Surviving and advancing and dancing #IdolSave Week 8

Can barely type, early onset carpal tunnel possible scenario, lump in my throat, coming down with a higher fever with every passing second, got a blister on the back of my right foot, and blog's a day late. 

But maybe it's just jungle fever a la Adam Braverman. And we are blogging and recapping against all freaking odds people. 

The ballroom was quite the Survivor Island this week and WE'RE GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS with IMMUNITY for the highest score, dance-offs, Erin Andrews ending the World Series early so she could see someone do the worm on the dance floor, and so many comments about being super in-shape and nice bodies what would Ariana Grande say?  

I wrote a self-help book about Week 8 of Dancing with the Stars, the title is: 

Gravity's a Bitch Isn't it? A book about a blog about a ballroom dancing show in it's eighth week of it's 21st season by Rachel Southall

Chapter 1: Still Hard to Believe that Marc Anthony had Sex with J Lo

Plot Synopsis:

Latin Lover, Carlos is scared to get in touch with his inner salsa queen. No me ames. 

Plot twist: Witney and Carlos killed the salsa like me at a Bachelorette Final viewing party.  

Chapter 2: Shrek and Fiona Drop that Kitty Down Low 

Plot Synopsis:  

Classic rags to riches story. Spotlight shining too bright for small town hero, Alek, and he gets to be more famous than his friends for no reason. #muchtoofullofresentment Kitty brought out the whip and Lindsey's "ALL LIFT" strategy finally backfired when she slipped right out of Alek's big ole Shrek hands. 

Chapter 3: I Put a Tree between us and the Judges, the Andy Grammar Story 

Plot synopsis:  

A sweet tribute to Andy's mom is overshadowed by a Stevie Wonder tribute song that was not sung by Stevie Wonder. (smh) 

As if the tribute wasn't emotional enough, check this out: 

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH (spoiler alert! Oh I should've said it before) 

Chapter 4: Jesus can only Take the Wheel so much

Plot Synopsis: 

Mark Ballas, Spawn of Satan, has once again been paired with a Bible thumper trying to sway him over to baby Jesus. The classic "biblical" story of David and Goliath came alive when Alexis forgot the choreography again and added even more misery to Mark's life. 

But: her solo section was great! I don't hate them as much as I normally hate them. 

Chapter 5: Bang Bang into the Ballroom Backstreet Baby Boy 

Plot synopsis: 

Well, now we know that Nick Carter is not a virgin. Nick performed an ode to his wife and baby's mother and more tears were shed than normal. We learned the sex of the child on live TV and here is a little bit of foreshadowing for Nick and his soon-to-be Baby Buzz: 

Chapter 6: #BindiBacklash

Plot Synopsis: 

The apocalypse is nigh in this alternate universe where Derek and Bindi don't get a perfect score. Bindi internalizing her scaredness, blisters and bruises and channeled her idol Sophia Grace for her perfect dance. 

Wait that's not right is it... 

Bindi, this mirrorball is yours for the taking. Don't let Julianne's forced critiques about your shoulders bring you down. 

Chapter 7: For Those Who Ever Wondered if Toni Braxton was Born that Way?

Plot Synopsis: 

Tamar and Val do damage control as Tamar continues to flail her spirit fingers across the floor. Julianne is even more of a Nervous Nellie to give Tamar a bad critique and Toni Braxton is like "Leave my name out of it!"

Chapter 8: Pants Off Dance Off

Dance- off 1: Carlos/Witney vs. Derek/Bindi

Carlos made the biggest mistake of his life but volunteering to do the jive against Derek and Bindi. Derek opened his shirt just at the right time but wait... the judges all picked Witney and Carlos. Blasphemous. 

Dance off 2: Tamar/Val vs. Alexa and Mark 

Tamar is losing it for me. She just freestyled around while Mark and Alexa actually Cha Cha Cha'd. Mark won and they actually deserved it. 

Dance off 3: Andy/Allison vs. Alek/Lindsey 

Samba worm lolololol much respect Andy gets my vote 

Chapter 9: It's hard to say goodbye my love, hard to see you cry my love

Andy Grammar went out on a handspring so if I could quote his inner monologue "Honey, I'm Good" (GET IT) 

Week 8 Score Recap: 

Nick & Sharna	30+3=33
Tamar & Val	28
Bindi & Derek	28
Carlos & Witney	27+2=29
Alexa & Mark	25+2=27
Alek & Lindsay	25
Andy & Allison	22+2=24

More thots: 

- Best moment of my life: Shirtless Val and Carlos partner dancing on snapchat 

- Were the live viewers also accosted with holiday commercials?

- Erin Andrews couldn't let them live at the World series 

- Bruno is the most reliable judge by far and I so wish Len was still here

Highlights from the group text: 

- "The uggh Mark text makes an appearance at least once a week" 

- "So glad I shared that special moment with Nick Carter with live television" 

- "If I were a dancer on this show it would be guaranteed that I would fall running up the stairs to the red room"

- "We got a close up of mark doing some weird pelvic thrust so I was blinded for the rest of the dance" 

Next week: 

Sike I'm not sure what the theme will be!!!

(Really, Phyllis? Did he see Pam?) 

Let's just get your scores because really I can't with you: HALLOWEEN (WEEK 7)

IT'S HALLOWEEN NIGHT ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

Uggggghhhhhhhh blogging is so hard I can't just sit and enjoy the show or my life anymore. So much pressure writing and watching and watching and writing why have I burdened myself with this celebrity!!!! 

But it was a monster mash and there was a graveyard smash and a twirl and a snap honey yasss dance TWIRL dive turn work. 

Early recap particulars: Leah Remini was the fill-in host Part 2 and boy did she bring the goods this time. And no guest judge this week! Would've been a fitting week for Gary Busey to reappear and scare everyone with just a look. 

**SPOOKY AND SCARY COUPLES RECAPS FOR YOUR OOZING BRAINS**

Nick and Sharna

24 out of 30 

Beetlejuice: Nick is such a cry baby, which is a little bit of foreshadowing because he and his wife are having a baby! (found out post-show, but felt like it was germane to this conversation) (this is a conversation with myself) (Congrats also going out to Jason Mraz!). Anyway, he whined a lot about being an intense competitor as he is known to do. Oh and he and BSB did a concert! (Thanks Shade Room). Once again, smelled a whiff of slight shading of the Carter family when he said Halloween was one of the only times they made happy memories. AARON OH AARON
Why do you dance so scary: Their Halloween characters were Frankenstein and his bride in a spooky and eeeeriiie Argentine Tango. I'm drawing a blank on the story of Frankenstein. I know the "ex-wife" reference on Mean Girls but was Frankenstein scary? Need to brush up. 
Good, bad or ugly: I though he looked wickedly wack. I'm a Nick fan but that was a hot bubbly cauldron aka magic pot of mess. 

Emma and Hayes

26 out of 30 

Beetlejuice: Hayes, VINE STAR, is the most adorable gawky beautiful young ingenue I've ever seen. He should date Zendaya. He just wants to be great and nice what's so wrong with that people let the boy dance!!! 
Why do you dance so scary: Hayes played a romantic WEREWOLF, and in Bruno's words, he was the most romantic teen wolf since Jacob Black in Twilight. I guess I agree...? Trust fall from the Gods. 
Good, bad, or ugly: It was magical. Hayes is the next Derek Hough yeah I said it.  

Alexa and Mark

27 out of 30

Beetlejuice: Note to self, any person who follows a statement with "You know that, right?" has a flair for the dramatics beyond comprehension and belongs in an off broadway production of Spiderman. Enter Mark and Alexa getting cozzzzzyyyyy in rehearsal to comfort her shrinking self esteem. Somebody (Carlos) come get her! 
Why do you dance so scary: if Mark Ballas ever had an "element" to be in, it would be a Halloween themed dance. They did an Edward Scissorhands dance which I guess was supposed to be scary. And Carrie Ann gave herself props for INCORRECTLY using a Britney Spears lyric to reference last week's B Spears dance. My head was spinning. 
Good, bad, or ugly: What's a goon to a goblin.

Tamar and Val

24 out of 30

Beetlejuice: Tamar and Val were clicking which led to Tamar proclaiming:"Im probably the best dancer in the competition." She is the best dancer sometimes, what's wrong with being confident as Demi would say. 
Why do you dance so scary: Tamar and Val did a freaky deeky dutch boy dance to "People are Strange." A lot of people were scared on set this week, but none more than Julianne Hough who didn't give Tamar a critique without saying "sorry" twice before and after. Tamar's scary eyes fit the theme this week. 
Good, bad, or ugly: The most notable thing about this performance was Leah Remini getting scared live on air. Watch here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDvB0y-p5T8
TAMAR WAS NOT HERE FOR IT. 

That moment has inspired me to scare at least one person every hour at my Halloween party. 

Andy and Allison

 26 out of 30

Beetlejuice: Andy thinks he is a contender now lol. Ever heard of Nick Carter, Andrew? 
Why do you dance so scary: They danced to "Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson aka the literal song of my nightmares and it "turned Julianne on". She was doing a lot on Monday. "Derek's racist sister?" as so_grool like to call her. 
Good, bad, or ugly: Snooze fest. Wake me up from the dead when September ends. 

#ThreatLevelMidnightFullLengthFeature let's get it trending 

Bindi and Derek

30 out of 30 (for those of you who are just joining us, Derek's third perfect score in a row) 

Beetlejuice: Derek knows exactly how to set-up the stories and this week's story was: Bindi, too sweet to be sour. Right before the dance started she hit us with the perfect lead-in quote "Never confuse kindness with weakness" HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE BINDI!!!! 
Why do you dance so scary: Derek and Bindi did an Argentine Tango as vampires. Nailed the theme obviously #ThatsSoHalloween 
Good, bad, or ugly:  I love this show, but I sometimes get distracted and half-watch the couples while typing and reading Kardashian updates. BUT HOLY MADNESS. Derek Hough. I watched this routine without breathing. HE CRACKED HER NECK. I really think they can win! And then to rub it in all of the other pros faces, Derek had the nerve to utter the words "I LOVE YOU" to Bindi and hearing him say the words... it was like my TV went into slow motion.  Then he shouted out Makeup Artists because Derek will not be defeated. 

Alek and Lindsay

25 out of 30

Beetlejuice: Alek was so BITTERRRRRRR at the judges. He is delusional about his dancing competency level, so they called in Artem straight off his motorcycle to tutor him. 
Why do you dance so scary: They had the nerve to butcher a Beyonce song. Don't remember what their Halloween characters were because I'm so off them as a couple. 
Good, bad, or ugly:  Lindsay on a hoverboard was kinda ite but everything else was BOOOORRRRRRRING.

Carlos and Witney

28 out of 30

Beetlejuice: Fun fact Carlos became the first dancer in the history of Dancing with the Stars to complain about being "overscored." Just trying to distance himself from the Pony choreography. 
Why do you dance so scary: Phantom of the Opera!! Witney's hair stole the show once again. 
Good, bad, or ugly: SO Fierce!!!! Carlos would be way better if he ditched the ball and chain aka his wife aka is it that serious aka if you wanna win my vote it is 

TEAM DANCES RECAP!!!! 

Give me a moment. 

They prefaced the team dances with the unbelievable statistic that Derek Hough has never ever lost a team dance. (Which everyone in my group chat already knew and what led me to go against my beliefs and pick Mark Ballas for high score but I digress.) If you have never seen a Derek Hough team dance then I don't know what you're doing with your life. 

From the moment the Captains were announced I knew we were screwed. Bindi and Nick were captains and because of Derek and Mark's tumultuous love/hate relationship, Derek always makes his partner choose Mark first. This was mistake #1, not only because now you have Mark on your team, but also because you have now pitted yourself against a team that has Val freaking Chmerkovsky. Mistake #2: Bindi picked Carlos and Witney over Andy and Sharna. Carlos is short. End of conversation. And then with the last pick, BINDI CHOSE ALEK OVER HAYES WHAT IS GOING ON.

I have a theory that Derek purposefully gave himself a weak team to either a) finally take the pressure off of himself to win the team dance and set up a nice comeback next year or b) take the loss on the team dance to anger his fans and set them into a voting frenzy for him and Bindi throughout the rest of the season.

Will we ever know???? 

#1 TEAM NIGHTMARE 

Such a stacked team. Tamar, Nick, Hayes and Andy. And Val and Allison are great group choreographers. Their concept was "monsters at dinner", with a sasquatch, Godzilla, King Kong, Loch Ness, goblin, ghoul and a zombie with no conscience. And the dance was actually flawless. I was mesmerized but terrified about Derek's group dance fate. 

Score to beat: 30 out of 30

#2 TEAM WHO YA GONNA CALL

So off. Wack as hell. I dont understand. 

Score: 28 out of 30 

And they lost and were like: 

ELIMINATION TIME!!! 

Now that Paula and Gary are gone, eliminations are so real. 

Couples in Jeopardy:
-Hayes and Emma
-Tamar and Val
-Alexa and Mark 

And the eliminated couple is: Hayes and Emma 

So you are going to tell me, that the week that Hayes called Emma his best friend, you are going to eliminate him? That's how you want to do this America?!?!? I can't even be mad I haven't voted all season what kind of hypocrite am I... I need some time to be alone with my thoughts..

Best of Group texts:  
"Evanescence is never a good idea"
"She prob thought it was David Miscavige" (Leah Remini getting scared by Sasha)
"Derek is a God sent from the dance heavens"
"Does Artem really wear leather regularly"

Other thots: 
All of the scares were so hilarious. The spider on Tamar was the best 
We got an elusive Tommy Chong reference which was pleasant 
I know it's on everyone's minds that Nick chose "Backstreets Back" way too early.
Is Beyonce really going on the lip syncing show? 
Can they do a Justin Bieber night pls 
Thanks for reading
Who made it this far
Code word is "EYEBALLS" if you did make it all the way to the end
Use of the code word will be revealed to you sometime in the near future

Can't wait for Halloween! 

Glee Hit it First - Brandy's Brother #FinallyFamous (Week 6)

Just when I thought I was done with blogging about Glee...

I dedicate this week's #WCW to myself for writing this blog despite a laundry list of things I need to do, but my fans are EVERYTHING to me so props to myself. 

WEEK 6 AND EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS!!! And by everyone I mean no one but my DWTS group text, but it's FAMOUS DANCES week! Not as catchy as one would like, but the premise was that each pro and star re-created an iconic dance that only musical/award-show lovers or GLEEKS would recognize. 

GLEE the television show, ever heard of it? Well if you haven't then I don't know how you found yourself reading this blog. It turns out that Glee and Dancing with the Stars have similar taste in performance numbers (or it's more likely that Glee just did way too many) so we are going to play a little game of GLEE OR DWTS but the fun part is that no one gets to play but me and I always win. 

I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me why Olivia Newton John was guest judge. For a dollar name a woman. Maybe it was Erin Andrews's job to explain ONJ's presence so she will let us know next week. 

Lets go back, back to the beginning...

HAYES & EMMA

"You’re the one that I want" from Grease

32 out of 40 points

Obstacles to overcome: Channelling Scientologist and High Thetan John Travolta and learning the plot of Grease.

Highlight of the dance: Wait backwards roll into handstand? 

How I feel: The shocking realization that there is a human on this earth who hasn't seen GREASE really threw me off my game. 

Judges comments: Olivia newton called him a Baby John???? Don’t wish that on him. BRUNO SAID SPLICE THE BEAT YASSSSS SPLIT THE ATOM 

How it compared to the Glee performance: I mean come on this isn't even fair. Every cast member was in this number, FLASHBACK effect to season 1 when Finn and Rachel first met. One point for Glee. 

Andy and Allison 

"Good morning" from Singing in the Rain

40 out of 40 points 

Obstacles to overcome: Andy trying to outdance Gene Kelly, Allison's feet might be swelling, etc. 

Highlight of the dance: So many props!!! I've never seen Singing in the Rain (wooops not very qualified to write this blog right) so I thought the whole thing was so fetch. 

How I feel: GO ANDY!!! Never thought he had it in him. 

Judges comments: Perfect scores so you can imagine. 

How it compared to the Glee performance: This was when Glee was going through its "Gwyneth" phase which was none too pleasing to this blogger. And a duet with Mr. Shue?  Mr. Shue is the Mark Ballas of Glee. One for DWTS. 

Alexa and Mark

"I'm a Slave for you VMA Performance" by the Legendary Britney Spears 

30 out of 40 points 

Obstacles to overcome: So many. Alexa hates Mark. Mark looked like Ernie Morton. There was a snake brought out for no reason. What's practical what's logical? What the hell who cares? 

Highlight of the dance: Back-up dancers SLAAAAYYYYYYED. 

How I feel: How dare you damage Britney's legacy more than she already has? 

Judges comments: Julianne scolded Alexa for disrespecting a dance created during the "Height of Britney" #knowyourhistory

How it compared to the Glee performance: I mean.... Brittany S. Pierce vs. Alexa. Glee's got this one.

Derek and Bindi

"I've had the time of my life" from Dirty Dancing

40 out of 40 points 

Obstacles to overcome: THE LIFT! Derek has never been more nervous in all of his DWTS seasons! Lol @ Derek trying to convince us that he is Hercules after Pain and Panic took his strength lololol Derek why you always lying

Highlight of the dance: THE LIFT! Derek Hough was not going to let that lift fail he locked his arms out and held her for 25- 100 seconds. 

How I feel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctp4vYcfjBM

Judges comments: My little star has gone supernova!!!! 

How it compared to the Glee performance: Even Quinn and Trouty Mouth's beautiful young love cannot compete with Derek Hough: The living and breathing Glee episode. 

And with that Derek gets 2 perfect scores 2 weeks in a row with 2 different partners

Paula and Louis

"Vogue VMA Performance" by Madonna 

24 out of 40 points 

Obstacles to overcome: Paula's general poor dancing ability and lack of filter. #teamhavinfun

Highlight of the dance: Not even a question those hot pants were strategic and they worked. 

How I feel: Where did they get all of these fabulous gay dancers? 

Judges comments: Tip-toed around the fact that they knew Paula was finished in this town

How it compared to the Glee performance: UGHHHHH COME ON THE POWER OF MADONNA SEASON 1 EPISODE when Kurt and Mercedes helped Sue overcome her insecurity about her short hair and really anything is better than Paula. GLEE! 

Carlos and Witney

"Pony" by Ginuwine from Magic Mike which is apparently a "famous dance" now

38 out of 40 points

Obstacles to overcome: Carlos is afraid of unholy thrusting in other words he doesn't want to lose all of the Jesus fans that he just won over

Highlight of the dance: EVERYTHING. You can't go wrong with this choreography. 

How I feel: I died somewhere near the beginning https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgAvehEDHYY Witney's hair I need those extensions for Halloween. 

Judges comments: "I think maybe you missed your calling." #somebodycomegethim

How it compared to the Glee performance: Seeing as DWTS and Glee Historian Maggie had to remind that Pony was even performed on Glee, DWTS wins this round. 

Nick and Sharna

"You Should be Dancing" from Saturday Night Fever

39 out of 40

Obstacles to overcome: YET ANOTHER JOHN TRAVOLTA REFERENCE where is Adele Nazim I want justice. Straight out of Leah (Scientology deserter, suppressive person) Remini's mouth: I THINK YOU DID JOHN TRAVOLTA PROUD DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF LEAH REMINI THEY WILL SNATCH YOU WHILE YOU ARE LIVE ON THE AIR! 

Highlight of the dance:  Nick Carter Knee Drops, Not once, not twice but THREE TIMES 

How I feel: Hearing Sharna say SAMBA like a hillbilly over and over really threw off my groove and I think Nick did well but he is getting out-danced and it's scaring me. John Travolta just has me in a scared head space right now.

Judges comments: Can't remember. I started online shopping. Good scores though! 

How it compared to the Glee performance: Despite the Blaine toe touch (below) that I'm sure I mentioned in that week's blog, I'll give it to Nick and his knee drops. 

Alek and Lindsay 

"Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis

30 out of 40 points 

Obstacles to overcome: The classic boring pro + boring star dilemma 

Highlight of the dance: Did not watch this closely enough to have a highlight...my eyes were crossing out of boredom.

How I feel:  Elvis never went to jail let's be real

Judges comments: Carrie Ann Wants Alek to take private lessons from Artem a la me and Marky Mark back in 2011. Me and Maggie just ranted about how boring Artem is so Carrie Ann I disagree. 

How it compared to the Glee performance: Glee never did Jailhouse Rock but look at this body roll though 

Tamar and Val 40/40

"Rhythm Nation" by Janet Jackson

Obstacles to overcome: Tamar's bitterness! She was mad because the judges correctly assessed her horrible switch-up week performance with Louis. And she was sick. 

Highlight of the dance: PONYTAIL. All of it really. 

How I feel: Didn't think it was perfect but she gave us Janet!

Judges comments:  Tamar had them shaking in their boots! 

How it compared to the Glee performance: This Glee performance came about in a time when even the Glee writers stopped caring about what the songs had to do with the plot. Young Puckerman killed it but did not come strong with the ponytail game. DWTS & another one.

Couples Ranking: 

Derek and Bindi 40/40****

Tamar and Val 40/40**

Andy and Allison

Nick and Sharna**

Carlos and Witney

Hayes and Emma 32/40

Alexa and Mark 30/40

Alek and Lindsay 30/40

Paula and Louis 24/40

All of a sudden the bad people getting eliminated makes it harder for me to be funny...  "that was good lol..that was also good haha ...lmao another good one... 

Elimination Time!  Paula and Alexa were in the bottom and Alexa took it very hard because SHE KNOWS!!! Mark will drag you right to the bottom of the barrel 

But Paula is out and acted like she was glad she got eliminated GOOD RIDDANCE I hope you had the time of your life 

OUTSTANDING QUESTIONS: 

- What does "Julianne doing Grease" mean? So confusing

- Can I get a replay of Paula falling backwards during dress rehearsal

- Not a question but Keo in Hammer pants and Karina doing Flashdance was beyond 

- Is Emma is becoming my favorite pro? 
- Derek has been training himself on speed and agility his whole dancing career and I have just been worried about pizazz and hairography where did I go wrong

NEXT WEEK: HALLOWEEN! GROUP DANCES! 

The bar is so high...