THIS EPISODE WAS ALMOST AS INSANE AS NICKI
MINAJ SHOWING UP 15 MINUTES LATE TO A LIVE TAPING OF AMERICAN IDOL WITH NO FACE
ON.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9r8W2_r7Tk
So the whole premise of this episode comes
from the fact that Finn kissed Emma
and WIll is pissed TFO. Mr. Shue is
treating Finn like dog shit, having him make coffee runs, and dry-clean vests,
all while fake complimenting Ryder to piss him off. So Artie, Tina and Blaine
decide to have an
intervention ya family's here and assign a musical theme to the week! (Are
those 3 captains of Glee Club? I don't remember there being a vote cuz Tina
aint the one.)
So the theme is Epic Musical Feuds, meaning that in order to squash glee club beef
the two dueling members are to perform mash-up songs of feuding artists! I
honestly didn't even understand this theme until they did the sit down with
Ryder and Unique but let's just pretend that I got it from the beginning.
So the gauntlet is thrown
blam bow and Mr. Shue is gonna KICK... FINN's...ASS. I would pay one million
dollars to see Finn and Mr. Shue do a Biggie vs. Tupac mashup. One gazillion
dollars. But before they broke-dance foughted and butchered two American classics from my
childhood, Mr. Shue knocked Finn down a few pegs, telling him that he only put
Finn in charge of the Glee Club because he pitied him and thas not love thas
desperation. But Finn BETRAYED him and broke THE CODE OF
BROTHERS and now it is time to pay.
Btw where is Emma in all this? Has Shue
confronted her? She mad? You mad? We mad?
We mad because this was god awful. Let me me
paint a picture for those of you (Allison Perri) who do not watch anymore. The
mash-up was Bye Bye Bye and I Want it That Way which are two of the greatest
songs in the world but two songs that do not go together at all. I guess the
word MASHED is appropriate for what that was. Old rotten mashed potatoes. A
monster mash. At one point Finn and Shue were actually fighting, if that's what
we were supposed to take from the Mouse King .vs Nutcracker choreographed
tackling. Finn sounded fine doing
BSB, but Mr. Shue took all the nasally wonder out of Justin's masterpiece and
just runed a perfectly flawless song. The puppet strings look absolutely
ridiculous and out of sync. (IRONY) Anyway, they sucked at the end of the
performance, Mr. Shue couldn't bring himself to hug it out. End scene.
REJECTED.
But now Finn may get a teaching degree-
something is happening but I am so pissed about them ruining what could have
been an epic performance I don't even care.
AND THE LOSER IS: Everyone.
We all lose.
On to the next one.
Conspiracy Theory time:
So yall heard that Nicki Minaj was late late
late to a very important date right??? THAT SHIT WAS CRAZY. She missed an
entire performance and had her makeup spread all over the judges table. And
this whole season on American Idol she has been dissing on the show while she
is simultaneously getting paid and getting exposure. So my theory is that
the American Idol producers or FOX or whoever told Glee to make an episode
where they make fun of Nicki and her ridiculous antics.
Enter Sue
vs. Blaine in this week's 2nd most random storyline (2nd to the Unique and
Ryder thing- we shall get to that one later).
So if you are confused about why these two
would be beefing (Idk why you would be, it's so obvious) it's because on December 5 Blaine joined the Cheerios
and then on December 6 he quit. So now Sue needs him for Cheerleading
Regionals. So she put cement in his hair gel and ruined his credit and put a
sign up in the air about him being on the bottom??? Is that sexual reference?
Anyway, incase you haven't heard- Mariah and
Nicki Minaj are apparently in a feud that is as epic as Elton John/Madonna +
BSB/NSYNC. UMMMM no. Their feud is not that epic, it is mostly just catty and
immature, which means two things:
1. Glee is trying to boost American Idol
2. They really wanted to make fun of Nicki
Minauseous
So after Sue did some corny and not funny impersonations
of Nicki and reenacted her "crazy Nicki threats" (which I'm sure were
inspired from behind-the-scenes Idol footage,) Sue and Blaine battled it out.
Blaine started off with "I Still Believe" which is a great song,
don't get me wrong- but WTF. That song should be saved for when you are singing
it about Kurt in a pensieve thoughtful
moment. If you are going to do a BATTLE with a Mariah song you need to do Heartbreaker
or Fantasy or Obsessed.
And then Sue comes in. Sue is a hot mess. Did
she just change the lyric to "he a tall freaking trip trip"??? Did I hear
that correctly? As Maggie Klee so eloquently put it "WTF JUST
OCCURRED."
Again, I'm guessing that this is some FOX executives'
commentary on how Mariah's talent is being overshadowed by Nicki's gimmicks and
Sue won the challenge, meaning that Blaine has to remain a Cheerio. Which is
fine with me cuz Blaine is looking oh so cute in that uni! But wait, he and Sam are plotting and
Blaine will work from the inside and bring Sue down. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS
EPISODE. Another beef not squashed.
AND THE WINNER IS: Blaine. He is always the winner. Always.
Ryder vs. Unique
Why did I type the words "french fries"
in my notes. I have no idea/recollection, probably just hungry.
Ok everyone it's about to get even more
FWEAKY. Let's start with the normal part:
Ryder kissed Marley a few weeks
ago, and Jake is still pissed at
both of them. But Marley I guess has chosen to be with Jake. (come on Glee- you
could have had me hooked for a few more weeks with the triangle). Jake and
Marley actually have a really cute and mature conversation and decided that
they pretty much basically kinda sorta trust each other it would be immature to
ice Ryder out.
However, Ryder still has decided to ice his
own self out of sanity and he done pushed himself to da edge.
He is having a cyber-relationship with some blonde chick aka Tuiasosopo aka
probably gon be Unique. The entire time I am watching these instant message
conversation I'm thinking "what the fuck is this. what the fuck is this."
Also I am thinking "Do people still use instant message? Is this the new
AIM? Does a creaky door opening door sound happen when someone signs on and
then slams shut when some signs off? Do they still have away messages? How did
these two meet? Did he ask A/S/L at first?" So many questions. CLEARLY
this is Glee's take on the Manti Teo situation and I am just ROTFL and LOL and
LMAO etc. So anyway..
Ryder and Unique feud
because she got mad at him for kissing Marley and he made an insensitive
comment about her drag lifestyle. So they mash it up taking from the
Elton/Madonna feud that most people prob don't know or care about. And Unique
again dressed herself like a 40 year old woman going to an early Sunday Service
and trounced around with her feet turned out. It sounded fine, but it was wack.
And now Glee is trying to make Ryder a douchebag a la that Glee Project
character he played over the summer when he was yelling at Aylin and we were
supposed to believe that she would choose to be with Michael over Blake.
(Insert @so_grool doing a Michael impression.)
In the end, we are left with the weird Saved
By the Bell: The New Class gathering in a classroom where Ryder makes a football
analogy and apologizes to Marley, Jake and Unique and then Unique tells everyone
that she had to run away from some popular girl bullies. Unique, you and Coach
Beiste seriously need to understand that you are big enough to beat up a pack
of wolves so stop it with that. And Unique cannot act worth SHIIIIIIT.
And then they all started talking about next
year and it was a sad affair.
AND THE WINNER IS: Kitty.
Next in the ring of fire: Santana vs. Brody
Ok first of all- how annoying is it that
Rachel isn't pregnant? This is just like the Quinn car accident thing. Such a
huge build up and then oh never mind. Come on Glee.
But I guess it wasn't for nothing- it seems to have brought Santana and Rachel closer ??? maybe??? and Santana thinks it
should serve as a wake-up call to Rachel, since she has become a soggy mess of
a woman and it's time for her to take a hard look at the choices she is making
aka get rid of Donkey Face.
Speaking of Donkey Face- it turns out I was
right all along- he is a gigolo, always
on the go everytime I turn around I got another show. Hello my name is
Gunnnnner dood and I am going to have sex with old women to pay for my tuition.
So apparently there is a hotel in New York where all the male hookers go and
wait around to get dollars rained up on them! Wait, what is Tracy Quartermaine doing
up in hurr? Up in hurr.Up
in hurr.
So Santana still doesn't know the truth, but
wants to intimidate Brody enough to get him to move out, so she visits the
god-forsaken dance studio where Brody is still being a teaching assistant for
Cassie. Cassie lives! And of course Santana just happened to be in a black
dress ready to perform but "don't apply logic to Lopez" it's just
Glee so let it happen. Santana performs an unnecessary version of American Idol
judge Paula Abdul's "Cold-Hearted Snake" (and circle fits the square)
and then tells Brody to pack
your bags girls we're going to Milan! ! Not really, just pack your bags!
Word of Santana's tongue-lashing via
musical performance spread fast and Kurt and Rachel were none too pleased. They
had a family loft conversation and asked Santana to move out because she was
pissing Brody off and he was there first. BITCHES! Luckily, Santana's bag was
already packed and ready to go and #weouchea to stay on Lena Dunham's couch, but
not before promising to expose Brody for the plastic tiara he was!! (It's... just... plastic.
GASP!!!)
And she did. Once again using his teleportation
device, Finn appears in New York. I have never gasped that much in my life. OMG.
Brody and Finn get into it about loving Rachel blah blah and then start
straight up brawling!!! STAY AWAY FROM MY FUTURE WIFE!! That's really a
mouthful to yell while you are mid-fight Finn, you could have just said
"Stay away from her, or stay away from Rachel." FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
FIGHT! And whoop there it is.
AND THE WINNER IS: Santana. Clearly.
BY FAR THE BEST CONCLUSION OF ANY GLEE EPISODE EVER OCCURRED WHEN
THE FOX ANNOUNCER SAID THIS IN A CASUAL VOICE AS THE CREDITS ROLLED:
"They started from the bottom, and now
they're here. Watch the top 9 perform next Wednesday on American Idol."
hahahahahah i was dying. dying dying dying I can only imagine what I have been
missing out by not watching live episodes before this.
Overall Grade for the Episode: B
It was just insane. Didn't dislike it but would
be fine never watching it again. Santana and Trouty Mouth once again carried
the episode.
Favorite Performance of the Episode: How to be a heartbreaker
performed by Brody and Rachel. This dance
was a euphemism for Brody having sex with old women which is utterly disturbing
but I love the song and Brody is still amazing I don't care who he is screwing
or feuding!
Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Bye Bye Bye performed
by Finn and Mr. Shue. Hard to watch. It just didn't go
together and hurt my ears.
Favorite Moment of the Episode: Tina
getting pwned by Sue. You're dismissed, go find a new bf maybe Lance Bass is
available or Rupaul.
Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Definitely Ryder chatting Tuisasosopo and Sue doing the Nicki Minaj
faces.
Other thoughts:
-Where is Brittany? Probably out strolling on
college campuses.
-Trouty Mouth always coming in strong during
group numbers.
-WHAT THE FUCK IS MARLEY WEARING psychodelic
turtleneck dress.
-Fake complimenting Ryder part was humorous
-Suite life of Zack and Cody reboot
-In the real world there are commitments and you are only as good
as your word!
-Santana still cant dance.
-Bitch took my pillow.
-Finn is forever kicking something in rage
Next Week's Episode:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4svKmFbAd4
GUILTY PLEASURES! Glad that haven't totally
abandoned the idea of Blaine and Sam! BLAM! And some other stuff.
American Idol thoughts and rankings.
As you know, this week was absolutely insane.
The theme was SOOOOOO BAD omg I
can't believe we had to sit through a perform of "I Believe, Flying
Without Wings, A Moment Like This, Breakaway etc". Everybody sucked. I
mean of course Angie, Candice, Cree and Amber did great but the theme was so
bad and everyone was so thrown of Nicki Minaj!!!!! I have never witnessed
anything so outrageously awkward and hilarious.
Mariah, you need to stop being so nice.
Audience, stop booing everyone. Keith, you are polite. And Nicki- YOU'RE
HORRIBLE! Stop being anti-American Idol! Just give your hilarious critiques and
then sit the hell down! No one wants to hear you arguing anymore!! You are
getting paid so much money, and you are 30 years old! Just STFU!
Ryan Seacrest is an angel sent from heaven above.
Here is my ranking:
1. Amber- what the world needs now.
2. Angie-she did that Kelly Clarkson song well but no one will ever EVER EVER top Kelly.
3. Candice
4. Kree
5. Burnell- never ever ever sing a Ruben Studdard song again.
Everyone else can kick rocks ESPECIALLY Paul
Jolley! So glad Curtis got eliminated! Nicki shut the fuck up and let us make
some god damn progress!
P.S. Chris Brown and Rihanna are like diamonds in the sky.
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