Vurry Kitty Purry, Everybody Knows I’m a MotherMonster, #DancingWitMiley & Billy Joel Cyrus

Why are my Glee blogs so hard to write these dayzzzz? #forcingit  Would anyone care if I stopped writing?  Whatever I don’t care about you people, muhfuckaz neva luvd us.

If you are a fair weather Glee fan and haven’t caught up on this season yet, I don’t know what you are thinking bout.  This season is Gone with the Wind Fabulous and since I am so behind on my Glee blogs I am going to catch everyone up on the last 3 episodes whether you like it or not. If you are never going to watch then Beth what can I do? Just read along and pretend:

These 3 episodes were all inspired by/tributes to caucasian musicians…

Episode Numba 1 that I’m recapping: A Katy or a Gaga

Episode Number 2 dat I will also be summarizing: The End of Twerk

Last One: Movin’ Out, Billy Joel Tribute

So we kicked off post-Finn but pre- Nationals, because again it is around April 2013 and the flowers are in full bloom… So let’s just imagine you need to know what everyone’s been up to... in the most sensical, non-rambling, organized way possible.

Yeah right, this is stream of consciousness at its finest. HERE TIS!

1. Mr Shue and New Directions

Ok so ICYMI, Mr. Shue is the coach of the Glee Club, or the supervisor.. or the chaperone. Not sure of the nomenclature. So Shue revealed the Glee’s club main competitors for Nationals which was leaked through the Silk Road and their biggest threat this year is no longer Vocal Adrenaline but a group called Throat Explosion which has to be one of the best show choir names they have come up with so far. Much better than ‘New Directions’ come on now. Upon hearing this news, everyone freaked out, and Tina let out a blood curdling scream leaving us to assume that the blood on the leaves prom episode didn’t do much to calm her dramatics. The New Directions felt threatened by Throat Explosion because they embody their weirdo outcast thing...anyway Mr. Shue had one of his only good ideas of the series, and instructed everyone to embrace the wild and tame sides of life by dividing themselves into angels (KP) and devils (Gaga). The Gagas were: Jake, (anger problem, hips that never lie) Tina, (gothic stage, used to have a fake studder, and the blood all over her prom dress thing) Unique, (Gender bender inc.) and Kitty (uses a whip during performances). Katy Perrys for boring reasons are Marley, Ryder, Artie, Sam, and Blainnne who didn’t get nearly enough shine this episode. So the challenge is for each group to do a song by the opposite artist, you get it.

The next lesson that Mr. Shue decided to teach was about twerking of course because I called this shit months ago and I am Gleenon, Prophet of the 21^st Century. This became a Glee Club theme of the week because the New Directions need to “edge up their image” for Nationals.

…Twerking ain’t new, someone re-branded hump dancing in the year 2013 and Miley Cyrus made it an even bigger more annoying white girl thing. We were "twerking" at middle school dances the early 2000’s but we called it backing that ass up… people are always trying to make fetch happen aren’t they? SHUT UP WORLD, shut up Mr. Shue.

Sue also wanted Shue to shut up and swore to ban twerking, which made the Glee Club even more determined to BLUR THE LINES chicka chicka yeah and then Sue tried to get Mr. Shue fired, but to save his skin Mr. Shue made a presentation to the school board, including the head of the school board TED of I FUCKED TED Fame. Mr. Shue went through all of the dances that used to be forbidden and predicted that twerking would become something that we are all used to one day… let’s hope not. Am I a grumpy old grandma for wanting people to stop twerking… are you still reading this blog???? So many unanswered questions.

2. Sue

So thats brings us to Sue, who is back at it again, just being rude for fanfares sake. Overall she was annoyed by Glee Club, and worked with my girl Bre (Bad Bitch Alert) to wreak havoc.

Sue instructed Bre Bre to break up Jake and Marley, because being a good principal always involves meddling in 15 year old love lives.  I wrote down that Sue dropped a Drake reference… REMEMBER?  NOPE. Hold my phone.  She suspended the whole Glee Club for wearing freaky Perry/Gaga outfits but in traditional Glee fashion all was forgotten the next week.

Sue also organized a career fair, where she took the opportunity to highlight that there is no such thing as a career in the arts. TELL THAT TO DEREK HOUGH AM I RIGHT YALL. Angel sent down straight from heaven omg if I had one wish like Ray J it would be to dance with Derek Hough at my wedding.

Anyway, just like Kanye warned us, haters always trying to stifle the creative! Sue was only doing it because she was scared of her own dreams probably! Direct quote, add an autotune to it, Yeezus out. Ok moving on..

3. SAM EVANS

Sam tried to get with Penny the school nurse again, who confused Sam by telling him she had a musical dark side. Honestly this story was so stupid but Sam got to talk a lot and rant about True Jackson VP so it was so more than worth it. Penny was being a dumb bitch and tried to reject Sam but of course she fell prey to his trouty mouth. But is a school nurse allowed to date a student?

So after that was settled, Sam tried to figure out his future-  his options included applying for Hunter College, becoming a stripper, or a model. I think. He had an interview with Hunter College… okay I have this whole line by line recap of his dialogue over the last 3 episodes but I could never do it justice. GO BACK AND WATCH THESE EPISODES, SAM WAS SO TOP NOTCH. But seriously, why can guys go shirtless on the beach and chicks can't?

He then focuses on the modeling dream, oh by the way this is all in NEW YORK CITY YALL. Hanging with Kurt, Rachel, Santana and Tyra Banks as a modeling agent. IT’S FUCKING TYRA TIME I can't even imagine Tyra preparing for this role, all i can think about is how many Vines did she make while getting ready for this. 2013 Update: She is a horrible actress but shine bright, shine far, don't be shy, be a star! She pressured Sam to lose weight, so he went on a Mentos and flavored air diet until Kurt, Santana and Rachel convinced him not to by singing a Billy Joel song. During this performance there were a lot of moments between Sam and Rachel… hmmmm interesting, always liked them as a couple…. Too soon? WHAT ABOUT PEGGY THE SCHOOL NURSE, SAM?!?!? Ummm and yeah Sam should definitely be a model, looking so fierce as a cowboy, business man, nerd, naked guy, DAMN! Damn!

4. BLAINE

Blaine is perfect. Over the last 3 episodes he was also thinking about his future, and went to New York audition for NYADA and look at other colleges. He apparently auditioned and it went well, but we did not get to see it or Whoopi… sometimes life’s not fair. He sang many Billy Joel songs, they were great, he is FLAWLESS and the emotion he puts into songs is just outrageously perfect. If you want more details just watch the show dammit.

5. BECKY

Sigh… I regret to even include this but here it is for all you Becky fans out there…Becky the Becretary was being BUCKWILD this whole time, Artie convinced her to look at colleges…ummm how the hell is Becky back in school, didn’t she shoot off a gun in school?

Anyway, Sue didn’t want to let her go, she was really protective and cute and asked all the right motherly questions like IS THERE WIFI ON CAMPUS???? SUE WTF DO YOU THINK?? Anyway, looks like Becky is going to college! It was cute ok??!?

6. UNIQUE

Used the wrong bathroom, caused a gender riot, actually had a great performance. My one comment is that Unique got all in a huff because some bullies threw her wig in the toilet. Seriously all they did was through your wig into the toilet, Kurt’s like was basically threatened and Rachel got an egg to the forehead so relax.

7. MARLEY AND JAKE

OK THIS IS WHERE IT GETS JUICY COUTURE VELOUR PANTS PEOPLE. So as we all know Marley and Jake have been the cutest couple ever for like a whole year now. He is a bad boy turned good, she is a good girl turned gooder. Marley is an uber Katy Perry (Mom worship, kittens, lollipops) and Jake is a Gaga, Rihanna, Bobby Brown etc. So while Bre was sitting back waiting to pounce, Jake and Marley were having issues because Jake wanted to go all the way, and Marley did not. They argued about it and it was so real, and then Jake ran straight to Bre to “help her choreograph” aka proposition her to have immediate sex with him.

So Jake and Bre got it on- I’m actually cool with this development, I think it all makes sense, except for the fact that it all unfolded so quickly. Apparently it wasn’t just a one time thing either! Wtf is wrong with Jake though? He needs it and he needs it now.

Bre continued to behave in a vicious manner and just flat out told Marley what was up!! LAWDDDD and then Marley came in like a wrecking ball and confronted Jake. All she wanted to do was break his walls and all he ever did was wreck her.

Then Jake tried to apologize and even left her flowers in her locker, but Marley wasn’t having it… which like bitch u better take his fine ass back… but she didn’t, which led Jake to embrace the man that he has become. He started pumping IRON while being a bad ass singer breaking out into song like his big bro woulda done while dancing around and singing about being left alone.  

Meanwhile, Marley sought out advice from her cafeteria lady mom, who advised her to hold out for a good guy- someone you can trust. PREACH CAF MOM. And it seems as though she still loves Jake but is glad she didn’t give him her V Card because he seems to be some sort of sex addict and is getting it in all over town.

…AND RYDER (8)

Ryder began by trying to talk sense into Jake about Marley, but ended in a full-court press on his BFF’s girl! (aka his real-life fiancé.. awwwwwwwww)

He asked Marley out and she rejected him while standing in front of a bunch of mirrors, but then he sang a Billy Joel song to her and asked her out again and she said yes. Up to this point I loved Ryder, except, what was he wearing during that performance, let me describe it… a salmon surfer shirt with an unbuttoned collar shirt with conflicting stripes. Anyways, Ryder and Marls went out on a date off-screen and when it was over Ryder committed one of the Top 10 Oh-No-No's and posted an effing INSTAGRAM recap photo of the date, complete with pink hearts drawn on that bish.

OK RYDER DOOD, Jake is your best friend I thought? And you are doing it wrong, every girl wants a guy who is a challenge and you ain’t it right now. But we will see how this unfolds! TRIANGLE IS BACK.

::::::NEW YORK CREW:::::

9. KURT

Kurt wanted to start a mainstream band that appealed to a mass audience. Makes no sense to start a band- when is the last time a band hit it big. Oh I guess One Direction- but they are teenage heartthrobs…anyway Kurt enlisted Demi and Santana to help- Rachel was understandably too sad about Finn to participate. He held auditions and the only person who auditioned was Adam Lambert who clearly lives for the applause and all of a sudden we were in a room filled with a cornucopia of Fox cross promotion (Glee, X factor, Idol) and Adam Lambert was hanging from a chandelier. Kurt rejected him for being too fabulous but Rachel talked sense into him and reminded him to let his freak flag fly! So now they have a pretty solid mixed gender group band going on holla!

10. RACHEL BARBARA BERRY
Love Rachel, she worked on her Funny Girl role a lot, and I wish that Brody was cast opposite because damn I miss him he was so wonderful.  She got a fake haircut and a fake tattoo, but turns out it was a real tattoo of Finn’s name. As soon as she walked into the bathroom to look at her tattoo I started sobbing. I am glad that are not behaving like Finn never existed. Rachel is fierce she will prevail!

11. SANTANA

Of course Santana came out of the woodwork several times looking and sounding flawless, these cast members are just the shit.. I wish Finn was here. Really sad.

Overall Grade for A Katy or A Gaga Episode: A

Overall Grade for The End of Twerk: A-

Overall Grade for Movin’ Out: A

NOTEWORTHY PERFORMANCES:

1. Applause- For Sam’s hilarious intro video alone, Blaine was unrecognizable in his get-up, also I didn’t know that Gaga was spelling applause in the song. The more you know about Target the more you know.

2. Roar- No clothes on, Rope swing, Get it demi, Artie swinging in wheelchair.

3. Blurred Lines- Mr Shue hitting the falsetto, not about date rape don’t fucking get me started

4. My Life- Jack Puckerman don’t let the haters stop you from doing yo thang

Unncessary Musical Numbers:

1. Honesty- Artie sang this to Becky a song… and this is where we go to classic Glee where they had a song they wanted to do and so they made up the dumbest shit ever to fit it in. I imagine when they were shooting this the crew members weren't even paying attention they were on their phones texting and sending snap chats like "Im so bored.” Artie sang a song to her about honesty so then he could then just explain it right after.

2. Wide Awake- One of my least favorite KP songs, so boring.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: One of the best moments of all 5 seasons was Sam’s interview with Hunter College but mostly this line: “This is a shot in the dark, do you know Mercedes Jones hahahahahhah”

Other thoughts and random stuff I want to include:

-“And while you’re out wipe your chin because there’s a butt on it”

-AMBER RILEY AND DEREK HOUGH YASSS GAGA

-“That was B.S… Before Sue”

- Shoutout to Neck Brace Girl holding it down she somehow got to stick around and Sugar Motta did not

- NENE (Coach Roz) NEEDS MORE SCREEN TIME SHE IS SITTING AROUND BORED AND GREG IS HAVING HER HELP CLEAN THE HOUSE AND IT'S MESSING UP HER ALLERGIES

- At one point Blaine and Sam hopped on a city bus and continued singing while a murderous Zack Galifinakis lookalike sat there in a hoodie.

-CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE BLAINE AS A DOCTOR OMG TOO PERFECT

-Blaine looked freakishly tan

-Ok seriously when are they graduating, it has been Spring 2013 for about 6 months now... Nationals can be that far away

Next New Episode:

Puppets… rolling my eyes. Good luck and godspeed!

Mo Beatles Mo Proms: Blood Diamondz

2^nd episode, 2^nd episode,

Took me forever to finish this blog, I was too busy sitting back eating bon bons and shutting down the government. John Beohner, ever since you came around it’s obvious you shut that thang down. You shut it down. You shut it down. Etc. I also am writing this on an Amtrak train and I can’t open Youtube so no links this week! EVERYONE CAN SUCK IT.

So anyways, Glee Season 5, episode 2. Ry Murph Loves de Beatles so we got more beatles!  And if there’s more less stuff then you might want to have some more and your parents just don’t let you because theres only a little.

Anyway, we want more we want more because we really like it we want more BEATLES and in their experimental years. Mr. Shue says not to be afraid of failure! So we will go forth, fearless.

Since it is April or May, (it is not) we are having a prom episode! Glee has no rules, and just does whatever they want whenever they want. As in the past, somehow Glee Club members are on the prom court. Prom King nominees are Blaine, Artie, some kid named Muhammed, which is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once,  and my main man Stoner Brett. The fact that Blaine wasn’t all 4 nominees is despicable and undermining.

The Queen nominees were Kitty Kat, who is a sophomore and Tina Cohen Chang who is just herself. And some others, but most importantly deez 2 bishes and Tina now has her chance to be bigger than Jesus. Upon the announcement of prom nominees, Tina promptly dumps Sam as her date, who so mercifully agreed to go with her last week. Like the dumb ho that she is. Just smh.

Anyway, so we were introduced to Bre, or Bri, or Brie, or Bree, can’t decide, last week, and this week she is back up in the building to make sure that a Cheerio wins the crown in 2013. Let us all remember that the last 2 prom queens have been non-cheerio Glee Club members, and one was Jewish (Rachel, but she didn’t really win) and one was a guy.

SPOILER ALERT: Bre is the best- I loved her little rant against Kitty and she seems to be pure evil and I’M SMILING BECAUSE I LOVE IT. She yells at Kitty for not campaigning and then puts up posters everywhere with Kitty’s head on Olivia Munn’s body. When I ran for homecoming queen some of my friends made posters for me and put them up but then I LOST but we are all losers so I guess sometimes it be’s like that. Hahah. In the meantime, Tina and her lacky campaign on the following platform: “Don't be racist, vote for Tina. If you don't vote for Tina you are racist.” THE RACE IS ON!

NEW YORK CITY UPDATE:

Santana and Rache are still working at the restaurant when they where costumes and sing and dance, and Santana has her eyes on Dani/Demi Lovato. And Kurt got a job there too.

**Congrats Naya on your engagement and Drake song shout out! Way to go girl! **

Anyway, so Dantanya flirt, and Santana is scared because she has never dated a FULL ON LESBIAN, only half lesbos like her once true love Brittany S. Pierce. The mention of Brittany made me blink 5 times in a row. Demi and Santana are the cutest little couple ever, they sing “Here Comes the Sun” AS THE SUN COMES UP I mean you can’t take a Beatles song any more literally than that. ADORABLE.

In case you forgot, Kurt, Santana and Rachel are in New York trying to make it in the biz of show. Last week Rachel assumed that she wasn’t going to get the Funny Girl role, and this week she was knocked down to an even lower peg of loserdom when she found out that Santana got her first commercial deal.

OK that yeast commercial was quite possibly the best thing that has Glee has ever come up with. Hooray for comedy. @so_grool, go watch it now.

So Rachel tries not to be bitter about her friend’s successful yeast commercial, and while volunteering for the annual piano tuning workshop (???) Kurt gives her a pep talk and they sing and dance around to a Beatles song that I have never heard and never want to hear again. Sounds like something I made up when I was in my childhood singing group Caution. (See our Wikipedia page for hits like “Nature” and “Listen to the Music” @so_grool) On the bright side, Rachel looks flawless, and decides that she should no longer be afraid of failure (TYING INTO MR. SHUE’S LESSON OF THE WEEK OH MY STARS) and so she starts auditioning for everything.

Rachel, Kurt and Santana make a 2 year pledge/pinky swear to stay in New York and give it their all, and then their co-worker Gunther, who is probably the son of Gunther from Friends, points Rachel to a very hungry customer who wants an entire cake to himself. So apparently this restaurant makes personalized cakes, I mean this place has it all! Can I get a trouty mouth stripper to come out of a cake while singing and dancing? It’s the casting director, and he tells Rachel she got the part! Great reactions all around and we are so happy! Ummmmm that shit is about to be buzz killed next week and you all know it.

Back to Ohio, Sue is still principal of McKinley and has decided that because of the school’s abysmal attendance records, all of the students should get vaccinations. Am I remembering that right? Because that makes little sense. Sue also brings up the very valid point that Glee Clubbers come and go as they please and have horrible school attendance and that she is suspicious that Artie may have polio…

Anyway, Sam is selected to go to the school nurse first, merely because he was standing with Mr. Shue at the time of Sue’s tirade, and also because he used to be homeless so Sue thinks he is diseased. If having bad bitch was a crime he’d be arrested. So he goes to see the new school nurse, who is this college sophomore nurse-in-training named Penny Owen. Sam falls in love with her (BYE BRITTANY) and thinks of every excuse in the book to go see her, including biting his own arm hahahah, going to a special HEMLOCK maneuver class, and trying out his new Denzel impression (which was flawless). Gosh I love Sam. Other things happen with the nurse almost getting fired but really, who cares? It’s time for Prom!

Spring/Fall prom opens up with a bunch of fools on the stage dancing around in some horrible head-to-toe Satin outfits. (Marley, Unique, Jake, Ryder etc singing St. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts) In a shocking turn of events, Tina struts in looking fierce as shit with her gaggle of bitches following behind. The freakshows on stage continue to perform, and I must say Marley is working it out, but more importantly I NEED JAKE MARLEY AND RYDER TO GET SOME MORE ATTENTION!! I guess they will when others graduate.

And after a few moments it is already time to announce the new PROM KING AND QUEEN! Enter Sue, with one of her best rants in a while, highlights below:

1. Didn’t think it’s possible, you've made me hate the Beatles

2. Your lives are so insignificant that you think something like this (prom queen) matters

All the while Bre is looking at Tina’s lil assistant (forgot her name, let’s call her Ruby) because she convinced her to do something evil. And the Prom Queen is….Tina Cohen Chang! Glee Club is 3 for 3 y'all! Prom queen dynasty!!!! Cue the slow motion acceptance, as Ruby is about to reign down terror onto Tina and Kitty is like nooooooooo and bucket of what looks like BLOOD pours all over Tina. Pure terror and disgust, I think it was supposed to be Red Slushie but it looks like they were trying to recreate the movie Carrie which I have never seen but I get the reference. The entire sequence was insane and there was a lot of Bre standing there looking FIERCE laughing in slow motion. Glee really did the impossible by making me feel sorry for Tina…

Like with Kurt’s coronation 2 seasons ago, Tina runs out of the auditorium humiliated, and the entire Glee Club runs in slow motion after her into the choir room. Being the beautiful people they are, they sing Hey Jude as she gets cleaned up and she rocks Kitty’s dress even better than Kitty did. My world has turned upside down, I am complimenting Tina. Take a sad song and make it better! And I’m crying.

YES TINA. She BETTER WORK. She looked stunning. Congrats. Now get out of my life.

In the last few seconds of the episode, Coach Roz and Bre are in Sue’s office so that Bre can be punished for blood dumping on Tina.

However Sue though the prank was hilarious and top notch, so she rewards Bre by making her captain of the Cheerios and buying he a Le Car. In her words, “Glee Club needs an enemy to win Nationals” and sorry I had to write down this whole quote, “I once sang on stage with them in plaid pajamas and now I don't think they found me quite so scary.” So the Glee Club has a new anemone. End scene.

Overall grade for the Episode: A++ THE WRITING WAS AMAZING, great jokes, just all around perfect episode.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Hey Jude. Performed by the New Directions. YES BLAINE. Crushing it.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Get back performed by Kurt and Rachel. Get back is right.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Tina got cut OFF from singing her Beatles song hahahahaha. YA CUT OFF

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Underage drinking is very bad… but I gotta fake id though. Just rambling, I liked the whole thing.

Next Week’s Episode: Finn tribute. Need I say more?  Will probably not write a blog… because I don’t want to. I just want to cry and throw a tantrum.

Other thoughts:

-“I don’t give a flying fart” BRE IS MY NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER

-Clearly the nurse was all about Sam’s gooey gooey.

-“I bust moves literally” = best pickup line ever

-Stoner brett deserved to win King let’s be honest.

-This school is due for a normal prom queen announcement. There’s no way Unique doesn’t win next year

-Kitty brought a back up lounge outfit to prom- after prom outfit I'm sure. Going to the Y for fun and games

- Sue’s analysis of the Glee club’s Nationals preparation: “in the middle of the inevitable journey song they will sing at nationals after deciding on it at the very last moment”

-Emma hasn’t made an appearance

-Guessing my girl Sugar Motta is owt.

-Wonder how long Ryder and Marley in real life will be engaged? Guess whose it is… guess whose it is… it’s yourrrrss Ryyydeeeer (remix)

-I’m guessing they will not be able to do a prom episode in the spring… toooooo many prommmmmz

-I wonder if anyone tried to spike the punch? #thoughtsofatruepsycho

Blame it on the Beatlejuice #NWTS

Season 5!ve is on and poppin and I’m truly shocked that we made it this far. When you see Gangham Style used as a Glee Club competition number you gotta kinda feel like the end times are near… and then with no more Finn, it is hard to believe that Glee can be Glee again. I guess we’ll see if it was a good decision to bring Glee back…I don’t know if Glee can ever really be happy again, I don’t know if I can ever watch again without thinking of the actors and how they must feel when they are pretending to be happy. But they are just trying to make us feel better and make themselves get better. And I can’t even count how many e-mails, messages and calls I have received this summer telling me that MY BLOG is the glue that is keeping this whole world together so I will press on.

First two episodes of the season are centered around “The Beatles” if that’s your real name. This apparently has been in the works for two years and the scripts have been written for years. Doubt that’s true, but if it is then hire me as a Glee writer right now because I could have come up with that exact same script in a few hours, back when I was 13 years old writing in a marble composition notebook. Bitches gotta start paying me for this. Can't get no more free Randy.

So let us catch up with everyone shall we…kinda forgot how to write a blog so this will be more blah blah than anything else… but as Destiny Hope Cyrus would say “forget the haters cuz somebody loves ya.” (How soon until Glee tackles the Miley Cyrus transformation as an adolescent issue and has Marley or Kitty slutting around with a huge foam finger and tongue wagging?)

ANYWAYZ, in New York, Rachel Barbara Berry is doing a read for her dream role in Funny Girl, so basically just serving up her best Babs impersonation for da fans. But there were some looks and some pauses so Rachel assumed it did not go to plan, and this was confirmed when she overheard the casting dudes saying that she was too young and green. So she thinks pensively while holding onto the Finn necklace (dagger) and breaks out into the first Beatles song of the episode, “Yesterday”. Okay. So I guess we can try to convince ourselves that she was so devastated about not getting her dream Broadway role and that was the inspiration for the song. But we all know that this song was really just Lea Michele singing about Cory. Singing “why he had to go,” while walking on the bridge where Rachel and Finn professed their love… just makes me want to sob. Like in no way, shape or form does this relate to not getting the role. Probably the glee writers knew that they couldn’t start this episode cheerfully, so the somber opening number went down and I feel like I’m going to vomit, cry and eat tons of carbs within the first 5 minutes.

Onto happier times, Rache and Santana are now waitresses at a song and dance diner, which I predict will be Season 5’s version of Cassandra July’s dance studio in terms of impromptu dance numbers that have no rhyme or reason. The Funny Girl casting director shows up to the diner, Rachel sasses him and then shows him what he will be missing by singing and dancing round the tables.  Yeah, wasn’t that good, neither was this whole plot line, but I don’t care and the fact that Lea Michele is not a broken down doll curled up into a little ball of despair is so amazing and inspiring so I’m just happy that she at least had a day to freaking be with her friends and dance and sing and that’s all im gonna say about the matter! Tribute episode is gonna be brutal. Yikes.

So back at Mckinley…
It was good to see everyone back in the Glee Club dressed in rainbow colors and not giving a fuck that Brittany, Sugar and Teen Jesus no longer attend the school. We walk in on what seems to be an ongoing convo between Mr. Shue and the NDs talking bout the Beatleborgs and how doing their songs will help them on their GLEE CLUB DYNASTY- because apparently it is still spring 2013, no one has graduated, and Nationals are still some vague idea in the distance. Everyone except Kitty and Unique (a little on the black side) are into the Beatles so we do that Glee thing where we use song lyrics to help us come up with plot ideas.

Plot idea number one that I’m curious to know if anyone in the globe cares about: Kitty Kat and Arthur becoming a couple. Artie starts rolling Kitty around in his wheelchair and they sing a song about bumper cars at a carnival. (also PINK BEAR ALERT wtf is this Breaking Bad connection everywhere I turn?!! Heisenberg about to pop up in Lima yall!) Whilst at said carnival, Kitty is spotted by a mini-Santana Cheerio who passive aggressively makes fun of Kitty for dating such a SUPER LOSER like Artie. So the two of them become secret lovers for like 1 day. (OK EVERYONE PLEASE CLICK THAT LINK IF YOU WANNA SEE DRIZZY READING ABOUT TINY TIM IN A BRITISH ACCENT.) It seems to be going okay until Godzilla aka Rosy the Nosy Neighbor aka Tina Cohen Chang gets all up in their business and calls Kitty out for being a bitch. Kitty apologizes and decides to make it facebook official and still no one cares at all. Like not one care was given on this shit.  Next.

WRONG MESSAGE ALERT:

Because Tina is such a lonely, angry bitch to everyone, all of the hottest guys pay attention to her by serenading her (with the cutest Beatles tribute evaaa) and asking her to prom. Way to reward negative behavior guys… gosh. And now Tina gets to go to prom with possibly the best date of all time, Sam Evans. Although his hair looks horrible again somebody come at him wit sum shearzzzz. (Prom next week.. eek!)

Next. Sue Sylvester.

So last time we saw Sue, she was fired because of the “gun” that she “brought” to school, which “actually” had been brought by “Becky Buckwild” aka the “Becretary” aka Rebecca Black.  Apparently Becky fessed up and only faced a one-month suspension as a punishment. Riiiight. And in the meantime, Sue went out of her way to get Principal Figgins fired by framing him for all sorts of icky crimes against principaldom. So naturally, the superintendent turned to the person that was just fired a month ago to become the new principal. Makes perfect sense in the Glee world of logic.  So Sue is principal, which sets up the NeNe (hallelujah holla back) and Mr. Shue talking bout practice , because now they both have to win National Championships or Sue will fire them. Seems fair. Also, Nene has been shopping at the Billy Dee Williams store for hair helmets for women who couldn’t possibly be less blonde. Glee has REALLY used up the Sue as a villain storyline, but they still couldn’t help but have her terrorize Janitor Figgins by kicking over a bucket of slop for him to clean up. SUE COME ON MAN. Leave Figgins be! Why you gotta do him like that?

So it’s safe to assume that this has been a horrible year for Glee, but when we are down, there is one universal anecdote to lighten the mood, and that is a surprise marriage proposal executed via group song and dance. We all knew this was coming so this is how it played out:

Kurt reluctantly agrees to date Blaine again during their picnic on the quad and they enter into a no-cheating contact, because if Bethenny and Jason Hoppy can’t make it, how can any of us commoners stand a chance??? They break out into a Beatles song that I don’t know because I have never listened to the Beatles as much as I know I should. Blaine sounds flawless and I’m like BEEP BEEP BEEP WHOA WHOA WHOA AOOOOGA CUTE COUPLE ALERT.

The natural next step of course is for Blaine to immediately decide that he wants to take this 1 day old relationship to the next level by proposing to Kurt, and announces this to the Glee Club because Mr. Shue has no control over his students and everyone knows it. Blaine needs their HELP… soooo another Beatles song comes on. I can only imagine how that session in the writer’s room went…

Okay guys.. so what Beatles song can we do next? We need to get “Help” in there somehow. Okay let’s randomly pull a character’s name out of a hat…Blaine it is! Now what could he need help with? Hmmm let’s say he needs ‘help’ with the proposal so that global acceptance and universal love can reign above all. I think he should just scream out the word “Help” randomly and that will start the song. Done.

Help. Another dumb segue. Ok but it was cute and we got to see ole Bassy again!

And as you might have guessed, the proposal was perfect. Burt Hummel is back, and he is bound to be at the Heisenberg stage where his cancer is in remission so he doesn’t have any reason to stay in the meth cooking business except for his own foolish pride but he still has a good relationship with his loving son so he drives him to the proposal. (Am I right all my #breakingbad fans out there wooooo!) Kurt admitted he knew about the surprise proposal, and Burt made some great points about marrying young, and how he wishes he could have only 10 more minutes with his dead wife, which of course in my mind equates to him meaning he wishes he could have 10 more minutes with Cory Monteith. Sobbing commences right about… now. They pull up to Dalton Academy, and Santana, Mercedes and Rachel B. are there waiting. And I’m just thinking… thank you Glee, we need this… ALL WE NEED IS LOVE. And it’s on and poppin with Vocal Adrenaline, the Deaf Academy and the Warblers, all trying to express to Kurt how he should marry Blaine. Kurt looks absolutely horrified the entire time,  I mean did JUST reluctantly agree to DATE Blaine again. But come on Kurt, how could you not be all for engaging yourself to the most perfect human being in existence – especially after that FUCKING SPEECH he gave. And if my future husband doesn’t feel that way about me then Im out. Kurt said yes- and I was choking/coughing on tears. Go Klaine.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B +

Blaine saved it. It was fine but it was like a disjointed Beatles dream that didn’t make sense. But not a bad dream just a mumbo jumbo of clouds, unicorns and bright yellow.

Fave performance of the episode:  All You Need is Love performed by Blaine and his posse full o show choirs.

Least favorite performance of the episode:  They were all so freaking good so it’s hard to pick a bad one but it’s hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a dog so I pick that one.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Return of Trouty. And return of Coach Roz who stole her Lexus off a used car lot.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Sue picking on Figgins- it ain’t right! His receptionist is a saint you best treat her right!

Other Thoughts:

-Unique is bound to be irrelevant

-They need to focus on the hotties at hand aka Ryder, Jake and Marley

-So Brittany left McKinley immediately to start MIT mid-semester… dat bish pregnant

-What if Kanye West was in the Glee Club

-Kurt taking a long break from classes I hope Whoopi doesn’t find out

-The mention of Mike Chang’s name makes me want to pas de chat

-Kitty Kat is like the first glee club member in history not to like breadstix

-Isn’t Jesse St. James the coach of Vocal Adrenaline? Shoulda been there… another regret of 2013

-I’m so ready for them to cover some Justin Timberlake and by them I mean JAKE PUCKERMAN

-Everyone seemed sad though… #NWTS

Next Week’s Episode: Has the word TINA in the title. Brace Yourself World. Guessing there is going to be great material for this blog…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnhyouPcBAc