#HaveNone of the Lights: Bourree Monster Strikes Again

The power is out! Hasn't this school been through enough?? The humanity!

Yes, Glee created an episode on the premise that the lights went out so everyone has to cope with that musically... take a moment to digest it and move on. Let's assume that the darkness and lack of electricity was a metaphor for baring your soul and being innovative in music without the bells and whistle. Assume that was the point of this ridiculously- themed ep and let's go.

If all of you have been racking your brain asking yourself  "Is Ryder an idiot?" the answer is yes. Yes he is.  He still doesn't know who the catfish is.. even though he knows it is someone in Glee Club (or is it?) and yet he is STILL continuing to carry on a catfishian relationship with this person. Ummm, hey Ryder- why don't you just stand up in front of the club and say HEY GUYS WHO THE FUCK IS CATFISHING ME RIGHT NOW. OUT WITH IT. Instead he is just making himself look like more and more of a certified idiot by not finding out, and by telling all of his secrets at awkward times for no reason.

And his secrets did come out this episode, but let's rewind and work our way up to that incredibly awkward confession.

The lights went out, so Mr. Shue made everyone sing acoustic songs. Woooooo shutup. Trouty Mouth sang first and then randomly got in a tizzy about the merits of being able to function as an Amish (you were conceived to that depressing ass song??) and I cannot see anything that anyone is doing on the screen because THE LIGHTS ARE OUT AND IT IS DARK. So basically we hear and not see the following things unfold:

Ryder wants to find out who the catfish is, so he devises a sneaky plan to reveal his deepest darkest secret so that he can see the look on his glee club members faces, because the person who is NOT surprised would expose themselves as the catfish since they already know his deepest, darkest secret. Some of the best logic I have ever seen on Glee. So he sings a depressing song with full orchestration (thank God, Mr. Shue, I don't know what we would have done without that full orchestration) about everybody hurting, which seems like it now could to apply to everyone getting slushied. What... I thought they were popular now that they won Nationals, but apparently not- they are still Nerd Fergusons and everybody hurts. For a second I thought that his deep dark secret was that he was the one behind the slushy-ing for the last 3 years or that he was on this secret show before high school called The Glee Project Season 2 but it turns that he was molested by his 16 year old babysitter as a child. LOUDER.

Ok by the way during this episode everyone was doing a lot of texting, which I'm surprised I even noticed since the screen was PITCH BLACK but the biggest texters were def Kitty Kat and Artie so they are my front-runners for Catfish of the Year.

So back to Awkward City, Ryder was molested, but his male friends don't think it was so bad because his babysitter was a girl and he basically was getting acting as an 11-year old so he should be proud. (We should have known that this Glee Club doesn't think much of child molestation because of all of the Michael Jackson worship. ZING.) Overall, this was just so uncomfortable and awkward. This kid Ryder has some issues. Mainly because he chose to tell everyone in his extracurricular activity about the child molestation, but also because his decision to tell everyone was based on the premise that this would help him figure out who the catfish was which failed miserably because UMMM IT'S DARK AS FUCK THE LIGHTS ARE OUT GENIUS so he couldn't see anyone's reaction. hahahahaah as I wrote that I just cracked up laughing THIS SHOW IS BONKERS YALL and I love it.

All the while, Kitty is looking at Ryder with some crazy eyes, and it turns out that she has also been molested, so they go on a date and bond and it is actually pretty sweet in an icky and depressing way. I'm not opposed to this combo. (Puck broke up with her apparently. Kitty, that is no reason to tell lies; Puck is beautiful and always will be so bite your tongue.) But THEN later when Kitty tries to take Ryder out to Subway (awwwwwww) he ditches her so he can spend more time catfishing on the interweb. So if you are here trying to figure out this mystery with me, it would seem as though Kitty is NOT the catfish because he was "pinging" Cattyfish almost the exact same time he was talking to Kitty. But then it also could be plausible that she IS the catfish and is just a really fast texter and the reason she is getting so upset is that she doesn't know how to tell Ryder that she is the Fish of Cats. Either way, it seems as though Kitty really likes Ryder, and he is just confused about life so I'm sure by the next two episodes all will be revealed and we can finally get some closure on this awkward situation that has taken place at McKinley High. What if they carried this mystery out until Season 5 I think I would throw myself in a lake.

***UNNECESSARY BUT YET COMPLETELY SATISYING PLOT ALERT***

Artie got inspired by both Sam's Amish lifestyle and the sweet sound of a crunching water bottle and got everyone to perform "We Will Rock You" with household items which was COMPLETELY stupid until Jake the Snake decided to tap dance and turn and make it all worth it!

In completely unrelated and unimportant news: Sue is no longer a teacher or cheerleading coach, she is an aerobics instructor for a sexually charged group of twenty-somethings and Blaine. Coach Roz and Becky Buckwild are not getting along, mostly because NeNe thinks Becky is Sue's full grown baby child teenager, and Becky makes fart noises everytime NeNe blinks. I am too tired and burnt out to even try to understand that aerobics class, or why anything is happening with these characters so I am just going to erase it from my memory, only to be reminded of it again in about 5 minutes when I re-read this blog several times.

And in this week's daily dose of NY life in 5 points.

1. Rachel and Kurt have an intervention with Santana because she has become a cage dancer and is not using her talent to the fullest. "You are the most talented person I know, obviously with the exception of me and Kurt." TDODO.

2. Izzy (SJP) is still's Kurt's boss and she invited him and his friends to come work VIP aka sing on stage at the NYC Ballet Gala.

3. Burt Hummel is doing better- thanks for the update Glee.

4. Apparently, Rachel, Kurt and Santana were all transformed in their younger years by taking ballet class. All 3 of your teachers should be fired and punished for the dancers that you turned out to be. And now Santana loves to dance. And looks amazing and just like CeCe from New Girl.

5. Santana and Izzy aka SJP were up on stage talking shit about their parents. Disrespectful. Kurt and Rachel had supportive parents so they will have none of that.

That's all folks.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B

There was just like no point for half of the shit that transpired and I couldn't see half of what was going on because you know, the lights were out.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: The Longest Time performed by the New Directions. Saved the musical performances thank God. Also Mr. Shue snaps weird.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Little Girls performed by Sue Sylvestor. I will never get back those 3 minutes.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: By far Jake tap dancing and doing 13 turns in a row. I rewound and repeated several times. FINALLY!

Least favorite moment of the Episode: Sue doing everything that she did. Mainly singing that damn song. Although I do know what it feels like to have your life controlled by little girls what up #AUDTREPRESENT

Other thoughts:

-Why does Glee promote scenes that aren't even in the episode like the one of Blaine trying to get the truth out of Becky Buckwild?

-Brittany took the week off to go get impregnated

-Sugar hasn't been in an episode in like a year and a half

-How are we supposed to believe that Sam Evans knows who Phil Spector is?

-Jessica Sanchez yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

-Sam should never be serious again

-My favorite quote of the night: (Yours truly as I was taking notes): "Wtf is this the land of idiots" -Rachel Southall

-Figgins always coming with the classic lines: "Your brains are to remain in the on position"

-Tina holding it down with her 1 line per episode. She is graduating in 2 episodes are they going to try to make it seem like she will be missed

-I can't beleive they mentioned Artie singing a Miguel song but didn't pull the trigger!

Glist:

1. Jake (snaps)

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Kitty

6. Rachel

7. Santana

8. Coach Roz

9. Artie

10. SJP

Next Week's Episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPMtR8GzOkE

Very Confused that a tribute episode is the 2nd to last one of the season. Looks like Kurt and Mersizzle are back and that Blaine is going to propose. And Kate Hudson. (meh) This episode could be great, horrible, or average, or any other adjective you can think of

In American Idols news:

Mariah Carey must go. Keith Urban is a little ladybug (in a great way) and Nicki Minaj actually makes sense and looks amazing.

My favorites:

1. Amber

2. Angie

3. Candice

4. Kree

Kreedom needs to get out of there! She looks so bored and scared. Angie is #inittowinit as they say so I believe the top 2 will be Angie and Candice.

Amber should win because she is the most believable as a real artist but Angie is really getting me week after week so we shall see!

Also, why isn't Jimmy Iovine a judge???? Maybe they told him he would have to take off that backwards cap and he was like NO DEAL.

#seacrestout

I’m F***in Ron Swansong: Had to Make this Swan Cry

I would first like to say that I loved this episode but more importantly, if SUGAR FREAKING MOTTA IS NO LONGER ON THE SHOW THEN I’M NOT SURE IF I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO BLOG EVER AGAIN. Ryan Murphy, hear my swan song and correct this blaspheme.

In a major twist, only because no one ever thought Ryan Murphy would have the balls to make it happen, the New Directions lost sectionals because of Rexi’s blackout performance. (If somehow the Warblers disqualify and the ND get to compete again I will be so annoyed.) The New Directions should thank Marley for passing out and ruining their chances because now they can tell people they had to forfeit rather than the truth which is that they got whooped gangham style! They sucked and the Warblers were so fetch.

So basically as soon as they found out out the news that they lost,  Sue and the Cheerios were trashin' the camp, and all of the New Directions san Marley decided to quit and move on to the next one. (Whooo could it be?) Some of my faves included Blaine Warbler as a Cheerio (PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON THIS DREAM) and Artie as a drumline maestro or whatevs you call it.

Brittany and Sam decided that instead of taking up on extracurriculars, they would just complete the Glee Club dating circle of life and fall in love for no apparent reason. Is it me, or are they making Brittany seem even dumber nowadays? They’ve taken her from ditzy blonde to full on elementary schooler and it’s mad annoying. But Sam seems to be way into it so maybe I should start drooling and eating cheerios off the ground if I’m ever gonna find true love.

Meanwhile at NYADA (3 syllables) or nyada (2 syllables), it was time for the Winter Showcase dun dun dun. After the Season 4 premiere and the mere mention of the Winter Showcase, who didn’t guess that Rachel B would be selected to sing in it? I mean duh come on now, some Glee writers wait a lifetime for a moment like this. (She should’ve done that!!! Omg or the Justin Guarini version!) Rachel was all a flutter, until she had a dance battle with Kate Hudson and realized (finally) that dancing is not her strong suit but she can sing better than anyone around the globe! So she got all dolled up, (and looked effing wonderful) kissed Brody the Babe and went out there and tore shit up. I mean I have never heard that song in my life and it seemed to have no concern for rhyming, tempo or anything but she is the queen and we are just the sorry people. A little too dramatic but that’s just her and that’s why she got a standing O! If I wasn’t the laziest sloppy freakshow baby I would have gotten out of my chair and thrown flowers at my laptop screen this morning. And apparently a look from Whoopi Goldberg means do an encore Christmas song (I thought she was going rogue for a second!) and RB hit us with another flawless performance of “O Holy Night.” Granted, she released that one like 2 years ago and I would have preferred for her to sing something new, but she still sounded ridiculous so brava! SUPERB LIL RACHE, I ONLY WISH YOUR DADS COULD SEE YOU NOW! Seriously though, let’s get them back on the screen asap. (Also, I really want Brody to end up being an asshole to spice up my life a little.)

In a shocking twist- well not that shocking at all if you watch the previews- Whoopi decided to let Kurt audition again for Nyada on the spot at the Winter Showcase. LOUDER!!! Turns out that all the things we love about Kurt performances (high kicks, baton twirling, ridiculous outfits) do not fit into the NYADA mold… umm excuse me?!?!? Kurt, screw them, join the circus or hook up with Nicki Minaj and paint the town gold glitter! But I guess Kurt really wanted to get in, so Kurnicorn had an ADORABLE chat with Rachel about singing with soul and went out on stage to audition one last time.

Ok this is the point in the episode when I lost my freaking mind and started crying hysterically. I have no idea if this "Kurt on the big stage" moment had a similar effect on others, but I was seriously crying, like ugly face and tears streaming down into puddles on my keyboard. Maybe it was the mention of the “I wanna hold your hand” performance that made me think of little Kurt Hummel with the side swept bangs or made me think of the times when Kurt was having such a miserable time trying to be a gay teen in Ohio, or maybe the words of the song. I don’t know man!! In an emotional state right now. But Kurt did great ALTHOUGH if you are trying to make a classic Kurt number you need to have him hit a classic Kurt high note. But he got into NYADA, and Rachel won and held Brody’s hand! And all is happy in the big city.

Back in Lima, Finn was struggling to get the Glee kids to stay in the club after they had no more competitions to work for and no practice space. I know these epiphany moments are kind of corny but I loved it when Rachel told Finn that it’s not about the competition and it’s about the singing, dancing, fun and friendships, yadda yadda yadda. It's so true and to that I say hell yeah. Hell yeah hell yeah. So Finn sent out an e-mail with the basic sentiment of “You can find your way, you can go the distance” (TM Maggie Klee) and it turns out that all of the kids love Glee club as much as I love Dance Team haha circle of life goes around again!  And Marley finally wore an appropriate hat.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A

Simple plot, positive message. Great performances and inexplicable tears always translates in a good review from me.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Being Good Isn’t Good Enough performed by Rachel Berry. There is no other answer and I am working on my rendition of this to be performed at Gabe’s next pregame.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: All That Jazz performed by Cassandra and Rachel. If I never have to see that dance studio again I will die a happy gleek.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: 2 Winners: Blaine strutting up in a Cheerios uni and Black Swan giving Rachel the stink eye as she sang.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:  Teen Jesus being fweaky and weyud.

Glist

1. Rachel

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam- I’m just saying you could do better.

5. Artie

6. Jake

7. Ryder

8. Brody

9. Cheerios doing trapeze/ribbon dancing in slow motion

10. Tina was not annoying this week!

Other Thoughts:
-Ryan Murphy reading my blog again with the “You ain’t no Rachel” comment

-Finn made his famous confused face many times

-How far away is Washington from Ohio? Mr. Shue is back and forth like it ain’t nothin
-Brittany needs to grow some eyebrows.
-Finn I appreciate your speech but the marching band needs members too Finn! Prob more than the Glee Club
-Lipchap locker was genius.

-Brittany is just a man to me

-Unique got more play when she was in Vocal Adrenaline

-OH RYDER CAN PLAY BASKETBALL HAVE YOU EVER FREAKING SEEN EYE OF THE TIGER?!?!?!

Next week’s episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYFD7UgwdMk

Everyone brush up on Love Actually before it airs! Christmas/End of the World reeeee! And return of Terri Shuester and Burt Hummel hollllla!

Kiki Kiki Tembo No Rembembro: Degrassi por tu Glee

Putt Putt travels through time as we are really existing in last week, when it was Thanksgiving, and I was literally 2.5 lbs lighter... Marley give me some of those laxatives stat.

In 2012 last week but this week as well, the show choir circuit decided to make sectionals coincide with Thanksgiving break, which was a perfect time to combine all the things we love about Glee: The old kids, anorexia/Bulemia, Sectionals, the Warblers, laxatives, dance-offs and high buns. 

Question 1, does McKinley High not let kids out of the school for Thanksgiving? Someone check that out and get back to me and while I'm waiting on an answer I will blog.

GLEE CLUB LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN PIMPLE haaha that makes no sense but everyone can suck it!  

So all of the old kids (minus Lauren Zizes and Matt wtf) are back in the hizzy. Santana, Mercedes, Finn and Mike just spent the last week working on Grease together so I'm not sure why they're so excited to see each other, but one thing I am sure of, we are ALL so excited to see Quinny Poo and Puckasauras back in action at McKinley. Quinn's hair grew back out OR she is wearing a wig, but either way it seems that she has found a happy medium between psycho Quinn and nice Quinn, and I for one think it would be a great time for a Finn and Quinn backslide. (Repeats don't count! Let's get it on! )

But I digress, everyone is home for the Holidays, and Finn believes that the ND Vets can help him whip his sad sack of losers into shape before Sectionals, which apparently gives them all the right to walk around high school all day with no hall pass and interrupt everyone's lives.  Quinn and Kitty obviously were paired up, because Kitty is Glee's attempt to retain the magic and awesomeness of Lucy Caboosy, and Santana was matched with the Ball of Nerves formerly known as Marley.  The Unholy Trinity reunited to perform together just as they had 3 years ago, (I loved the performance of course but if that was performed by anyone else I would be annoyed that weren't doing anything not plot related) until things took a turn for the worst DUN DUN DUN. After Santana started doggin on Quinn's girl Kitty, it was revealed that Quinn is yet again "all excited about defining her life by another guy" and is banging a 35 year old married man! LOUDER! I'm just saying you could do better bitch. And they slapped each other but that's all that ready came of that. Also, Mercedes was cloned.

In the big city of Nyader, Rachel and Kurt made some bold and awesome statements like "forget about guys we are on the verge of become the best versions of ourselves" and then completely forgot they said that by the following scene. Brody and Rachel had a loud ass conversation in dance class about the Kate Hudson humping but not to worry, the pique turn exercises are a thing of the past and we are on to the Foxtrot!  Rachel forgave Brody and invited him to Thanksgiving, where SJP and her gang of Queens joined in on the KIKI!!! Brody read my mind as we both simultaneously asked "Wtf is a Kiki?" and I'm not sure still but I know that I wanna have a KiKi all of the days of the year. So Rachel and Brody are adorable... but they are only runners up in the 2012 Week After Thanksgiving Couple award, after that heart-wrenching and wonderful phone conversation between Kurt and Blaine.

Literally just as the thought "is Blaine in this episode" crossed my mind, Kurt called Blaine on his ugly horrible Droid phone and here are the notes I wrote down on my phone as I watched. Enjoy:

"Omgggggggggg my life is hanging in the balance!!! Omg blaine!!  Favorite scene of all time!!!! I love you toooo ahhhh!!  I want SJP to be my mom"

So there is hope left in the world after all. But Blaine was looking a little bit INSANO IN THE MEMBRANO DOME EL REMOTO MR. ROBOTO.

With all of this love and Thanksgiving dancing going on, Sectionals became a literal sideshow, as the New Directions tried to pull a reverse Wizards and remain unbeaten in the category.

Ok, is it just me or did everyone know from the first minute of this episode that Marley was going to pass out on stage? Widdle Marley can't decide if she wants to be super-motivated and awesome or shaky little naked mole rat, so she wasn't eating anything but one tic tac and taking laxatives. (Hey Rachel Berry, do you ever get narvous... didn't think so!)

Sidenote: Jake and Marley are apparently full-on dating.  And it seems like Jake and Ryder are full-on BFFS now by the apple pie sex convo (gwoss) and jibberish. I need an idea of where this story is going because I don't get this friendship or love triangle in the slightest it's not even a triangle it's like an orb of Osmosis Jones and niceness that sings and dances and wear newspaper boy hats.

Finn chose to sabotage the Glee Club but making them perform "Gangnam Style".

In Korean. With Tina singing lead. Riiiight. The only good thing that came out of this is we got to see a lot of White Chocolate stripper dancing to which I say hell yeah.

At the actual competition, the Warblers let out one whistle and I already knew they were going to be better than the New Directions. A few notes on their performance:

1. I had no idea how they were going to make "Whistle" work but that's because I forgot that it's not an actual rap song and that Florida is one of the strangest music "artists" ever who is only known for the girls singing hooks in his songs and everyone could care less about the "rapping" or "singing" that goes on in between. I guarantee there isn't one person in this world who is a Florida fan or whose fave song is by Florida. (Well I can't guarantee it, but you know what I mean.) Also, as I'm writing this I'm pronouncing his name in my head like the state of Florida not like Flo-Rida so re-read it again and you will find it way funnier.)

2. That being said, I loved Whistle! Classssic Warlbers pegging.

3. Bassy still looks weird to me.
4. Did we really need a One Direction interpretation that sounded exactly like the original?

As for the New Directions, even Teen Jesus (I cannot remember his name to save my life) and his prayer could not save the hot mess that is the New Directions. Tina's Korean baby voice (btw she is not Korean) was paired with some wack ass dance moves, they need to take some tips from these Gangnam Style Ballers and Shot Callers:

#1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqFFKCzWCsM

#2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGl1tCNo6M8

And what about the effing Marley/Blaine duet we were promised! You can't open the can and not spill the beans, Finn! Worst sectionals ever.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

The New York stuff was fun, Quinn is awesome, but it was kinda awk having her try to fit in again, and another blown Sectionals opportunity. But still cuuuute.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: I really thought it was going to be "Home" but at the last minute I am changing my vote to "Let's Have a Kiki/Turkey Lurkey!" Holla atcha girl.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Reiterate Gangnam Style. The humping on all fours was just vile.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Sam doing his own beat box and stripper moves. That dance will never die.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Everyone babying Marley all the time, because that kind of gal is my least fave. Just stop. Also weren't Quinn and Puck supposed to have a romance? Boo you whores.

Other Thoughts:

-Wanky

-Those dance moves Mike Chang was teaching were all kind of wrong

-Grool for everyone

-Oh speak of the devil I knocked up

-I'm obsessed with the French Revolution.... okay.

-Is anyone shocked that Rachel and Quinn haven't visited each other

-Quinn if you tell everyone about the secret society it's not a secret anymore duh

-She'll be coming round the moutajn icki icki yeah bounce that ass shake it girl

-Apparently Mike Chang can sing as well as Phillip Phillips. Duh Jessica Sanchez all the way!! Or maybe THIS PEOPLE.

-Artie got two lines.

Glist

1. Sam Evans - TROUTY MOUTH REIGNS SUPREME

2. Ryder- Come on Ryde the train it's a choo choo.

3. Rachel- Apparently there is a Thanksgiving song that exists outside of this one and RB was just so fetch singing it!

4. Puck

5. Blaine just because.

6. Quinn

7. Brody

8. Jake

9. Mike Chang

10. Kitty

Next week's episode:
Rachel will be doing some singing and Kurt is auditioning. Also Sam and Brittany? They need to get some better girls on this show. And Sectionals Part 2?