They don't want me to write another blog, so i made sure I wrote another blog

You know you've jumped the shark when you stoop to a DJ Khaled reference.

And wouldn't you know I get a huge paper cut on my strongest typing finger the eve of my planned blog session. They really don't want me to blog but the fans need me and I'm tough as nails and as resilient as my toenail that keeps growing back against all odds!!!! 

For those of you who are joining us for the first time, this is a Glee Blog gone wrong that now focuses another show that celebrates fanfare for it's own sake: Dancing with the Stars. After Prince Hough and I took a season-long hiatus, we are both back for Season 23. And I'm ready to put something out on the internet that will embarrass my future children someday.  Prepare yourself for my cutting edge analysis and critique. 

We open this season on an aerial shot of Aladdin's castle. I guess technically it would be The Sultan's castle but Aladdin eventually inherited it after he saved Agrabah and married Jasmine. (spoiler alert) How crazy that Jafar eventually became a genie himself!!!! And that Aladdin's dad is really the King of Thieves. [Sub-blog on the Aladdin Trilogy coming soon.] 

In my eyes the pro dancers have become significantly more famous than most of the "stars:" even Sasha and Emma are selling Sugar Bear Hair Gummies on instagram. The next All-Star season should be comprised of all pro-couples who have dated at some point- a battle of the exes if you will. (@ABC, @theChallenge, message me for pairing/theme ideas!) 

Food for thought: how many people do you think go around believing that Mandy Moore of Candy fame choreographs all of the opening numbers? Starting a campaign to get her on Season 24. #MandyMooreDWTS24

Tom and Erin are back as hosts: Tom to hold this disaster together and Erin to objectify the contestants in whenever she gets a microphone. "Show us that sexy move again" "Look at those abs" "Unbutton your shirt." She an independent clause away from a sexual harassment suit. 

There were not enough recognizable ballroom moves to analyze most of these couples, but don't stop me nowwwww....

#1 Marilu and Derek Hough 

All I know about Marilu is that she loves Derek Hough as much as the rest of the world. They didn't even explain why she is famous and I still don't know.  Derek usually gets a front runner as a partner so I had high hopes, but this was one of the wackest routines that Derek has been a part of in a long while. She won't win, but she is like the same age as Betsey Kartwheel Johnson (over 60!) and now I take back every compliment I ever gave Betsey.

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Despite things not looking good for Derek you can never count him out. I think that going first was a strategic move so that people forget about it and Marilu doesn't get categorized as a lost cause. They will make it past halfway but I don't know how far Derek can take this one. #nooffense #blessup 

Another conspiracy- Derek has lost his will to compete knowing that he can't make Mark feel inferior each week. 

#2 James and Sharna

Ughh Sharna Sharna Sharna aka the partner-killer aka always a bridesmaid never the bride aka silent Macarena aka I wrote this whole thing thinking his name was Jake and had to go back and edit. Where Derek makes his strategic move for the long-term, time after time Sharna sets herself up for a boring storyline that no matter how much the dancing improves, will not win her a mirrorball trophy.  

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Those two frowning while doing the Macarena will come to symbolize their arc on this season. Use your imagination. 

#3 Megatron and Lindsay 

Anytime an athlete competes on this show there are a few guarantees: 1) Erin Andrews will take ownership over this contestant and rattle off their stats like they come from her memory 2) Erin Andrews will mention how many times she has met them at past stages of their career 3) Did I mention Erin Andrews was/is a sports reporter? 

This partnership seems nice and sweet. Remember when Lindsay was just a scammer herself trying to pose as a good pro and now she gets the football player contestant over Witney/Sharna/Cheryl! She better send up prayers to Alek Skarlatos every night before bed. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Those size 15's will be a nightmare when he has to do the jive but if you get this crew in a contemporary routine GOOD LORD Lindsay will show him the way to lift her to a perfect score.

#4 Maureen McMormick and Artem

I like to think of this couple as the more likeable version of Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas. Grown up sitcom star with the overpraised pro who has contributed nothing but gets all of the hype. Within two seconds of their intro package they forced the  "Artem is hot" narrative down my throat and now I'm starting to believe it. They finally convinced me after all these years. Such a man. Swift as the coursing river. Strength of a raging fire and mysterious as the dark side of the moon. The dance itself was decent, Maureen is a hot mess of emotions and I don't know why. (We will uncover whats behind those tears soon enough.)  At the end of the dance Maureen lost her wits and almost thought Artem was in love with her, also notable: Florence Henderson may or may not be her forreal life mom, and Carrie Ann still loves to scream Artem's name.

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Maureen has Brady Bunch star power, but there are too many really really good male pros for Artem to stick around. They'll make it a few weeks and then Artem will dance seductively with Jenna in filler routines the remainder of the season.

#5 Babyface and Allison 

I need a documentary on Babyface to be made. Sinatra vibes. Denzel vibes. His mobility level is pretty below average but he could pull a Bill Engvall if he plays this right. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: The Mom inspiration could take him far BUTTTTTT his lack of dance ability and his partner's lack of popularity will do him no favors. Early exit. 

#6 Amber Rose and Maks 

This is the most relevant celebrity they have ever gotten and will ever get. Yeah I said it. Bigger than Nick Carter. Her fans probably don't even realize she is doing DWTS on her off days. I was looking forward to this partnership but what a disappointment! So mad at her for that blasphemy, looked like the second coming of Kim Zolciak. I say that with the utmost disrespect. Maybe she will get her act together, I hope Maks gets his Rasputin on. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Val made a deal with the producers that if he got Maks to come back then Val would get the best partner. #ourway

#7 Vanilla Ice and Witney 

I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he hasn't heard of Dancing with the Stars before or that he is currently on tour. If you have seen Vanilla Ice live in concert or even seen an advertisement for a Vanilla Ice Concert please speak up-  I can't write an informed blog if you remain silent on this issue. He got the BS out of the way and came out strong with Ice Ice baby too. And Witney did not come to play with you hoes!!!!! She came to slay. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Rob Van Winkle will win this season. He will put a folding chair through a window first but he will win. 

I need a fact check - were Rob van Winkle and Maureen Mccormick on any vh1 reality shows together it seems like they have a history.

#8 Jana and Gleb 

As a fan and blogger I wonder why on earth would these two nobodies be selected for this show and then paired together. Then they basically made love on the dance floor and it all became clear. Gleb seems like a no- nonsense kind of guy and of course Bruno gave them an 8 because #theatricality.

My conspiracy theory/prediction: hmu when they are gone

#9 Jake and Jenna 

So happy for Jenna! But she wore extensions and I'm feeling less supportive of her right now ... what... is... happening... to... me...  Jake (Disney Channel Fame) and Jenna were both born in 94 so stab me in the libido, and they have a nice little pairing SO IT SEEMS. I made the mistake of trusting this couple in my draft. Should've googled Jake T Austin ahead of time, the name 'Jake' betrayed me for the first time ever. After an absolutely horrific dance Jenna threw so much shade at VAL when she declared "we dont want to peak on the first show" and yes that I know for a fact it was about Val check the tapes. Jk probably not. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Jake is sharp. If he can get an ounce of his life together he will be decent and make it a few weeks. But he might be eliminated first. 

#10 Rick Perry and Emma 

Rick Perry is one of those guys who you are fine with being a living breathing idiot as long as he doesn't try to be President or name the 3 departments of government he would cut. Obviously an abysmal performance. Poor Emma. Who I love. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: I'm afraid we have seen the last of the real life Ricky Bobby in the ballroom. 

Some mid-show introspection: 

• Julianne just doesn't have the range! I'm sorry!!!!!!!!
• Sitting here wondering how they can gracefully introduce Ryan Lochte's existence into this environment
• Where is the troupe????? All Alan got to do in this whole episode is take a corndog from Rick Perry. And I'm not even sure that was Alan. 

#11 Terra and Sasha

Terra is the first little person in DWTS history and Sasha is a true gem. I don't see what the big deal is, this basically Laurie and Val's height difference. Not a good dance either though! Sasha carried them from horrible to mildly entertaining.  

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Normally this barrier-breaking stuff makes it to the end but I don't know, many people are saying she might be gone next week but it wasn't me who said it but it's just what I heard from many people. 

#12 Ryan Lochte and Cheryl 

Ok this whole thing was just diabolical. First of all, Ryan is cute. Already building good will towards himself with that face. He wants to prove to America that he has "changed his ways" (in the last 48 hours???), and and I think if anyone can whip him into shape, it's Cheryl. The dance itself was average, but the post-dance protesting really made it all worth it. 

The fact that anyone protested at all made me sympathetic for him. So protestors- your mission failed. About to be Team Lochte. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6HJXrKw2SY

BUT THE CAMERA WORK DURING THIS MOMENT WAS EVERYTHING!!!! The close up on Carrie Ann should win DWTS a Creative Arts Emmy. She really thought "Excuse me back off" was going to work???? Like do you think they accidentally wandered onto the dance floor on the way to the bathroom?? And to top it all off, you can hear Bruno utter the phrase "Chill Pill!" in the background before they cut to commercial. This whole season could tank and it will still be the best season yet from that moment alone. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: These so-called "protestors" were planted by Lochte's publicist to make us sympathetic and break the ice. Or they were actually his teammates who he let rot in a Brazilian jail - back for revenge. 

#13 Laurie and Val 

Val knows what time it is. After that Tamar debacle he said pay me what you owe me. Should we cancel this season now and give them the trophy? Gymnasts really have too much of an advantage but I will love watching them dominate all season. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: I'm counting on Vanilla Ice to make it competitive but it looks like Val will walk away with Mirrorball Trophy #2.

Other thoughts:

• If Maks can go from judge to pro why can't Julianne
• Robert and Kym are the Jade and Tanner of DWTS
• 120% chance Blac Chyna will be on next season
• Why hasn't Kris Jenner ever been on this show!!!! She was born for the stage
• Derek looks so out of the loop with the other pros. He needs to figure out his dream "last partner" and go out with a bang 
• I love that despite how famous Amber Rose is, Kanye West will always be brought up a la the FAMOUS music video a la Kanye's genius will all make sense to you peasants one day
• Speaking of Kanye, thinking about writing a sub-blog to give Taylor advice on how to bounce back from her disastrous summer

So that's that! Maybe I'll never blog again, life is like a ball of mirrors.