THE FINAL 6
QUARTER FINALS
SHOWSTOPPING DUETS
#WHEREISTAMAR
and more! on this week's edition of....
DANCING WITH THE STARS BLOG WITHIN AN ABANDONED GLEE BLOG THAT NO ONE READS EXCEPT A BUNCH OF LOSER FREAKS
Let's paint the scene. After ignoring all social media and elimination-related group texts for 24 hours, I sat down to watch this week's episode, cozy in my bed with my almond butter surprise ready to devour. We are down to the finals weeks and I live in fear of Derek and Bindi's elimination, although I forget to vote every week. I hate myself. So I was already on edge when I pressed play and then slowly started to realize that there was no extravagant and uplifting Opening Number...
No opening number???? Something's up. What is it Tom??? Is Derek going home???
And then like a bad dream, Valentin stood up there without a partner like he was Steven Glandsberg, looking so lonely and fashionable.
(Also I wrote down a note at this point that read: "OMG MARK WHY" but I'm not sure if he did something or if I was just being hateful)
WHERE IN THE WORLD IS TAMAR?????? First reaction: a rush of panic. Second reaction once Tom announced that Tamar might make it back in time: WE MIGHT HAVE OURSELVES A NICKI MINAJ AMERICAN IDOL MOMENT ON OUR HANDS and I begin to be nosy and nervous for the rest of the show.
#Stallionaires
In the wise words of Finn Hudson, the show must go all over the place or something and boy did it.
And the theme this week was "Showstopper"! I think. There was no link between the dances so it could have been the Almond Butter Surprise week and no one would care. We were all just sitting there like is Tamar about to show up like nothing happened a la Nicki?
Anyway- the dances were important here's what hapened.
Alek and Lindsey
24 out of 30
The Dance: They chose a great song (Back it Up, everyone educate yourself this will be played at my wedding) and it was a nice routine only because Lindsay and the backup dancers did everything they could to block Alek throughout.
TAMAR THOUGH we are just wondering....
Mark and Alexa
30 out of 30
Takeaways from this week: Alexa and Mark found a heart-warming story/cause that could give Alexa a big moment in one of the most crucial weeks. I see you, Mark. Getting those 10's by any means necessary. The Dance: Alexa was Mark's little rag doll for most of it, I think she stood on her own two feet for 5% of all choreography but it was good!
Judge Julianne: Tried to give some inspirational advice to Alexa and over- complimented Mark because the Hough Matriarch probably scolds her and Derek for not including him enough.
Still no Tamar...
BUT THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE IN THE HOUSE! They picked a tense night to show up. (And Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely softly plays in the background while Val kicks around an empty soda can.)
Witney and Carlos
27 out of 30
Takeaways from this week: The pros are really feeling the pressure! Witney lost her confidence and then kicked Carlos where he won't forget. The Dance: I give them all the bonus points allotted to me as an official DWTS Blogger for picking one of the most epic songs of our generation,"What Do you Mean." (Although is it still considered my generation?? not sure) Justin said "be more straight-forward" and I thought it was a great straight-forward dance. Julianne and Carrie Ann were some hatin hoes and "happy hoes ain't hatin' and hatin' hoes ain't happy." - Khlo Khlo
Bindi and Derek
30 out of 30
Takeaways from this week: Derek was also feeling the pressure to win this week, and watching him get frustrated and question his choreography just made him more desirable. It was revealed that he felt like he let Nastia down last season (tears) and now hopefully America will see he is in it to win it and he deserves mirrorball #6. (I WILL VOTE NEXT WEEK)The Dance: It's hard to understand how such perfection occurs on a weekly basis. It was a Viennese Waltz for Crikey's Sake and they made it beautiful and stunning and fabulous and they make me want to cry every time. And they danced to a song written by Mark and his girlfriend. They are from heaven.
Tamar and Val???
22 out of 30
Takeaways from this week: Tamar is missing! FLASHBACK TO DRESS REHEARSAL! 
The dance: SMDH for having to watch that nonsense. Val looked PISSSSED to say the least. I realized this week that it's not just Tamar the judges are scared of, they don't want the Chmerkovsky wrath either. Her dress rehearsal scores still almost beat Alek's though, POW.
Nick and Sharna
28 out of 30
Takeaways from this week: Well we've got Nick C. writhing around on the floor and Sharna looking at her phone talking about she is the only pro who has never won. Not exuding the most confidence. The Dance: Nick was adorable but let's give it up for Sharna being the baddest of the ballroom. Good lord. I really liked it and don't know why the judges were so critical but we did hear the loudest boos ever which means the fans are in it to win it for Nick, baby of the band.
Sidenote Kevin and Howie lololol
NEW THEME ALERT! SHOWSTOPPING DUETS
I have no idea why they didn't pair up male/female partners but fine
Duet #1: Carlos and Alek = 24 out of 30
Lindsay, Alek, Witney and Carlos went on a cruise to prepare... because that's always the best way to focus on your dreams of winning a dance competition, going on cruise to play foozball.
The dance was to "We Will Rock You" and I loved it! I was so impressed, especially with Lindsey and Witneys hair and hairography. The lift was great. But hating ass judges gonna hate.
UPDATE FROM TOM BERGERON: TAMAR IS TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK! GAHHHHHHH
Duet #2: Alexa and Bindi = 30/30
Ya know, I had really started to be okay with Mark. At some point enough is enough, and he is Derek's best friend so he must not be that bad.
UNTIL HE HAD THE NERVE TO UTTER THE LETTERS "KTVD" which apparently mean "Killing the Vibe Derek" MARK I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU
Bindi and Alexa killed the Carlton.
****OMFG TAMAR IS HERE WILL SHE BE PERFORMING IN A HOODIE AND SHADES WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME****
As soon as the last dance started I was almost in tears out of exhaustion from this roller coaster of an episode. They danced to "Hey Jude" and it was not the greatest dance I've ever seen but Tamar was like their little sick child who was so happy to be out there dancing and twirling and Nick tried to act supportive but in his head he was like DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME TAMAR!!!!
Duet #3: Tamar and Nick = 27/30
****Elimination time!****
Bindi and Derek and Nick and Sharna were called safe first so that was comforting. Alek and Lindsay were called third (ALL THE BLASPHEMY) and Tamar and Val were also safe but it doesn't really matter since she has since dropped out.
So one of the married stars was going home THEY GAVE US THE MIC'D UP MARRIED PERSON CONVERSATION which was full of over-dramatic accusations and tears. And then to my surprise, Alexa and Mark were eliminated.
Then Carlos had a freaking meltdown on live TV like Alexa was Teresa Giudice being wrongfully hauled off to Prison or something and we were all like...
OMG CARLOS LOLOLOLOL THE DRAMATICS ITS JUST DANCING WITH THE STARS OMG. Says the girl with the weekly blog okay bye
BEST FROM THE GROUP TEXT WHICH IS REALLY KILLING IT LATELY:
"Let's kick Mark out and have Val dance with Alexa"
"Mark looks like a dementor"
"I feel like Joey Fatone hasn't left the ballroom since he competed"*******
"Mark has a girlfriend? And I'm still single."
"No one died" (I'm assuming this is in response to Carlos's breakdown")
Couples left to dance for glory:
Derek and Bindi
Nick and Sharna
Carlos and Witney
Alek and Lindsey
