Guess Who's Back. Back again: Cuz it feels so empty without Glee!

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And we're baaaaaaaaack.  As if Friday mornings weren't already heavenly, now I get to watch Glee, too? I don't deserve this kind of freaky luck in my life!

For all my returning readers (Allison Perri Newman and probably 3 others), I hope I live up to the high bar you have set for my blogs. And to all you first-time readers... I am about to blab on a bunch of jibberish and inside jokes that you will not be able to understand so just Follow along white people!

For once, I tried to stay away from spoilers as much as humanly possibly before the premiere, which was impossible, especially after watching 2 hours of the X Factor (which is the weyudest show on planet earth) and following Ryan Murphy on Twitter. My expectations were low for this first episode, because both Season 2 and Season 3 premieres were WIGGEDY WIGGEDY WIGGEDY WACK. The title of this episode was the New Rachel (yes!) and it wasn't until halfway through that I understood the double meaning of this phrase! The New Directions need a "New Rachel" to be the star (well duh) AND Rachel Berry is becoming a "New Rachel" in New York via self-discovery and hot boys in towels! Let's Get Get Get it Poppin.

The New Rachels: McKinley Style

New school year at McKinley High School! Fresh of their Nationals victory, the New Directions are all Glee Studs and being courted by popular kids, cafeteria lady spawn, red-headed rappers and Vocal Adrenaline hot messes. Unique just up and left Jesse St. James (LOUDER! How could you?) and becomes a contender for the spot of new star of the Glee Club. Also in the running was Tina Cohen- Chang, who broke up with Mike..? I am usually all for this kind of single girl power but in this case Mike was upgrading you and now...just wamp. But power to the people, you can get your groove back. And Rachel was just being nice before- she would never endorse you, Tina. Brittany S. Pierce is also back in action... ok get out of here you can't sing, and Blaine (Sigh..... <3) clearly this fake competition is yours for the taking. & I didn't think it was possible, but Glee made Call Me Maybe even better AND made me love Blaine even more- which is why he was an obvious choice (thank you Artie) for the New Rachel.

Once that was settled, it was time to beef up the New Directions; they still need 12 people to compete right? Enter Marley, who was not only rocking a freaking taxi driver hat that should have been outlawed in the 1930's but is the daughter of the lunch lady! SCANDAL! (I'm not really grasping the genetics on that mother/daughter pair but we'll go with it.) But it turns out she can sing- and her Walmart swag made the New Directions go back to being nice to people again and getting slushied. So is Marley the new Rachel? I mean she got the solo and did the dramatic arm raise at the same time as RB so... I'm just trying to piece together the symbolism. Other noteworthy auditions included an awesomely hilarious rapper "Lil Wayne Lil Wayne" and baby Puckasaurus also known as "Just Jake". I mean really? I literally put my hand to my forehead in obsession upon hearing his first note. What we know about Jake: He is Puck's secret half brother, he has a chip on his shoulder, his dad is a former NBA Player (did I hear that right?), he is hot and he can sing. But the chip on his shoulder could make him a challenge for Mr. Shue... and the plot thickens.

In other news- Kurt is a pathetic and depressing townie. Trust me I know the feeling and have witnessed it first-hand: the dance team girl who just can't let go! I mean just last week I was at the bottom of the hill for an entire football game looking like a groupie trying to relive my glory days. We gotta move on, Kurt! And thanks to the world's greatest Dad, Burt Hummel, Kurt decided to leave his career as a barista and Glee club consultant and move to New York to do.... something. Not sure on that one yet but I'll get back to you.

The New Rachel: NYADA style

And who was in New York waiting for Kurt? None other than the original Rachel herself... Rachel. After choking on Kate Hudson promos for the last month, it was hard for me to care about these supposed "cut-throat" dance classes. I did like that Kate Hudson is an alcoholic, but even drunk she is right that Rachel needs to work on her pique turns. Why are they only doing pique turns? Who even does them anymore? Also, Rachel's roomie is a slore! Wish we could have met her, Michelle, any thoughts? But Rache made a new friend- and a HOT junior at that! Watch out now Finn, who hasn't called her in 2 months???? And she is still holding a candle for him?? Actually I can totally relate to that, poor Rachel. But good news- she NAILED her HUNGER GAMES REAPING!  I VOLUNTEER! And the sound of her voice gave me immediate chills. But by the end, she had CRACKED like an egg and needed her bestie, Kurt. Say crack again. And like a good neighbor, State Farm is there! With a gay best friend standing on the opposite end of a fountain.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A. I was truly shocked how great it was, considering Glee's Episode 1 history! I actually love the current Glee club, even though I miss Quinn, Finn and Puck, and love Rachel's New York Life, besides her annoying dance class. Woo Season 4 is on bitches.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: It's Time performed by Blaine. Nothing can beat a combination of step dancing, cup percussion, double dutch jump ropes and Blaine Anderson. Never seen double dutch look so effortless, Blaine clearly needed to tutor the kids from the Glee project. Lilly couldn't even turn the rope without getting out of breath. EYE OF THE TIGER!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Americano/Dance Again performed by Kate Hudson (forgot her character's name.) I'm just not that into you Kate Hudson!

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Not gonna lie, seeing Jacob Bin Israel's face pop up on the screen made me all kinds of happy.

Least Favorite Moment: I honestly can't think of one. Wow. Great ep!

Here is my Glist from week one, a way of ranking these fictional characters who rule my life. If you ain't on the Glist you ain't shit.

Glist Week 1
1. Blaine. for being perfect in every way
2. Jake. seriously, why can't there be guys like him in real life?
3. Rachel Berry. You are everything... totally believable in NY, love ya girl!  

4. Kurt.
5. Sam. "Bella i love you. And im a werewolf."
6. Sugar Motta. Triumphant return in a leopard hoodie
7.  Marley.
8. Artie.

9. Brody.  Again, where is ur equivalent walking around the mean streets of DC
 10. Mr. Shue. I'm proud of you! Look at your little club!

Random Thoughts:

-Rory Flanagan they dropped you like it was hot! Hopefully Blake will not suffer the same fate.

- Sue has a newborn and a Kitty Kat.

-Why u gotta hate strong black women for?

-Kate Hudson's abs, didn't she just have a baby? ftw

-Unique, if you're gonna go drag, don't dress like a 40 yr old mom! I could have sworn you were NeNe Leakes for a second

-Ok, this could have turned out bad but after Marley revealed that the lunch lady was her mom that was a perfect time for the bullies to come in with some "Yo mommas so fat" jokes

-I don't even read other Glee blogs anymore because I think mine is far superior

-Did Whoopi just tell a girl she couldnt go to college anymore?

Next Week's Episode

It's Britney Bitch! Fox is really milking the Britney cow dry! My dream songs would be "Lucky" "Drive Me Crazy" and "Don't Let me be the last to know" Can't Wait!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIIBQLrhOi4