These
are the breaks... break it up break it up break it up BREAK DOWN!
Finally,
after years of glorifying long-term teenage romances, Glee has come to their
senses and finally made an episode that exposes the harsh reality of what
happens after the snow falls in New Haven: Face it- post-honeymoon phase, most relationships
SUCK and everyone should just BREAK UP!
Haha,
no I'm just kidding, I'm sure some relationships are great (yeah right). But as
someone who is SAF (or "single as a dollar bill" as my friend
Pattle called me yesterday) all I have to say is: Leggo, Single girl swag,
Imma do me, it's called a breakup not a breakdown, If you liked it then you
shoulda put a ring on it, All my single ladies, and to the left to the left!
I
will now give a single person's verdict of these break-up scenarios, because clearly
I am the most qualified to analyze others' relationships. Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys.
If he
doesn't call you for 4 months, he's just not that into you: A Finchel Story
Dun
Dun Dun awk awk city bitch. Ah,
it seems like only yesterday when Rachel and Finn were sharing their first
awkward kiss in the auditorium... fast forward a few years, and it turns out
the F in Finn stands for FAILURE, as that is what Finny Bear has become after
pulling a Plaxico, being discharged from the army and "back-packing across
Georgia." WTF does that even entail? Are you staying at Holiday Inns, eating
at country diners and hanging with NeNe and Kim? Rough life,
son. F also stands for FAVE SHIRT as Finn loves his baby blue Rugby shirt. Apparently
during those 4 months by himself, he ran into a wise Samaurai who taught him
the art of "popping up", or just showing up at your girlfriends
apartment like nothing's wrong, and he did just that. ("You gotta POP UP. Don't come in there
like 'what the hell is this?!' You have to walk in like nothing happened like 'Hey,
what's up just stopping by to say Hi! and pop UP!" - Lauren Boswell). And his pop-up totally
worked! Rachel seemed so happy to turn her life back into the Finnberry Show; she even let him sit in on her pointless dance rehearsals. (Kate Hudson must have been out this week because she never would have allowed that!) But Finn's insecurities once again got the best of him, and Finchel was forced to face the
real issues going on in their "relationship":
Issue 1: Rachel
made out with Brody
Issue 2: Finn needs
Rachel to make him feel "special", and he is bringing nothing to the table right now, he can't even sing it out!
Issue 3: Finn is
jealous of Rachel's success
Issue 4: Rachel
cannot be taken seriously with that hair
Issue 5: Finn is a
little bitch
Hey
Finn, why you mad? You set Rachel
free! You uttered one of the corniest words in the English dictionary and made
her "surrender," so shut thee fuck up! If
she makes out with someone else, it's because YOU BROKE UP WITH HER, and it's
because she wants to... and she's just not that into you anymore! And clearly
you are not that into her either, if you didn't call her for FOUR FREAKING
MONTHS. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that you broke up with her in the first
place, but don't just change your mind because you aren't doing so well! That's
the equivalent of packing your bags and leaving your husband and then it's
starts raining so you're like "honey can I move out tomorrow morning instead?"
No.
Verdict: Both parties
are guilty. Finn is guilty of being indecisive and weak, Rachel is guilty of
having ridiculous hair. Break-up forreals and let's revisit this again at
Christmas ok?
Klaine's Pain: Neglect, Betrayal and Poking aka Why Don't You Love Me? When I Make Myself So Easy to Love?
Remember
when Kurt used to wear his hair in a swoop and just wanted to kiss a boy for
the first time? Now he can barely make time for a two-minute conversation with
the most perfect human being on Earth, and BOOM another favorite couple in on
the rocks! Blaine is feeling low, because Kurt has no time for him, so he also
decides to POP UP POP UP in New York. Kurt is happy to see him, but notices
that Blaine seems a little down in the dumps, dramatic and criminally INSANE
whilst singing Teenage Dream, Karoke version. It turns out, Blaine is sad
because he feels guilty for CHEATING ON KURT! GASP! Louder!!! what up sexy? nm
here jc. love, internet Eli. So we are all supposed to be mad at Blaine right?
WRONG. Cheating is wrong yadda yadda yadda, but I fully blame Kurt and I don't care I don't care I
don't care. Blaine was self-sabotaging, probably so he could get a chance
to see if Kurt even cared about him anymore! Breaking my heart/give my heart a
break! :-( I love Blaine, and Kurt needs to wake up, smell the hair gel, and
realize his role in this whole thing. If you are going to promise to make this
long-distance relationship work, you need to hold up your end!
Verdict: Both are
guilty. Klaine is guilty only because poking is ew and he needs to have some
more self-esteem. Kurt is sentenced to life in prison for not appreciating the
wondrous and powerful Blaine Warbler. So Kurt, forgive Blaine and get your act
together!
Brittana, You're a great cheerleader it's just.. maybe you're not "Boyfriend Material"
Brittana, You're a great cheerleader it's just.. maybe you're not "Boyfriend Material"
Wow,
this was thrown up in
there like we cared wasn't it? Unlike
the other idiot couples, Satana and Brit are actually trying to make it work
long-distance. Satana comes home every weekend to hang with her GF and go to
freaky apocalypse meetings with her. (Santana, you are missing out on some great
parties... but okay.) But still, Brittany is not feeling satisfied. Why you mad
Brittany? Why are you
crying Heathaaaa? Santana is just trying to get her education and flirty smile on! So after a bunch
of blah blah blah and one well-sung but irrelevant "break-up song"
from Santana, they decided to break it off. As Becky Jackson would say...
BORRRRING. Can't you get into a girlfight or something?
Verdict: They are
both not guilty. Just shut up and dance, Brittany- the dance floor is your new
lover and you need to make up for lost time.
Wemma, Shuddddup
and get married already. I need another Glee Wedding in my life. I
speak for everyone when I say NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS.
Letters of
concern to Jake and Marley:
Dear
Marley, you are too boring to stand. Please step up your game to make me care
about you more so that every scene of Grease doesn't make me wish that Tina
Cohen Chang was cast as Sandy. Better yet, just call up Olivia Newton John, she
still got it! Let's get ethical!
Dear
Jake, don't date Marley- she is boring.
Overall
Grade for the Episode: B++
Best
episode ever made? Did I watch the wrong episode by mistake or something? Another
attempt by Ryan Murphy to try to make fetch happen. Don't get me wrong, it was
good, but don't throw around "Best Episode Ever" like it's nothing. I
can name 15 episodes off the top of my head better than this one, just tweet me
if you would like to hear them in order. The songs were ill-placed, I would
have put Teenage Dream as the closing number with Blaine by himself,
reminiscing on his relationship, instead it was just awkward and embarrasing
for him. And Give your heart a break should have been a story song with Brody
telling her to giver her heart a break! The words so clearly applied to the
plot of the episode!
Favorite Performance of the Episode: They were all let-downs after I spoiled the song list for myself (I blame the Bookie girl). But I'll pick "Give your Heart a Break" performed by Brody and Rachel. Damn you Demi Lovato you created a monster and this song will never not sound good!
Least
Favorite Performance of the Episode: They were all disappointing but they were also all slightly good. I'll say Don't Speak
performed by Finchel and Klaine because it was overly dramatic and boring.
Favorite
Moment of the Episode: When Kurt fan kicked off the fountain and sprinted away during
the "Dont Speak" performance"
Least
Favorite Moment of the Episode: Finn back at McKinley... just say no to drugs
dude.
Glist
1.
Brody- for keeping it classy dude.
2.
Kitty - You would have been number one had you not blasphemed Barack Hussein
Obama, I say his middle name because it matters
3.
Dottie, where have you been? Cuz I never see you out. We've been left behiiiiiiiiiiiiind!
4.
Blaine- stop being weak gleeotch
5.
Santana - she's still got it!
6.
Sugar Motta Lives
7.
Sam - trouty mouth is the show now
8.
Jake - still hot
9. Emma (good for you I guess)
10.
Sandy Ryerson (thanks Maggie for bringing up his name, now I can't get him out
of my head)
Rachel
Berry- you're OUT! YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US until you get a hair cut.
Other
thoughts:
Why
is Rachel wearing full makeup and flashes to bed?
"Dude
u totally spooked me" - Finn
Another
Sugar Motta- less episode... not cool
What
the heck is up with travel costs for these fools? They just go from Lima to New
York to Lima like it's nothing
Has
Coach Beiste been in this season?
When
is Kitty gonna join the club??? I wonder what her voice sounds like?
Is Carrie Bradshaw done with her guest role or what?
Next New
Episode:
SAAAAAANDY
oh SAAAAANDY. If they screw up Grease then I have no hope. Although I saw Brody
running in slow motion again so it can't be but so bad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjwCE1Cms4c
