Vurry Kitty Purry, Everybody Knows I’m a MotherMonster, #DancingWitMiley & Billy Joel Cyrus

Why are my Glee blogs so hard to write these dayzzzz? #forcingit  Would anyone care if I stopped writing?  Whatever I don’t care about you people, muhfuckaz neva luvd us.

If you are a fair weather Glee fan and haven’t caught up on this season yet, I don’t know what you are thinking bout.  This season is Gone with the Wind Fabulous and since I am so behind on my Glee blogs I am going to catch everyone up on the last 3 episodes whether you like it or not. If you are never going to watch then Beth what can I do? Just read along and pretend:

These 3 episodes were all inspired by/tributes to caucasian musicians…

Episode Numba 1 that I’m recapping: A Katy or a Gaga

Episode Number 2 dat I will also be summarizing: The End of Twerk

Last One: Movin’ Out, Billy Joel Tribute

So we kicked off post-Finn but pre- Nationals, because again it is around April 2013 and the flowers are in full bloom… So let’s just imagine you need to know what everyone’s been up to... in the most sensical, non-rambling, organized way possible.

Yeah right, this is stream of consciousness at its finest. HERE TIS!

1. Mr Shue and New Directions

Ok so ICYMI, Mr. Shue is the coach of the Glee Club, or the supervisor.. or the chaperone. Not sure of the nomenclature. So Shue revealed the Glee’s club main competitors for Nationals which was leaked through the Silk Road and their biggest threat this year is no longer Vocal Adrenaline but a group called Throat Explosion which has to be one of the best show choir names they have come up with so far. Much better than ‘New Directions’ come on now. Upon hearing this news, everyone freaked out, and Tina let out a blood curdling scream leaving us to assume that the blood on the leaves prom episode didn’t do much to calm her dramatics. The New Directions felt threatened by Throat Explosion because they embody their weirdo outcast thing...anyway Mr. Shue had one of his only good ideas of the series, and instructed everyone to embrace the wild and tame sides of life by dividing themselves into angels (KP) and devils (Gaga). The Gagas were: Jake, (anger problem, hips that never lie) Tina, (gothic stage, used to have a fake studder, and the blood all over her prom dress thing) Unique, (Gender bender inc.) and Kitty (uses a whip during performances). Katy Perrys for boring reasons are Marley, Ryder, Artie, Sam, and Blainnne who didn’t get nearly enough shine this episode. So the challenge is for each group to do a song by the opposite artist, you get it.

The next lesson that Mr. Shue decided to teach was about twerking of course because I called this shit months ago and I am Gleenon, Prophet of the 21^st Century. This became a Glee Club theme of the week because the New Directions need to “edge up their image” for Nationals.

…Twerking ain’t new, someone re-branded hump dancing in the year 2013 and Miley Cyrus made it an even bigger more annoying white girl thing. We were "twerking" at middle school dances the early 2000’s but we called it backing that ass up… people are always trying to make fetch happen aren’t they? SHUT UP WORLD, shut up Mr. Shue.

Sue also wanted Shue to shut up and swore to ban twerking, which made the Glee Club even more determined to BLUR THE LINES chicka chicka yeah and then Sue tried to get Mr. Shue fired, but to save his skin Mr. Shue made a presentation to the school board, including the head of the school board TED of I FUCKED TED Fame. Mr. Shue went through all of the dances that used to be forbidden and predicted that twerking would become something that we are all used to one day… let’s hope not. Am I a grumpy old grandma for wanting people to stop twerking… are you still reading this blog???? So many unanswered questions.

2. Sue

So thats brings us to Sue, who is back at it again, just being rude for fanfares sake. Overall she was annoyed by Glee Club, and worked with my girl Bre (Bad Bitch Alert) to wreak havoc.

Sue instructed Bre Bre to break up Jake and Marley, because being a good principal always involves meddling in 15 year old love lives.  I wrote down that Sue dropped a Drake reference… REMEMBER?  NOPE. Hold my phone.  She suspended the whole Glee Club for wearing freaky Perry/Gaga outfits but in traditional Glee fashion all was forgotten the next week.

Sue also organized a career fair, where she took the opportunity to highlight that there is no such thing as a career in the arts. TELL THAT TO DEREK HOUGH AM I RIGHT YALL. Angel sent down straight from heaven omg if I had one wish like Ray J it would be to dance with Derek Hough at my wedding.

Anyway, just like Kanye warned us, haters always trying to stifle the creative! Sue was only doing it because she was scared of her own dreams probably! Direct quote, add an autotune to it, Yeezus out. Ok moving on..

3. SAM EVANS

Sam tried to get with Penny the school nurse again, who confused Sam by telling him she had a musical dark side. Honestly this story was so stupid but Sam got to talk a lot and rant about True Jackson VP so it was so more than worth it. Penny was being a dumb bitch and tried to reject Sam but of course she fell prey to his trouty mouth. But is a school nurse allowed to date a student?

So after that was settled, Sam tried to figure out his future-  his options included applying for Hunter College, becoming a stripper, or a model. I think. He had an interview with Hunter College… okay I have this whole line by line recap of his dialogue over the last 3 episodes but I could never do it justice. GO BACK AND WATCH THESE EPISODES, SAM WAS SO TOP NOTCH. But seriously, why can guys go shirtless on the beach and chicks can't?

He then focuses on the modeling dream, oh by the way this is all in NEW YORK CITY YALL. Hanging with Kurt, Rachel, Santana and Tyra Banks as a modeling agent. IT’S FUCKING TYRA TIME I can't even imagine Tyra preparing for this role, all i can think about is how many Vines did she make while getting ready for this. 2013 Update: She is a horrible actress but shine bright, shine far, don't be shy, be a star! She pressured Sam to lose weight, so he went on a Mentos and flavored air diet until Kurt, Santana and Rachel convinced him not to by singing a Billy Joel song. During this performance there were a lot of moments between Sam and Rachel… hmmmm interesting, always liked them as a couple…. Too soon? WHAT ABOUT PEGGY THE SCHOOL NURSE, SAM?!?!? Ummm and yeah Sam should definitely be a model, looking so fierce as a cowboy, business man, nerd, naked guy, DAMN! Damn!

4. BLAINE

Blaine is perfect. Over the last 3 episodes he was also thinking about his future, and went to New York audition for NYADA and look at other colleges. He apparently auditioned and it went well, but we did not get to see it or Whoopi… sometimes life’s not fair. He sang many Billy Joel songs, they were great, he is FLAWLESS and the emotion he puts into songs is just outrageously perfect. If you want more details just watch the show dammit.

5. BECKY

Sigh… I regret to even include this but here it is for all you Becky fans out there…Becky the Becretary was being BUCKWILD this whole time, Artie convinced her to look at colleges…ummm how the hell is Becky back in school, didn’t she shoot off a gun in school?

Anyway, Sue didn’t want to let her go, she was really protective and cute and asked all the right motherly questions like IS THERE WIFI ON CAMPUS???? SUE WTF DO YOU THINK?? Anyway, looks like Becky is going to college! It was cute ok??!?

6. UNIQUE

Used the wrong bathroom, caused a gender riot, actually had a great performance. My one comment is that Unique got all in a huff because some bullies threw her wig in the toilet. Seriously all they did was through your wig into the toilet, Kurt’s like was basically threatened and Rachel got an egg to the forehead so relax.

7. MARLEY AND JAKE

OK THIS IS WHERE IT GETS JUICY COUTURE VELOUR PANTS PEOPLE. So as we all know Marley and Jake have been the cutest couple ever for like a whole year now. He is a bad boy turned good, she is a good girl turned gooder. Marley is an uber Katy Perry (Mom worship, kittens, lollipops) and Jake is a Gaga, Rihanna, Bobby Brown etc. So while Bre was sitting back waiting to pounce, Jake and Marley were having issues because Jake wanted to go all the way, and Marley did not. They argued about it and it was so real, and then Jake ran straight to Bre to “help her choreograph” aka proposition her to have immediate sex with him.

So Jake and Bre got it on- I’m actually cool with this development, I think it all makes sense, except for the fact that it all unfolded so quickly. Apparently it wasn’t just a one time thing either! Wtf is wrong with Jake though? He needs it and he needs it now.

Bre continued to behave in a vicious manner and just flat out told Marley what was up!! LAWDDDD and then Marley came in like a wrecking ball and confronted Jake. All she wanted to do was break his walls and all he ever did was wreck her.

Then Jake tried to apologize and even left her flowers in her locker, but Marley wasn’t having it… which like bitch u better take his fine ass back… but she didn’t, which led Jake to embrace the man that he has become. He started pumping IRON while being a bad ass singer breaking out into song like his big bro woulda done while dancing around and singing about being left alone.  

Meanwhile, Marley sought out advice from her cafeteria lady mom, who advised her to hold out for a good guy- someone you can trust. PREACH CAF MOM. And it seems as though she still loves Jake but is glad she didn’t give him her V Card because he seems to be some sort of sex addict and is getting it in all over town.

…AND RYDER (8)

Ryder began by trying to talk sense into Jake about Marley, but ended in a full-court press on his BFF’s girl! (aka his real-life fiancé.. awwwwwwwww)

He asked Marley out and she rejected him while standing in front of a bunch of mirrors, but then he sang a Billy Joel song to her and asked her out again and she said yes. Up to this point I loved Ryder, except, what was he wearing during that performance, let me describe it… a salmon surfer shirt with an unbuttoned collar shirt with conflicting stripes. Anyways, Ryder and Marls went out on a date off-screen and when it was over Ryder committed one of the Top 10 Oh-No-No's and posted an effing INSTAGRAM recap photo of the date, complete with pink hearts drawn on that bish.

OK RYDER DOOD, Jake is your best friend I thought? And you are doing it wrong, every girl wants a guy who is a challenge and you ain’t it right now. But we will see how this unfolds! TRIANGLE IS BACK.

::::::NEW YORK CREW:::::

9. KURT

Kurt wanted to start a mainstream band that appealed to a mass audience. Makes no sense to start a band- when is the last time a band hit it big. Oh I guess One Direction- but they are teenage heartthrobs…anyway Kurt enlisted Demi and Santana to help- Rachel was understandably too sad about Finn to participate. He held auditions and the only person who auditioned was Adam Lambert who clearly lives for the applause and all of a sudden we were in a room filled with a cornucopia of Fox cross promotion (Glee, X factor, Idol) and Adam Lambert was hanging from a chandelier. Kurt rejected him for being too fabulous but Rachel talked sense into him and reminded him to let his freak flag fly! So now they have a pretty solid mixed gender group band going on holla!

10. RACHEL BARBARA BERRY
Love Rachel, she worked on her Funny Girl role a lot, and I wish that Brody was cast opposite because damn I miss him he was so wonderful.  She got a fake haircut and a fake tattoo, but turns out it was a real tattoo of Finn’s name. As soon as she walked into the bathroom to look at her tattoo I started sobbing. I am glad that are not behaving like Finn never existed. Rachel is fierce she will prevail!

11. SANTANA

Of course Santana came out of the woodwork several times looking and sounding flawless, these cast members are just the shit.. I wish Finn was here. Really sad.

Overall Grade for A Katy or A Gaga Episode: A

Overall Grade for The End of Twerk: A-

Overall Grade for Movin’ Out: A

NOTEWORTHY PERFORMANCES:

1. Applause- For Sam’s hilarious intro video alone, Blaine was unrecognizable in his get-up, also I didn’t know that Gaga was spelling applause in the song. The more you know about Target the more you know.

2. Roar- No clothes on, Rope swing, Get it demi, Artie swinging in wheelchair.

3. Blurred Lines- Mr Shue hitting the falsetto, not about date rape don’t fucking get me started

4. My Life- Jack Puckerman don’t let the haters stop you from doing yo thang

Unncessary Musical Numbers:

1. Honesty- Artie sang this to Becky a song… and this is where we go to classic Glee where they had a song they wanted to do and so they made up the dumbest shit ever to fit it in. I imagine when they were shooting this the crew members weren't even paying attention they were on their phones texting and sending snap chats like "Im so bored.” Artie sang a song to her about honesty so then he could then just explain it right after.

2. Wide Awake- One of my least favorite KP songs, so boring.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: One of the best moments of all 5 seasons was Sam’s interview with Hunter College but mostly this line: “This is a shot in the dark, do you know Mercedes Jones hahahahahhah”

Other thoughts and random stuff I want to include:

-“And while you’re out wipe your chin because there’s a butt on it”

-AMBER RILEY AND DEREK HOUGH YASSS GAGA

-“That was B.S… Before Sue”

- Shoutout to Neck Brace Girl holding it down she somehow got to stick around and Sugar Motta did not

- NENE (Coach Roz) NEEDS MORE SCREEN TIME SHE IS SITTING AROUND BORED AND GREG IS HAVING HER HELP CLEAN THE HOUSE AND IT'S MESSING UP HER ALLERGIES

- At one point Blaine and Sam hopped on a city bus and continued singing while a murderous Zack Galifinakis lookalike sat there in a hoodie.

-CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE BLAINE AS A DOCTOR OMG TOO PERFECT

-Blaine looked freakishly tan

-Ok seriously when are they graduating, it has been Spring 2013 for about 6 months now... Nationals can be that far away

Next New Episode:

Puppets… rolling my eyes. Good luck and godspeed!