Mo Beatles Mo Proms: Blood Diamondz

2^nd episode, 2^nd episode,

Took me forever to finish this blog, I was too busy sitting back eating bon bons and shutting down the government. John Beohner, ever since you came around it’s obvious you shut that thang down. You shut it down. You shut it down. Etc. I also am writing this on an Amtrak train and I can’t open Youtube so no links this week! EVERYONE CAN SUCK IT.

So anyways, Glee Season 5, episode 2. Ry Murph Loves de Beatles so we got more beatles!  And if there’s more less stuff then you might want to have some more and your parents just don’t let you because theres only a little.

Anyway, we want more we want more because we really like it we want more BEATLES and in their experimental years. Mr. Shue says not to be afraid of failure! So we will go forth, fearless.

Since it is April or May, (it is not) we are having a prom episode! Glee has no rules, and just does whatever they want whenever they want. As in the past, somehow Glee Club members are on the prom court. Prom King nominees are Blaine, Artie, some kid named Muhammed, which is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once,  and my main man Stoner Brett. The fact that Blaine wasn’t all 4 nominees is despicable and undermining.

The Queen nominees were Kitty Kat, who is a sophomore and Tina Cohen Chang who is just herself. And some others, but most importantly deez 2 bishes and Tina now has her chance to be bigger than Jesus. Upon the announcement of prom nominees, Tina promptly dumps Sam as her date, who so mercifully agreed to go with her last week. Like the dumb ho that she is. Just smh.

Anyway, so we were introduced to Bre, or Bri, or Brie, or Bree, can’t decide, last week, and this week she is back up in the building to make sure that a Cheerio wins the crown in 2013. Let us all remember that the last 2 prom queens have been non-cheerio Glee Club members, and one was Jewish (Rachel, but she didn’t really win) and one was a guy.

SPOILER ALERT: Bre is the best- I loved her little rant against Kitty and she seems to be pure evil and I’M SMILING BECAUSE I LOVE IT. She yells at Kitty for not campaigning and then puts up posters everywhere with Kitty’s head on Olivia Munn’s body. When I ran for homecoming queen some of my friends made posters for me and put them up but then I LOST but we are all losers so I guess sometimes it be’s like that. Hahah. In the meantime, Tina and her lacky campaign on the following platform: “Don't be racist, vote for Tina. If you don't vote for Tina you are racist.” THE RACE IS ON!

NEW YORK CITY UPDATE:

Santana and Rache are still working at the restaurant when they where costumes and sing and dance, and Santana has her eyes on Dani/Demi Lovato. And Kurt got a job there too.

**Congrats Naya on your engagement and Drake song shout out! Way to go girl! **

Anyway, so Dantanya flirt, and Santana is scared because she has never dated a FULL ON LESBIAN, only half lesbos like her once true love Brittany S. Pierce. The mention of Brittany made me blink 5 times in a row. Demi and Santana are the cutest little couple ever, they sing “Here Comes the Sun” AS THE SUN COMES UP I mean you can’t take a Beatles song any more literally than that. ADORABLE.

In case you forgot, Kurt, Santana and Rachel are in New York trying to make it in the biz of show. Last week Rachel assumed that she wasn’t going to get the Funny Girl role, and this week she was knocked down to an even lower peg of loserdom when she found out that Santana got her first commercial deal.

OK that yeast commercial was quite possibly the best thing that has Glee has ever come up with. Hooray for comedy. @so_grool, go watch it now.

So Rachel tries not to be bitter about her friend’s successful yeast commercial, and while volunteering for the annual piano tuning workshop (???) Kurt gives her a pep talk and they sing and dance around to a Beatles song that I have never heard and never want to hear again. Sounds like something I made up when I was in my childhood singing group Caution. (See our Wikipedia page for hits like “Nature” and “Listen to the Music” @so_grool) On the bright side, Rachel looks flawless, and decides that she should no longer be afraid of failure (TYING INTO MR. SHUE’S LESSON OF THE WEEK OH MY STARS) and so she starts auditioning for everything.

Rachel, Kurt and Santana make a 2 year pledge/pinky swear to stay in New York and give it their all, and then their co-worker Gunther, who is probably the son of Gunther from Friends, points Rachel to a very hungry customer who wants an entire cake to himself. So apparently this restaurant makes personalized cakes, I mean this place has it all! Can I get a trouty mouth stripper to come out of a cake while singing and dancing? It’s the casting director, and he tells Rachel she got the part! Great reactions all around and we are so happy! Ummmmm that shit is about to be buzz killed next week and you all know it.

Back to Ohio, Sue is still principal of McKinley and has decided that because of the school’s abysmal attendance records, all of the students should get vaccinations. Am I remembering that right? Because that makes little sense. Sue also brings up the very valid point that Glee Clubbers come and go as they please and have horrible school attendance and that she is suspicious that Artie may have polio…

Anyway, Sam is selected to go to the school nurse first, merely because he was standing with Mr. Shue at the time of Sue’s tirade, and also because he used to be homeless so Sue thinks he is diseased. If having bad bitch was a crime he’d be arrested. So he goes to see the new school nurse, who is this college sophomore nurse-in-training named Penny Owen. Sam falls in love with her (BYE BRITTANY) and thinks of every excuse in the book to go see her, including biting his own arm hahahah, going to a special HEMLOCK maneuver class, and trying out his new Denzel impression (which was flawless). Gosh I love Sam. Other things happen with the nurse almost getting fired but really, who cares? It’s time for Prom!

Spring/Fall prom opens up with a bunch of fools on the stage dancing around in some horrible head-to-toe Satin outfits. (Marley, Unique, Jake, Ryder etc singing St. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts) In a shocking turn of events, Tina struts in looking fierce as shit with her gaggle of bitches following behind. The freakshows on stage continue to perform, and I must say Marley is working it out, but more importantly I NEED JAKE MARLEY AND RYDER TO GET SOME MORE ATTENTION!! I guess they will when others graduate.

And after a few moments it is already time to announce the new PROM KING AND QUEEN! Enter Sue, with one of her best rants in a while, highlights below:

1. Didn’t think it’s possible, you've made me hate the Beatles

2. Your lives are so insignificant that you think something like this (prom queen) matters

All the while Bre is looking at Tina’s lil assistant (forgot her name, let’s call her Ruby) because she convinced her to do something evil. And the Prom Queen is….Tina Cohen Chang! Glee Club is 3 for 3 y'all! Prom queen dynasty!!!! Cue the slow motion acceptance, as Ruby is about to reign down terror onto Tina and Kitty is like nooooooooo and bucket of what looks like BLOOD pours all over Tina. Pure terror and disgust, I think it was supposed to be Red Slushie but it looks like they were trying to recreate the movie Carrie which I have never seen but I get the reference. The entire sequence was insane and there was a lot of Bre standing there looking FIERCE laughing in slow motion. Glee really did the impossible by making me feel sorry for Tina…

Like with Kurt’s coronation 2 seasons ago, Tina runs out of the auditorium humiliated, and the entire Glee Club runs in slow motion after her into the choir room. Being the beautiful people they are, they sing Hey Jude as she gets cleaned up and she rocks Kitty’s dress even better than Kitty did. My world has turned upside down, I am complimenting Tina. Take a sad song and make it better! And I’m crying.

YES TINA. She BETTER WORK. She looked stunning. Congrats. Now get out of my life.

In the last few seconds of the episode, Coach Roz and Bre are in Sue’s office so that Bre can be punished for blood dumping on Tina.

However Sue though the prank was hilarious and top notch, so she rewards Bre by making her captain of the Cheerios and buying he a Le Car. In her words, “Glee Club needs an enemy to win Nationals” and sorry I had to write down this whole quote, “I once sang on stage with them in plaid pajamas and now I don't think they found me quite so scary.” So the Glee Club has a new anemone. End scene.

Overall grade for the Episode: A++ THE WRITING WAS AMAZING, great jokes, just all around perfect episode.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Hey Jude. Performed by the New Directions. YES BLAINE. Crushing it.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Get back performed by Kurt and Rachel. Get back is right.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Tina got cut OFF from singing her Beatles song hahahahaha. YA CUT OFF

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Underage drinking is very bad… but I gotta fake id though. Just rambling, I liked the whole thing.

Next Week’s Episode: Finn tribute. Need I say more?  Will probably not write a blog… because I don’t want to. I just want to cry and throw a tantrum.

Other thoughts:

-“I don’t give a flying fart” BRE IS MY NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER

-Clearly the nurse was all about Sam’s gooey gooey.

-“I bust moves literally” = best pickup line ever

-Stoner brett deserved to win King let’s be honest.

-This school is due for a normal prom queen announcement. There’s no way Unique doesn’t win next year

-Kitty brought a back up lounge outfit to prom- after prom outfit I'm sure. Going to the Y for fun and games

- Sue’s analysis of the Glee club’s Nationals preparation: “in the middle of the inevitable journey song they will sing at nationals after deciding on it at the very last moment”

-Emma hasn’t made an appearance

-Guessing my girl Sugar Motta is owt.

-Wonder how long Ryder and Marley in real life will be engaged? Guess whose it is… guess whose it is… it’s yourrrrss Ryyydeeeer (remix)

-I’m guessing they will not be able to do a prom episode in the spring… toooooo many prommmmmz

-I wonder if anyone tried to spike the punch? #thoughtsofatruepsycho

#HaveNone of the Lights: Bourree Monster Strikes Again

The power is out! Hasn't this school been through enough?? The humanity!

Yes, Glee created an episode on the premise that the lights went out so everyone has to cope with that musically... take a moment to digest it and move on. Let's assume that the darkness and lack of electricity was a metaphor for baring your soul and being innovative in music without the bells and whistle. Assume that was the point of this ridiculously- themed ep and let's go.

If all of you have been racking your brain asking yourself  "Is Ryder an idiot?" the answer is yes. Yes he is.  He still doesn't know who the catfish is.. even though he knows it is someone in Glee Club (or is it?) and yet he is STILL continuing to carry on a catfishian relationship with this person. Ummm, hey Ryder- why don't you just stand up in front of the club and say HEY GUYS WHO THE FUCK IS CATFISHING ME RIGHT NOW. OUT WITH IT. Instead he is just making himself look like more and more of a certified idiot by not finding out, and by telling all of his secrets at awkward times for no reason.

And his secrets did come out this episode, but let's rewind and work our way up to that incredibly awkward confession.

The lights went out, so Mr. Shue made everyone sing acoustic songs. Woooooo shutup. Trouty Mouth sang first and then randomly got in a tizzy about the merits of being able to function as an Amish (you were conceived to that depressing ass song??) and I cannot see anything that anyone is doing on the screen because THE LIGHTS ARE OUT AND IT IS DARK. So basically we hear and not see the following things unfold:

Ryder wants to find out who the catfish is, so he devises a sneaky plan to reveal his deepest darkest secret so that he can see the look on his glee club members faces, because the person who is NOT surprised would expose themselves as the catfish since they already know his deepest, darkest secret. Some of the best logic I have ever seen on Glee. So he sings a depressing song with full orchestration (thank God, Mr. Shue, I don't know what we would have done without that full orchestration) about everybody hurting, which seems like it now could to apply to everyone getting slushied. What... I thought they were popular now that they won Nationals, but apparently not- they are still Nerd Fergusons and everybody hurts. For a second I thought that his deep dark secret was that he was the one behind the slushy-ing for the last 3 years or that he was on this secret show before high school called The Glee Project Season 2 but it turns that he was molested by his 16 year old babysitter as a child. LOUDER.

Ok by the way during this episode everyone was doing a lot of texting, which I'm surprised I even noticed since the screen was PITCH BLACK but the biggest texters were def Kitty Kat and Artie so they are my front-runners for Catfish of the Year.

So back to Awkward City, Ryder was molested, but his male friends don't think it was so bad because his babysitter was a girl and he basically was getting acting as an 11-year old so he should be proud. (We should have known that this Glee Club doesn't think much of child molestation because of all of the Michael Jackson worship. ZING.) Overall, this was just so uncomfortable and awkward. This kid Ryder has some issues. Mainly because he chose to tell everyone in his extracurricular activity about the child molestation, but also because his decision to tell everyone was based on the premise that this would help him figure out who the catfish was which failed miserably because UMMM IT'S DARK AS FUCK THE LIGHTS ARE OUT GENIUS so he couldn't see anyone's reaction. hahahahaah as I wrote that I just cracked up laughing THIS SHOW IS BONKERS YALL and I love it.

All the while, Kitty is looking at Ryder with some crazy eyes, and it turns out that she has also been molested, so they go on a date and bond and it is actually pretty sweet in an icky and depressing way. I'm not opposed to this combo. (Puck broke up with her apparently. Kitty, that is no reason to tell lies; Puck is beautiful and always will be so bite your tongue.) But THEN later when Kitty tries to take Ryder out to Subway (awwwwwww) he ditches her so he can spend more time catfishing on the interweb. So if you are here trying to figure out this mystery with me, it would seem as though Kitty is NOT the catfish because he was "pinging" Cattyfish almost the exact same time he was talking to Kitty. But then it also could be plausible that she IS the catfish and is just a really fast texter and the reason she is getting so upset is that she doesn't know how to tell Ryder that she is the Fish of Cats. Either way, it seems as though Kitty really likes Ryder, and he is just confused about life so I'm sure by the next two episodes all will be revealed and we can finally get some closure on this awkward situation that has taken place at McKinley High. What if they carried this mystery out until Season 5 I think I would throw myself in a lake.

***UNNECESSARY BUT YET COMPLETELY SATISYING PLOT ALERT***

Artie got inspired by both Sam's Amish lifestyle and the sweet sound of a crunching water bottle and got everyone to perform "We Will Rock You" with household items which was COMPLETELY stupid until Jake the Snake decided to tap dance and turn and make it all worth it!

In completely unrelated and unimportant news: Sue is no longer a teacher or cheerleading coach, she is an aerobics instructor for a sexually charged group of twenty-somethings and Blaine. Coach Roz and Becky Buckwild are not getting along, mostly because NeNe thinks Becky is Sue's full grown baby child teenager, and Becky makes fart noises everytime NeNe blinks. I am too tired and burnt out to even try to understand that aerobics class, or why anything is happening with these characters so I am just going to erase it from my memory, only to be reminded of it again in about 5 minutes when I re-read this blog several times.

And in this week's daily dose of NY life in 5 points.

1. Rachel and Kurt have an intervention with Santana because she has become a cage dancer and is not using her talent to the fullest. "You are the most talented person I know, obviously with the exception of me and Kurt." TDODO.

2. Izzy (SJP) is still's Kurt's boss and she invited him and his friends to come work VIP aka sing on stage at the NYC Ballet Gala.

3. Burt Hummel is doing better- thanks for the update Glee.

4. Apparently, Rachel, Kurt and Santana were all transformed in their younger years by taking ballet class. All 3 of your teachers should be fired and punished for the dancers that you turned out to be. And now Santana loves to dance. And looks amazing and just like CeCe from New Girl.

5. Santana and Izzy aka SJP were up on stage talking shit about their parents. Disrespectful. Kurt and Rachel had supportive parents so they will have none of that.

That's all folks.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B

There was just like no point for half of the shit that transpired and I couldn't see half of what was going on because you know, the lights were out.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: The Longest Time performed by the New Directions. Saved the musical performances thank God. Also Mr. Shue snaps weird.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Little Girls performed by Sue Sylvestor. I will never get back those 3 minutes.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: By far Jake tap dancing and doing 13 turns in a row. I rewound and repeated several times. FINALLY!

Least favorite moment of the Episode: Sue doing everything that she did. Mainly singing that damn song. Although I do know what it feels like to have your life controlled by little girls what up #AUDTREPRESENT

Other thoughts:

-Why does Glee promote scenes that aren't even in the episode like the one of Blaine trying to get the truth out of Becky Buckwild?

-Brittany took the week off to go get impregnated

-Sugar hasn't been in an episode in like a year and a half

-How are we supposed to believe that Sam Evans knows who Phil Spector is?

-Jessica Sanchez yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

-Sam should never be serious again

-My favorite quote of the night: (Yours truly as I was taking notes): "Wtf is this the land of idiots" -Rachel Southall

-Figgins always coming with the classic lines: "Your brains are to remain in the on position"

-Tina holding it down with her 1 line per episode. She is graduating in 2 episodes are they going to try to make it seem like she will be missed

-I can't beleive they mentioned Artie singing a Miguel song but didn't pull the trigger!

Glist:

1. Jake (snaps)

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Kitty

6. Rachel

7. Santana

8. Coach Roz

9. Artie

10. SJP

Next Week's Episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPMtR8GzOkE

Very Confused that a tribute episode is the 2nd to last one of the season. Looks like Kurt and Mersizzle are back and that Blaine is going to propose. And Kate Hudson. (meh) This episode could be great, horrible, or average, or any other adjective you can think of

In American Idols news:

Mariah Carey must go. Keith Urban is a little ladybug (in a great way) and Nicki Minaj actually makes sense and looks amazing.

My favorites:

1. Amber

2. Angie

3. Candice

4. Kree

Kreedom needs to get out of there! She looks so bored and scared. Angie is #inittowinit as they say so I believe the top 2 will be Angie and Candice.

Amber should win because she is the most believable as a real artist but Angie is really getting me week after week so we shall see!

Also, why isn't Jimmy Iovine a judge???? Maybe they told him he would have to take off that backwards cap and he was like NO DEAL.

#seacrestout