#HaveNone of the Lights: Bourree Monster Strikes Again

The power is out! Hasn't this school been through enough?? The humanity!

Yes, Glee created an episode on the premise that the lights went out so everyone has to cope with that musically... take a moment to digest it and move on. Let's assume that the darkness and lack of electricity was a metaphor for baring your soul and being innovative in music without the bells and whistle. Assume that was the point of this ridiculously- themed ep and let's go.

If all of you have been racking your brain asking yourself  "Is Ryder an idiot?" the answer is yes. Yes he is.  He still doesn't know who the catfish is.. even though he knows it is someone in Glee Club (or is it?) and yet he is STILL continuing to carry on a catfishian relationship with this person. Ummm, hey Ryder- why don't you just stand up in front of the club and say HEY GUYS WHO THE FUCK IS CATFISHING ME RIGHT NOW. OUT WITH IT. Instead he is just making himself look like more and more of a certified idiot by not finding out, and by telling all of his secrets at awkward times for no reason.

And his secrets did come out this episode, but let's rewind and work our way up to that incredibly awkward confession.

The lights went out, so Mr. Shue made everyone sing acoustic songs. Woooooo shutup. Trouty Mouth sang first and then randomly got in a tizzy about the merits of being able to function as an Amish (you were conceived to that depressing ass song??) and I cannot see anything that anyone is doing on the screen because THE LIGHTS ARE OUT AND IT IS DARK. So basically we hear and not see the following things unfold:

Ryder wants to find out who the catfish is, so he devises a sneaky plan to reveal his deepest darkest secret so that he can see the look on his glee club members faces, because the person who is NOT surprised would expose themselves as the catfish since they already know his deepest, darkest secret. Some of the best logic I have ever seen on Glee. So he sings a depressing song with full orchestration (thank God, Mr. Shue, I don't know what we would have done without that full orchestration) about everybody hurting, which seems like it now could to apply to everyone getting slushied. What... I thought they were popular now that they won Nationals, but apparently not- they are still Nerd Fergusons and everybody hurts. For a second I thought that his deep dark secret was that he was the one behind the slushy-ing for the last 3 years or that he was on this secret show before high school called The Glee Project Season 2 but it turns that he was molested by his 16 year old babysitter as a child. LOUDER.

Ok by the way during this episode everyone was doing a lot of texting, which I'm surprised I even noticed since the screen was PITCH BLACK but the biggest texters were def Kitty Kat and Artie so they are my front-runners for Catfish of the Year.

So back to Awkward City, Ryder was molested, but his male friends don't think it was so bad because his babysitter was a girl and he basically was getting acting as an 11-year old so he should be proud. (We should have known that this Glee Club doesn't think much of child molestation because of all of the Michael Jackson worship. ZING.) Overall, this was just so uncomfortable and awkward. This kid Ryder has some issues. Mainly because he chose to tell everyone in his extracurricular activity about the child molestation, but also because his decision to tell everyone was based on the premise that this would help him figure out who the catfish was which failed miserably because UMMM IT'S DARK AS FUCK THE LIGHTS ARE OUT GENIUS so he couldn't see anyone's reaction. hahahahaah as I wrote that I just cracked up laughing THIS SHOW IS BONKERS YALL and I love it.

All the while, Kitty is looking at Ryder with some crazy eyes, and it turns out that she has also been molested, so they go on a date and bond and it is actually pretty sweet in an icky and depressing way. I'm not opposed to this combo. (Puck broke up with her apparently. Kitty, that is no reason to tell lies; Puck is beautiful and always will be so bite your tongue.) But THEN later when Kitty tries to take Ryder out to Subway (awwwwwww) he ditches her so he can spend more time catfishing on the interweb. So if you are here trying to figure out this mystery with me, it would seem as though Kitty is NOT the catfish because he was "pinging" Cattyfish almost the exact same time he was talking to Kitty. But then it also could be plausible that she IS the catfish and is just a really fast texter and the reason she is getting so upset is that she doesn't know how to tell Ryder that she is the Fish of Cats. Either way, it seems as though Kitty really likes Ryder, and he is just confused about life so I'm sure by the next two episodes all will be revealed and we can finally get some closure on this awkward situation that has taken place at McKinley High. What if they carried this mystery out until Season 5 I think I would throw myself in a lake.

***UNNECESSARY BUT YET COMPLETELY SATISYING PLOT ALERT***

Artie got inspired by both Sam's Amish lifestyle and the sweet sound of a crunching water bottle and got everyone to perform "We Will Rock You" with household items which was COMPLETELY stupid until Jake the Snake decided to tap dance and turn and make it all worth it!

In completely unrelated and unimportant news: Sue is no longer a teacher or cheerleading coach, she is an aerobics instructor for a sexually charged group of twenty-somethings and Blaine. Coach Roz and Becky Buckwild are not getting along, mostly because NeNe thinks Becky is Sue's full grown baby child teenager, and Becky makes fart noises everytime NeNe blinks. I am too tired and burnt out to even try to understand that aerobics class, or why anything is happening with these characters so I am just going to erase it from my memory, only to be reminded of it again in about 5 minutes when I re-read this blog several times.

And in this week's daily dose of NY life in 5 points.

1. Rachel and Kurt have an intervention with Santana because she has become a cage dancer and is not using her talent to the fullest. "You are the most talented person I know, obviously with the exception of me and Kurt." TDODO.

2. Izzy (SJP) is still's Kurt's boss and she invited him and his friends to come work VIP aka sing on stage at the NYC Ballet Gala.

3. Burt Hummel is doing better- thanks for the update Glee.

4. Apparently, Rachel, Kurt and Santana were all transformed in their younger years by taking ballet class. All 3 of your teachers should be fired and punished for the dancers that you turned out to be. And now Santana loves to dance. And looks amazing and just like CeCe from New Girl.

5. Santana and Izzy aka SJP were up on stage talking shit about their parents. Disrespectful. Kurt and Rachel had supportive parents so they will have none of that.

That's all folks.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B

There was just like no point for half of the shit that transpired and I couldn't see half of what was going on because you know, the lights were out.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: The Longest Time performed by the New Directions. Saved the musical performances thank God. Also Mr. Shue snaps weird.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Little Girls performed by Sue Sylvestor. I will never get back those 3 minutes.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: By far Jake tap dancing and doing 13 turns in a row. I rewound and repeated several times. FINALLY!

Least favorite moment of the Episode: Sue doing everything that she did. Mainly singing that damn song. Although I do know what it feels like to have your life controlled by little girls what up #AUDTREPRESENT

Other thoughts:

-Why does Glee promote scenes that aren't even in the episode like the one of Blaine trying to get the truth out of Becky Buckwild?

-Brittany took the week off to go get impregnated

-Sugar hasn't been in an episode in like a year and a half

-How are we supposed to believe that Sam Evans knows who Phil Spector is?

-Jessica Sanchez yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

-Sam should never be serious again

-My favorite quote of the night: (Yours truly as I was taking notes): "Wtf is this the land of idiots" -Rachel Southall

-Figgins always coming with the classic lines: "Your brains are to remain in the on position"

-Tina holding it down with her 1 line per episode. She is graduating in 2 episodes are they going to try to make it seem like she will be missed

-I can't beleive they mentioned Artie singing a Miguel song but didn't pull the trigger!

Glist:

1. Jake (snaps)

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Kitty

6. Rachel

7. Santana

8. Coach Roz

9. Artie

10. SJP

Next Week's Episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPMtR8GzOkE

Very Confused that a tribute episode is the 2nd to last one of the season. Looks like Kurt and Mersizzle are back and that Blaine is going to propose. And Kate Hudson. (meh) This episode could be great, horrible, or average, or any other adjective you can think of

In American Idols news:

Mariah Carey must go. Keith Urban is a little ladybug (in a great way) and Nicki Minaj actually makes sense and looks amazing.

My favorites:

1. Amber

2. Angie

3. Candice

4. Kree

Kreedom needs to get out of there! She looks so bored and scared. Angie is #inittowinit as they say so I believe the top 2 will be Angie and Candice.

Amber should win because she is the most believable as a real artist but Angie is really getting me week after week so we shall see!

Also, why isn't Jimmy Iovine a judge???? Maybe they told him he would have to take off that backwards cap and he was like NO DEAL.

#seacrestout