Season 5!ve is on and poppin and I’m truly shocked that we made it this far. When
you see Gangham Style used
as a Glee Club competition number you gotta kinda feel like the end times are
near… and then with no more Finn, it is hard to believe that Glee can be Glee
again. I guess we’ll see if it was a good decision
to bring Glee back…I don’t know if Glee can ever really be happy again, I don’t
know if I can ever watch again without thinking of the actors and how they must
feel when they are pretending to be happy. But they are just trying to make us
feel better and make themselves get better. And I can’t even count how many
e-mails, messages and calls I have received this summer telling me that MY BLOG
is the glue that is keeping this whole world together so I will press on.
First two episodes
of the season are centered around “The Beatles” if that’s your real name. This
apparently has been in the works for two years and the scripts have been
written for years. Doubt that’s true, but if it is then hire me as a Glee
writer right now because I could have come up with that exact same script in a
few hours, back when I was 13 years old writing in a marble composition
notebook. Bitches gotta
start paying me for this. Can't get no more free Randy.
So let us catch up
with everyone shall we…kinda forgot how to write
a blog so this will be more blah blah than anything else… but as Destiny Hope Cyrus would
say “forget the haters cuz somebody loves ya.” (How soon until Glee tackles the
Miley Cyrus transformation as an adolescent issue and has Marley or Kitty slutting
around with a huge foam finger and tongue wagging?)
ANYWAYZ, in New
York, Rachel Barbara Berry is doing a read for her dream role in Funny Girl, so
basically just serving up her best Babs impersonation for da fans. But there
were some looks and some pauses so Rachel assumed it did not go to plan, and
this was confirmed when she overheard the casting dudes saying that she was too
young and green. So she thinks pensively while holding onto the Finn necklace
(dagger) and breaks out into the first Beatles song of the episode, “Yesterday”.
Okay. So I guess we can try to convince ourselves that she was so devastated
about not getting her dream Broadway role and that was the inspiration for the
song. But we all know that this song was really just Lea Michele singing about
Cory. Singing “why he had to go,” while walking on the bridge where Rachel and
Finn professed their love… just makes me want to sob. Like in no way, shape or
form does this relate to not getting the role. Probably the glee writers knew that they couldn’t
start this episode cheerfully, so the somber opening number went down and I
feel like I’m going to vomit, cry and eat tons of carbs within the first 5
minutes.
Onto happier times, Rache
and Santana are now waitresses at a song and dance diner, which I predict will
be Season 5’s version of Cassandra July’s dance studio in terms of impromptu
dance numbers that have no rhyme or reason. The Funny Girl casting director
shows up to the diner, Rachel sasses him and then shows him what he will be
missing by singing and dancing round the tables. Yeah, wasn’t that good, neither was this
whole plot line, but I don’t care and the fact that Lea Michele is not a broken
down doll curled up into a little ball of despair is so amazing and inspiring
so I’m just happy that she at least had a day to freaking be with her friends
and dance and sing and that’s all im gonna say about the matter! Tribute
episode is gonna be brutal. Yikes.
So back at Mckinley…
It was good to see everyone back in the Glee Club dressed in rainbow colors and not giving a fuck that Brittany, Sugar and Teen Jesus no longer attend the school. We walk in on what seems to be an ongoing convo between Mr. Shue and the NDs talking bout the Beatleborgs and how doing their songs will help them on their GLEE CLUB DYNASTY- because apparently it is still spring 2013, no one has graduated, and Nationals are still some vague idea in the distance. Everyone except Kitty and Unique (a little on the black side) are into the Beatles so we do that Glee thing where we use song lyrics to help us come up with plot ideas.
It was good to see everyone back in the Glee Club dressed in rainbow colors and not giving a fuck that Brittany, Sugar and Teen Jesus no longer attend the school. We walk in on what seems to be an ongoing convo between Mr. Shue and the NDs talking bout the Beatleborgs and how doing their songs will help them on their GLEE CLUB DYNASTY- because apparently it is still spring 2013, no one has graduated, and Nationals are still some vague idea in the distance. Everyone except Kitty and Unique (a little on the black side) are into the Beatles so we do that Glee thing where we use song lyrics to help us come up with plot ideas.
Plot idea number one that I’m curious
to know if anyone in the globe cares about: Kitty Kat and Arthur becoming a couple. Artie starts rolling Kitty around in his wheelchair and they sing
a song about bumper cars at a carnival. (also PINK BEAR ALERT wtf is this
Breaking Bad connection everywhere I turn?!! Heisenberg about to pop up in Lima
yall!) Whilst at said carnival, Kitty is spotted by a mini-Santana Cheerio who
passive aggressively makes fun of Kitty for dating such a SUPER LOSER like
Artie. So the two of them become secret lovers for like 1 day. (OK EVERYONE PLEASE CLICK THAT LINK IF YOU WANNA
SEE DRIZZY READING ABOUT TINY TIM IN A BRITISH ACCENT.) It seems to be going
okay until Godzilla aka Rosy the Nosy Neighbor aka Tina Cohen Chang gets all up in their business and calls
Kitty out for being a bitch. Kitty apologizes and decides to make it facebook
official and still no one cares at all. Like not one care was given on this
shit. Next.
WRONG MESSAGE ALERT:
Because Tina is such a lonely, angry
bitch to everyone, all of the hottest guys pay attention to her by serenading
her (with the cutest Beatles tribute evaaa) and asking her to prom. Way to reward
negative behavior guys… gosh. And now Tina gets to go to prom with possibly the
best date of all time, Sam Evans. Although his hair looks horrible again
somebody come at him wit sum shearzzzz. (Prom next week.. eek!)
Next. Sue Sylvester.
So last time we saw Sue, she was
fired because of the “gun” that she “brought” to school, which “actually” had
been brought by “Becky Buckwild” aka the “Becretary” aka Rebecca
Black. Apparently Becky fessed up
and only faced a one-month suspension as a punishment. Riiiight. And in the
meantime, Sue went out of her way to get Principal Figgins fired by framing him
for all sorts of icky crimes against principaldom. So naturally, the
superintendent turned to the person that was just fired a month ago to become
the new principal. Makes perfect sense in the Glee world of logic. So Sue is principal, which sets up the NeNe
(hallelujah holla back) and Mr. Shue talking bout practice , because now they both have to win National Championships or Sue
will fire them. Seems fair. Also, Nene has been shopping at the Billy Dee Williams store for hair helmets for women
who couldn’t possibly be less blonde. Glee has REALLY used up the Sue as a
villain storyline, but they still couldn’t help but have her terrorize Janitor Figgins by kicking over a bucket of
slop for him to clean up. SUE COME ON MAN. Leave Figgins be! Why you gotta do
him like that?
So it’s safe to assume that this has
been a horrible year for Glee, but when we are down, there is one universal
anecdote to lighten the mood, and that is a surprise marriage proposal executed
via group song and dance. We all knew this was coming so this is how it played
out:
Kurt reluctantly agrees to
date Blaine again during their
picnic on the quad and they enter into a no-cheating contact, because if Bethenny and Jason Hoppy
can’t make it, how can any of us commoners stand a chance??? They break out into a Beatles song that I don’t know
because I have never listened to the Beatles as much as I know I should. Blaine
sounds flawless and I’m like BEEP BEEP BEEP WHOA WHOA WHOA AOOOOGA CUTE COUPLE
ALERT.
The natural next
step of course is for Blaine to immediately decide that he wants to take this 1
day old relationship to the next level by proposing to Kurt, and announces this
to the Glee Club because Mr. Shue has no control over his students and everyone
knows it. Blaine needs their HELP… soooo another Beatles song comes on. I can
only imagine how that session in the writer’s room went…
Okay guys.. so what Beatles song can we do
next? We need to get “Help” in there somehow. Okay let’s randomly pull a
character’s name out of a hat…Blaine it is! Now what could he need help with?
Hmmm let’s say he needs ‘help’ with the proposal so that global acceptance and
universal love can reign above all. I think he should just scream out the word
“Help” randomly and that will start the song. Done.
Help. Another dumb segue. Ok but it was cute and we got to see ole Bassy again!
And as you might
have guessed, the proposal was
perfect. Burt Hummel is back, and he is bound to be at the Heisenberg stage
where his cancer is in remission so he doesn’t have any reason to stay in the meth
cooking business except for his own foolish pride but he still has a good
relationship with his loving son so he drives him to the proposal. (Am I right
all my #breakingbad fans out there wooooo!) Kurt admitted he knew about the
surprise proposal, and Burt made some great points about marrying young, and
how he wishes he could have only 10 more minutes with his dead wife, which of
course in my mind equates to him meaning he wishes he could have 10 more
minutes with Cory Monteith. Sobbing commences right about… now. They pull up to Dalton Academy, and Santana, Mercedes and Rachel
B. are there waiting. And I’m just thinking…
thank you Glee, we need this… ALL WE NEED IS LOVE. And it’s on and poppin with
Vocal Adrenaline, the Deaf Academy and the Warblers, all trying to express to
Kurt how he should marry Blaine. Kurt looks absolutely horrified the entire time, I mean did JUST reluctantly agree to DATE
Blaine again. But come on Kurt, how could you not be all for engaging yourself to the
most perfect human being in existence – especially after that FUCKING SPEECH he
gave. And if my future husband doesn’t feel that way about me then Im out. Kurt said yes-
and I was choking/coughing on tears. Go Klaine.
Overall Grade for the Episode: B +
Blaine saved it. It
was fine but it was like a disjointed Beatles dream that didn’t make sense. But
not a bad dream just a mumbo jumbo of clouds, unicorns and bright yellow.
Fave performance of the episode: All You Need is Love performed by Blaine and his posse full o show choirs.
Fave performance of the episode: All You Need is Love performed by Blaine and his posse full o show choirs.
Least favorite performance of the episode: They were all so freaking good so it’s hard to pick a bad one but it’s hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a dog so I pick that one.
Favorite Moment of the Episode: Return of Trouty. And return of Coach Roz who
stole her Lexus off a used car lot.
Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Sue picking on Figgins- it ain’t right! His
receptionist is a saint you best treat her right!
Other Thoughts:
-Unique is bound to
be irrelevant
-They need to focus
on the hotties at hand aka Ryder, Jake and Marley
-So Brittany left
McKinley immediately to start MIT mid-semester… dat bish pregnant
-What if Kanye West
was in the Glee Club
-Kurt taking a long
break from classes I hope Whoopi doesn’t find out
-The mention of Mike
Chang’s name makes me want to pas de chat
-Kitty Kat is like
the first glee club member in history not to like breadstix
-Isn’t Jesse St.
James the coach of Vocal Adrenaline? Shoulda been there… another regret of 2013
-I’m so ready for
them to cover some Justin Timberlake and by them I mean JAKE PUCKERMAN
-Everyone seemed sad
though… #NWTS
Next Week’s Episode: Has the word TINA in the title. Brace Yourself
World. Guessing there is going to be great material for this blog…
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