Turns out there was a two-night finale a few weeks ago that never got blogged about but YOU KNOW WHAT my life doesn't revolve around you!!!
Just kidding, I live for the applause. And I was so ready to BLOG! But then the 20-day sickness came back upon me and I was like...
LUCKY FOR YOU I WILL NOT LET THIS BLOG GO UNFINISHED THE OLD ME IS DEAD AND GONE. And this is my ghost, writing to tie up Season 21 for all the readers I have awakened from their Glee Season 3/4 hibernation and I will autograph copies of this blog at the mall on Saturday. (National Mall that is, take a history lesson)
This will either be really well-received because the anticipation has built or no one cares because there is a new season of the Challenge on and we are all nervously sweating waiting for Abram to unleash his rage. Either way, Peta and Maks are engaged, Sean and Catherine are having a baby, Saint West was birthed and my blog is here. What a time to be alive.
So now let's relive the greatest two night finale event in the history of television and count down the...
10 MOST IMPORTANT AND ENTERTAINING MOMENTS AND CONCEPTS OF THE SEASON 21 DANCING WITH THE STARS TWO-NIGHT FINALE EXTRAVAGANZA
THREE WEEKS LATER BECAUSE ITS RELEVANT
And don't forget that "I could snap your sternum with my forehead in one second". (Busey, 2015)
#10 "PONY" RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE!
On the first night of the Finale, Carlos Penavega of Big Time Rush "fame" got his first perfect scores of the season, doing 1) a sexy and fierce dance to one of the Weeknd's played-to-death hits and 2) a hip-hop dance featuring Paula Deen of all people. Sadly, he was eliminated the same night, which freed him up to focus on recreating arguably one of the most significant dances of the season: PONY! aka the Magic-Mike-Floor-Humping-Spectacular. The important thing to know is that they re-worked the formations so that Val could be smack dab in the middle and the cameras focused on him the entire time. Barely even saw Carlos. Some very smart people working behind the scenes at this show.
Lil' Sebastian would be proud. #MiniHorse
#9 Sharna showed she is the the Real MVP
I've never loved Sharna's personality- can't put my finger on exactly why but the fake smiling and weird outfits don't do it for me. But the finale really turned it around. First of all, the flashback to the week before when Nick messed up AGAIN and Sharna's mic picked up her pep talk mid-dance somehow was like the most professional dancer thing I've ever seen and I could never do that I'd be like a cat caught looking at a cucumber! (Apparently this is a thing- google it. Thanks Sav.)
Another thing. Julianne was Nick and Sharna's "judge mentor" for the week, and she came into rehearsal to help Nick prepare for his Jive by making him pretend that there was "Hot Lava" on the ground like she was his pre-school dance instructor. In what circumstance have any of us on this earth come across hot lava and thereby could relate to that reference?
And no offense to Maggie, but Nick got more and more annoying and Sharna dealt with his whiny antics and his slip-ups all season. This competition was handed to him on a silver platter (most fans in the world and prior years of experience performing for a family-friendly audience) and he couldn't execute and never had a breakout moment.
But most importantly, in their final Jive performance, Sharna's slayage of this galaxy cannot be put into words. So much slayage that my internal Lizzie McGuire cartoon character, Carrie Ann AND Erin Andrews complimented Sharna before they even talked about Nick. But Nick did really well too. And he is so regretting meeting his wife before he met Sharna.
#8 Derek and Bindi HELD on (get it) and Derek gave us another reason to root for him
This is the 21st (TWENTY FIRST THOUGH) season of DWTS and the consequences of winning a mirror ball are still HUGE. If Alek wins, then the whole show is a sham and I hate America. If Nick wins, it's Sharna's first win ever and then Derek would get 2nd place. If Bindi wins it adds to Derek's legacy of victor over of the 73rd annual Hunger Games and over all other dancing peasants.
This finale reminded the world that Derek knows what he's doing. First, he injected himself with some type of serum so he experienced "the sickening" during their final rehearsals of their quickstep and the "dancing against all odds" story began to formulate...
THEN WE FLASHED BACK to Season 15, when Shawn and Derek also had the Quickstep for their final dance and Derek broke all the rules and danced out of hold. The judges gave them lower scores AND THEN THEY LOST to freaking Tony Dovolani and Melissa Rycroft for God's sake. "Redemption story" continues to form...
Fast forward to present-day times and Bindi is doing some spoken word at the beginning of the dance so you know it's real. They killed the performance and Derek's fist pump at the end = "I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED AGAIN. VOTE FOR ME OR PERISH SWEATER MONKEYS."
Dance for your life Bindi! #init2winit
#7 Who is Fancy?
Exactly.
Meghan Trainer was the musical guest and looked like a middle school girl at a talent show who was slightly embarrassed that she had to perform in front of people, and Ariana Grande and her heavenly voice were so apathetic about participating in this epic finale.
The answer to the question "Who is Fancy" is obviously Damien from Mean Girls and since seeing their performance I have played "Boys Like You" over 12 billion times.
Uggggh Nick. We could have had it all. So many mistakes made and it all came crashing down in the final 48 hours of competition. First of all, his BSB song choice has been ill-advised all season, and "Larger than Life" as his freestyle song was just another missed opportunity to show off any ballroom skills he has picked up. Especially THE DUMB BREAKDOWN where he did some of the weirdest, clunkiest, slowest dance moves in freestyle history! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!
And then the last few minutes of the season wrapped up with Nick having the nerve to sing a song off of his SOLO album. What kind of blasphemous back-stabbing... you tricky son of a gun... you know BSB needs your vocals to be fresh while Brian is healing!!! #howcouldyoubesoheartless. And then omg the split screen moment when they announced the Alek got 3rd place lolololol it was actually hilarious because Nick mini-celebrated like the merciless Draco Malfoy he is. In 48 hours it went from "I would love to see Nick win" to "Nick is trying to get Bindi to try gateway drugs." #villainsgottaVil
(Still love Nick I can't turn my back on you after what Lou Perlman put you through.)
#5 LET'S WATCH ALL OF THE WEIRD CONTESTANTS DANCE AGAIN
The fact that they let each eliminated contestant dance in the Finale is always questionable because who needs to relive that ever. But this season finale they limited the length of the dances so it was nice (?) to laugh at the following sacrilegious excuses for dancing:
-Gary started yet another routine with yelling "WHAT?" I don't know if that was staged but it got me in the ribs.
-Paula and Louie did their god awful Gilligan's Island dance but I made sure to only watch the dancer with pillows stuffed up his shirt.
-Lawwdddd Lil' Victor did two dances, one in which Karina picked him up and swung him around like a baby and one with the Penis Sombrero. Victor is the definition of a BAT OUT OF HELL #GodBlessKarina
-And Kim Zolciak had the nerve to return and butcher the "I Dream of Jeannie dance" that they had at least one additional month to practice after her disqualification. Spoiler alert it was insulting to all of our time spent watching this show and then Tom made a joke about Kim being too big to fit back in the bottle? Idk, what a season am i right.
#4 Alek ain't so bad after all
Sometimes when a lackluster dancer makes it far in the competition (Noah, Candace Cameron, Bristol Palin) I become an angry beaver. This season I threw a lot of shade at Alek aka "I've gotta a blank face baaaabay," which he deserved because he was basically immobile during every dance and only moved his limbs to lift Lindsay's long body over his head. And ok his final Rumba and was pretty wack (MORE HIP ACTION) and the Silky Grey Pajamas Joke of 2015 was too much BUTTTT i was impressed that this literal nobody was able to learn choreography every week and he knows how to count music and when to lift Lindsay up and put her back down again. For the finale he had like 5 dances!
And this goes against logic but I LOVED his freestyle and it was one of those memorable dances that i'll never forget although it looked like he did forget or he was one of those people in Men in Black who gets their memory erased because his face had no expression throughout the dance or the entire season. And the fall backwards was stolen from Derek and Shawn but it was still awesome!
**LOL omg wouldn't it be funny if two guys (MALES) liked each other not just liked each other but LIKE LIKED each other like a BROMANCE how hilarious would that joke be???? (Re: the Carlos and Alek montage cmon DWTS)
#3 The Bindi/Derek Freestyle of all Freestyles
WATCH HERE NOW AGAIN AND AGAIN
Ugh. The way she calls him Dad and not "my dad". The way Derek loves her more than he will ever love me. "Sometimes it feels like there is 3 people in the room". And Bindi looked like a beautiful land mermaid. Made me change my stance on shoulder sits in a dance. AND THE SURPRISE PICTURE OF HER DAD is why Derek is the ultimate competitor and will not be beaten.
It was very obvious at this moment who deserved to win.
#2 The LEN IS BACK! Moment
One of the best moments of the finale series, and quite possibly of my life. LEN GOODMAN's beautiful face popped up on the screen to kick Julianne out of the center seat. He probably called ABC up the moment the Gary Busey received a "7" and demanded his rightful place on the throne.
#CELEBRATE!
#1 The moment that we all deserved.
BINDI AND DEREK WIN!!! And BINDI'S LITTLE BROTHER CAN'T TAKE IT! And neither can I because Kim Zolciak lost her mind and tried to pick Bindi up like a baby. Thank you to whoever finally shoved her out of the way so that she could get elevated enough for this perfect picture:
Yay Bindi! And congratulations to Patricia on her DWTS Draft win!
I got second place just so everyone knows but shoutout to my 4 #DraftQueens for continued commitment to Monday night ABC shows.
BUT WAIT EVEN MORE THOTS FROM THIS SEASON:
-Erin Andrews is a loose cannon who is coming to da edge-I'm convinced Julianne has a critique writer who plans her judges comments ahead of time which is why nothing she says ever applies to the dances
-Anyone from the military will make it to at least 3rd place (check my facts because i haven't)
-Witneys hair was EVERYTHING this season. Don't know if it's real or fake but I support it
-TAMAR! Tragic tale
-Dancing with the Stars is the sexiest "family show" ever Julianne can't say "butt" but the dancers can basically have sex on the dance floor
-#JusticeforKeo
-Andy Grammar has the voice of an angel and now he can incorporate dancing into his shows!!
-The dance to Ex's and Oh's omg who is this girl Jenna
- I needed the re-do of the Breaking Bad number like I need a hole in the head
- FUSION DANCES ARE SUCH A WASTE. Their final challenge should be a second freestyle. Or have the stars choreograph.
-The Tom Bergeron montage of Safety Dance was one of the most disappointing discombobulations of a montage I've ever seen
So as William Hung once said, "I did my best and I have no regrets." Share these words to the world so I can one day be famous enough to dance with Derek Hough.
SEE YOU IN MARCH!
Sideblog Alert:
MTV's The Challenge: Bloodlines
HOLY MOTHER OF PLOP this is the most genius concept they have come up with. This season is going to give me an ulcer between Leroy having to suffer through the challenges with his un-athletic cousin to watching Jenna somehow make it to the end again to the return of ZACK AND CT for what reason I need to know! I'm pulling for Team Cohutta and his hilarious country cousin and once again they have filled the challenge with a bunch of worthless girls who can't do anything (Aneesa + 1 and Nany's doll cousin.)
I'm so pumped I might even have to fully blog. Can't stop won't stop.
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