It's Ya Wedding So You Know Glee Bout to Wile i i Out. Happy Friggin_Val-entines Day.

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Amazing episode. I knew Glee had a reason for all of its bullshit! It all came together so brilliantly in this week's VDAY/Wedding Episode. It was freaking perfect all the way.

Last week Finn kissed Emma and so this week Finn was thinking "I'm a dumbass idiot" (which he is) and Emma was still stressing the fuck out about planning and her fiance's best man smooching her. (I personally can't wait to plan my wedding seating chart, it's like picking seating at the Grammy's. Gotta make sure T Swizzle and John Mayer sit as close as possible for maximum drama!) Mr. Shue wasn't really helping ole Emma out... and it's a bit concerning that he would rather spend time yelling "ha HA!" with his Glee Club than calming down his obviously hysterical bride-to-be. But hey, Emma knew what she was getting herself into the day she met this man. He loves his glee club what can you do??

Meet me at the altar in your conservative white dress, we ain't gettin no better at being teachers so we might as well do it.

But Emma is just a hot mess! Her OCD and bird lady tendencies are getting the best of her and after a maniacal duet with opera-singing Shue and 'Cedes, she FLEES THE SCENE like a robber in the night!! Run away from me baby, run away. Yeah she pulled a Mr. Big but she didn't try to come back. Gosh I wish Emma came back so Mr. Shue could have beaten her with some flowersand Puck could have pointed his finger sternly, saying "NO." Damn missed opportunities to recreate a classic!

But kudos to Glee, because we know now that completing the mission at Ginger Wedding Convention was never the plan, the plan was to get all of the kids together for a Valentine's Day party in semi-formal attire! The following kids are out with the Asian Bird Flu: Kitty, Sugar, Unique, Joe- they not outchea. Which just means Glee didn't have enough money to pay the whole cast this week.

But the new kids that remained were fucking great. Marley and Jake are dating ya know, and for VDay Marley got Jake cufflinks made from a TYPEWRITER?? wtf how does that work. Maybe I don't understand what a cufflink is, or maybe I don't understand what a typewriter is. And we are starting to see that maybe Jake isn't all he is cracked up to be because he forgot to get Marley anything for Valentine's Day and is considering taking weirdly dressed Puck's advice to use her eating disorder as a way to save money on a date and see a skinny girl in lingerie. Luckily, Ryder Strong is there to be a good friend and give Jake advice on how to rock Marley's Vday socks followed by very solemn glances of longing. So Ryder helps Jake KILL IT, and Marley eats it up. Then at the Ginger Convention, Jake decides he wants to try to take it to the next level (meaning sex), but both Marley and Ryder agrees that she isn't ready. Marley then figures out that Ryder was behind all of the VDay sweetness, and when she goes to thank him, Ryder does what any best friend would do and professes his love and kisses her! Sneak attack! My thoughts on this love triangle:

- It is grool. There is no better shape than a triangle.

- It is even grooler because Marley is about to actually be faced with a dilemma. Jake is perfect in every way and clearly loves her, but also, Ryder is perfect in every way and loves her. I have no idea who she will choose and I hope it gets hella dramatic yo!

Moving on to more triangular patterns with the old kids. There were so many I feel I can't even attempt paragraph form right now.

- Blaine and Kurt and Tina and Adams Apple

- Rachel and Finn and Brody

- Sam and Brittany and Santana and Quinn

- Artie and Ali and Sugar??? YES WHERE WAS SUGAR PEOPLE?

But before I start that, one more thing about the non-kids. Sue was genius in this episode. It's been a while since she has been genius and it was a welcome return to brilliance! The walking down the aisle was epic, as was the line about the stripped down version of "I Will Survive." My meeting Jane Lynch must have finally rubbed off on her. (by meeting I mean seeing at close range.)

So we catch up with Blaine and Kurt making out in the back of a car!! LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK FRAT TO ME!!! They are all over each other and cute at the wedding, but Kurt is trying to play it cool. Boy I know you want me I can see it in your eyes! Also in someone's eye is a look of straight psychopathic terror and that someone is Ms. Tina Cohen Chang. Yeah Tina went off on Kurt and admitted that she vapor raped Blaine and then Kurt called her a hag and Klaine decided to help Tina get a new bf. OK WTF Mike Chang was right there lookin scrumpcious!! Tina, come on ride the train. 

Also, Santana and Quinn were each other's dates commiserating over bad luck in love and how hot they both are. And then everybody in the club gettin tipsy and all of a sudden we've got ourselves a hot lesbian hookup!! Even this was great and kind of awesome, I just don't want Santana to fall in love with her. For a bad ass, Santana sho nuff is a needy bitch.

Freakin Aly (Ali) from the Glee Project 2 rolled up in there overacting as much as ever to be Artie's new love interest. She did an okay job considering her tendency to make horrific facial expressions. And Artie put it down! In a nerdy way. I'm sure Maggie Klee was foaming at the mouth.

Now to the most important couple of the century, FINCHEL. Rachel arrived to the wedding sans Brody because they want to keep it casual and apparently he is some kind of hooker or drug dealer. So Rachel and Finn naturally had to sing a duet together since Finn was so narvous about kissing Emma and all and Rachel was freshly spray tanned for the occasion. There was a lot of flirting and a lot of a tension now that Finn has been dieting, and I loved it all! Finn finally broke it down for Rachel- no matter what happens in between, we will be together in the end. SO FETCH. And then they sang a perfect duet and oh did I mention they got it on? Yeah they did man! And so did Blaine and Kurt, Santana and Quinn and Artie and Aly.

At the end of it all, we are left with a few parting thoughts. Here they are, spelled out in list form for you:

1. Aly and Artie are about to start dating. Bitch didn't win. Get Aylin in here.

2. Mr. Shue is still without his boo, has no idea where she is. Going to work with Finny Bear to find her and win her back.

3. Quinn is still straight but willing to go another round?

4. Rachel loves Finn. Finn loves Rachel.

5. Kurt and Blaine are still not together but it's looking better for them. And Tina seems to be over Blaine.

6. Marley and Jake are still in love and Ryder is still sulking in the background.

7. Rachel is pregnant!?!?!?!? There is no way her small body can carry that baby to term. Do I smell an abortion episode in the near future? Hot Button Issue #504.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A+++ BEST EPISODE EVER. EVER. EVER. Maybe not ever but definitely of the season.

Favorite Performances of the Episode: ALL OF THESE WERE SO GROOL SO I WILL GIVE THEM ALL THEIR PROPS AS SUCH:

#3 You're All I Need To Get By performed by Jake and Marley. Hearts and pink and beautiful voices and happiness. I want to be Marley.

#2 We've Got Tonight performed by Rachel and Finn featuring everyone else. SO FREAKING GROOL. We've Got Tonight to have sex in a hotel room.

#1 Just Can't Get Enough performed by Kurt and Blaine. Can't go wrong with a Klaine duet. And the freaking reception dancing was on point

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Getting Married Today performed by Will, Emma and Mercedes. It wasn't bad, Emma actually did a really grool job but it just alarmed me for a good portion of it and Will singing like he is on Broadway is never good.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Either Sue walking down the aisle or Brittany and Sam dancing hilariously at the reception.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: "She loves me, she loves me not" lines. Finn you are a wanksta and you need to stop frontin.

Other Thoughts

- When I saw Mercedes I realized that I have missed her. Is that how I'm going to feel about Tina when she graduates?? Doubtful.

- I never saw Mr. Shue in DC once so I think someone needs to double check his story

- Puck and Kitty are dating now. This could work. Except she is a SOPHOMORE! I thought he liked cougars?

- Becky as the flower girl

- Why is Mr. Shue's class learning about the history of the bald eagle?

- Everytime I hear "Anything Could Happen" I only picture 5th Harmony with those big ass bows on their heads

- Of course Rachel's short ass caught the bouquet because that is plausible

- If you want to cry today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tXAg5XdK8ac

Glist:

1. Sam. He had no lines in this episode but his reception dancing said it all

2. Ryder

3. Rachel

4. Blaine

5. Kurt

6. Jake

7. Emma

8. Sue

9. Mike Chang

10. Artie

Next New Episode:

Tres semanas??? Are you joking? Vamos al cine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSePfqwO-WE

I'll never let go, Jack. Unless my hand gets cold & then I'm out

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These are the breaks... break it up break it up break it up BREAK DOWN!

Finally, after years of glorifying long-term teenage romances, Glee has come to their senses and finally made an episode that exposes the harsh reality of what happens after the snow falls in New Haven: Face it- post-honeymoon phase, most relationships SUCK and everyone should just BREAK UP!

Haha, no I'm just kidding, I'm sure some relationships are great (yeah right). But as someone who is SAF (or "single as a dollar bill" as my friend Pattle called me yesterday) all I have to say is: Leggo, Single girl swag, Imma do me, it's called a breakup not a breakdown, If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it, All my single ladies, and to the left to the left!

I will now give a single person's verdict of these break-up scenarios, because clearly I am the most qualified to analyze others' relationships. Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys.

If he doesn't call you for 4 months, he's just not that into you: A Finchel Story

Dun Dun Dun awk awk city bitch. Ah, it seems like only yesterday when Rachel and Finn were sharing their first awkward kiss in the auditorium... fast forward a few years, and it turns out the F in Finn stands for FAILURE, as that is what Finny Bear has become after pulling a Plaxico, being discharged from the army and "back-packing across Georgia." WTF does that even entail? Are you staying at Holiday Inns, eating at country diners and hanging with NeNe and Kim? Rough life, son. F also stands for FAVE SHIRT as Finn loves his baby blue Rugby shirt. Apparently during those 4 months by himself, he ran into a wise Samaurai who taught him the art of "popping up", or just showing up at your girlfriends apartment like nothing's wrong, and he did just that. ("You gotta POP UP. Don't come in there like 'what the hell is this?!' You have to walk in like nothing happened like 'Hey, what's up just stopping by to say Hi! and pop UP!" - Lauren Boswell). And his pop-up totally worked! Rachel seemed so happy to turn her life back into the Finnberry Show; she even let him sit in on her pointless dance rehearsals. (Kate Hudson must have been out this week because she never would have allowed that!) But Finn's insecurities once again got the best of him, and Finchel was forced to face the real issues going on in their "relationship":

Issue 1: Rachel made out with Brody

Issue 2: Finn needs Rachel to make him feel "special", and he is bringing nothing to the table right now, he can't even sing it out!

Issue 3: Finn is jealous of Rachel's success

Issue 4: Rachel cannot be taken seriously with that hair

Issue 5: Finn is a little bitch

Hey Finn, why you mad?  You set Rachel free! You uttered one of the corniest words in the English dictionary and made her "surrender," so shut thee fuck up! If she makes out with someone else, it's because YOU BROKE UP WITH HER, and it's because she wants to... and she's just not that into you anymore! And clearly you are not that into her either, if you didn't call her for FOUR FREAKING MONTHS. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that you broke up with her in the first place, but don't just change your mind because you aren't doing so well! That's the equivalent of packing your bags and leaving your husband and then it's starts raining so you're like "honey can I move out tomorrow morning instead?" No.

Verdict: Both parties are guilty. Finn is guilty of being indecisive and weak, Rachel is guilty of having ridiculous hair. Break-up forreals and let's revisit this again at Christmas ok?

Klaine's Pain: Neglect, Betrayal and Poking aka Why Don't You Love Me? When I Make Myself So Easy to Love?

Remember when Kurt used to wear his hair in a swoop and just wanted to kiss a boy for the first time? Now he can barely make time for a two-minute conversation with the most perfect human being on Earth, and BOOM another favorite couple in on the rocks! Blaine is feeling low, because Kurt has no time for him, so he also decides to POP UP POP UP in New York. Kurt is happy to see him, but notices that Blaine seems a little down in the dumps, dramatic and criminally INSANE whilst singing Teenage Dream, Karoke version. It turns out, Blaine is sad because he feels guilty for CHEATING ON KURT! GASP! Louder!!! what up sexy? nm here jc. love, internet Eli. So we are all supposed to be mad at Blaine right? WRONG. Cheating is wrong yadda yadda yadda, but I fully blame Kurt and I don't care I don't care I don't care. Blaine was self-sabotaging, probably so he could get a chance to see if Kurt even cared about him anymore! Breaking my heart/give my heart a break! :-( I love Blaine, and Kurt needs to wake up, smell the hair gel, and realize his role in this whole thing. If you are going to promise to make this long-distance relationship work, you need to hold up your end!

Verdict: Both are guilty. Klaine is guilty only because poking is ew and he needs to have some more self-esteem. Kurt is sentenced to life in prison for not appreciating the wondrous and powerful Blaine Warbler. So Kurt, forgive Blaine and get your act together!

Brittana, You're a great cheerleader it's just.. maybe you're not "Boyfriend Material"

Wow, this was thrown up in there like we cared wasn't it? Unlike the other idiot couples, Satana and Brit are actually trying to make it work long-distance. Satana comes home every weekend to hang with her GF and go to freaky apocalypse meetings with her. (Santana, you are missing out on some great parties... but okay.) But still, Brittany is not feeling satisfied. Why you mad Brittany? Why are you crying Heathaaaa? Santana is just trying to get her education and flirty smile on! So after a bunch of blah blah blah and one well-sung but irrelevant "break-up song" from Santana, they decided to break it off. As Becky Jackson would say... BORRRRING. Can't you get into a girlfight or something?

Verdict: They are both not guilty. Just shut up and dance, Brittany- the dance floor is your new lover and you need to make up for lost time.

Wemma, Shuddddup and get married already. I need another Glee Wedding in my life. I speak for everyone when I say NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS.

Letters of concern to Jake and Marley:

Dear Marley, you are too boring to stand. Please step up your game to make me care about you more so that every scene of Grease doesn't make me wish that Tina Cohen Chang was cast as Sandy. Better yet, just call up Olivia Newton John, she still got it! Let's get ethical!

Dear Jake, don't date Marley- she is boring.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B++

Best episode ever made? Did I watch the wrong episode by mistake or something? Another attempt by Ryan Murphy to try to make fetch happen. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but don't throw around "Best Episode Ever" like it's nothing. I can name 15 episodes off the top of my head better than this one, just tweet me if you would like to hear them in order. The songs were ill-placed, I would have put Teenage Dream as the closing number with Blaine by himself, reminiscing on his relationship, instead it was just awkward and embarrasing for him. And Give your heart a break should have been a story song with Brody telling her to giver her heart a break! The words so clearly applied to the plot of the episode!

Favorite Performance of the Episode: They were all let-downs after I spoiled the song list for myself (I blame the Bookie girl). But I'll pick "Give your Heart a Break" performed by Brody and Rachel. Damn you Demi Lovato you created a monster and this song will never not sound good!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: They were all disappointing but they were also all slightly good. I'll say Don't Speak performed by Finchel and Klaine because it was overly dramatic and boring.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: When Kurt fan kicked off the fountain and sprinted away during the "Dont Speak" performance"

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Finn back at McKinley... just say no to drugs dude.

Glist

1. Brody- for keeping it classy dude.

2. Kitty - You would have been number one had you not blasphemed Barack Hussein Obama, I say his middle name because it matters

3. Dottie, where have you been? Cuz I never see you out. We've been left behiiiiiiiiiiiiind!

4. Blaine- stop being weak gleeotch

5. Santana - she's still got it!

6. Sugar Motta Lives

7. Sam - trouty mouth is the show now

8. Jake - still hot

9. Emma (good for you I guess)

10. Sandy Ryerson (thanks Maggie for bringing up his name, now I can't get him out of my head)

Rachel Berry- you're OUT! YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US until you get a hair cut.

Other thoughts:

Why is Rachel wearing full makeup and flashes to bed?

"Dude u totally spooked me" - Finn

Another Sugar Motta- less episode... not cool

What the heck is up with travel costs for these fools? They just go from Lima to New York to Lima like it's nothing

Has Coach Beiste been in this season?

When is Kitty gonna join the club??? I wonder what her voice sounds like? 

Is Carrie Bradshaw done with her guest role or what?

Next New Episode:

SAAAAAANDY oh SAAAAANDY. If they screw up Grease then I have no hope. Although I saw Brody running in slow motion again so it can't be but so bad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjwCE1Cms4c