These Hoes Aint Loyal and other tunes

#GLEEISBACK let’s get this trending worldwide people!!!!

So it’s been like 3 months see we have seen a new Glee episode, even the last new Glee episode was a fake throwback to a 2 year old Christmas special, and then they announced that everyone is moving to NY, the 100^th episode is coming back, so it’s hard to even understand the context of this new episode, or care about what is happening with Seniors who should have graduated a full year ago because they made it to Regionals last April. But as always, we are gonna roll with it.

Public Service Announcement: Every 5 minutes, someone in the United States stops watching or caring about Glee.

So as 3 of you know, half of Glee is spent in New York, where the cast members are more talented singers, attractive and loved by Ryan Murphy. Last we heard, Rachel Berry got the lead role in Funny Girl, and Santana did a Yeast Infection commercial, so in the meantime Santana has gotten a little down on herself in comparison to RB. Rachel took pity on Satan and offered her a background modeling job at her photo shoot, thus starting the beginning bubbles of a brewing controversy.  (Alliteration ever heard of it.) At this point I had seen the preview of Rachel slapping Santana about 75 times so I’m like get on with it already. When Rachel mentions Funny Girl is auditioning girls for her understudy, Santana gets that evil glimmer in her eye… color me surprised color me mine #troutymouth why aren’t you in this episode at all.

PUTT PUTT TRAVELS THROUGH TIME…

Back in Lima, Ohio, a place known not only for its smalltown charm but also for producing some of Broadway’s most talented singers, the longest Spring semester of all time is finally coming to a close. Tina and Artie, former lovers and current Tuesday lunch buddies, are both tied for Salutatorian and must battle it out for Valedictorian. Who knew Tina was smart, and also that they both had perfect attendance, “unlike some members of the glee club who come and go for months at a time with no explanation.” (Sylvester, 2014) So the war for Valedictorian is on and the second frenemy pairing is born!

In order to settle this, Principal Sue decides to have them both make speeches, with the person writing best speech winning Valedictorian. Not exactly fair- they should probably have to take a test or just share the title, but as someone who has sat through more graduations than should be legal I am all for spicing up a graduation.

Of course, Tina wants Artie to drop out of the race because she is always getting shat on by everyone and needs the award to get off of the Brown University waitlist. But Artie is like BITCH WHAAAA you just won prom queen and also you are a horrible person.

Because Mr. Shue is oblivious to everything, he decides to stir the pot even more and have everyone besides Blaine audition for the second solo at Nationals. (SIDENOTE: Blaine gets a solo!! Reeee!!) Tina and Artie volunteer but what about Marley doe? Glee just acting like Marley, Jake, Ryder and Kitty are ghosts haunting the choir room. So Tina and Artie “sing-off” to a song that actually makes sense for once as Tina is “Never Gonna get it” that she needs to just cease all thoughts, words and actions. AND THEN toward the end of the number, Tina “accidentally” pushed Artie out of his wheelchair. DA DAMN Kitty shoulda slapped dat ho.

So fast forward a few scenes- at some point, Tina and Artie buried the hatchet and became friends again, because when they delivered their speeches to Figgins, Shue, Beiste and Sue, they just deferred to each other. And in a stroke of genius, Sue decided that since they didn’t want to beat each other, the 3^rd highest GPA would pass them both and hallelujah holla back Blaine Anderson was named Valedictorian. SUCK ON THAT! AYAYAYAY!

So Frenemy Battle #1 has been decided, with Blaine coming atcha like a Dark Horse but being the clear winner.

Kurt Hummel also found his way into this plot idea by becoming frenemies with Starlight Lambert, who he thinks is trying to take over their band and become the Star.  He devises a plan to get to know him and pretend to be his friend so that he can figure out his motives/take him out/lock in inside his trunk and drive him to the desert and leave him there to die. So like frenemies often do, Kurt and Elliot spend a day together eating cucumber sandwiches and participating in a theatrical, hilarious number at a local guitar shop. Elliot lets Kurt know that he just wants to be in a band with kewl peeps, and Frenemy Battle #2 is over in a blink of an eye.

Soooo back to the Battle Royale between Rachel and Santana.

Santana Lopez has the NERVE to show up at the auditions for Rachel’s understudy in Funny Girl. She shows up 1) without telling Rachel and 2) auditions with none other than Rachel’s defining song “Don’t Rain on my Parade,” complete with 3) stolen choreography and 4) a short tight fittin right dress that I would steal if I was that skinny. THE AUDACITY. THE UNMITIGATED GALL.  So obviously Rachel is furious, as she should be, and Santana claps back right at her ass, saying that Rachel is just mad because of their high school drama that she never let go. They go back and forth hurling insults until Rachel gets revenge from that time Santana slapped her man Finn (RIP), and laid a nice forehand on Santana’s beautiful face. For as bout it bout it as Santana is supposed to be she surely just stood there. But Rachel was fed up, so she packed up all of her shit and then only took one bag and moved out!

Gee willuckers with Frens like this who needs anemones ya know?

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

Any episode without Trouty Mouth heavily featured is going to get downgraded, and some of the song choices were questionable. But overall I thought it was funny and I just like Glee ok!

Favorite Performance of the Episode

Brave performed by Rachel and Santana. Boring choice I know but I can’t bring myself to pick a Tina song. Context of the performance was that Santana was trying to get up the nerve to be a bitch and steal her friend’s joy. Santana was looking so fierce and Rachel was killing them poses- Cassandra July taught you well. They sounded amazing.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode:

Every Breath you take performed by Rachel and Santana. Always found this song to be utterly creepy and then I’m thinking of Puffy in a spacesuit and Rachel looking at Santana with a side-eye. It was just weird, unnecessary and BORRRRING as Becky would yell.

Favorite Moment(s) of the Episode

Two very well-placed Tina insults:

“Absolutely no one’s favorite New Direction Tina Cohen Chang” -Sue

“Actually Tina, YOU’RE McKinley’s Biggest bitch.”- Artie

Other Thoughts:

-Does Big Sean watch Glee?

-Flimsy segue after flimsy segue what else is new
-I know Kevin Mchale is sick of this corny singing in the auditorium shit
-Seeing Blaine on screen makes me very happy

-How are the top 3 students in the senior class all members of the Glee club

-When I create a Buzzfeed article about the 25 things that Glee started but didn’t finish, make sure I don’t leave out the time Becky shows Blaine a selfie of Kurt and Starchild kissing and nothing came of it
-On that same note what is going on with Jake/Marley/Ryder's love triangle
-And where is Bre the evil head cheerleader? 

American Idol Sub-blog

10 things I am loving about this season:

1.    Ryan Seacrest. I think it goes God, Oprah, Beyonce, Ryan Seacrest,

2.    Harry and Keith’s love for each other and music

3.    Jennifer Lopez’s goddess-like appearance at every turn and every angle

4.    The chamber (of secrets)

5.    There is no Lazaro or Sanjaya type contestant that will haunt me in the coming weeks

6.    Jena, Emily and CJ are my favorites

7.    This season has caused me to youtube like every single American Idol contestant ever and their whole history on the show (See: Haley Reinhart)

8.    The Voice will never be American Idol

9.    Still get to see Randy without really being forced to listen to him

10.It can only go up from last season and now we don’t have to listen to Mariah Carey talk about how great she is dahling.

I could do without so many identical white boys with guitars doe.
For those of you who don't watch American Idol I pity you. I really do. #idolgivesback #dawgpound