GRAND FINALE is finale here!

So what's up? 

Turns out there was a two-night finale a few weeks ago that never got blogged about but YOU KNOW WHAT my life doesn't revolve around you!!! 

Just kidding, I live for the applause. And I was so ready to BLOG! But then the 20-day sickness came back upon me and I was like... 



LUCKY FOR YOU I WILL NOT LET THIS BLOG GO UNFINISHED THE OLD ME IS DEAD AND GONE. And this is my ghost, writing to tie up Season 21 for all the readers I have awakened from their Glee Season 3/4 hibernation and I will autograph copies of this blog at the mall on Saturday. (National Mall that is, take a history lesson)  

This will either be really well-received because the anticipation has built or no one cares because there is a new season of the Challenge on and we are all nervously sweating waiting for Abram to unleash his rage.  Either way, Peta and Maks are engaged, Sean and Catherine are having a baby, Saint West was birthed and my blog is here. What a time to be alive. 

So now let's relive the greatest two night finale event in the history of television and count down the... 

10 MOST IMPORTANT AND ENTERTAINING MOMENTS AND CONCEPTS OF THE SEASON 21 DANCING WITH THE STARS TWO-NIGHT FINALE EXTRAVAGANZA 

THREE WEEKS LATER BECAUSE ITS RELEVANT

And don't forget that "I could snap your sternum with my forehead in one second". (Busey, 2015)

#10 "PONY" RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE! 

On the first night of the Finale, Carlos Penavega of Big Time Rush "fame"  got his first perfect scores of the season, doing 1) a sexy and fierce dance to one of the Weeknd's played-to-death hits and 2) a hip-hop dance featuring Paula Deen of all people. Sadly, he was eliminated the same night, which freed him up to focus on recreating arguably one of the most significant dances of the season: PONY! aka the Magic-Mike-Floor-Humping-Spectacular. The important thing to know is that they re-worked the formations so that Val could be smack dab in the middle and the cameras focused on him the entire time. Barely even saw Carlos. Some very smart people working behind the scenes at this show. 

Lil' Sebastian would be proud. #MiniHorse

#9 Sharna showed she is the the Real MVP 

I've never loved Sharna's personality- can't put my finger on exactly why but the fake smiling and weird outfits don't do it for me. But the finale really turned it around. First of all, the flashback to the week before when Nick messed up AGAIN and Sharna's mic picked up her pep talk mid-dance somehow was like the most professional dancer thing I've ever seen and I could never do that I'd be like a cat caught looking at a cucumber! (Apparently this is a thing- google it. Thanks Sav.) 

Another thing. Julianne was Nick and Sharna's "judge mentor" for the week, and she came into rehearsal to help Nick prepare for his Jive by making him pretend that there was "Hot Lava" on the ground like she was his pre-school dance instructor.  In what circumstance have any of us on this earth come across hot lava and thereby could relate to that reference? 

                            

And no offense to Maggie, but Nick got more and more annoying and Sharna dealt with his whiny antics and his slip-ups all season. This competition was handed to him on a silver platter (most fans in the world and prior years of experience performing for a family-friendly audience) and he couldn't execute and never had a breakout moment.

But most importantly, in their final Jive performance, Sharna's slayage of this galaxy cannot be put into words. So much slayage that my internal Lizzie McGuire cartoon character, Carrie Ann AND Erin Andrews complimented Sharna before they even talked about Nick. But Nick did really well too. And he is so regretting meeting his wife before he met Sharna. 

#8 Derek and Bindi HELD on (get it) and Derek gave us another reason to root for him

This is the 21st (TWENTY FIRST THOUGH) season of DWTS and the consequences of winning a mirror ball are still HUGE. If Alek wins, then the whole show is a sham and I hate America. If Nick wins, it's Sharna's first win ever and then Derek would get 2nd place. If Bindi wins it adds to Derek's legacy of victor over of the 73rd annual Hunger Games and over all other dancing peasants. 

This finale reminded the world that Derek knows what he's doing. First, he injected himself with some type of serum so he experienced "the sickening" during their final rehearsals of their quickstep and the "dancing against all odds" story began to formulate...

THEN WE FLASHED BACK to Season 15, when Shawn and Derek also had the Quickstep for their final dance and Derek broke all the rules and danced out of hold. The judges gave them lower scores AND THEN THEY LOST to freaking Tony Dovolani and Melissa Rycroft for God's sake. "Redemption story" continues to form... 

Fast forward to present-day times and Bindi is doing some spoken word at the beginning of the dance so you know it's real.  They killed the performance and Derek's fist pump at the end = "I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED AGAIN. VOTE FOR ME OR PERISH SWEATER MONKEYS."

Dance for your life Bindi! #init2winit



#7 Who is Fancy?

Exactly. 

Meghan Trainer was the musical guest and looked like a middle school girl at a talent show who was slightly embarrassed that she had to perform in front of people, and Ariana Grande and her heavenly voice were so apathetic about participating in this epic finale.

The answer to the question "Who is Fancy" is obviously Damien from Mean Girls and since seeing their performance I have played "Boys Like You" over 12 billion times. 

#6 Pondering if Nick Carter is here for the right reasons...

Uggggh Nick. We could have had it all. So many mistakes made and it all came crashing down in the final 48 hours of competition. First of all, his BSB song choice has been ill-advised all season, and "Larger than Life" as his freestyle song was just another missed opportunity to show off any ballroom skills he has picked up. Especially THE DUMB BREAKDOWN where he did some of the weirdest, clunkiest, slowest dance moves in freestyle history! I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!

And then the last few minutes of the season wrapped up with Nick having the nerve to sing a song off of his SOLO album. What kind of blasphemous back-stabbing... you tricky son of a gun... you know BSB needs your vocals to be fresh while Brian is healing!!! #howcouldyoubesoheartless. And then omg the split screen moment when they announced the Alek got 3rd place lolololol it was actually hilarious because Nick mini-celebrated like the merciless Draco Malfoy he is. In 48 hours it went from "I would love to see Nick win" to "Nick is trying to get Bindi to try gateway drugs." #villainsgottaVil

             

(Still love Nick I can't turn my back on you after what Lou Perlman put you through.)

#5 LET'S WATCH ALL OF THE WEIRD CONTESTANTS DANCE AGAIN

The fact that they let each eliminated contestant dance in the Finale is always questionable because who needs to relive that ever. But this season finale they limited the length of the dances so it was nice (?) to laugh at the following sacrilegious excuses for dancing: 

-Gary started yet another routine with yelling "WHAT?" I don't know if that was staged but it got me in the ribs. 

-Paula and Louie did their god awful Gilligan's Island dance but I made sure to only watch the dancer with pillows stuffed up his shirt.

-Lawwdddd Lil' Victor did two dances, one in which Karina picked him up and swung him around like a baby and one with the Penis Sombrero. Victor is the definition of a BAT OUT OF HELL #GodBlessKarina 

-And Kim Zolciak had the nerve to return and butcher the "I Dream of Jeannie dance" that they had at least one additional month to practice after her disqualification. Spoiler alert it was insulting to all of our time spent watching this show and then Tom made a joke about Kim being too big to fit back in the bottle? Idk, what a season am i right. 

#4 Alek ain't so bad after all 

Sometimes when a lackluster dancer makes it far in the competition (Noah, Candace Cameron, Bristol Palin) I become an angry beaver. This season I threw a lot of shade at Alek aka "I've gotta a blank face baaaabay," which he deserved because he was basically immobile during every dance and only moved his limbs to lift Lindsay's long body over his head. And ok his final Rumba and was pretty wack (MORE HIP ACTION) and the Silky Grey Pajamas Joke of 2015 was too much BUTTTT i was impressed that this literal nobody was able to learn choreography every week and he knows how to count music and when to lift Lindsay up and put her back down again. For the finale he had like 5 dances! 

And this goes against logic but I LOVED his freestyle and it was one of those memorable dances that i'll never forget although it looked like he did forget or he was one of those people in Men in Black who gets their memory erased because his face had no expression throughout the dance or the entire season. And the fall backwards was stolen from Derek and Shawn but it was still awesome! 

**LOL omg wouldn't it be funny if two guys (MALES) liked each other not just liked each other but LIKE LIKED each other like a BROMANCE how hilarious would that joke be???? (Re: the Carlos and Alek montage cmon DWTS) 

#3 The Bindi/Derek Freestyle of all Freestyles

WATCH HERE NOW AGAIN AND AGAIN



Ugh. The way she calls him Dad and not "my dad". The way Derek loves her more than he will ever love me. "Sometimes it feels like there is 3 people in the room". And Bindi looked like a beautiful land mermaid. Made me change my stance on shoulder sits in a dance. AND THE SURPRISE PICTURE OF HER DAD is why Derek is the ultimate competitor and will not be beaten. 

It was very obvious at this moment who deserved to win. 

#2 The LEN IS BACK! Moment

One of the best moments of the finale series, and quite possibly of my life. LEN GOODMAN's beautiful face popped up on the screen to kick Julianne out of the center seat. He probably called ABC up the moment the Gary Busey received a "7" and demanded his rightful place on the throne. 

#CELEBRATE!

                      

#1 The moment that we all deserved. 

BINDI AND DEREK WIN!!! And BINDI'S LITTLE BROTHER CAN'T TAKE IT! And neither can I because Kim Zolciak lost her mind and tried to pick Bindi up like a baby. Thank you to whoever finally shoved her out of the way so that she could get elevated enough for this perfect picture: 

Yay Bindi! And congratulations to Patricia on her DWTS Draft win! 

I got second place just so everyone knows but shoutout to my 4 #DraftQueens for continued commitment to Monday night ABC shows. 

BUT WAIT EVEN MORE THOTS FROM THIS SEASON: 

-Erin Andrews is a loose cannon who is coming to da edge
-I'm convinced Julianne has a critique writer who plans her judges comments ahead of time which is why nothing she says ever applies to the dances
-Anyone from the military will make it to at least 3rd place (check my facts because i haven't) 
-Witneys hair was EVERYTHING this season. Don't know if it's real or fake but I support it 
-TAMAR! Tragic tale 
-Dancing with the Stars is the sexiest "family show" ever Julianne can't say "butt" but the dancers can basically have sex on the dance floor
-#JusticeforKeo
-Andy Grammar has the voice of an angel and now he can incorporate dancing into his shows!! 
-The dance to Ex's and Oh's omg who is this girl Jenna 
- I needed the re-do of the Breaking Bad number like I need a hole in the head
- FUSION DANCES ARE SUCH A WASTE. Their final challenge should be a second freestyle. Or have the stars choreograph.  
-The Tom Bergeron montage of Safety Dance was one of the most disappointing discombobulations of a montage I've ever seen 

So as William Hung once said, "I did my best and I have no regrets." Share these words to the world so I can one day be famous enough to dance with Derek Hough. 

SEE YOU IN MARCH! 

Sideblog Alert: 

MTV's The Challenge: Bloodlines
HOLY MOTHER OF PLOP this is the most genius concept they have come up with. This season is going to give me an ulcer between Leroy having to suffer through the challenges with his un-athletic cousin to watching Jenna somehow make it to the end again to the return of ZACK AND CT for what reason I need to know! I'm pulling for Team Cohutta and his hilarious country cousin and once again they have filled the challenge with a bunch of worthless girls who can't do anything (Aneesa + 1 and Nany's doll cousin.) 

I'm so pumped I might even have to fully blog. Can't stop won't stop. 

Show Stop, Carry on. If I had a quarter for every time someone showed up late to a live show, Week 9

THE FINAL 6

QUARTER FINALS 

SHOWSTOPPING DUETS

#WHEREISTAMAR 

and more! on this week's edition of.... 

DANCING WITH THE STARS BLOG WITHIN AN ABANDONED GLEE BLOG THAT NO ONE READS EXCEPT A BUNCH OF LOSER FREAKS

Let's paint the scene. After ignoring all social media and elimination-related group texts for 24 hours, I sat down to watch this week's episode, cozy in my bed with my almond butter surprise ready to devour. We are down to the finals weeks and I live in fear of Derek and Bindi's elimination, although I forget to vote every week. I hate myself.  So I was already on edge when I pressed play and then slowly started to realize that there was no extravagant and uplifting Opening Number... 

No opening number???? Something's up. What is it Tom??? Is Derek going home??? 

And then like a bad dream, Valentin stood up there without a partner like he was Steven Glandsberg, looking so lonely and fashionable. 

(Also I wrote down a note at this point that read: "OMG MARK WHY" but I'm not sure if he did something or if I was just being hateful) 

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS TAMAR?????? First reaction: a rush of panic. Second reaction once Tom announced that Tamar might make it back in time: WE MIGHT HAVE OURSELVES A NICKI MINAJ AMERICAN IDOL MOMENT ON OUR HANDS and I begin to be nosy and nervous for the rest of the show. 

#Stallionaires

In the wise words of Finn Hudson, the show must go all over the place or something and boy did it. 

And the theme this week was "Showstopper"! I think. There was no link between the dances so it could have been the Almond Butter Surprise week and no one would care. We were all just sitting there like is Tamar about to show up like nothing happened a la Nicki? 

Anyway- the dances were important here's what hapened. 

Alek and Lindsey 

24 out of 30

Takeaways from this week: It took 5+ people to wax Alek's chest hair. 
The Dance: They chose a great song (Back it Up, everyone educate yourself this will be played at my wedding) and it was a nice routine only because Lindsay and the backup dancers did everything they could to block Alek throughout. 

TAMAR THOUGH we are just wondering....

Mark and Alexa

30 out of 30 

Takeaways from this week: Alexa and Mark found a heart-warming story/cause that could give Alexa a big moment in one of the most crucial weeks. I see you, Mark. Getting those 10's by any means necessary. 
The Dance: Alexa was Mark's little rag doll for most of it, I think she stood on her own two feet for 5% of all choreography but it was good! 
Judge Julianne: Tried to give some inspirational advice to Alexa and over- complimented Mark because the Hough Matriarch probably scolds her and Derek for not including him enough. 

Still no Tamar... 

BUT THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE IN THE HOUSE! They picked a tense night to show up. (And Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely softly plays in the background while Val kicks around an empty soda can.) 

Witney and Carlos

27 out of 30

Takeaways from this week: The pros are really feeling the pressure! Witney lost her confidence and then kicked Carlos where he won't forget. 
The Dance: I give them all the bonus points allotted to me as an official DWTS Blogger for picking one of the most epic songs of our generation,"What Do you Mean." (Although is it still considered my generation?? not sure) Justin said "be more straight-forward" and I thought it was a great straight-forward dance. Julianne and Carrie Ann were some hatin hoes and "happy hoes ain't hatin' and hatin' hoes ain't happy." - Khlo Khlo

Bindi and Derek

30 out of 30

Takeaways from this week: Derek was also feeling the pressure to win this week, and watching him get frustrated and question his choreography just made him more desirable. It was revealed that he felt like he let Nastia down last season (tears) and now hopefully America will see he is in it to win it and he deserves mirrorball #6. (I WILL VOTE NEXT WEEK)
The Dance: It's hard to understand how such perfection occurs on a weekly basis. It was a Viennese Waltz for Crikey's Sake and they made it beautiful and stunning and fabulous and they make me want to cry every time. And they danced to a song written by Mark and his girlfriend. They are from heaven. 

Tamar and Val???

22 out of 30 

Takeaways from this week: Tamar is missing! FLASHBACK TO DRESS REHEARSAL! 

The dance: SMDH for having to watch that nonsense. Val looked PISSSSED to say the least. I realized this week that it's not just Tamar the judges are scared of, they don't want the Chmerkovsky wrath either. Her dress rehearsal scores still almost beat Alek's though, POW. 

Nick and Sharna

28 out of 30

Takeaways from this week:  Well we've got Nick C. writhing around on the floor and Sharna looking at her phone talking about she is the only pro who has never won. Not exuding the most confidence. 
The Dance: Nick was adorable but let's give it up for Sharna being the baddest of the ballroom. Good lord. I really liked it and don't know why the judges were so critical but we did hear the loudest boos ever which means the fans are in it to win it for Nick, baby of the band. 

Sidenote Kevin and Howie lololol 

NEW THEME ALERT! SHOWSTOPPING DUETS 

I have no idea why they didn't pair up male/female partners but fine

Duet #1: Carlos and Alek = 24 out of 30 

Lindsay, Alek, Witney and Carlos went on a cruise to prepare... because that's always the best way to focus on your dreams of winning a dance competition, going on cruise to play foozball. 

The dance was to "We Will Rock You" and I loved it! I was so impressed, especially with Lindsey and Witneys hair and hairography. The lift was great. But hating ass judges gonna hate. 

UPDATE FROM TOM BERGERON: TAMAR IS TRYING TO MAKE IT BACK! GAHHHHHHH

Duet #2: Alexa and Bindi =  30/30

Ya know, I had really started to be okay with Mark. At some point enough is enough, and he is Derek's best friend so he must not be that bad.

UNTIL HE HAD THE NERVE TO UTTER THE LETTERS "KTVD" which apparently mean "Killing the Vibe Derek" MARK I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU 

Bindi and Alexa killed the Carlton. 

****OMFG TAMAR IS HERE WILL SHE BE PERFORMING IN A HOODIE AND SHADES WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME****

As soon as the last dance started I was almost in tears out of exhaustion from this roller coaster of an episode. They danced to "Hey Jude" and it was not the greatest dance I've ever seen but Tamar was like their little sick child who was so happy to be out there dancing and twirling and Nick tried to act supportive but in his head he was like DO NOT RUIN THIS FOR ME TAMAR!!!! 

Duet #3: Tamar and Nick =  27/30

****Elimination time!****

Bindi and Derek and Nick and Sharna were called safe first so that was comforting. Alek and Lindsay were called third (ALL THE BLASPHEMY) and Tamar and Val were also safe but it doesn't really matter since she has since dropped out. 

So one of the married stars was going home THEY GAVE US THE MIC'D UP MARRIED PERSON CONVERSATION which was full of over-dramatic accusations and tears. And then to my surprise, Alexa and Mark were eliminated. 

Then Carlos had a freaking meltdown on live TV like Alexa was Teresa Giudice being wrongfully hauled off to Prison or something and we were all like... 

OMG CARLOS LOLOLOLOL THE DRAMATICS ITS JUST DANCING WITH THE STARS OMG. Says the girl with the weekly blog okay bye 

BEST FROM THE GROUP TEXT WHICH IS REALLY KILLING IT LATELY: 

"Let's kick Mark out and have Val dance with Alexa" 
"Mark looks like a dementor" 
"I feel like Joey Fatone hasn't left the ballroom since he competed"*******
"Mark has a girlfriend? And I'm still single."
"No one died" (I'm assuming this is in response to Carlos's breakdown") 

Couples left to dance for glory: 

Derek and Bindi

Nick and Sharna

Carlos and Witney

Alek and Lindsey 

See you later warehouse, catch you on the flippity flip

Surviving and advancing and dancing #IdolSave Week 8

Can barely type, early onset carpal tunnel possible scenario, lump in my throat, coming down with a higher fever with every passing second, got a blister on the back of my right foot, and blog's a day late. 

But maybe it's just jungle fever a la Adam Braverman. And we are blogging and recapping against all freaking odds people. 

The ballroom was quite the Survivor Island this week and WE'RE GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS with IMMUNITY for the highest score, dance-offs, Erin Andrews ending the World Series early so she could see someone do the worm on the dance floor, and so many comments about being super in-shape and nice bodies what would Ariana Grande say?  

I wrote a self-help book about Week 8 of Dancing with the Stars, the title is: 

Gravity's a Bitch Isn't it? A book about a blog about a ballroom dancing show in it's eighth week of it's 21st season by Rachel Southall

Chapter 1: Still Hard to Believe that Marc Anthony had Sex with J Lo

Plot Synopsis:

Latin Lover, Carlos is scared to get in touch with his inner salsa queen. No me ames. 

Plot twist: Witney and Carlos killed the salsa like me at a Bachelorette Final viewing party.  

Chapter 2: Shrek and Fiona Drop that Kitty Down Low 

Plot Synopsis:  

Classic rags to riches story. Spotlight shining too bright for small town hero, Alek, and he gets to be more famous than his friends for no reason. #muchtoofullofresentment Kitty brought out the whip and Lindsey's "ALL LIFT" strategy finally backfired when she slipped right out of Alek's big ole Shrek hands. 

Chapter 3: I Put a Tree between us and the Judges, the Andy Grammar Story 

Plot synopsis:  

A sweet tribute to Andy's mom is overshadowed by a Stevie Wonder tribute song that was not sung by Stevie Wonder. (smh) 

As if the tribute wasn't emotional enough, check this out: 

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH (spoiler alert! Oh I should've said it before) 

Chapter 4: Jesus can only Take the Wheel so much

Plot Synopsis: 

Mark Ballas, Spawn of Satan, has once again been paired with a Bible thumper trying to sway him over to baby Jesus. The classic "biblical" story of David and Goliath came alive when Alexis forgot the choreography again and added even more misery to Mark's life. 

But: her solo section was great! I don't hate them as much as I normally hate them. 

Chapter 5: Bang Bang into the Ballroom Backstreet Baby Boy 

Plot synopsis: 

Well, now we know that Nick Carter is not a virgin. Nick performed an ode to his wife and baby's mother and more tears were shed than normal. We learned the sex of the child on live TV and here is a little bit of foreshadowing for Nick and his soon-to-be Baby Buzz: 

Chapter 6: #BindiBacklash

Plot Synopsis: 

The apocalypse is nigh in this alternate universe where Derek and Bindi don't get a perfect score. Bindi internalizing her scaredness, blisters and bruises and channeled her idol Sophia Grace for her perfect dance. 

Wait that's not right is it... 

Bindi, this mirrorball is yours for the taking. Don't let Julianne's forced critiques about your shoulders bring you down. 

Chapter 7: For Those Who Ever Wondered if Toni Braxton was Born that Way?

Plot Synopsis: 

Tamar and Val do damage control as Tamar continues to flail her spirit fingers across the floor. Julianne is even more of a Nervous Nellie to give Tamar a bad critique and Toni Braxton is like "Leave my name out of it!"

Chapter 8: Pants Off Dance Off

Dance- off 1: Carlos/Witney vs. Derek/Bindi

Carlos made the biggest mistake of his life but volunteering to do the jive against Derek and Bindi. Derek opened his shirt just at the right time but wait... the judges all picked Witney and Carlos. Blasphemous. 

Dance off 2: Tamar/Val vs. Alexa and Mark 

Tamar is losing it for me. She just freestyled around while Mark and Alexa actually Cha Cha Cha'd. Mark won and they actually deserved it. 

Dance off 3: Andy/Allison vs. Alek/Lindsey 

Samba worm lolololol much respect Andy gets my vote 

Chapter 9: It's hard to say goodbye my love, hard to see you cry my love

Andy Grammar went out on a handspring so if I could quote his inner monologue "Honey, I'm Good" (GET IT) 

Week 8 Score Recap: 

Nick & Sharna	30+3=33
Tamar & Val	28
Bindi & Derek	28
Carlos & Witney	27+2=29
Alexa & Mark	25+2=27
Alek & Lindsay	25
Andy & Allison	22+2=24

More thots: 

- Best moment of my life: Shirtless Val and Carlos partner dancing on snapchat 

- Were the live viewers also accosted with holiday commercials?

- Erin Andrews couldn't let them live at the World series 

- Bruno is the most reliable judge by far and I so wish Len was still here

Highlights from the group text: 

- "The uggh Mark text makes an appearance at least once a week" 

- "So glad I shared that special moment with Nick Carter with live television" 

- "If I were a dancer on this show it would be guaranteed that I would fall running up the stairs to the red room"

- "We got a close up of mark doing some weird pelvic thrust so I was blinded for the rest of the dance" 

Next week: 

Sike I'm not sure what the theme will be!!!

(Really, Phyllis? Did he see Pam?)