The Writing's On the Blog: Thou Shalt Get My DIVA on (Dizeeva613)

-->What an appropriate week to create a DIVA episode, after Beyonce done threw it down at the Superbowl Halftime Performance. When I hear the word "Diva" I think of Beyonce 90% of the time and Mariah Carey 10% of the time, and Mariah is only included because she is a raging lunatic with the voice of an angel. (She is a pleasure to watch on American Idol though.)

Let me tell you a story bout the call that changed my Destiny.

It all started with Destiny's Children.

This ferocious and fweaky episode begins with Finny Bear having fear about his job security and rightfully so. I mean he is a 19 year old substitute Glee Club coach awaiting the impending return of last year's National Champion coach. But Emma Pillsbury in her infinite wisdom is always there to lend a helping pamphlet, and she encourages Finn to bring out the inner DIVA (I think I have to write DIVA in all caps for the rest of my life) in his children of destiny so that they will be fierce competitors at Regionals. (Emma, don't congratulate Finn on getting the kids to Regionals. He did not do that. They lost in embarrassing fashion while humping around on the floor singing "Gangnam Style.") Every time Emma comes up with a weekly theme it works so much better than any other inspiration- so Femma explains the theme to the club and all the girls and gays are super into it.

DIVA TIME! All of the bitches in Glee Club start talking smack and then spontaneously combust into a Diva/Catwalk/Sing-a-long. Glee, I BEG OF YOU stop letting Brittany sing Beyonce songs. And Whitney Houston songs. It's just immoral. But anyways they throw Marley in a leo and Unique in another middle-aged church lady ensemble and Blaine in the most ridiculous outfit I've ever seen (I can't believe Darren Criss let them cloth him in that!) as they strut around and Ms. Pillsbury yammers on hilariously about her Cheesecake Factory human rights.

Then Beyonce Giselle Knowles emerged as the true star of the group and took down everyone in her path.

If a DIVA is a female version of a hustla, Santana is a female version of a Jesse St. James. Bitch is back! Yes, she is back again. She quit college and now is just around to wreak havoc and teach people how to be DIVAS. Apparently if you quit school and are kicked off the cheerleading team, Louisville Cheerleading still lets you not only wear their uniforms but also take 4 or 5 cheerleaders to Ohio during basketball season to perform a non-cheer routine at glee club rehearsal.

Santana is pissed that Brittany is with Sam because she's just saying Brit could do better. FALSE. Not even Kim Kardashian could do better than Sam Evans so bite your tongue Satan! Trouty and Satan had a sing off. It was strange. Glee needs to do better transitions into things, and the way the instrumental of the song came in it sounded like they were about to sing "tale as old as tiiiiime..." Speaking of, why don't they ever sing Disney songs??? That could open us up to a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view.

So it turns out, Brittany doesn't want to be with Santana, and Santana doesn't want to be the future Cheerios coach after Sue kicks the bucket. (Where is Sue's baby? Did they completely forget about that? We never even found out who the father was. Praying for Sandy Ryerson.) So Santana decided to bounce her bouncy-as-hell ponytail all the way to New York whilst singing Girl on Fire better than Alicia Keys could have ever dreamed of singing it. Good luck Santana, idk why you chose to borrow one of Marley's hats for your travels but good luck anyway.

Spotted: Neck brace girl. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS.

Sometimes when you are a DIVA you have to let lesser human beings shine to make themselves feel better. Enter Kelly Rowland.

Kelly is Beyonce's best friend, so sometimes Beyonce lets Kelly feel important so that they can remain friends.

In New York, Rachel is at her finest DIVA confidence level, which is when most people hate her but baby that's the reason why I love you. Especially love when she held up the sign that she is resting her voice, like the time she put duck tape over her mouth to protest Glee Club when Quinn and Sam sang at Sectionals. But Kurt is annoyed by this and decides to knock her down a few pegs so she stops acting like a little biatch. Kurt reveals that Rachel's Defying Gravity win was a farce and then challenged her to a MIDNIGHT MADNESS DIVA-OFF!

SMH.  Kurt. Listen, you are great. But you are Kelly. You do a fine job. But you are a sidekick. Which is why I call EXTREME BULLSHIT on the verdict of the Midnight Madness competition! Rachel was hands down way better. It's laughable that they are trying to make fetch happen on this! Kurt, you are annoying me right now- and you never do that! You know you lost. This is again blasphemous.

So Rachel has low self esteem again, just like when Destiny's Child broke up and Beyonce went into a deep dark depression! "The depression was so severe it lasted for a couple of years, during which she kept herself in her bedroom for days and refused to eat anything. Knowles stated that she struggled to speak about her depression because Destiny's Child had just won their first Grammy Award she feared no one would take her seriously." (Thanks Wikipedia)

In even bigger news: Blaine has a cold. Blainy Days! (WTF SERIOUSLY WTF). And if she hadn't already ruined any chances of me liking her, this week Tina done pushed me to da edge.

Which bring us to Michelle Williams. I'll let this link do the talking for me.

Tina is the worst. And she has taken her obsession with Blaine to the max, as she offered up her support of his sick body and then proceeded to semi-molest him while he was sleeping and then got mad at him for no reason. She has turned into a full-blown psychopath!

Idk why the Glee writers keep trying to put her front and center! She is Michelle, meant to add to the number and round out the group, maybe give her a couple of lines here and there, but never give her a full song, never zoom in the camera on her, especially while she is being shot out of the underworld onto stage. And in another blasphemous turn of events, Tina won the freakin Diva competition! To which Brittany yells in slow motion " she never wins anything" haha for good reason. I promise this blog is not an attack on Tina Cohen Chang I just get angered that the writers are wasting our time and undermining our Glee intelligence and talent judging skills! Just like if Destiny's Child made a song of Michelle singing lead I would probably just skip over that track every time. I don't want her kicked out of the group I just want her be grateful that she gets to breathe the same air as Beyonce and lip sync nicely in the background.

Moving on to another psychopath losing their grip with reality: Finn has gone and lost his mind. How can I relate Finn and Emma to Destiny's Child?   Can't really do this so I'll just relate this to the time Lil Bow Wow was dating Ciara. Finn found out about Rachel moving in with Brodacious and immediately started giving EMMA FREAKIN PILLSBURY the eyes. He called her Emma. He kissed her. Louuuuuuuuuuddddddddder Finn. Interesting and gross turn of events. Clearly Emma didn't want no part of that shit!

Overall grade for the episode: A-

I really enjoyed it for the most part, besides the blasphemous competition winners. The Finn and Emma thing was weird but I get it. 
 

Favorite performance of the episode: Bring Him Home performed by Kurt/Rachel or Don't Stop Me Now performed by Blaine just on principle alone.  Even though I'm so against wife beaters and Blaine did some way over the top lip syncing.

Least favorite performance of the episode: Hung Up performed by Tina. Like come on now seriously. Tighten up, Tina. Stop letting your head bobble around like its about to detach. Miley Cyrus backup dancer. And this song??? Of all Madonna songs???

Favorite moment of the episode: Such a genius moment- go back and watch if you can't remember. When Kurt and Rachel were arguing and Rachel says "I wouldn't do that babe" and Kurt says "Why nottttttt" with wide eyes LOTS OF LAUGH I watched that like 50 times.

Least favorite moment of the episode: Tina molesting Blaine while he was asleep. BY FAR.

Other Thoughts:

-How does Brody know the closest vicory margin of midnight madness history?
-Tay tay as a nickname for Tina. How does that even work?
- Emma is soooo good.
- Carl! Please show up at the wedding.

- How many days of the week can you say Raven Symone got a shoutout on your favorite show? Not never! Come for the partay stay for the coray.

-Arties line of the episode: But... uh... oh.

- Sue's line to Santana about the income needed to support those scientists working on her teleporters was so fetch

Glist:

1. Rachel

2. Emma

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Ryder

6. Jake

7. Sugar

8. Kitty lookin fierce with that straight hurr

9. Santana

10. Brody

159. Tina

Next Week's Episode

Wemma wedding!! Or will Emma run away with Finn? I have super high expectations. Don't let me down Glee. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7QMP5n8Wlw