No one watches Glee anymore... I DONT CARE I LOVE IT: Season 4 FINALLY

SEASON FINALE! Twists and turns and SHOCKERS!!! No, none of that happened, but some other stuff did and I also did the thing where I am obsessed with Glee so I recapped the Season 4 musical performances at the very end. "Hashtag Pow" -Mariah Carey.

We begin with Brittany, girl genius. MIT brought her in for an admission interview because of her high SAT scores. She got a zero on their test, but she doodled a bunch of numbers on the back of her scoresheet that led them to believe that she is the next Albert Einstein. (Eyes rolling all the way in the back of my head.)

Because of this successful? interview, Brittany has been accepted to MIT on a full scholarship and must start RIGHT AWAY. Meaning like right freaking now. So she bust back up in those halls of McKinley looking PREGNANT as a kangaroo, spouting off demands and insults. "Tina... ahhh you're just Tina." She demanded to write and sing all of the Regionals songs, broke up with Sam via or vaya text message and quit the Cheerios.  

So Sue and Will staged an intervention to find out what is up with her, which is completely ridiculous because Brittany is a Stage One Idiot and her thoughts have no rhyme or reason. But Brittany makes them come on Fondue for Two and the only thing accomplished is that Sue reveals that the celebrity fahjer of her baby is Michael Bolton. Not a bad choice, but just SMH at Glee for randomly throwing this in there the way they did. The identity of Sue's baby was like the cliffhanger of LAST year's season finale so this is not giving me very much hope in the open-ended shit they left us with this year, but more on that later. Also, why couldn't the dad be someone hilarious like Sandy Ryerson or Howard Bambu? Or Carl the Dentist? And Will and Sue didn't even ask Brittany any questions. So after this, Sam decided to take matters into his own hands and call his arch nemesis/best friend Santana Lacienagabolivardez Lopez for help. This interaction between the 2 was cute, but why was Santana undressing the whole phone convo? Anyway, she took the Lima Express home to tend to her Britt Britt, leaving Rachel all alone in NY to prepare for her Funny Girl audition. (Yeah Kurt left too because.. I guess school is out for the summer.)

Rachel's audition was nothing more than a final attempt for Glee to get one more Rachel Berry song in before the season ended. She sang "To Love You More" by Celine Dion, a song which proves that you may think you don't know every Celine Dion song, but you actually do. I got immediate chills and she was flawless. Can we get a Glee/American Idol competition so Rachel can show us how it is really done? (Also, Kreedom?? Really America??) But then the audition was over and that was that. So apparently all she has to do for the audition is to sing one song. Isn't this an acting role, too? Whatever, good job Roo Roo.

Back at McKinley, Mr. Shue was rambling off some nonsense words about Indiana and Waffle Dudes and Ziggler in preparation for Regionals. (He also made them give a round of applause for the ghost of Rachel Berry... all part of her master plan to take over the world muhahahahhah.)

So as they are sitting around preparing for another sub-par showing, all hell breaks lose! Oh wait also Sugar and Joe are back, and they made a little scene about it- which I can't decide if I liked or not. Because clearly they have been missing from school and Glee for like 2 months so I'm glad that didn't just act like it was normal but if they are going to make a fuss about them being back the least they could have done was make up some elaborate Glee-appropriate excuse like Joe was off turning people into Christians (Things fall apart... messed up) and Sugar was filming My Super Sweet 16 or something. But anyway, yet again Ryan Murphy has read my blog and took my advice on how to approach the Ryder-Catfish situation.  See blog statement from two weeks ago:

Ummm, hey Ryder- why don't you just stand up in front of the club and say HEY GUYS WHO THE FUCK IS CATFISHING ME RIGHT NOW. OUT WITH IT.

So Ryder did that, and not only did that but went freaking ballistic and kicked a bunch of music stands. Mr. Shue get control of your freaking students! Marley came forward and said it was her, but it was so obvious from the moment she admitted it that she was covering for Unique. I even wrote in my notes "Marley must be covering for Unique." Glee you can't fool me! As for this outcome to the catfish... I am not happy, I am not pleased, I am the opposite of satisfied and I am definitely over this whole thing. Ryder was angry of course; and he wants to quit the Glee Club. And Unique... she seems to be in love with Ryder. The very best case scenario is that this can turn out to be another Kurt/Finn situation where Ryder learns to become more accepting and Unique gets over her crush. Blah.

All the while, Sir Blaine Warblington is plotting a proposal for his one true love, Kurt. He asks Sam to be his best man and they look for an engagement ring, even though Blaine totally wants to do Sam! And who doesn't. Seriously let me take a moment to just plead with Chord Overstreet to never leave Glee. Figure out how to stay relevant in the plot and just suck it up until the series ends which will undoubtedly be after Season 6 because they are def running fresh out of new ideas. So anyway, Blaine meets a lesbian role model, they go on a double date at Breadsticks with Lesbian 1 &2 and Kurt/Blaine. It is all very sweet, the Lesbians propose, (I feel bad not remembering their names) and Blaine seems to be ready to pop the question, although I have no idea if Kurt would say yes. I feel like this is Ryan Murphy's way of roping people in. BUT I GUESS WE WILL FREAKING HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT SEPTEMBER. Great.

It's time for Regionals!!

Emma is back!! With new bangs! And a white dress!

This year's competition is: Waffletudes and the Papa Smurfs or something...can't remember their names. Waffletudes sang Rainbow Connection, which immediately made me think of Rory, and made me hope that they drop Unique like they dropped him and that Glee Project Season 3 will be in full effect this summer. My girl Jessica Sanchez aka Frida Romero (really??!) led the Papa Smurfs in two pretty good songs, but homegirl has not yet mastered the art of lipsyncing. Take notes. And WHATTTT was up with the girl doing the slow motion twerking solo??? These writers have been doing some Crystal Meth fo sho (watching Breaking Bad right now), but these performances were nice and short so I appreciate that.

Now time for the New Directions to perform, and while getting in their show circle (also known as a huddle for all of you sports fans who watch Glee) Brittany S. Pierce has something to say. The reason she has been acting so weird is that she doesn't feel stupid anymore, and is sad that she has to leave everyone IMMEDIATELY. Touching. But you are stupid. As much as Brittany gets on my last freakin nerve, I was fully crying as she went around and basically said goodbye to everyone. This must be Heather Morris' last episode foreal. Her goodbye to Sam was by far the most emotional... I just love Sam. I wish this show circle was all about Sam and not all about Brittany. Damn though. Good stuff.

Showtime! They kicked it off with "Hall of Fame" which highlighted all of the boys. They all looked so cute minus Joe! Then Kitty and Tina sang an ear-splitting auto-tuned version of "I Love It" which could not have been more annoying. Actually, it could have been more annoying if they were singing in Korean and crawling around on the stage like a bunch of fools. Then Marley Rose and Blaine sang an original song called "All or Nothing" which I thought was cute.

So New Directions won. Which was pretty blasphemous but not that unrealistic since the judges were idiots and anyone who won a National Championship the year before will always get the upper hand. It was annoying that they used the same music and slow motion cheering as when they won Nationals last year... and just annoying that they won in general. Also Ryder hugged Unique in slow motion and then looked utterly confused.

The episode wrapped up in the choir room, with Will and Emma choosing to get married in front of a bunch of rejects who Will and Emma barely know. I bet Finn was supposed to be there. :-( And they didn't have the courtesy to invite Beiste or Sue? This was so stupid but I still cried because that's who I am and I love Glee and I guess that's the moral of this whole story.

This season has been all over the fucking place, but I still loved it. Glee may never be able to re-capture the magic and magnificence of season 1 and 2, but we love the characters and the music and the absurdity of each and every idea they come up with so I will keep coming back for more.

Just to review a few important happenings in Season 4:

1. Rachel, Kurt and Santana moved to NY to pursue their dreams of stardom

2. Rachel/Finn, Kurt/Blaine, Santana/Brittany and Will/Emma all broke up, but Will and Emma got back together and are now married.

3. The other original members (Mercedes, Artie, Tina) have no relevance in this show anymore, except Tina has become the joke of the Glee Club.

4. Blaine and Sam are now best friends and the best thing that has ever happened to this show.

5. They did "Don't Stop Believing" a third time. (Believe it or not.... Bruce is not at home)

6. Sue has a baby, and got fired because she took the fall for Becky, who brought a gun to school and accidentally fired a shot.

7. Finn got discharged from the Army, and is now becoming a teacher.

8. The Glee Club got 4 fabulous new members Marley, Jake, Ryder and Kitty and one annoying, over-dramatic, one that talks in third person. (I'm referring to Unique, everyone!) Also, Marley's mom is an obese lunch lady and she has an eating disorder... maybe.

9. Rachel dated a male giggolo for a while there.

10. Quinn Fabray Forever. #longlivethehighpony

Favorite 10 Musical Performances of Season 4:

There were plenty of solid numbers- I'm sure Mags will be upset that Footloose and Centerfold/Hot In Herre were not chosen- but these were the ones that I became obsessed with and I am the blogger here so therefore I am always right.

Close contenders: Unchained Melody and Come What May

10. Give Your Heart a Break performed by Rachel and Brody in "The Breakup" I remember I was initially disappointed about the context of this song, but this is really what got Finn to confront Rachel about Brody and led to them breaking up again. Watching it now makes me think about Rachel's life and how far she has come this season. And it just sounds sooooooo good.

9. Born to Hand Jive performed by the New Directions in "The Role You Were Born to Play" So good. First time the new kids really freaking BRRRROUGHT IT and loved the re-creation of the Grease scene.

8. Some Nights performed by the New Directions in "Feud". Good ole fun auditorium number, came out when this song was just getting popular and I still only hear the Glee version when I hear this song being played out with all the white people.

7. The Scientist performed by Rachel, Finn, Emma, Will, Santana, Brittany, Blaine, Kurt in "Breakup". The first time I saw this I really didn't like it-I think because they had already done "Fix You" last season and all Coldplay songs sound exactly alike. But now this is pretty much perfect, all of the couples singing about how hard it is to be together, the only way this could be better is if Rachel didn't look like straight out of a horror porn movie.

6. Let's Have A Kiki performed by Rachel, SJP and Kurt in "Thanksgiving". I mean just FABULOUS in every way! It's Turkey Lurkey time.

5. New York State of Mind performed by Rachel and Marley in "The New Rachel". Our first look at the New Rachel in McKinley and New York. Both sounded amazing, both feeling the shit out of themselves. Such a great way to kick off the season even though Marley never really had another great moment like this again.

4. Just Can't Get Enough performed by Kurt and Blaine in "I Do". Ain't nothing wrong with a wedding reception. So fetch.

3. You're the One that I Want performed by Ryder, Marley, Rachel, Finn and every old person in "Glease" Not my favorite song to listen to by far, but so amazing to watch. My thoughts that week: "BUT THEN THE FLASHBACK TO RACHEL AND FINN IN SEASON 1 AND RACHEL DRESSED LIKE SHE WAS WHEN SHE TRIED TO SEDUCE FINN... and singing the words "You're the one that I want." My heart lowered all the way to the floor but my brain was still up and singing along to the music."

2. Teenage Dream (Acoustic) performed by Blaine Warbler in "The Breakup". Despite this being one of the more awkward and insane facial expressional performances ever.. this was just unbelievably good to watch and to listen to over and over and over and over again.

1. We've Got Tonight performed by Rachel, Finn, Kurt, Blaine, Quinn, Santana, Marley, Artie, etc. in "I Do" In the episode blog I ranked this behind Just Can't Get Enough, but overtime I have come to love this song and performance soooo much. Love when they get everyone involved- Finn and Rachel sounded SO good. The song made sense for what was happening and moved the plot along and EVERYONE DID IT.

How these performances rank in the grand scheme of life: We've Got Tonight and Teenage Dream are AMAZING but don't even crack my top 30 all time. (Yes I have a list, #30 is Run Joey Run so you know that list is DA BOMB)

5 other great Season 4 songs that everyone should download right now:

1. How to Be a Heartbreaker (Brody and Rachel in "Feud")

2. This is the New Year (New Directions in "Naked")

3. Let Me Love You (Jake in "Naked")

4. Love Song (Rachel, Quinn and Santana in "Naked")

5. Longest Time (New Directions in "Lights Out")

Best Episode of Season 4: I Do.

Glee always crushes the Valentine's Day episodes. And the wedding episodes. Every single thing about this episode was perfect. Rachel and Finn played it perfectly, everyone looked awesome, great songs, a little lesbian loving, and really played the Marley/Jake/Ryder thing well. SUCH A HAPPY DAY.

Worst Episode of Season 4: Britney 2.0. By far.

An example of Glee trying to do something for the fans rather than just doing the show the way they want. Used stupid Britney songs that no one cared about, it just made no sense, Brittany was a hot mess and we were forced to think about the Marley/Jake saga way too soon.

Least Favorite Performances:

This took a lot of time and thought. But these are my final decisions & I have no regrets:

#5. Bye Bye Bye/I Want it that way performed by Will and Finn. I am probably just being extra harsh because these are two of my favorite songs ever. But it was completely ruined and it could have been amazing. The awkward and out of sync puppet dancing, the evil stares, and slow motion fighting and then hugging. Just made no sense. Sounded jarring and alarming to the ear.

#4. Hung Up performed by Tina Cohen Chang. Don't even want to waste my energy typing about this so I will just paste what I wrote that week: Like come on now seriously. Tighten up, Tina. Stop letting your head bobble around like its about to detach. Miley Cyrus backup dancer. And this song??? Of all Madonna songs???

#3. Womanizer performed by Marley Rose and Unique. I will remember the awkward transition into this song until the day I die. This is before Marley had any presence when performing and Unique is just ze worst. Blugh.

2. Gangham Style performed by the New Directions. At Regionals. Enough Said.

#1 WORST PERFORMANCE EVER: Baby Got Back performed by the Adam's Apples. Nothing worse than people thinking they are clever. Shut the eff up.

MVP of Season 4: This was a close race, with Blaine pulling out another flawless season and with the introduction of a new Puckerman and redemption of Rachel B after she took her fake hair out. But fo sho this has to go to Samuel Trouty Mouth Evans. Only mistake he made was dating Brittany, but even that seemed to make sense in the end. And he was just hilarious, hot and quotable all season. Haters gonna hate.

Worst Character that needs to get the ax: Unique. GO. BYE. GET OUT.

Unanswered questions heading into next season:

1. Did Rachel get the role?

2. Will the Glee Club compete at Nationals?

3. Are Ryder and Unique going to date? Will Ryder come back to Glee Club?

4. Will Blaine and Kurt get engaged?

5. What is Finn doing now? Is Cory Monteith okay and coming back?

6. Is Mercedes staying in LA? And Puck too where is that fool?

7. Will Tina ever be on the show again? Does anyone care?

8. Is Sugar Motta going to be allowed to attend school regularly next year?

9. Is Sam going to graduate? What is he doing next year?

10. Where is Blaine going to college?

11. Will Becky ever tell the truth and get Sue her job back?

12. Neck Brace girl. Who? What? Where? When? Why? and How? 

That's all folks! Thanks for reading all the way down to the very last lines... hopefully next season I will have a social life and will not have time to share my deepest, inner-most thoughts and analysis about a fictional musical tv show revolved around high-schoolers and their white people problems... but let's be serious I'm sure I will be back at it for season 5! Here's hoping that all the good people come back and when I say good people I mean Sandy Ryerson. Zendaya would be a great addition. Or what about Selena Gomez? JLo! Okay now I'm just naming Latina pop singers. We would do anything for SELENAS!

Seacrest Out. Gleekin Out.

#HaveNone of the Lights: Bourree Monster Strikes Again

The power is out! Hasn't this school been through enough?? The humanity!

Yes, Glee created an episode on the premise that the lights went out so everyone has to cope with that musically... take a moment to digest it and move on. Let's assume that the darkness and lack of electricity was a metaphor for baring your soul and being innovative in music without the bells and whistle. Assume that was the point of this ridiculously- themed ep and let's go.

If all of you have been racking your brain asking yourself  "Is Ryder an idiot?" the answer is yes. Yes he is.  He still doesn't know who the catfish is.. even though he knows it is someone in Glee Club (or is it?) and yet he is STILL continuing to carry on a catfishian relationship with this person. Ummm, hey Ryder- why don't you just stand up in front of the club and say HEY GUYS WHO THE FUCK IS CATFISHING ME RIGHT NOW. OUT WITH IT. Instead he is just making himself look like more and more of a certified idiot by not finding out, and by telling all of his secrets at awkward times for no reason.

And his secrets did come out this episode, but let's rewind and work our way up to that incredibly awkward confession.

The lights went out, so Mr. Shue made everyone sing acoustic songs. Woooooo shutup. Trouty Mouth sang first and then randomly got in a tizzy about the merits of being able to function as an Amish (you were conceived to that depressing ass song??) and I cannot see anything that anyone is doing on the screen because THE LIGHTS ARE OUT AND IT IS DARK. So basically we hear and not see the following things unfold:

Ryder wants to find out who the catfish is, so he devises a sneaky plan to reveal his deepest darkest secret so that he can see the look on his glee club members faces, because the person who is NOT surprised would expose themselves as the catfish since they already know his deepest, darkest secret. Some of the best logic I have ever seen on Glee. So he sings a depressing song with full orchestration (thank God, Mr. Shue, I don't know what we would have done without that full orchestration) about everybody hurting, which seems like it now could to apply to everyone getting slushied. What... I thought they were popular now that they won Nationals, but apparently not- they are still Nerd Fergusons and everybody hurts. For a second I thought that his deep dark secret was that he was the one behind the slushy-ing for the last 3 years or that he was on this secret show before high school called The Glee Project Season 2 but it turns that he was molested by his 16 year old babysitter as a child. LOUDER.

Ok by the way during this episode everyone was doing a lot of texting, which I'm surprised I even noticed since the screen was PITCH BLACK but the biggest texters were def Kitty Kat and Artie so they are my front-runners for Catfish of the Year.

So back to Awkward City, Ryder was molested, but his male friends don't think it was so bad because his babysitter was a girl and he basically was getting acting as an 11-year old so he should be proud. (We should have known that this Glee Club doesn't think much of child molestation because of all of the Michael Jackson worship. ZING.) Overall, this was just so uncomfortable and awkward. This kid Ryder has some issues. Mainly because he chose to tell everyone in his extracurricular activity about the child molestation, but also because his decision to tell everyone was based on the premise that this would help him figure out who the catfish was which failed miserably because UMMM IT'S DARK AS FUCK THE LIGHTS ARE OUT GENIUS so he couldn't see anyone's reaction. hahahahaah as I wrote that I just cracked up laughing THIS SHOW IS BONKERS YALL and I love it.

All the while, Kitty is looking at Ryder with some crazy eyes, and it turns out that she has also been molested, so they go on a date and bond and it is actually pretty sweet in an icky and depressing way. I'm not opposed to this combo. (Puck broke up with her apparently. Kitty, that is no reason to tell lies; Puck is beautiful and always will be so bite your tongue.) But THEN later when Kitty tries to take Ryder out to Subway (awwwwwww) he ditches her so he can spend more time catfishing on the interweb. So if you are here trying to figure out this mystery with me, it would seem as though Kitty is NOT the catfish because he was "pinging" Cattyfish almost the exact same time he was talking to Kitty. But then it also could be plausible that she IS the catfish and is just a really fast texter and the reason she is getting so upset is that she doesn't know how to tell Ryder that she is the Fish of Cats. Either way, it seems as though Kitty really likes Ryder, and he is just confused about life so I'm sure by the next two episodes all will be revealed and we can finally get some closure on this awkward situation that has taken place at McKinley High. What if they carried this mystery out until Season 5 I think I would throw myself in a lake.

***UNNECESSARY BUT YET COMPLETELY SATISYING PLOT ALERT***

Artie got inspired by both Sam's Amish lifestyle and the sweet sound of a crunching water bottle and got everyone to perform "We Will Rock You" with household items which was COMPLETELY stupid until Jake the Snake decided to tap dance and turn and make it all worth it!

In completely unrelated and unimportant news: Sue is no longer a teacher or cheerleading coach, she is an aerobics instructor for a sexually charged group of twenty-somethings and Blaine. Coach Roz and Becky Buckwild are not getting along, mostly because NeNe thinks Becky is Sue's full grown baby child teenager, and Becky makes fart noises everytime NeNe blinks. I am too tired and burnt out to even try to understand that aerobics class, or why anything is happening with these characters so I am just going to erase it from my memory, only to be reminded of it again in about 5 minutes when I re-read this blog several times.

And in this week's daily dose of NY life in 5 points.

1. Rachel and Kurt have an intervention with Santana because she has become a cage dancer and is not using her talent to the fullest. "You are the most talented person I know, obviously with the exception of me and Kurt." TDODO.

2. Izzy (SJP) is still's Kurt's boss and she invited him and his friends to come work VIP aka sing on stage at the NYC Ballet Gala.

3. Burt Hummel is doing better- thanks for the update Glee.

4. Apparently, Rachel, Kurt and Santana were all transformed in their younger years by taking ballet class. All 3 of your teachers should be fired and punished for the dancers that you turned out to be. And now Santana loves to dance. And looks amazing and just like CeCe from New Girl.

5. Santana and Izzy aka SJP were up on stage talking shit about their parents. Disrespectful. Kurt and Rachel had supportive parents so they will have none of that.

That's all folks.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B

There was just like no point for half of the shit that transpired and I couldn't see half of what was going on because you know, the lights were out.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: The Longest Time performed by the New Directions. Saved the musical performances thank God. Also Mr. Shue snaps weird.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Little Girls performed by Sue Sylvestor. I will never get back those 3 minutes.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: By far Jake tap dancing and doing 13 turns in a row. I rewound and repeated several times. FINALLY!

Least favorite moment of the Episode: Sue doing everything that she did. Mainly singing that damn song. Although I do know what it feels like to have your life controlled by little girls what up #AUDTREPRESENT

Other thoughts:

-Why does Glee promote scenes that aren't even in the episode like the one of Blaine trying to get the truth out of Becky Buckwild?

-Brittany took the week off to go get impregnated

-Sugar hasn't been in an episode in like a year and a half

-How are we supposed to believe that Sam Evans knows who Phil Spector is?

-Jessica Sanchez yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

-Sam should never be serious again

-My favorite quote of the night: (Yours truly as I was taking notes): "Wtf is this the land of idiots" -Rachel Southall

-Figgins always coming with the classic lines: "Your brains are to remain in the on position"

-Tina holding it down with her 1 line per episode. She is graduating in 2 episodes are they going to try to make it seem like she will be missed

-I can't beleive they mentioned Artie singing a Miguel song but didn't pull the trigger!

Glist:

1. Jake (snaps)

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Kitty

6. Rachel

7. Santana

8. Coach Roz

9. Artie

10. SJP

Next Week's Episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPMtR8GzOkE

Very Confused that a tribute episode is the 2nd to last one of the season. Looks like Kurt and Mersizzle are back and that Blaine is going to propose. And Kate Hudson. (meh) This episode could be great, horrible, or average, or any other adjective you can think of

In American Idols news:

Mariah Carey must go. Keith Urban is a little ladybug (in a great way) and Nicki Minaj actually makes sense and looks amazing.

My favorites:

1. Amber

2. Angie

3. Candice

4. Kree

Kreedom needs to get out of there! She looks so bored and scared. Angie is #inittowinit as they say so I believe the top 2 will be Angie and Candice.

Amber should win because she is the most believable as a real artist but Angie is really getting me week after week so we shall see!

Also, why isn't Jimmy Iovine a judge???? Maybe they told him he would have to take off that backwards cap and he was like NO DEAL.

#seacrestout

#TakeAShotForGlee: Alone in the world with a little Catfish. Dreamzzz

OKAY PEOPLE CALM DOWN, RACHEL’S GLEE BLOG IS BACK IN ACTION.

I didn’t blog last week because I was doing something way more important than blogging about a fictional musical comedy. Hard to believe I know.

So where were we? Ah, yes. Repeating storylines about fat cats and dreaming… can’t wait!

We will start off with: Brittany is still an idiot. She thought the world was coming to an end again- didn’t we already do that like FOUR episodes ago? (Swan Song?) And so Mr. Shue played along with this idiotic idea and assigned the “last-chance song” as the theme of the week. Eye Roll. 

All the while, normal Ryder turned green and tore through all his clothing and became the psychotic Ryder when he finally tried to meet his secret internet love boo. Basically he saw the girl who he thought was his lova and sang her a completely unnecessary lullaby.  But it turns out that his myspace mama was just using the picture of the blonde girl Yolanda or whatever, so Ryder is DEFINITELY GETTING CATFISHED YALL. But in typical Glee fashion, we have no new information we don’t feel that. Who. In the hell. IS THE CATFISH??!!??!?!? I’m so confused. Not Sugar or Jesus because they don’t come to school anymore. Marley, Jake and Kitty all said it wasn’t them. Brittany and Tina were not in the choir room. I thought that Unique was already ruled out because her ringtone is Bootylicious and when Riley dialed the CatFish the ringtone was definitely like RING RING RING. So who do we have left? Artie, Sam, Blaine? Coach Beiste? I still think it could be Marley- that would actually make sense. I’m sure this will either never get resolved or it will end up being Unique because my life is destined for disappointments. (Just kidding my life is a breeze!)

Soooo yeah props to Glee for slipping in the title “Shooting Star” without me realizing that there was going to be a school shooting. Oh maybe because no one really actually shot anyone… BUT NONETHELESS shit got real and real scary and Maggie, Brittany and I all held our breath for a good 12 minutes.

Shots fired! In McKinley. The kids in the choir room hit the deck and screamed and cried.

Best cryers of the group were definitely Blaine and Kitty Kat. Mr. Shue had basically no control over his classroom and gave stupid advice about tweeting and had there been an actual shooter on the loose, Trouty Mouth would have gotten everyone killed trying to save his girl, Brittany. She was in the bathroom looking scared as shit the whole time. That moment of her in the bathroom… I mean I’m normally a Brittany hater but that was AMAZING. Accascuseme. Well done Heather Morris you were probz thinking about your unborn child in your stomach with your pregnant self! Scandalous. Also, Artie started an impromptu video time capsule in which Jake shouted out Puck, which was unintentionally hilarious.  I was sure in my mind that Artie was going to get shot and it would have created a reverse Jimmy Brooks, enabling him to walk again!

Anyway, everyone was saved and it turns out that we were not ever really in too much danger. Becky was scared and brought a gun to school… LOUDER but then she dropped it and the gun went off. Sue took the rap for her and got FIRRRRRRED. Fired. Ya Fired. Several problems. Clearly Becky brought the gun to the school for a reason. Don’t know if she was planning on shooting someone, lesbihonest it was probably going to be Mr. Shue because really who doesn’t want to shoot him? So now she is still allowed to come to school...come on Sue, that is beyond dumb to just take yourself out of the situation when she is clearly having such a troubled time. I get that Sue is trying to protect Becky and also the public perception of kids with disablities but now we got Becky Buckwild roaming around school throwing accordions and that ain’t safe!  I’m sure the truth will come out but we shall see… 

Overall, I liked the shooting premise and I thought it was PERFECTLY ACTED which is always a stretch for Glee. When Blaine was worried about Tina my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. AND KITTY KAT FOREAL THOUGH?? You are da bomb. 

RANDOM THING HAPPENING ALERT:

Coach Shannon Beiste, realizing that she may die soon, boils pasta in a hot tub and professes her love to Will Shuester.  So uncomfortable. Especially since apparently WEMMA is back on! But I’m guessing Emma is still not back at work because Will was none too concerned about her during the shooting. She has taken like 2 months off of work at this point. Anyway, Shue shut Bieste down and then got her into online dating, because CLEARLY that is working out so great for our young Ryder. The ONLY good thing about this random thing happening is that we got to see Ken Tanaka’s gorgeous mug on a computer screen. Ken Tanaka lives! Acafellas reunion!

So I guess the point of the entire episode was that you don’t know when ur last day is going to be (death via meteorite/shot to death) so appreciate everyone while they are there. Is it bad that I kind of wish that the shooter was real and that it was the piano guy?
***
So then a week goes by and everyone is still pretty shaken up by the shooting. Sam Evans is coping with his PTSD by inventing a fake twin named Evan Evans and that’s all anyone really needs to know about the episode because it is the best thing Glee has done since the nickname “Trouty Mouth”. But I guess I’ll continue.

Since the Glee Club made it to Regionals on a technicality, they must start preparing for competition ASAP. The theme for Regionals is DREAMS which like WHAT didn’t we already do this theme season 1?? I specifically remember doing about 5 dreams-themed songs in the past but sure why not let’s go another round.

Shue’s got a boot up his ass and is hating on everyone but you know what- rightfully so. His glee club is a whiny bunch of bitches these days. Marley is so sad because she wrote some ORIGINAL MUSIC ****ORIGINAL MUSIC ALERT TAKE COVER HIDE YOUR WIFE HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE**** and no one wants to hear about a fat mom.  Tina has a new style… is that really written in this show? And Unique wants boobs. I think Mr. Shue spoke for all of us when he proclaimed “Unique, you need to tone it down with the whole boob thing.”

Across the interstate at Lima University (sounds like a fine institution) Finn and Puck have kind of sort of enrolled and it’s SPRING BREAK FOREVER. (Spring Breakers joke.. you wouldn't get it) I will try not to harp on this too much but it is sooooooo uncomfortable watching Finn/Cory Monteith partying since he has checked into rehab. So uncomfortable. Poor guy. I hope he is getting better. Now back to hating on his character.

Finn wears a wife beater too often and he is slacking off and not doing right by his sociology prof! Shue and Puck finally sit him down and knock some sense into him so that one day he can become a good teacher. So Finn and Mr. Shue finally bury the hatchet after the whole Finn kissing Emma thing and now Finn is GETTING COLLEGE CREDIT FOR BEING THE ASSISTANT GLEE CLUB COACH. What will happen with the frat that Finn and Puck joined with no hazing?  Such boners.  Click that link if you want to have the best read of your life.

Since Shue and Finn made up, Shue decides to let Marley do her rainbow and lollipop original songs, so here we go again. Marley, Sam, Blaine and Unique stand around in a circle and read music perfectly (when did they learn to do that? I thought they were all just street rats.) My first thought was does this song even rhyme? Second thought was these lyrics are going to uplift me on a day when I have low self-esteem and damn Glee’s got me again! But then they sang another song in the end about being an outcast and let me just put it out there that if “sticks and stone will break these bones” are in your lyrics you need to stop the performance immediately and go back to the drawing board.

OH YES AND NENE (Coach Roz) IS BACK!! The only plot-moving purpose that could possibly exist for her return could be that she will get Becky to admit the truth about the gun. But in the meantime she is just hilarious and the dark-sided fruity voodoo hex talk was so hilarious as was the blood oath taken by suspicious Cheerios captains Blaine Warbler and Becky Buckwild. <3NeNe&Kim4Ever

Last thing: Rachel Barbara Berry auditioned for Funny Girl in NY. She has apparently “sworn off men” riiiiiight and is standing around the piano staring lovingly into her mother’s eyes waiting for a pop song to start. But anyway, following Finn’s advice, Rachel decided to audition with a song that was near and dear to her heart, so she sang “Don’t Stop Believin” accompanied by the original New Directions. RREEEEEEEMMMMMIXXXXX. Of course I cried! Do you know who I am!?!?!? And she got a call-back! Go girl

So yeah that was a lot of rambling. ARE YOU SATISFIED PEOPLE??? #canilive

Overall Grade for Shooting Star: A

Overall Grade for Dreams: B+ Lack of creative episode title gets it graded down

Favorite moments of the episodes

Sam Freaking Evans doing his thang and Nene making them repeat that blood oath

Least Favorite Moment of the Episodes

Finn being an asswipe of epic proportions and Ryder’s Dilemma. It just hurts. 

Favorite Performance of the Episodes: Don’t Stop Beliebin performed by Rachel obvi and Next to me performed by Rachel and Shelby Corcoran. Rachel sounded perfect. You really brought Shelby back though for 1 second though.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episodes: Fight for your Right to Party. This performance was so low in my eyes that is beat out 2 original songs. I just never got the Beastie Boys. Too much white boy yelling. 

Glist:

1.     Sam

2.     Blaine

3.     Rachel

4.     Kitty

5.     Artie

6.     Puck

7.     Coach Roz

8.     Jake

9.     Ryder

10.  Kurt

Other thoughts:

-Can we get to freaking regional’s already???? Yalls timeline is way off
-Glee is coming back for 2 more seasons! That means maybe we will finally find out what happened to Sandy Ryerson and April Rhodes

-Blaine as honorary Rachel #hellzyea

Next week’s episode

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwfrLqch-H8

SJP is back for no good reason I’m sure. When the lights go out… please let them sing that

Gleezy Breezy Beautiful: #PuckYoGuiltyPleasures

Bonjorno. (I hope everyone gets that title or else I'm just insane)

The theme of this week's blog is THINGS I DON'T GET ABOUT THIS WORLD.

#1 I don't get guilty pleasures.

I JUST DON'T GET IT! I mean, I guess I get guilty pleasures in things like food. Clearly you feel guilty after eating 5 cookies but it was pleasurable to do so. And anything like shopping, drinking, BOMOing, etc. But I do not get "Guilty Pleasure Songs." Music ain't never hurt nobody! Or made you fat, or made you unhealthy, or made you broke. Why would you ever feel guilty about liking a song? I'm trying to think if I have ever been embarrassed to like a song or artist...I can't think of an example. I still sleep with a Hannah Montana alarm clock and the first CD I ever owned was Sisqo. Do people find that embarrassing, because I find it hilarious- thus why I do not get the theme of Glee Club this week.

That being said, I loved that the kids were free of Shue and Finn this week (Mr Flu has the Shue and Finn went to college!??!?! Yeah he just registered in March it makes perfect sense). The kids were probably all thinking "I am so tired of these grown men crying over everything- let's inject Mr. Shue with a strain of the flu and tell Finn that he got accepted into the South Harmon Institute of Technology. Free at last!"

So anyway, after Blaine discovered Sam's macaroni art... yeah you read that right, Sam decided that revealing his guilty pleasure was such a bonding experience that it would be beneficial for the whole Glee Club should do the same. All the while Blaine is undressing Sam with his eyes (totally get that.)

This leads me to my second mystery of life: I do not get how the Glee writers let Chord Overstreet go for that period of time in Season 3.

SAM IS EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IS SAM. He kicked off the musical numbers with a BLAM BOW while everyone in the Glee Club danced around in front of black lights. I am too young and uninterested to know why Wham! is a "guilty pleasure". I honestly have no idea, but I do know that Jake and Marley's ending pose was so fetch.

In other Glee Club news, Brittany has decided to return to school for a few days to tell Kitty that she needs to change her evil ways. She brings her on Fondue for Two (always a great addition) to make her reveal her guilty pleasure on-air. After Kitty reveals that she likes to fart around old people (OK THAT IS DEFINITELY A GUILTY PLEASURE I GIVE YOU THAT, PSYCHO) and Brittany and Kitty get in a Bring It On movie-off, Kitty Kat reveals that her real guilty pleasure is liking the Spice Girls.

Two problems with this again: 

1. BRING IT ON IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. Could watch it every day of my life. Burr it's cold in here I said there must be some Torros in the atmosphere? You really think a white girl made that shit up?

2. WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO HIDE THEIR LOVE OF SPICE GIRLS? Why just this Tuesday, my good friend Patrisha and I texted the following:

Pat: Even Spice Girls will place higher on the list of best CDs of our lifetime. (this was in reference to my comment that B2K Pandemonium was on that list... I have since withdrawn that comment from the record)

Me: Which Spice Girls

Me: That is a fucking question for your ass

Pat: Spice. First album

Pat: Wannabe might be the #1 girl anthem

Pat: It brings together all nations, creeds, colors, ethnicities

Me: Hold on lemme look up the track lists

Me: God they are both so good. Cuz then you have Spice Up Your Life, Stop, Too Much, Never Give Up on the Good Times

Me: But I agree Spice is better

Pat: It was a close call and a toughie.

Point being, we are completely normal. Also, I find it annoying when people don't like popular music or artists just beacuse they are popular (Bieber), ridiculous (Ke$ha) or fun (T-pain? Whatever). Sometimes they are popular for a good reason, ever wanna investigate that?!!??! Just like what you like!

So yeah I'm happy they did the Spice Girls. For the record- Ginger was always the best and Kitty WERRRRKKKKED it out as Geri Halliwell! Marley did a great Posh and Brittany's stupid idiotic self did a great Sporty besides the part where Sporty was the best singer. Unique get ouutta here and most importantly SUGAR FREAKING MOTTA WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!? She would have been the best Baby Spice!! Sugar and Spice!?!? Damn you all.

Which brings me to the most infuriating point of this episode and a little segment that I like to refer to as "Marley is dead to me like the dog in that movie that I never saw but I assume he dies in the end."

Ok so Jake Puckerman wanted to do a Chris Brown song and the members of Glee Club were all UP IN ARMS because they have all decided to join a cult where they act self-righteous and hate on Breezy.

Ok so number 1, you are telling me I have to miss out on Jake performing a Chris Brown song... which would have been flawless, amazing and perfect.

Number 2, and brace yourself for the rant people, this is mostly directed at Ryan Murphy and sometimes I am the most annoying. Jake was absolutely right, he is allowed to separate the music from the person and like anyone he wants. And VALID freaking point that there are other artists Glee has done who have not had the cleanest track record. He mentioned, Whitney, Britney, and Rihanna but I'M SORRY YOU FAIL TO MENTION MICHAEL JACKSON!!! OMG. I do not get that ever!

People walk on egg shells when it comes to MJ and I don't get it. Why can't the earlier statement be true "separate music from the person." Why is it so blasphemous to know that Michael was amazing but also acknowledge that he allegedly molested young children!! If I have to sit through an episode dedicated to the man (Season 3: Michael)  aren't we allowed to have 1 single Jake Puckerman/Chris Brown interpretation? I get that Jacko was the greatest artist of all time, but if we are arguing that his personal life shouldn't affect people's love of his music then it should be fine put him on the TOP of the shady musician list the Glee clubbers rambled off. Tippy Tippy Top. ESPECIALLY if you are then going to throw out a completely ignorant statement like "You know Bobby Brown got Whitney Houston hooked on crack!" Bobby Brown did not hold a gun to her head and say "GET HOOKED ON CRACK OR ELSE!" Stop, Glee.  

Number 3, I love Chris Brown's music more than almost every other artist and I wish that Glee did a Chris Brown number. I fully acknowledge that Chris Brown (and Rihanna for that matter) is an absolute lunatic. He was also 19 years old when he beat up Rihanna. It is never okay that he did that, but for Glee to create a whole plot line around the fact that it is wrong to forgive that man is beyond me. And if you (Marley, Unique, etc) don't want to like Chris Brown music because of what he did then more power to ya! But you shouldn't have any say over what sweet beautiful Jake Puckerman likes or sings! I guess it is Ryan Murphy's right to make a statement against Chris Brown if that's how he feels but for once I will not kiss your feet oh powerful one! I hope BadGirlRiRi blasts everyone on Instagram.

Also, Marley is a baby bitch who likes Jessica Simpson.

Psycho alert! (That's me!) I'm done.

Awkward transition back to Blaine and Sam. Sam encouraged Blaine to reveal his TRUE guilty pleasure, which would be Sam himself, so Blaine took to the piano to give an absolutely FLAWLESS performance of "Take a Look at me Now". Shout out to Phil Collins and all of those involved in recording the Tarzan soundtrack. Sam knew the song was about him, and kind of did the same thing that Blaine did with Tina by saying "Yeah, why wouldn't you be obsessed with me, but we can still be friends." And they hugged it out. Verdict is still out on whether Blaine is still obsessed.

Short NY Update:

HEAVEN KNOWS IF THEY'LL SURVIVE THIS SINGLE LADY KIND OF LIFE

Brody broke up with Rachel without explanation, Kurt is wearing shorts and sleeping with a man-size doll, and Santana is stirring it up. I cannot get over how much I love this roomie dynamic! When Santana and Rachel pranked Kurt I was full of GLEE! And didn't Kurt do such a great job looking tired??

So as we expected, Santana spilled the beans to Rachel about Brody being a Nick Cannon aka Gigolo. This led to Rachel confronting Brody and a lot of tears. (I wonder if this was what Lea Michele was referring to when she tweeted she had to cry a lot one day. I hope not, that wasn't enough crying for my taste.) After realizing that Brody was mostly a rebound and bounce pass, they broke up for good. I also don't get how anyone could still like Finn at this juncture, but okay. And then Rachel and Brody ran around and sang in slow motion.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A-

Despite Jake not sticking to his guns, I thought it was a really great and hilarious episode!

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Mamma Mia performed by Erbody. This was epic!! I hope this inspires Rachel, Kurt and Santana to sing trios in their apt more often! And the Glee Club was hilarious- it was fun, outfits were awesome, song was awesome.

Other Flawless Performances:

-My Prerogative performed by Jake

-Take a look at me now performed by Blaine

-Creep performed by Rachel and Brody

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: CopaCabana performed by Sam and New Directions. Just couldn't stop thinking about Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke so I couldn't even get into it.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: "This is who I am and I make no apologies" -Sam. "Santana, you're a bitch, they're mine." -Kurt

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: The Chris Brown/Bobby Brown parts. Shuddddup.  

Other Thoughts:

-Where is Tuiasosopo aka Ryder's fake girlfriend

- I feel like Brittany and Kitty we really laughing about the Bring it On references!

-Brit doing kartwheels in a row for no reason #Classicpeg

-I wish people would bring "Nunya" back

-Hummelcide = Genius

-Rachel looks amazing- thank God we are past that horrible slut phase!

-Is Emma still taking off work?? People need to get into college!

Glist:

1. Sam- taking the #1 and #2 spot because it is only right

2. Sam

3. Santana

4. Rachel

5. Jake

6. Kurt

7. Blaine

8. Kitty Kat

9. Ryder

-100. Marley

Next Week's Episode:

WE HAVE TO WAIT 3 MORE WEEKS! I see Ryder with a blonde girl in the preview! I will be at Nationals then so ain't nobody got time for Glee!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9xQ7Xxfcy8

American Idol:

JIMMY IOVINE IS THE REALNESS, SCREW EVERYONE ELSE. LAZARO MUST GO.

Favorites List:

1. Amber

2. Burnell

3. Angie

4. Kree

5. Candice

6. Devin

7. Janelle

8. Lazaro this was a mistake

Thank Heaven for Keith Urban.

One more thing:  Justin's new album is FANFREAKINTASTIC.

BowDownBitches.