They don't want me to write another blog, so i made sure I wrote another blog

You know you've jumped the shark when you stoop to a DJ Khaled reference.

And wouldn't you know I get a huge paper cut on my strongest typing finger the eve of my planned blog session. They really don't want me to blog but the fans need me and I'm tough as nails and as resilient as my toenail that keeps growing back against all odds!!!! 

For those of you who are joining us for the first time, this is a Glee Blog gone wrong that now focuses another show that celebrates fanfare for it's own sake: Dancing with the Stars. After Prince Hough and I took a season-long hiatus, we are both back for Season 23. And I'm ready to put something out on the internet that will embarrass my future children someday.  Prepare yourself for my cutting edge analysis and critique. 

We open this season on an aerial shot of Aladdin's castle. I guess technically it would be The Sultan's castle but Aladdin eventually inherited it after he saved Agrabah and married Jasmine. (spoiler alert) How crazy that Jafar eventually became a genie himself!!!! And that Aladdin's dad is really the King of Thieves. [Sub-blog on the Aladdin Trilogy coming soon.] 

In my eyes the pro dancers have become significantly more famous than most of the "stars:" even Sasha and Emma are selling Sugar Bear Hair Gummies on instagram. The next All-Star season should be comprised of all pro-couples who have dated at some point- a battle of the exes if you will. (@ABC, @theChallenge, message me for pairing/theme ideas!) 

Food for thought: how many people do you think go around believing that Mandy Moore of Candy fame choreographs all of the opening numbers? Starting a campaign to get her on Season 24. #MandyMooreDWTS24

Tom and Erin are back as hosts: Tom to hold this disaster together and Erin to objectify the contestants in whenever she gets a microphone. "Show us that sexy move again" "Look at those abs" "Unbutton your shirt." She an independent clause away from a sexual harassment suit. 

There were not enough recognizable ballroom moves to analyze most of these couples, but don't stop me nowwwww....

#1 Marilu and Derek Hough 

All I know about Marilu is that she loves Derek Hough as much as the rest of the world. They didn't even explain why she is famous and I still don't know.  Derek usually gets a front runner as a partner so I had high hopes, but this was one of the wackest routines that Derek has been a part of in a long while. She won't win, but she is like the same age as Betsey Kartwheel Johnson (over 60!) and now I take back every compliment I ever gave Betsey.

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Despite things not looking good for Derek you can never count him out. I think that going first was a strategic move so that people forget about it and Marilu doesn't get categorized as a lost cause. They will make it past halfway but I don't know how far Derek can take this one. #nooffense #blessup 

Another conspiracy- Derek has lost his will to compete knowing that he can't make Mark feel inferior each week. 

#2 James and Sharna

Ughh Sharna Sharna Sharna aka the partner-killer aka always a bridesmaid never the bride aka silent Macarena aka I wrote this whole thing thinking his name was Jake and had to go back and edit. Where Derek makes his strategic move for the long-term, time after time Sharna sets herself up for a boring storyline that no matter how much the dancing improves, will not win her a mirrorball trophy.  

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Those two frowning while doing the Macarena will come to symbolize their arc on this season. Use your imagination. 

#3 Megatron and Lindsay 

Anytime an athlete competes on this show there are a few guarantees: 1) Erin Andrews will take ownership over this contestant and rattle off their stats like they come from her memory 2) Erin Andrews will mention how many times she has met them at past stages of their career 3) Did I mention Erin Andrews was/is a sports reporter? 

This partnership seems nice and sweet. Remember when Lindsay was just a scammer herself trying to pose as a good pro and now she gets the football player contestant over Witney/Sharna/Cheryl! She better send up prayers to Alek Skarlatos every night before bed. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Those size 15's will be a nightmare when he has to do the jive but if you get this crew in a contemporary routine GOOD LORD Lindsay will show him the way to lift her to a perfect score.

#4 Maureen McMormick and Artem

I like to think of this couple as the more likeable version of Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas. Grown up sitcom star with the overpraised pro who has contributed nothing but gets all of the hype. Within two seconds of their intro package they forced the  "Artem is hot" narrative down my throat and now I'm starting to believe it. They finally convinced me after all these years. Such a man. Swift as the coursing river. Strength of a raging fire and mysterious as the dark side of the moon. The dance itself was decent, Maureen is a hot mess of emotions and I don't know why. (We will uncover whats behind those tears soon enough.)  At the end of the dance Maureen lost her wits and almost thought Artem was in love with her, also notable: Florence Henderson may or may not be her forreal life mom, and Carrie Ann still loves to scream Artem's name.

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Maureen has Brady Bunch star power, but there are too many really really good male pros for Artem to stick around. They'll make it a few weeks and then Artem will dance seductively with Jenna in filler routines the remainder of the season.

#5 Babyface and Allison 

I need a documentary on Babyface to be made. Sinatra vibes. Denzel vibes. His mobility level is pretty below average but he could pull a Bill Engvall if he plays this right. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: The Mom inspiration could take him far BUTTTTTT his lack of dance ability and his partner's lack of popularity will do him no favors. Early exit. 

#6 Amber Rose and Maks 

This is the most relevant celebrity they have ever gotten and will ever get. Yeah I said it. Bigger than Nick Carter. Her fans probably don't even realize she is doing DWTS on her off days. I was looking forward to this partnership but what a disappointment! So mad at her for that blasphemy, looked like the second coming of Kim Zolciak. I say that with the utmost disrespect. Maybe she will get her act together, I hope Maks gets his Rasputin on. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Val made a deal with the producers that if he got Maks to come back then Val would get the best partner. #ourway

#7 Vanilla Ice and Witney 

I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he hasn't heard of Dancing with the Stars before or that he is currently on tour. If you have seen Vanilla Ice live in concert or even seen an advertisement for a Vanilla Ice Concert please speak up-  I can't write an informed blog if you remain silent on this issue. He got the BS out of the way and came out strong with Ice Ice baby too. And Witney did not come to play with you hoes!!!!! She came to slay. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Rob Van Winkle will win this season. He will put a folding chair through a window first but he will win. 

I need a fact check - were Rob van Winkle and Maureen Mccormick on any vh1 reality shows together it seems like they have a history.

#8 Jana and Gleb 

As a fan and blogger I wonder why on earth would these two nobodies be selected for this show and then paired together. Then they basically made love on the dance floor and it all became clear. Gleb seems like a no- nonsense kind of guy and of course Bruno gave them an 8 because #theatricality.

My conspiracy theory/prediction: hmu when they are gone

#9 Jake and Jenna 

So happy for Jenna! But she wore extensions and I'm feeling less supportive of her right now ... what... is... happening... to... me...  Jake (Disney Channel Fame) and Jenna were both born in 94 so stab me in the libido, and they have a nice little pairing SO IT SEEMS. I made the mistake of trusting this couple in my draft. Should've googled Jake T Austin ahead of time, the name 'Jake' betrayed me for the first time ever. After an absolutely horrific dance Jenna threw so much shade at VAL when she declared "we dont want to peak on the first show" and yes that I know for a fact it was about Val check the tapes. Jk probably not. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Jake is sharp. If he can get an ounce of his life together he will be decent and make it a few weeks. But he might be eliminated first. 

#10 Rick Perry and Emma 

Rick Perry is one of those guys who you are fine with being a living breathing idiot as long as he doesn't try to be President or name the 3 departments of government he would cut. Obviously an abysmal performance. Poor Emma. Who I love. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: I'm afraid we have seen the last of the real life Ricky Bobby in the ballroom. 

Some mid-show introspection: 

• Julianne just doesn't have the range! I'm sorry!!!!!!!!
• Sitting here wondering how they can gracefully introduce Ryan Lochte's existence into this environment
• Where is the troupe????? All Alan got to do in this whole episode is take a corndog from Rick Perry. And I'm not even sure that was Alan. 

#11 Terra and Sasha

Terra is the first little person in DWTS history and Sasha is a true gem. I don't see what the big deal is, this basically Laurie and Val's height difference. Not a good dance either though! Sasha carried them from horrible to mildly entertaining.  

My conspiracy theory/prediction: Normally this barrier-breaking stuff makes it to the end but I don't know, many people are saying she might be gone next week but it wasn't me who said it but it's just what I heard from many people. 

#12 Ryan Lochte and Cheryl 

Ok this whole thing was just diabolical. First of all, Ryan is cute. Already building good will towards himself with that face. He wants to prove to America that he has "changed his ways" (in the last 48 hours???), and and I think if anyone can whip him into shape, it's Cheryl. The dance itself was average, but the post-dance protesting really made it all worth it. 

The fact that anyone protested at all made me sympathetic for him. So protestors- your mission failed. About to be Team Lochte. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6HJXrKw2SY

BUT THE CAMERA WORK DURING THIS MOMENT WAS EVERYTHING!!!! The close up on Carrie Ann should win DWTS a Creative Arts Emmy. She really thought "Excuse me back off" was going to work???? Like do you think they accidentally wandered onto the dance floor on the way to the bathroom?? And to top it all off, you can hear Bruno utter the phrase "Chill Pill!" in the background before they cut to commercial. This whole season could tank and it will still be the best season yet from that moment alone. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: These so-called "protestors" were planted by Lochte's publicist to make us sympathetic and break the ice. Or they were actually his teammates who he let rot in a Brazilian jail - back for revenge. 

#13 Laurie and Val 

Val knows what time it is. After that Tamar debacle he said pay me what you owe me. Should we cancel this season now and give them the trophy? Gymnasts really have too much of an advantage but I will love watching them dominate all season. 

My conspiracy theory/prediction: I'm counting on Vanilla Ice to make it competitive but it looks like Val will walk away with Mirrorball Trophy #2.

Other thoughts:

• If Maks can go from judge to pro why can't Julianne
• Robert and Kym are the Jade and Tanner of DWTS
• 120% chance Blac Chyna will be on next season
• Why hasn't Kris Jenner ever been on this show!!!! She was born for the stage
• Derek looks so out of the loop with the other pros. He needs to figure out his dream "last partner" and go out with a bang 
• I love that despite how famous Amber Rose is, Kanye West will always be brought up a la the FAMOUS music video a la Kanye's genius will all make sense to you peasants one day
• Speaking of Kanye, thinking about writing a sub-blog to give Taylor advice on how to bounce back from her disastrous summer

So that's that! Maybe I'll never blog again, life is like a ball of mirrors. 

GRAND FINALE is finale here!

So what's up? 

Turns out there was a two-night finale a few weeks ago that never got blogged about but YOU KNOW WHAT my life doesn't revolve around you!!! 

Just kidding, I live for the applause. And I was so ready to BLOG! But then the 20-day sickness came back upon me and I was like... 



LUCKY FOR YOU I WILL NOT LET THIS BLOG GO UNFINISHED THE OLD ME IS DEAD AND GONE. And this is my ghost, writing to tie up Season 21 for all the readers I have awakened from their Glee Season 3/4 hibernation and I will autograph copies of this blog at the mall on Saturday. (National Mall that is, take a history lesson)  

This will either be really well-received because the anticipation has built or no one cares because there is a new season of the Challenge on and we are all nervously sweating waiting for Abram to unleash his rage.  Either way, Peta and Maks are engaged, Sean and Catherine are having a baby, Saint West was birthed and my blog is here. What a time to be alive. 

So now let's relive the greatest two night finale event in the history of television and count down the... 

10 MOST IMPORTANT AND ENTERTAINING MOMENTS AND CONCEPTS OF THE SEASON 21 DANCING WITH THE STARS TWO-NIGHT FINALE EXTRAVAGANZA 

THREE WEEKS LATER BECAUSE ITS RELEVANT

And don't forget that "I could snap your sternum with my forehead in one second". (Busey, 2015)

#10 "PONY" RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE! 

On the first night of the Finale, Carlos Penavega of Big Time Rush "fame"  got his first perfect scores of the season, doing 1) a sexy and fierce dance to one of the Weeknd's played-to-death hits and 2) a hip-hop dance featuring Paula Deen of all people. Sadly, he was eliminated the same night, which freed him up to focus on recreating arguably one of the most significant dances of the season: PONY! aka the Magic-Mike-Floor-Humping-Spectacular. The important thing to know is that they re-worked the formations so that Val could be smack dab in the middle and the cameras focused on him the entire time. Barely even saw Carlos. Some very smart people working behind the scenes at this show. 

Lil' Sebastian would be proud. #MiniHorse

#9 Sharna showed she is the the Real MVP 

I've never loved Sharna's personality- can't put my finger on exactly why but the fake smiling and weird outfits don't do it for me. But the finale really turned it around. First of all, the flashback to the week before when Nick messed up AGAIN and Sharna's mic picked up her pep talk mid-dance somehow was like the most professional dancer thing I've ever seen and I could never do that I'd be like a cat caught looking at a cucumber! (Apparently this is a thing- google it. Thanks Sav.) 

Another thing. Julianne was Nick and Sharna's "judge mentor" for the week, and she came into rehearsal to help Nick prepare for his Jive by making him pretend that there was "Hot Lava" on the ground like she was his pre-school dance instructor.  In what circumstance have any of us on this earth come across hot lava and thereby could relate to that reference? 

                            

And no offense to Maggie, but Nick got more and more annoying and Sharna dealt with his whiny antics and his slip-ups all season. This competition was handed to him on a silver platter (most fans in the world and prior years of experience performing for a family-friendly audience) and he couldn't execute and never had a breakout moment.

But most importantly, in their final Jive performance, Sharna's slayage of this galaxy cannot be put into words. So much slayage that my internal Lizzie McGuire cartoon character, Carrie Ann AND Erin Andrews complimented Sharna before they even talked about Nick. But Nick did really well too. And he is so regretting meeting his wife before he met Sharna. 

#8 Derek and Bindi HELD on (get it) and Derek gave us another reason to root for him

This is the 21st (TWENTY FIRST THOUGH) season of DWTS and the consequences of winning a mirror ball are still HUGE. If Alek wins, then the whole show is a sham and I hate America. If Nick wins, it's Sharna's first win ever and then Derek would get 2nd place. If Bindi wins it adds to Derek's legacy of victor over of the 73rd annual Hunger Games and over all other dancing peasants. 

This finale reminded the world that Derek knows what he's doing. First, he injected himself with some type of serum so he experienced "the sickening" during their final rehearsals of their quickstep and the "dancing against all odds" story began to formulate...

THEN WE FLASHED BACK to Season 15, when Shawn and Derek also had the Quickstep for their final dance and Derek broke all the rules and danced out of hold. The judges gave them lower scores AND THEN THEY LOST to freaking Tony Dovolani and Melissa Rycroft for God's sake. "Redemption story" continues to form... 

Fast forward to present-day times and Bindi is doing some spoken word at the beginning of the dance so you know it's real.  They killed the performance and Derek's fist pump at the end = "I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED AGAIN. VOTE FOR ME OR PERISH SWEATER MONKEYS."

Dance for your life Bindi! #init2winit



#7 Who is Fancy?

Exactly. 

Meghan Trainer was the musical guest and looked like a middle school girl at a talent show who was slightly embarrassed that she had to perform in front of people, and Ariana Grande and her heavenly voice were so apathetic about participating in this epic finale.

The answer to the question "Who is Fancy" is obviously Damien from Mean Girls and since seeing their performance I have played "Boys Like You" over 12 billion times. 

#6 Pondering if Nick Carter is here for the right reasons...

Uggggh Nick. We could have had it all. So many mistakes made and it all came crashing down in the final 48 hours of competition. First of all, his BSB song choice has been ill-advised all season, and "Larger than Life" as his freestyle song was just another missed opportunity to show off any ballroom skills he has picked up. Especially THE DUMB BREAKDOWN where he did some of the weirdest, clunkiest, slowest dance moves in freestyle history! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!

And then the last few minutes of the season wrapped up with Nick having the nerve to sing a song off of his SOLO album. What kind of blasphemous back-stabbing... you tricky son of a gun... you know BSB needs your vocals to be fresh while Brian is healing!!! #howcouldyoubesoheartless. And then omg the split screen moment when they announced the Alek got 3rd place lolololol it was actually hilarious because Nick mini-celebrated like the merciless Draco Malfoy he is. In 48 hours it went from "I would love to see Nick win" to "Nick is trying to get Bindi to try gateway drugs." #villainsgottaVil

             

(Still love Nick I can't turn my back on you after what Lou Perlman put you through.)

#5 LET'S WATCH ALL OF THE WEIRD CONTESTANTS DANCE AGAIN

The fact that they let each eliminated contestant dance in the Finale is always questionable because who needs to relive that ever. But this season finale they limited the length of the dances so it was nice (?) to laugh at the following sacrilegious excuses for dancing: 

-Gary started yet another routine with yelling "WHAT?" I don't know if that was staged but it got me in the ribs. 

-Paula and Louie did their god awful Gilligan's Island dance but I made sure to only watch the dancer with pillows stuffed up his shirt.

-Lawwdddd Lil' Victor did two dances, one in which Karina picked him up and swung him around like a baby and one with the Penis Sombrero. Victor is the definition of a BAT OUT OF HELL #GodBlessKarina 

-And Kim Zolciak had the nerve to return and butcher the "I Dream of Jeannie dance" that they had at least one additional month to practice after her disqualification. Spoiler alert it was insulting to all of our time spent watching this show and then Tom made a joke about Kim being too big to fit back in the bottle? Idk, what a season am i right. 

#4 Alek ain't so bad after all 

Sometimes when a lackluster dancer makes it far in the competition (Noah, Candace Cameron, Bristol Palin) I become an angry beaver. This season I threw a lot of shade at Alek aka "I've gotta a blank face baaaabay," which he deserved because he was basically immobile during every dance and only moved his limbs to lift Lindsay's long body over his head. And ok his final Rumba and was pretty wack (MORE HIP ACTION) and the Silky Grey Pajamas Joke of 2015 was too much BUTTTT i was impressed that this literal nobody was able to learn choreography every week and he knows how to count music and when to lift Lindsay up and put her back down again. For the finale he had like 5 dances! 

And this goes against logic but I LOVED his freestyle and it was one of those memorable dances that i'll never forget although it looked like he did forget or he was one of those people in Men in Black who gets their memory erased because his face had no expression throughout the dance or the entire season. And the fall backwards was stolen from Derek and Shawn but it was still awesome! 

**LOL omg wouldn't it be funny if two guys (MALES) liked each other not just liked each other but LIKE LIKED each other like a BROMANCE how hilarious would that joke be???? (Re: the Carlos and Alek montage cmon DWTS) 

#3 The Bindi/Derek Freestyle of all Freestyles

WATCH HERE NOW AGAIN AND AGAIN



Ugh. The way she calls him Dad and not "my dad". The way Derek loves her more than he will ever love me. "Sometimes it feels like there is 3 people in the room". And Bindi looked like a beautiful land mermaid. Made me change my stance on shoulder sits in a dance. AND THE SURPRISE PICTURE OF HER DAD is why Derek is the ultimate competitor and will not be beaten. 

It was very obvious at this moment who deserved to win. 

#2 The LEN IS BACK! Moment

One of the best moments of the finale series, and quite possibly of my life. LEN GOODMAN's beautiful face popped up on the screen to kick Julianne out of the center seat. He probably called ABC up the moment the Gary Busey received a "7" and demanded his rightful place on the throne. 

#CELEBRATE!

                      

#1 The moment that we all deserved. 

BINDI AND DEREK WIN!!! And BINDI'S LITTLE BROTHER CAN'T TAKE IT! And neither can I because Kim Zolciak lost her mind and tried to pick Bindi up like a baby. Thank you to whoever finally shoved her out of the way so that she could get elevated enough for this perfect picture: 

Yay Bindi! And congratulations to Patricia on her DWTS Draft win! 

I got second place just so everyone knows but shoutout to my 4 #DraftQueens for continued commitment to Monday night ABC shows. 

BUT WAIT EVEN MORE THOTS FROM THIS SEASON: 

-Erin Andrews is a loose cannon who is coming to da edge
-I'm convinced Julianne has a critique writer who plans her judges comments ahead of time which is why nothing she says ever applies to the dances
-Anyone from the military will make it to at least 3rd place (check my facts because i haven't) 
-Witneys hair was EVERYTHING this season. Don't know if it's real or fake but I support it 
-TAMAR! Tragic tale 
-Dancing with the Stars is the sexiest "family show" ever Julianne can't say "butt" but the dancers can basically have sex on the dance floor
-#JusticeforKeo
-Andy Grammar has the voice of an angel and now he can incorporate dancing into his shows!! 
-The dance to Ex's and Oh's omg who is this girl Jenna 
- I needed the re-do of the Breaking Bad number like I need a hole in the head
- FUSION DANCES ARE SUCH A WASTE. Their final challenge should be a second freestyle. Or have the stars choreograph.  
-The Tom Bergeron montage of Safety Dance was one of the most disappointing discombobulations of a montage I've ever seen 

So as William Hung once said, "I did my best and I have no regrets." Share these words to the world so I can one day be famous enough to dance with Derek Hough. 

SEE YOU IN MARCH! 

Sideblog Alert: 

MTV's The Challenge: Bloodlines
HOLY MOTHER OF PLOP this is the most genius concept they have come up with. This season is going to give me an ulcer between Leroy having to suffer through the challenges with his un-athletic cousin to watching Jenna somehow make it to the end again to the return of ZACK AND CT for what reason I need to know! I'm pulling for Team Cohutta and his hilarious country cousin and once again they have filled the challenge with a bunch of worthless girls who can't do anything (Aneesa + 1 and Nany's doll cousin.) 

I'm so pumped I might even have to fully blog. Can't stop won't stop. 

Show Stop, Carry on. If I had a quarter for every time someone showed up late to a live show, Week 9

THE FINAL 6

QUARTER FINALS 

SHOWSTOPPING DUETS

#WHEREISTAMAR 

and more! on this week's edition of.... 

DANCING WITH THE STARS BLOG WITHIN AN ABANDONED GLEE BLOG THAT NO ONE READS EXCEPT A BUNCH OF LOSER FREAKS

Let's paint the scene. After ignoring all social media and elimination-related group texts for 24 hours, I sat down to watch this week's episode, cozy in my bed with my almond butter surprise ready to devour. We are down to the finals weeks and I live in fear of Derek and Bindi's elimination, although I forget to vote every week. I hate myself.  So I was already on edge when I pressed play and then slowly started to realize that there was no extravagant and uplifting Opening Number... 

No opening number???? Something's up. What is it Tom??? Is Derek going home??? 

And then like a bad dream, Valentin stood up there without a partner like he was Steven Glandsberg, looking so lonely and fashionable. 

(Also I wrote down a note at this point that read: "OMG MARK WHY" but I'm not sure if he did something or if I was just being hateful) 

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS TAMAR?????? First reaction: a rush of panic. Second reaction once Tom announced that Tamar might make it back in time: WE MIGHT HAVE OURSELVES A NICKI MINAJ AMERICAN IDOL MOMENT ON OUR HANDS and I begin to be nosy and nervous for the rest of the show. 

#Stallionaires

In the wise words of Finn Hudson, the show must go all over the place or something and boy did it. 

And the theme this week was "Showstopper"! I think. There was no link between the dances so it could have been the Almond Butter Surprise week and no one would care. We were all just sitting there like is Tamar about to show up like nothing happened a la Nicki? 

Anyway- the dances were important here's what hapened. 

Alek and Lindsey 

24 out of 30

Takeaways from this week: It took 5+ people to wax Alek's chest hair. 
The Dance: They chose a great song (Back it Up, everyone educate yourself this will be played at my wedding) and it was a nice routine only because Lindsay and the backup dancers did everything they could to block Alek throughout. 

TAMAR THOUGH we are just wondering....

Mark and Alexa

30 out of 30 

Takeaways from this week: Alexa and Mark found a heart-warming story/cause that could give Alexa a big moment in one of the most crucial weeks. I see you, Mark. Getting those 10's by any means necessary. 
The Dance: Alexa was Mark's little rag doll for most of it, I think she stood on her own two feet for 5% of all choreography but it was good! 
Judge Julianne: Tried to give some inspirational advice to Alexa and over- complimented Mark because the Hough Matriarch probably scolds her and Derek for not including him enough. 

Still no Tamar... 

BUT THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE IN THE HOUSE! They picked a tense night to show up. (And Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely softly plays in the background while Val kicks around an empty soda can.) 

Witney and Carlos

27 out of 30

Takeaways from this week: The pros are really feeling the pressure! Witney lost her confidence and then kicked Carlos where he won't forget. 
The Dance: I give them all the bonus points allotted to me as an official DWTS Blogger for picking one of the most epic songs of our generation,"What Do you Mean." (Although is it still considered my generation?? not sure) Justin said "be more straight-forward" and I thought it was a great straight-forward dance. Julianne and Carrie Ann were some hatin hoes and "happy hoes ain't hatin' and hatin' hoes ain't happy." - Khlo Khlo

Bindi and Derek

30 out of 30

Takeaways from this week: Derek was also feeling the pressure to win this week, and watching him get frustrated and question his choreography just made him more desirable. It was revealed that he felt like he let Nastia down last season (tears) and now hopefully America will see he is in it to win it and he deserves mirrorball #6. (I WILL VOTE NEXT WEEK)
The Dance: It's hard to understand how such perfection occurs on a weekly basis. It was a Viennese Waltz for Crikey's Sake and they made it beautiful and stunning and fabulous and they make me want to cry every time. And they danced to a song written by Mark and his girlfriend. They are from heaven. 

Tamar and Val???

22 out of 30 

Takeaways from this week: Tamar is missing! FLASHBACK TO DRESS REHEARSAL! 

The dance: SMDH for having to watch that nonsense. Val looked PISSSSED to say the least. I realized this week that it's not just Tamar the judges are scared of, they don't want the Chmerkovsky wrath either. Her dress rehearsal scores still almost beat Alek's though, POW. 

Nick and Sharna

28 out of 30

Takeaways from this week:  Well we've got Nick C. writhing around on the floor and Sharna looking at her phone talking about she is the only pro who has never won. Not exuding the most confidence. 
The Dance: Nick was adorable but let's give it up for Sharna being the baddest of the ballroom. Good lord. I really liked it and don't know why the judges were so critical but we did hear the loudest boos ever which means the fans are in it to win it for Nick, baby of the band. 

Sidenote Kevin and Howie lololol 

NEW THEME ALERT! SHOWSTOPPING DUETS 

I have no idea why they didn't pair up male/female partners but fine

Duet #1: Carlos and Alek = 24 out of 30 

Lindsay, Alek, Witney and Carlos went on a cruise to prepare... because that's always the best way to focus on your dreams of winning a dance competition, going on cruise to play foozball. 

The dance was to "We Will Rock You" and I loved it! I was so impressed, especially with Lindsey and Witneys hair and hairography. The lift was great. But hating ass judges gonna hate. 

UPDATE FROM TOM BERGERON: TAMAR IS TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK! GAHHHHHHH

Duet #2: Alexa and Bindi =  30/30

Ya know, I had really started to be okay with Mark. At some point enough is enough, and he is Derek's best friend so he must not be that bad.

UNTIL HE HAD THE NERVE TO UTTER THE LETTERS "KTVD" which apparently mean "Killing the Vibe Derek" MARK I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU 

Bindi and Alexa killed the Carlton. 

****OMFG TAMAR IS HERE WILL SHE BE PERFORMING IN A HOODIE AND SHADES WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME****

As soon as the last dance started I was almost in tears out of exhaustion from this roller coaster of an episode. They danced to "Hey Jude" and it was not the greatest dance I've ever seen but Tamar was like their little sick child who was so happy to be out there dancing and twirling and Nick tried to act supportive but in his head he was like DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME TAMAR!!!! 

Duet #3: Tamar and Nick =  27/30

****Elimination time!****

Bindi and Derek and Nick and Sharna were called safe first so that was comforting. Alek and Lindsay were called third (ALL THE BLASPHEMY) and Tamar and Val were also safe but it doesn't really matter since she has since dropped out. 

So one of the married stars was going home THEY GAVE US THE MIC'D UP MARRIED PERSON CONVERSATION which was full of over-dramatic accusations and tears. And then to my surprise, Alexa and Mark were eliminated. 

Then Carlos had a freaking meltdown on live TV like Alexa was Teresa Giudice being wrongfully hauled off to Prison or something and we were all like... 

OMG CARLOS LOLOLOLOL THE DRAMATICS ITS JUST DANCING WITH THE STARS OMG. Says the girl with the weekly blog okay bye 

BEST FROM THE GROUP TEXT WHICH IS REALLY KILLING IT LATELY: 

"Let's kick Mark out and have Val dance with Alexa" 
"Mark looks like a dementor" 
"I feel like Joey Fatone hasn't left the ballroom since he competed"*******
"Mark has a girlfriend? And I'm still single."
"No one died" (I'm assuming this is in response to Carlos's breakdown") 

Couples left to dance for glory: 

Derek and Bindi

Nick and Sharna

Carlos and Witney

Alek and Lindsey 

See you later warehouse, catch you on the flippity flip