They don't want me to write another blog, so i made sure I wrote another blog

You know you've jumped the shark when you stoop to a DJ Khaled reference.

And wouldn't you know I get a huge paper cut on my strongest typing finger the eve of my planned blog session. They really don't want me to blog but the fans need me and I'm tough as nails and as resilient as my toenail that keeps growing back against all odds!!!! 

For those of you who are joining us for the first time, this is a Glee Blog gone wrong that now focuses another show that celebrates fanfare for it's own sake: Dancing with the Stars. After Prince Hough and I took a season-long hiatus, we are both back for Season 23. And I'm ready to put something out on the internet that will embarrass my future children someday.  Prepare yourself for my cutting edge analysis and critique. 

We open this season on an aerial shot of Aladdin's castle. I guess technically it would be The Sultan's castle but Aladdin eventually inherited it after he saved Agrabah and married Jasmine. (spoiler alert) How crazy that Jafar eventually became a genie himself!!!! And that Aladdin's dad is really the King of Thieves. [Sub-blog on the Aladdin Trilogy coming soon.] 

In my eyes the pro dancers have become significantly more famous than most of the "stars:" even Sasha and Emma are selling Sugar Bear Hair Gummies on instagram. The next All-Star season should be comprised of all pro-couples who have dated at some point- a battle of the exes if you will. (@ABC, @theChallenge, message me for pairing/theme ideas!) 

Food for thought: how many people do you think go around believing that Mandy Moore of Candy fame choreographs all of the opening numbers? Starting a campaign to get her on Season 24. #MandyMooreDWTS24

Tom and Erin are back as hosts: Tom to hold this disaster together and Erin to objectify the contestants in whenever she gets a microphone. "Show us that sexy move again" "Look at those abs" "Unbutton your shirt." She an independent clause away from a sexual harassment suit. 

There were not enough recognizable ballroom moves to analyze most of these couples, but don't stop me nowwwww....

#1 Marilu and Derek Hough 

All I know about Marilu is that she loves Derek Hough as much as the rest of the world. They didn't even explain why she is famous and I still don't know.  Derek usually gets a front runner as a partner so I had high hopes, but this was one of the wackest routines that Derek has been a part of in a long while. She won't win, but she is like the same age as Betsey Kartwheel Johnson (over 60!) and now I take back every compliment I ever gave Betsey.

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Despite things not looking good for Derek you can never count him out. I think that going first was a strategic move so that people forget about it and Marilu doesn't get categorized as a lost cause. They will make it past halfway but I don't know how far Derek can take this one. #nooffense #blessup 

Another conspiracy- Derek has lost his will to compete knowing that he can't make Mark feel inferior each week. 

#2 James and Sharna

Ughh Sharna Sharna Sharna aka the partner-killer aka always a bridesmaid never the bride aka silent Macarena aka I wrote this whole thing thinking his name was Jake and had to go back and edit. Where Derek makes his strategic move for the long-term, time after time Sharna sets herself up for a boring storyline that no matter how much the dancing improves, will not win her a mirrorball trophy.  

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Those two frowning while doing the Macarena will come to symbolize their arc on this season. Use your imagination. 

#3 Megatron and Lindsay 

Anytime an athlete competes on this show there are a few guarantees: 1) Erin Andrews will take ownership over this contestant and rattle off their stats like they come from her memory 2) Erin Andrews will mention how many times she has met them at past stages of their career 3) Did I mention Erin Andrews was/is a sports reporter? 

This partnership seems nice and sweet. Remember when Lindsay was just a scammer herself trying to pose as a good pro and now she gets the football player contestant over Witney/Sharna/Cheryl! She better send up prayers to Alek Skarlatos every night before bed. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Those size 15's will be a nightmare when he has to do the jive but if you get this crew in a contemporary routine GOOD LORD Lindsay will show him the way to lift her to a perfect score.

#4 Maureen McMormick and Artem

I like to think of this couple as the more likeable version of Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas. Grown up sitcom star with the overpraised pro who has contributed nothing but gets all of the hype. Within two seconds of their intro package they forced the  "Artem is hot" narrative down my throat and now I'm starting to believe it. They finally convinced me after all these years. Such a man. Swift as the coursing river. Strength of a raging fire and mysterious as the dark side of the moon. The dance itself was decent, Maureen is a hot mess of emotions and I don't know why. (We will uncover whats behind those tears soon enough.)  At the end of the dance Maureen lost her wits and almost thought Artem was in love with her, also notable: Florence Henderson may or may not be her forreal life mom, and Carrie Ann still loves to scream Artem's name.

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Maureen has Brady Bunch star power, but there are too many really really good male pros for Artem to stick around. They'll make it a few weeks and then Artem will dance seductively with Jenna in filler routines the remainder of the season.

#5 Babyface and Allison 

I need a documentary on Babyface to be made. Sinatra vibes. Denzel vibes. His mobility level is pretty below average but he could pull a Bill Engvall if he plays this right. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: The Mom inspiration could take him far BUTTTTTT his lack of dance ability and his partner's lack of popularity will do him no favors. Early exit. 

#6 Amber Rose and Maks 

This is the most relevant celebrity they have ever gotten and will ever get. Yeah I said it. Bigger than Nick Carter. Her fans probably don't even realize she is doing DWTS on her off days. I was looking forward to this partnership but what a disappointment! So mad at her for that blasphemy, looked like the second coming of Kim Zolciak. I say that with the utmost disrespect. Maybe she will get her act together, I hope Maks gets his Rasputin on. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Val made a deal with the producers that if he got Maks to come back then Val would get the best partner. #ourway

#7 Vanilla Ice and Witney 

I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he hasn't heard of Dancing with the Stars before or that he is currently on tour. If you have seen Vanilla Ice live in concert or even seen an advertisement for a Vanilla Ice Concert please speak up-  I can't write an informed blog if you remain silent on this issue. He got the BS out of the way and came out strong with Ice Ice baby too. And Witney did not come to play with you hoes!!!!! She came to slay. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Rob Van Winkle will win this season. He will put a folding chair through a window first but he will win. 

I need a fact check - were Rob van Winkle and Maureen Mccormick on any vh1 reality shows together it seems like they have a history.

#8 Jana and Gleb 

As a fan and blogger I wonder why on earth would these two nobodies be selected for this show and then paired together. Then they basically made love on the dance floor and it all became clear. Gleb seems like a no- nonsense kind of guy and of course Bruno gave them an 8 because #theatricality.

My conspiracy theory/prediction: hmu when they are gone

#9 Jake and Jenna 

So happy for Jenna! But she wore extensions and I'm feeling less supportive of her right now ... what... is... happening... to... me...  Jake (Disney Channel Fame) and Jenna were both born in 94 so stab me in the libido, and they have a nice little pairing SO IT SEEMS. I made the mistake of trusting this couple in my draft. Should've googled Jake T Austin ahead of time, the name 'Jake' betrayed me for the first time ever. After an absolutely horrific dance Jenna threw so much shade at VAL when she declared "we dont want to peak on the first show" and yes that I know for a fact it was about Val check the tapes. Jk probably not. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Jake is sharp. If he can get an ounce of his life together he will be decent and make it a few weeks. But he might be eliminated first. 

#10 Rick Perry and Emma 

Rick Perry is one of those guys who you are fine with being a living breathing idiot as long as he doesn't try to be President or name the 3 departments of government he would cut. Obviously an abysmal performance. Poor Emma. Who I love. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: I'm afraid we have seen the last of the real life Ricky Bobby in the ballroom. 

Some mid-show introspection: 

• Julianne just doesn't have the range! I'm sorry!!!!!!!!
• Sitting here wondering how they can gracefully introduce Ryan Lochte's existence into this environment
• Where is the troupe????? All Alan got to do in this whole episode is take a corndog from Rick Perry. And I'm not even sure that was Alan. 

#11 Terra and Sasha

Terra is the first little person in DWTS history and Sasha is a true gem. I don't see what the big deal is, this basically Laurie and Val's height difference. Not a good dance either though! Sasha carried them from horrible to mildly entertaining.  

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Normally this barrier-breaking stuff makes it to the end but I don't know, many people are saying she might be gone next week but it wasn't me who said it but it's just what I heard from many people. 

#12 Ryan Lochte and Cheryl 

Ok this whole thing was just diabolical. First of all, Ryan is cute. Already building good will towards himself with that face. He wants to prove to America that he has "changed his ways" (in the last 48 hours???), and and I think if anyone can whip him into shape, it's Cheryl. The dance itself was average, but the post-dance protesting really made it all worth it. 

The fact that anyone protested at all made me sympathetic for him. So protestors- your mission failed. About to be Team Lochte. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6HJXrKw2SY

BUT THE CAMERA WORK DURING THIS MOMENT WAS EVERYTHING!!!! The close up on Carrie Ann should win DWTS a Creative Arts Emmy. She really thought "Excuse me back off" was going to work???? Like do you think they accidentally wandered onto the dance floor on the way to the bathroom?? And to top it all off, you can hear Bruno utter the phrase "Chill Pill!" in the background before they cut to commercial. This whole season could tank and it will still be the best season yet from that moment alone. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: These so-called "protestors" were planted by Lochte's publicist to make us sympathetic and break the ice. Or they were actually his teammates who he let rot in a Brazilian jail - back for revenge. 

#13 Laurie and Val 

Val knows what time it is. After that Tamar debacle he said pay me what you owe me. Should we cancel this season now and give them the trophy? Gymnasts really have too much of an advantage but I will love watching them dominate all season. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: I'm counting on Vanilla Ice to make it competitive but it looks like Val will walk away with Mirrorball Trophy #2.

Other thoughts:

• If Maks can go from judge to pro why can't Julianne
• Robert and Kym are the Jade and Tanner of DWTS
• 120% chance Blac Chyna will be on next season
• Why hasn't Kris Jenner ever been on this show!!!! She was born for the stage
• Derek looks so out of the loop with the other pros. He needs to figure out his dream "last partner" and go out with a bang 
• I love that despite how famous Amber Rose is, Kanye West will always be brought up a la the FAMOUS music video a la Kanye's genius will all make sense to you peasants one day
• Speaking of Kanye, thinking about writing a sub-blog to give Taylor advice on how to bounce back from her disastrous summer

So that's that! Maybe I'll never blog again, life is like a ball of mirrors. 

Barack is President! Eye of the Tiger! :::throws basketball backwards:::

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This recap has nothing to do with the election, just trying to attract readers. Man we out here tryna function!

Since Glee's last episode 6 and a half months ago, we have had a lot to process. Mainly that Rachel Berry has become a shell of her former self and her hair is full of secrets, but luckily we were not forced to revisit that tragedy this week. Instead, we were back at McKinley HALLELUJAH HOLLA BACK for a fun-filled episode (minus the retarded baby comment) centered on casting the school musical! Of course this begs the question:

WHAT ROLE ARE YOU BORN TO PLAY? A Behavioral Study on the Tendencies of Glee Characters to Relive the Storylines of Previous Fictional Characters.

I sit when I pee annnnnd let's begin!

Finn Hudson was born to play the role of DRUMROLL PLEASE provided by Finn Hudson himself... MR. SHUE! 

Yes, Finn was born to play the role of M. Shue. I mean I don't know how I didn't see it coming, the similarities are uncanny. They both love Rachel Berry and 80's rock. They both like the Glee Club omg. And just like Shue, Finn was losing his way, down and out with no direction, but found a NEW DIRECTION by becoming a DIRECTOR and of course the music brought him back! Don't stop believing Finn! You are meant to MOVE people! Is the pity party over for him now that he is the new Glee Club coach? I wonder if Mr. Shue will ever come back, or if they will have a wrestling match over who gets to be the Glee Club coach! But before we get ahead of ourselves, Finn has to cast the musical in the only way he knows how... by finding a hot football player singing classic rock in the locker room shower.

Just kidding, thank God Glee didn't re-use that one for the third time. Instead, we got the introduction of a lifetime as Blake Jenner (no relation to Bruce to Brody) aka Ryder caught Finn's eye with his sweet touchdown dance moves. GONNA SHOUT IT FROM THE MOUNTAINTOPS. A STAR IS BORN.

Which brings us to "Ryder" who was born to play the role of... Finn Hudson.

Ryder, like Finn, is struggling with the classic WPP of not being able to break his C- minus average, and needs singing and dancing to help him get the hang of his high school career. Makes sense so far. Finn encourages Ryder to try out for the school musical, but Ryder doesn't sing. Cut to one of the most classic Glee lines in the history of the show:

Ryder: I don't sing

Finn: Prove it.

Hahahahahhaha. Classic Glee. To which Ryder should have replied: "Okay... I'll just sit here and not sing and that'll show you I'm not lying." This episode is killing it in all the right ways. 

So Finn and Blake/Ryder took to the auditorium stage, after a conveniently placed Jukebox stocked with only 80's Classic Rock tunes play a suspiciously relevant "Jukebox Hero" song. Can I just say that Finn's advice of "Just sing, it'll work trust me. Like a good poop" does not translate to real life. I have been trying to be a good singer since the days of All Saints " Never Ever" (tried to form several girl groups at a young age) and it never "worked." So no Finn, I don't trust you. And but luckily it worked for Ryder and now the competition is ON and poppin for Danny Zuko!

Side note:
I love me some Blake. Can everyone just take a second and imagine what this episode would be like if Charlie had won the Glee Project Season 2?? hahahahah I am dying laughing over the thought of that, and Charlie knocking over that blind guy's cane.

Let's get into the real shit- GREASE CASTING!

Mercedes and Mike Chang are back (so random, do you guys have jobs) to help cast the play with Finn and Artie... and here is what we are working with people:

Blaine who was CLEARLY born to play the role of Danny Zuko (and Tony from West Side Story) is an emotional wreck! Good lord. Hey nerd, get off the football field while we are trying to practice in slow motion and go be the Danny Zuko of our dreams!  But hecky ya to Teen Angel that is gonna be straight fiyyaaaaa!

Unique found herself in a unique situation (play on words) as she is a man trying to play the greatest girl role ever: RIZZO and some peeps may not like the look of that. Her audition was wack. Every unique performance involves her model walking and she WAS NOT BORN TO PLAY RIZZO THAT ROLE BELONGS TO SANTANA FREAKING LOPEZ SO EVERYONE SHUT UP. But she got the part so we shall see if she can actually act but oh wait, we already know that she can't.

The real competition started with the lead roles, Danny and Sandy.

KITTY SINGS! Yes! Jake and Kitty Kat auditioned together to Everybody Talks which was just the most precious Dancing with the Stars number ever! Ten from Len! Marley and Ryder were also in the running, and they all performed the most genius Handjive performance for call backs (more on that later). Kitty is so much better than Marley, but too much of a bad ass to be Sandy. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN RIZZO WAKE UP PEOPLE! And Jake should clearly be Danny, but I can't root against Ryder so sometimes it be's like that.

In other news:

Coach Beiste is in the hizzy! Will and Emma are boring and Sue hates trannys! Sashay!

Overall Grade for the Episode: A

Such a great comeback! Glee Season 4 actually made me care about the new characters today, and I actually kind of like Marley now! Anything Grease- related is always fantastic. You Go Glen Coco!

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Clearly Handjive!!!!!! Performed by Mercedes, Mike Chang, Marley, Jake, Ryder and Kitty Kat. Ok the premise started out believable for once, judging couples chemistry and 50's dancing... but then BAM they hit us with some original Grease choreo AND the relevant tension between Kitty, Jake and Marley. And was that a double kartwheel? I could smell the desperation! What an epic number. BRAVA Glee!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Blow Me One Last Kiss performed by Marley and Unique. Anytime they perform together I will always be reminded on Womanizer which was the worst ever. I see Marley trying to step her performance up but she is still boring and the harmonizing was wack.

Favorite Moment of the Episode:

Brought to you by the incomparable Trouty Mouth: "I got hit by a car door once and I'm really looking forward to reliving the reality of that moment."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:

Retarded baby dammmmmmn shit just got real and awkward and real awkward.

Other Thoughts:

If Marley as Sandy doesn't speak in an Australian accent or whatever I quit life!

Please don't make a "Mr Shue goes to DC" segment of each show
Tina got 2 lines.

Brittany go NOOOO lines haha what is happening.

Congratulations Barry Obama.

I look like Erykah Badu

Glist
1. Jake- EVERYBODY TALKS FEATURED SOME JAKE DANCING AND I DON'T HATE IT AT ALL. This dude is for real.
2. Ryder- I wonder if Michael is sitting at home poking his Blake voodoo doll.
3. Sugar motta- as Frenchie? Too good. Beauty School Dropout no graduation day for u. and none for Gretchen Weiners.
4. Mike Chang- looking better than ever without that sack of lard attached to his arm.
5. Sam
6. Kitty Kat - Singing and dancing and hurling insults just the way I like her.
7. Artie
8. Puck - Because we listened to I Wanna Sex You Up last night at prac and I miss his hilarious dance interpretations
9. Blaine -GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. But great job.
10. Emma -Women's rights people!

Next Week's Episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avGfMc36ZTA

Hate to say it but this episode was great without that NewYork bull ish. No one wants to see Kate Hudson's post-baby abs. But Grease is the best musical of all time, so next week is gonna be DELISHIS. (TM Flavor of Love)