OKAY PEOPLE CALM DOWN, RACHEL’S GLEE BLOG IS BACK IN ACTION.
I didn’t blog last week because I was doing something way
more important than blogging about a fictional musical comedy. Hard to believe
I know.
So where were we? Ah, yes. Repeating storylines about fat
cats and dreaming… can’t wait!
We will start off with: Brittany is still an idiot. She thought the world was
coming to an end again- didn’t we already do that like FOUR episodes ago? (Swan
Song?) And so Mr. Shue played along with this idiotic idea and assigned the “last-chance song” as the theme of the week. Eye Roll.
All the while, normal Ryder
turned green and tore through all his clothing and became the psychotic
Ryder when he finally tried to meet his secret internet love boo. Basically he
saw the girl who he thought was his lova and sang her a completely unnecessary
lullaby. But it turns out that his
myspace mama was just using the picture of the blonde girl Yolanda or whatever, so Ryder is DEFINITELY GETTING CATFISHED YALL. But in typical Glee
fashion, we have no new information we don’t feel that. Who. In the hell. IS
THE CATFISH??!!??!?!? I’m so confused. Not Sugar or Jesus because they don’t
come to school anymore. Marley, Jake and Kitty all said it wasn’t them.
Brittany and Tina were not in the choir room. I thought that Unique was already
ruled out because her ringtone is Bootylicious and when Riley dialed the
CatFish the ringtone was definitely like RING RING RING. So who do we have
left? Artie, Sam, Blaine? Coach Beiste? I still think it could be Marley- that
would actually make sense. I’m sure this will either never get resolved or it
will end up being Unique because my life is destined for disappointments. (Just
kidding my life is a breeze!)
Soooo yeah props to Glee for slipping in the title “Shooting
Star” without me realizing that there was going to be a school shooting. Oh
maybe because no one really actually shot anyone… BUT NONETHELESS shit got real
and real scary and Maggie, Brittany and I all held our breath for a good 12
minutes.
Shots fired! In McKinley. The kids in the choir room hit the
deck and screamed and cried.
Best cryers of the group were definitely Blaine and Kitty
Kat. Mr. Shue had basically no control over his classroom and gave stupid
advice about tweeting and had there been an actual shooter on the loose, Trouty
Mouth would have gotten everyone killed trying to save his girl, Brittany. She
was in the bathroom looking scared as shit the whole time. That moment of her
in the bathroom… I mean I’m normally a Brittany hater but that was AMAZING.
Accascuseme. Well done Heather Morris you were probz thinking about your unborn
child in your stomach with your pregnant self! Scandalous. Also, Artie started
an impromptu video time capsule in which Jake shouted out Puck, which was
unintentionally hilarious. I was
sure in my mind that Artie was going to get shot and it would have created a
reverse Jimmy Brooks, enabling him to walk again!
Anyway,
everyone was saved and it turns out that we were not ever really in too much
danger. Becky was scared and brought a gun to school… LOUDER but then she
dropped it and the gun went off. Sue took the rap for her and got FIRRRRRRED.
Fired. Ya Fired. Several problems. Clearly Becky
brought the gun to the school for a reason. Don’t know if she was planning on
shooting someone, lesbihonest it was probably going to be Mr. Shue because
really who doesn’t want to shoot him? So now she is still allowed to come to
school...come on Sue, that is beyond dumb to just
take yourself out of the situation when she is clearly having such a troubled
time. I get that Sue is trying to protect Becky and also the public perception
of kids with disablities but now we got Becky Buckwild roaming around school
throwing accordions and that ain’t safe! I’m sure the truth will come out but we shall see…
Overall, I liked the shooting premise and I thought it was PERFECTLY ACTED which is always a stretch for Glee. When Blaine was worried about Tina my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. AND KITTY KAT FOREAL THOUGH?? You are da bomb.
RANDOM THING HAPPENING ALERT:
Coach Shannon Beiste, realizing
that she may die soon, boils pasta in a hot tub and professes her love to Will
Shuester. So uncomfortable.
Especially since apparently WEMMA is back on! But I’m guessing Emma is still
not back at work because Will was none too concerned about her during the
shooting. She has taken like 2 months off of work at this point. Anyway, Shue
shut Bieste down and then got her into online dating, because CLEARLY that is
working out so great for our young Ryder. The ONLY good thing about this random
thing happening is that we got to see Ken Tanaka’s gorgeous mug on a computer
screen. Ken Tanaka lives! Acafellas reunion!
So I guess the point of the entire episode was that you don’t know when ur last day is going to be (death via meteorite/shot to death) so appreciate everyone while they are there. Is it bad that I kind of wish that the shooter was real and that it was the piano guy?
***
So then a week goes by and everyone is still pretty shaken up by the shooting. Sam Evans is coping with his PTSD by inventing a fake twin named Evan Evans and that’s all anyone really needs to know about the episode because it is the best thing Glee has done since the nickname “Trouty Mouth”. But I guess I’ll continue.
So I guess the point of the entire episode was that you don’t know when ur last day is going to be (death via meteorite/shot to death) so appreciate everyone while they are there. Is it bad that I kind of wish that the shooter was real and that it was the piano guy?
***
So then a week goes by and everyone is still pretty shaken up by the shooting. Sam Evans is coping with his PTSD by inventing a fake twin named Evan Evans and that’s all anyone really needs to know about the episode because it is the best thing Glee has done since the nickname “Trouty Mouth”. But I guess I’ll continue.
Since the Glee Club made it to Regionals on a technicality,
they must start preparing for competition ASAP. The theme for Regionals is DREAMS which like
WHAT didn’t we already do this theme season 1?? I specifically remember doing
about 5 dreams-themed songs in the past but sure why not let’s go another
round.
Shue’s got a boot up his ass and is hating on everyone but
you know what- rightfully so. His glee club is a whiny bunch of bitches these
days. Marley is so sad because she wrote some ORIGINAL MUSIC ****ORIGINAL MUSIC
ALERT TAKE COVER HIDE YOUR WIFE HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE**** and no one
wants to hear about a fat mom.
Tina has a new style… is that really written in this show? And Unique
wants boobs. I think Mr. Shue spoke for all of us when he proclaimed “Unique,
you need to tone it down with the whole boob thing.”
Across the interstate at Lima University (sounds like a fine
institution) Finn and Puck have kind of sort of enrolled and it’s SPRING BREAK
FOREVER. (Spring Breakers joke.. you wouldn't get it) I will try not to harp on this too much but it is sooooooo uncomfortable
watching Finn/Cory Monteith partying since he has checked into rehab. So
uncomfortable. Poor guy. I hope he is getting better. Now back to hating on his
character.
Finn wears a wife beater too often and he is slacking off and
not doing right by his sociology prof! Shue and Puck finally sit him down and
knock some sense into him so that one day he can become a good teacher. So Finn
and Mr. Shue finally bury the hatchet after the whole Finn kissing Emma thing
and now Finn is GETTING COLLEGE CREDIT FOR BEING THE ASSISTANT GLEE CLUB COACH.
What will happen with the frat that Finn and Puck joined with no hazing? Such
boners. Click that link if you
want to have the best read of your life.
Since
Shue and Finn made up, Shue decides to let Marley do her rainbow and lollipop
original songs, so here we go again. Marley, Sam, Blaine and Unique stand
around in a circle and read music perfectly (when did they learn to do that? I
thought they were all just street rats.) My first thought was does this song
even rhyme? Second thought was these lyrics are going to uplift me on a day
when I have low self-esteem and damn Glee’s got me again! But then they sang
another song in the end about being an outcast and let me just put it out there
that if “sticks and stone will break these bones” are in your lyrics you need to
stop the performance immediately and go back to the drawing board.
OH YES AND NENE (Coach Roz) IS BACK!! The only plot-moving purpose that could possibly exist for her return could be that she will get Becky to admit the truth about the gun. But in the meantime she is just hilarious and the dark-sided fruity voodoo hex talk was so hilarious as was the blood oath taken by suspicious Cheerios captains Blaine Warbler and Becky Buckwild. <3NeNe&Kim4Ever
Last
thing: Rachel Barbara Berry auditioned for Funny Girl in NY. She has apparently
“sworn off men” riiiiiight and is standing around the piano staring lovingly
into her mother’s eyes waiting for a pop song to start. But anyway, following
Finn’s advice, Rachel decided to audition with a song that was near and dear to
her heart, so she sang “Don’t Stop Believin” accompanied by the original New
Directions. RREEEEEEEMMMMMIXXXXX. Of course I cried! Do you know who I am!?!?!?
And she got a call-back! Go girl
So yeah that was a lot of rambling. ARE YOU SATISFIED PEOPLE??? #canilive
Overall Grade
for Shooting Star: A
Overall Grade
for Dreams: B+ Lack of creative episode title gets it graded down
Favorite moments of the episodes
Sam Freaking Evans doing his thang and Nene making them repeat that blood oath
Least Favorite Moment of the Episodes
Finn being an asswipe of epic proportions and Ryder’s Dilemma. It just hurts.
Favorite Performance of the Episodes: Don’t Stop Beliebin performed by Rachel obvi and Next to me performed by Rachel and Shelby Corcoran. Rachel sounded perfect. You really brought Shelby back though for 1 second though.
Least Favorite Performance of the Episodes: Fight for your Right to Party. This performance was so low in my eyes that is beat out 2 original songs. I just never got the Beastie Boys. Too much white boy yelling.
Glist:
1.
Sam
2.
Blaine
3.
Rachel
4.
Kitty
5.
Artie
6.
Puck
7.
Coach Roz
8.
Jake
9.
Ryder
10.
Kurt
Other
thoughts:
-Can we get to freaking regional’s already???? Yalls timeline
is way off
-Glee is coming back for 2 more seasons! That means maybe we will finally find out what happened to Sandy Ryerson and April Rhodes
-Glee is coming back for 2 more seasons! That means maybe we will finally find out what happened to Sandy Ryerson and April Rhodes
-Blaine as honorary Rachel #hellzyea
Next week’s
episode
SJP is back
for no good reason I’m sure. When the lights go out… please let them sing that
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