Hoo's there? Drosslymayanpocalypse: O Christmas Glee!

Glee Christmas/Hanukkah/End of Civilization Episode is here!

This episode has everything, you’ve got your wheelchair kids in black in white, your obese lunch ladies with #nofilter, your jew on jew motocross racing- family fun for all!

Glee tried to convince us into that they were doing a "Love Actually” tribute, by having 4 or 5 different storylines that all centered around one theme. But this episode just felt like every other Glee episode which led me to realize that every Glee episode is like a tribute to Love Actually, jumping from story to story without a care in the world, but ultimately centering around one big theme that Will Shuester writes on the white board. (Duets, Funk, Lesbian Music, the word "Hello" etc.) But this episode had like 20 different directions so it didn’t really compare to Love Actually at all. IT’S IRONIC, ACTUALLY. So here is what was said: 

Glactually Christmas Episode Themes:

1)            Acceptance of Self/Fate/Destiny/Destiny's Child/Glee Club (Artie)

2)            Dads having cancer and new beginnings? (Kurt)

3)            Mayan Apocalypse/Carpe Diem (Brittany and Sam)

4)            Spirit of Giving/Eating Disorders (Marley/Sue)

5)            Family Bonding/Religious Pride (Jake/Puck)

And here we go.

# 1  Bitch You Ain't No Nerd?  Tiny Tim and the Return of the Leprechaun

So for the 3rd or 4th time in this show’s run, Artie was sick of being in a wheelchair. I feel you kid, and I don’t know how you stay so slender. So commence the dream sequence in which Artie never got in a car accident and everything was topsy turvy! Some thoughts on this dream sequence:

-Artie, no matter what you still look like a nerd.

-Mike Chang was lookin hot in black and white.

-Why was Kurt questioned for not graduating but none of the rest of his senior class was  questioned? Loose threads, Glee.

-That’s a doll hahahahah. (referring to the incomparable Terri Shuester)

-You cannot mention Ken Tanaka and then not show freakin Ken Tanaka!

-"Feliz Navidad" was sooo boring

-Ummm Quinn died of a broken heart, am I the only one who thought that was hiliarous?? She is a texting while driving addict?!?!? WHATEVER HAPPENED, HAPPENED. You always get on that plane.

So bottom line, like with every other Glee hallucination (See Props) the dreamer realizes that there is a reason that things are the way they are. And apparently the reason that Artie is in a wheelchair is so that his social status is so low that he joins the Glee Club he becomes the glue that keeps the New Directions together. And basically, a life without Glee is nothing at all! I do agree that Artie is the glue, although he gets no play anymore. And if he is the glue then Tina Cohen Chang is the rubber that everything bounces off and sticks to Artie.

But my question about the whole thing is… if it was dream, and it wasn’t real… then how’d I get jersey with the name O’Neal (O’Neal, O’Neal) Enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfhhWA9GF0M

Stop #2 on the train to nowhere: NEW YAK!

No surprise, Burt Hummel is Dad of the Year for the 4^th consecutive year. He popped up (you gotta pop up) to Kurt and Rachel’s apartment just as Rachel was about to be whisked away on Rosie O' Donnell holiday cruise, but arrived with sad news that Burty Boy has cancer. BUZZ KILL. Really Glee? Didn’t we already have to get through this emotional trauma once with Rachel singing Papa Can You Hear Me by Burt’s bedside? But he and Kurt bonded, and he gave Kurt the best present any human on earth could receive, the gift of Blaine! Blaine and Kurt are still on the rocks, but their Christmas duet was so fetch. And Blaine is going to apply to NYADA so that is interesting… very interesting.

Scenario # 3:  Dont you DARE.  Say… KWANAKAH!!!!!!

It has become apparent that the Puckerman brothers need each other’s hotness to survive so several things took place in this hotness exchange. Puck wants to “help” Jake with something I’m not sure of, so they took the the 45 north to San Vicente and then took Beverly over to Santa Monica until they arrived in Cali and did some networking via Hanukkah song on a movie set.  (Sidenote: Wish i had known this song before I was asked to make a Hanukkah halftime mix.) THEN they decided to go back to Lima to unite their mothers (weird) so they got back on San Vicente and took it to the 10 and switched over to the 404 and had dinner at breadsticks with the whole clan. Only important thing that came out of this story is that PUCK IS MOVING BACK TO OHIO AND THE ANGELS REJOICED, ALLELUIA, ALLELUIA.

Scenario # 4 Keep on Dancing til the world ends!

Trouty Mouth and No Lips Brit fit into this strange hodgepodge of Christmas stories by deciding that life is much greater when you think you only have a few days left via the Mayan Apocalypse. Seriously though in real life is the world gonna end? I just wanna know either way. There have been way too many songs about it not to be true, right? Whatevs, Sam and Brittany used comedy to help us cope with our inevitable doom and then Sam performed Jingle Bell Rock for NO APPARENT REASON in the library and then they got married! But not really, Coach Bieste is such a trickster! Now they are just dating and will probably break up soon since Glee is bound to run out of interesting things to happen in that area. I guess moral of this story is you should always treat people like it’s the end of the world! Live like you were dying, live while you’re young, I’m gonna die young, forever young, do you really wanna live forever etc.

Scenario # 5 Marley and Me and a Magical Christmas Tree full of cash

How awful must it be for Marley’s mom the actress to read those scripts with fat jokes all up in them?

Anyway, Marley officially has an eating disorder! Congrats, girl. And in order to pay for her therapy sessions, Marley and Marleymom cannot afford a Christmas tree or even an ugly sweater from “Benetton.” So in the spirit of a Glee Christmas episode, Sue once again went from Grinch to Cat in the Hat and gave the Marleys a Christmas surprise!  Marley’s mom then tried to return the cash and it went something like this:

I can’t accept.

Just take it.

Ok.

And the Glee Club sang and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in the hopes that Quinn Fabre would rise from the grave and mend her broken heart. And visions of SugarMotta danced in everyone’s head.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

Glee Christmas episodes are never great, but I enjoyed it! Won’t be watching it again anytime soon but it got the job done.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas performed by everyone. This song gets me every single freaking time no matter the version.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Marley singing the first noel for several reasons. One, there was a feature on Glee’s facebook page of them trying to remember the words to the songs and Marley was the only one who could do it but they failed to mention she had to memorize it for the show! Cheating bitch. Also this was an awkward cafeteria scene that no one needed.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: (and quote possibly of the season) “Tina your acting career is a pipe dream and your decision to pursue it is both irresponsible and shocking.”

Other thoughts:

-Does Blaine Warbler not have his own family to celebrate with?

-Sugar motta and Unique not out chea

-Omg it is snowing!!! Inside! A true Christmas miracle

-I repeat where is sugar motta?

-Why in baby Jesus’s name don’t we get to see Rachel and her dad on the cruise?

-Wasn't there supposed to be a Winter Concert they were preparing for? Where was that? 

Glist

1.     Puck

2.     Blaine

3.     Jake

4.     Burt

5.     The spirit of Quinn

6.     Sam

7.     Cool Artie

8.     Nerd Artie

9.     Kitty (looking fierce out of that pony!)

10. Coach Bieste

Next New Glee:

Sadie Hawkins dance! I’m intrigued! But let’s wait a while before it’s too late

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vA1Ddrf_es

I’m F***in Ron Swansong: Had to Make this Swan Cry

I would first like to say that I loved this episode but more importantly, if SUGAR FREAKING MOTTA IS NO LONGER ON THE SHOW THEN I’M NOT SURE IF I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO BLOG EVER AGAIN. Ryan Murphy, hear my swan song and correct this blaspheme.

In a major twist, only because no one ever thought Ryan Murphy would have the balls to make it happen, the New Directions lost sectionals because of Rexi’s blackout performance. (If somehow the Warblers disqualify and the ND get to compete again I will be so annoyed.) The New Directions should thank Marley for passing out and ruining their chances because now they can tell people they had to forfeit rather than the truth which is that they got whooped gangham style! They sucked and the Warblers were so fetch.

So basically as soon as they found out out the news that they lost,  Sue and the Cheerios were trashin' the camp, and all of the New Directions san Marley decided to quit and move on to the next one. (Whooo could it be?) Some of my faves included Blaine Warbler as a Cheerio (PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON THIS DREAM) and Artie as a drumline maestro or whatevs you call it.

Brittany and Sam decided that instead of taking up on extracurriculars, they would just complete the Glee Club dating circle of life and fall in love for no apparent reason. Is it me, or are they making Brittany seem even dumber nowadays? They’ve taken her from ditzy blonde to full on elementary schooler and it’s mad annoying. But Sam seems to be way into it so maybe I should start drooling and eating cheerios off the ground if I’m ever gonna find true love.

Meanwhile at NYADA (3 syllables) or nyada (2 syllables), it was time for the Winter Showcase dun dun dun. After the Season 4 premiere and the mere mention of the Winter Showcase, who didn’t guess that Rachel B would be selected to sing in it? I mean duh come on now, some Glee writers wait a lifetime for a moment like this. (She should’ve done that!!! Omg or the Justin Guarini version!) Rachel was all a flutter, until she had a dance battle with Kate Hudson and realized (finally) that dancing is not her strong suit but she can sing better than anyone around the globe! So she got all dolled up, (and looked effing wonderful) kissed Brody the Babe and went out there and tore shit up. I mean I have never heard that song in my life and it seemed to have no concern for rhyming, tempo or anything but she is the queen and we are just the sorry people. A little too dramatic but that’s just her and that’s why she got a standing O! If I wasn’t the laziest sloppy freakshow baby I would have gotten out of my chair and thrown flowers at my laptop screen this morning. And apparently a look from Whoopi Goldberg means do an encore Christmas song (I thought she was going rogue for a second!) and RB hit us with another flawless performance of “O Holy Night.” Granted, she released that one like 2 years ago and I would have preferred for her to sing something new, but she still sounded ridiculous so brava! SUPERB LIL RACHE, I ONLY WISH YOUR DADS COULD SEE YOU NOW! Seriously though, let’s get them back on the screen asap. (Also, I really want Brody to end up being an asshole to spice up my life a little.)

In a shocking twist- well not that shocking at all if you watch the previews- Whoopi decided to let Kurt audition again for Nyada on the spot at the Winter Showcase. LOUDER!!! Turns out that all the things we love about Kurt performances (high kicks, baton twirling, ridiculous outfits) do not fit into the NYADA mold… umm excuse me?!?!? Kurt, screw them, join the circus or hook up with Nicki Minaj and paint the town gold glitter! But I guess Kurt really wanted to get in, so Kurnicorn had an ADORABLE chat with Rachel about singing with soul and went out on stage to audition one last time.

Ok this is the point in the episode when I lost my freaking mind and started crying hysterically. I have no idea if this "Kurt on the big stage" moment had a similar effect on others, but I was seriously crying, like ugly face and tears streaming down into puddles on my keyboard. Maybe it was the mention of the “I wanna hold your hand” performance that made me think of little Kurt Hummel with the side swept bangs or made me think of the times when Kurt was having such a miserable time trying to be a gay teen in Ohio, or maybe the words of the song. I don’t know man!! In an emotional state right now. But Kurt did great ALTHOUGH if you are trying to make a classic Kurt number you need to have him hit a classic Kurt high note. But he got into NYADA, and Rachel won and held Brody’s hand! And all is happy in the big city.

Back in Lima, Finn was struggling to get the Glee kids to stay in the club after they had no more competitions to work for and no practice space. I know these epiphany moments are kind of corny but I loved it when Rachel told Finn that it’s not about the competition and it’s about the singing, dancing, fun and friendships, yadda yadda yadda. It's so true and to that I say hell yeah. Hell yeah hell yeah. So Finn sent out an e-mail with the basic sentiment of “You can find your way, you can go the distance” (TM Maggie Klee) and it turns out that all of the kids love Glee club as much as I love Dance Team haha circle of life goes around again!  And Marley finally wore an appropriate hat.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A

Simple plot, positive message. Great performances and inexplicable tears always translates in a good review from me.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Being Good Isn’t Good Enough performed by Rachel Berry. There is no other answer and I am working on my rendition of this to be performed at Gabe’s next pregame.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: All That Jazz performed by Cassandra and Rachel. If I never have to see that dance studio again I will die a happy gleek.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: 2 Winners: Blaine strutting up in a Cheerios uni and Black Swan giving Rachel the stink eye as she sang.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:  Teen Jesus being fweaky and weyud.

Glist

1. Rachel

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam- I’m just saying you could do better.

5. Artie

6. Jake

7. Ryder

8. Brody

9. Cheerios doing trapeze/ribbon dancing in slow motion

10. Tina was not annoying this week!

Other Thoughts:
-Ryan Murphy reading my blog again with the “You ain’t no Rachel” comment

-Finn made his famous confused face many times

-How far away is Washington from Ohio? Mr. Shue is back and forth like it ain’t nothin
-Brittany needs to grow some eyebrows.
-Finn I appreciate your speech but the marching band needs members too Finn! Prob more than the Glee Club
-Lipchap locker was genius.

-Brittany is just a man to me

-Unique got more play when she was in Vocal Adrenaline

-OH RYDER CAN PLAY BASKETBALL HAVE YOU EVER FREAKING SEEN EYE OF THE TIGER?!?!?!

Next week’s episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYFD7UgwdMk

Everyone brush up on Love Actually before it airs! Christmas/End of the World reeeee! And return of Terri Shuester and Burt Hummel hollllla!