Can barely type, early onset carpal tunnel possible scenario, lump in my throat, coming down with a higher fever with every passing second, got a blister on the back of my right foot, and blog's a day late.
But maybe it's just jungle fever a la Adam Braverman. And we are blogging and recapping against all freaking odds people.
The ballroom was quite the Survivor Island this week and WE'RE GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS with IMMUNITY for the highest score, dance-offs, Erin Andrews ending the World Series early so she could see someone do the worm on the dance floor, and so many comments about being super in-shape and nice bodies what would Ariana Grande say?
I wrote a self-help book about Week 8 of Dancing with the Stars, the title is:
Gravity's a Bitch Isn't it? A book about a blog about a ballroom dancing show in it's eighth week of it's 21st season by Rachel Southall
Chapter 1: Still Hard to Believe that Marc Anthony had Sex with J Lo
Plot Synopsis:
Latin Lover, Carlos is scared to get in touch with his inner salsa queen. No me ames.
Plot twist: Witney and Carlos killed the salsa like me at a Bachelorette Final viewing party.
Chapter 2: Shrek and Fiona Drop that Kitty Down Low
Plot Synopsis:
Classic rags to riches story. Spotlight shining too bright for small town hero, Alek, and he gets to be more famous than his friends for no reason. #muchtoofullofresentment Kitty brought out the whip and Lindsey's "ALL LIFT" strategy finally backfired when she slipped right out of Alek's big ole Shrek hands.
Chapter 3: I Put a Tree between us and the Judges, the Andy Grammar Story
Plot synopsis:
A sweet tribute to Andy's mom is overshadowed by a Stevie Wonder tribute song that was not sung by Stevie Wonder. (smh)
As if the tribute wasn't emotional enough, check this out:
UGGGGGGHHHHHHH (spoiler alert! Oh I should've said it before)
Chapter 4: Jesus can only Take the Wheel so much
Plot Synopsis:
Mark Ballas, Spawn of Satan, has once again been paired with a Bible thumper trying to sway him over to baby Jesus. The classic "biblical" story of David and Goliath came alive when Alexis forgot the choreography again and added even more misery to Mark's life.
But: her solo section was great! I don't hate them as much as I normally hate them.
Chapter 5: Bang Bang into the Ballroom Backstreet Baby Boy
Plot synopsis:
Well, now we know that Nick Carter is not a virgin. Nick performed an ode to his wife and baby's mother and more tears were shed than normal. We learned the sex of the child on live TV and here is a little bit of foreshadowing for Nick and his soon-to-be Baby Buzz:
Chapter 6: #BindiBacklash
Plot Synopsis:
The apocalypse is nigh in this alternate universe where Derek and Bindi don't get a perfect score. Bindi internalizing her scaredness, blisters and bruises and channeled her idol Sophia Grace for her perfect dance.
Wait that's not right is it...
Bindi, this mirrorball is yours for the taking. Don't let Julianne's forced critiques about your shoulders bring you down.
Chapter 7: For Those Who Ever Wondered if Toni Braxton was Born that Way?
Plot Synopsis:
Tamar and Val do damage control as Tamar continues to flail her spirit fingers across the floor. Julianne is even more of a Nervous Nellie to give Tamar a bad critique and Toni Braxton is like "Leave my name out of it!"
Chapter 8: Pants Off Dance Off
Dance- off 1: Carlos/Witney vs. Derek/Bindi
Carlos made the biggest mistake of his life but volunteering to do the jive against Derek and Bindi. Derek opened his shirt just at the right time but wait... the judges all picked Witney and Carlos. Blasphemous.
Dance off 2: Tamar/Val vs. Alexa and Mark
Tamar is losing it for me. She just freestyled around while Mark and Alexa actually Cha Cha Cha'd. Mark won and they actually deserved it.
Dance off 3: Andy/Allison vs. Alek/Lindsey
Samba worm lolololol much respect Andy gets my vote
Chapter 9: It's hard to say goodbye my love, hard to see you cry my love
Andy Grammar went out on a handspring so if I could quote his inner monologue "Honey, I'm Good" (GET IT)
Week 8 Score Recap:
| Nick & Sharna | 30+3=33 |
| Tamar & Val | 28 |
| Bindi & Derek | 28 |
| Carlos & Witney | 27+2=29 |
| Alexa & Mark | 25+2=27 |
| Alek & Lindsay | 25 |
| Andy & Allison | 22+2=24 |
More thots:
- Best moment of my life: Shirtless Val and Carlos partner dancing on snapchat
- Were the live viewers also accosted with holiday commercials?
- Erin Andrews couldn't let them live at the World series
- Bruno is the most reliable judge by far and I so wish Len was still here
Highlights from the group text:
- "The uggh Mark text makes an appearance at least once a week"
- "So glad I shared that special moment with Nick Carter with live television"
- "If I were a dancer on this show it would be guaranteed that I would fall running up the stairs to the red room"
- "We got a close up of mark doing some weird pelvic thrust so I was blinded for the rest of the dance"
Next week:
Sike I'm not sure what the theme will be!!!
(Really, Phyllis? Did he see Pam?)
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