Week 3! Muppets! Guest Judge Alfonso! TV
NIGHT! Mini-stroke! For anyone reading this blog, just know I am fighting
through serious menstruation and carpal tunnel to churn out some paragraphs so count
your blessings and lower your expectations. If you have now committed past the
second sentence of this blog, then you know that this week was another BRAND NEW theme week!
Producers getting creative! (Maggie maybe they don’t need us?) Not sure who assigned
the songs for each couple but the TV shows tributes were either for “critically
acclaimed” nonsense that I don’t have the class or intelligence to watch or were tributes to “classics” that I haven’t cared about since Nick at Nite was on channel 27. My recap is laid out as follows:
-Couples Ranked from Lowest to Highest Scores
-Recap of TV show theme song for each couple
-The TV Show and characters they should have picked As Told
By Ginger (Me)
- The only opinion that matters (Mine)
READY, SET, DON’T GO – Billy Ray Cyrus
Paula and Louie: 20 out of 40
TV Show and song: The Gilligan’s
Island Theme Song
Better idea: Dance Moms tribute with Paula as
Abby Lee and Louie as Maddie Ziegler. Paula could have just waved her arms around while Louie danced around in a nude leotard/body tights to "Chandelier".
All of the world’s problems would be solved.
Blog about it: The only winner of this dance
was the troupe dancer who stuffed a pillow under his shirt to be the Skipper. Paula
has no understanding of a live show. Love that Julianne came with the harsh critiques
with zeros cares about Paula’s grandsons standing onstage with her.
Gary and Anna: 24 out of 40
TV Show and Song: Mysterious tango to the “Addam’s
Family Theme Song”
Better idea: Tribute to The Office, with Gary
as Creed Bratton & and Anna as Erin, in a Kartwheel Battle. I guarantee
Gary can’t do a cartwheel and would be just as pissed at Anna.
Blog about it: Gary is just your average Reggie Ledoux. From
his brain to his mouth to our ears: “You talk like a woodpecker!” Anna is a
saintly partner and Gary stood still for 90% of the dance so I don’t get why the
judges like him so much. Alfonso had the nerve to give him a 7! This is a gots to go situation.
Andy and Allison: 29 out of 40
TV Show and Song: Quickstep to “American Bandstand Theme Song”
Better idea: Tribute to Twitch and Ellen from
the Ellen Show. But actually just replace Andy/Allison with Ellen and Twitch for the
dance and the rest of the season.
Blog about it: They get more boring as the
seconds pass.
Hayes and Emma: 30 out of 40
TV Show and Song: Jive to “Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles Theme Song”
Better idea: Hayes as Trouty Mouth and Emma
as Quinn Fabray in an epic Glee Tribute that we all deserve.
Blog about it: Emma’s Ninja Turtles idea was
great and her outfit was even better. She is battling it out with Witney for my
favorite female pro. And I love Hayes more and more, such a young, agile whippersnapper.
Judges didn’t like it but as Trouty Mouth and 3LW would say, haters gonna hate. #TurtlePower I still want Emma and Hayes to fall in love.
Carlos and Witney: 31 out of 40
TV Show and Song: Golden Girls Theme, “Thank
You for Being a Friend”
Better idea: There is no better idea than a
Golden Girls dance.
Blog about it: Carlos are Witney spent the
week “finding that line” between being friends and partners as they slapped each
others’ butts. Extra-marital-affair-in-the-making aside, the dance was amazing! And Witney was the dancing Grandma that I am meant to be in 50 years. The
judges were very critical as they always are for the first dances of the night.
It’s an uphill battle competing first. #EndofTimeNationals2k14iwillneverletthisgo
Bindi and Derek: 32 out of 40
TV Show and Song: Quickstep to “Movin on Up”
from the Jefferson’s
Better idea: I think Derek could play a gay
man very well so I choose “Peeno Noir” from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt with
Derek as Titus
Andrommedon and little Bindy as Lillian. This would have been better than What Does the Fox Say
but now we will never know. Nothing would ever beat What Does the Fox Say
whatamithinkingbout.
Blog about it: Bindi is a peach, Len would have
loved their last-minute clean and simple dance, twas SO FETCH!!! Let’s get them
to the final.
Alek and Lindsay: 33 out of 40
TV Show and Song: Tango to the “True Blood Theme
Song”
Better idea: Jon and Kate plus 8. The troupe
members pretend to be the kids. Alek is a DJ at a bowling alley. Bring back
Kate Gosselin for a cameo. Television gold.
Blog about it: Lindsay is just so happy she
has made it this far in the competition. Looking down on Keo like she is better
than him. I thought their dance was very boring but Julianne gave them the “best
technique and best pro” praise. Can always count on Julianne to try to make
fetch happen.
Tamar and Val: 33 out of 40
TV Show and Song: Tango to the “Mad Men Theme
Song”
Better idea: OBVIOUSLY this was a missed
opportunity for a portrayal of Olivia and Fitz from SCANDAL! They could have
captured the same “yes/no” storyline with “What Do You Mean” by the Biebs and we
could’ve had it all of this wrapped up in one performance: 1) a torture scene
2) a sex scene 3) white pea coat 4) and a dramatization of emotional cell phone
convo.
Blog about it: Tamar and Val’s pre-show
package was the highlight of the night. “Val’s storyline for every single dance
is a man who isn’t all the way faithful.” They killed it. I can’t decide if Val
is a great coach or if Tamar has a sneaky dance background she is hiding. I
need the ShadeRoom to investigate that for me pronto.
Alexa and Mark: 36 out of 40
TV Show and Song: Jazz Dance to the “Breaking Bad theme song”
Better idea: Bachelor in Paradise Theme Song
with Mark as Joe and
Samantha played by Alexa. Or maybe the song could be an interpretation of
Run Joey Run (Glee Version).
Blog about it: Another week, another quote like
this: “I’m concerned he’s gone a little too far.” I hate to admit it but Mark nailed
the Walter White look. They executed a violent choke spin and got a lot
of praise from the judges. Alfonso told them “You can win.” Over my dead
lifeless body.
Nick and Sharna 36 out of 40
TV Show and Song: Viennese Waltz to the “Downtown
Abbey Theme Song”
Better idea: A ferocious and topical number
with Nick and Sharna as Billy on the Street’s Billy and Elena. The
crowd goes wild.
Blog about it: Nick is getting frustrated and
dropping F bombs left and right! I can’t get past Sharna’s hair color. I need
them to pick it up next week a waltz from the Victorian Era is not going to get
the people going!!!!
Kim and Tony (no score)
TV Show and Song: I Dream of Jeannie
Blog about it: Kim had a Mini Stroke and
couldn’t fly back to LA, so “Jenna” stepped in and performed “their” dance with
the “exact choreography” that Kim “learned” in “two days.” I’m sure that’s
right, Kimmy Z. Tom delivered the bad news that Kim and Tony are kicked outttt Goodbaaai.
No surprise that although Andy/Allison and Paula/Louis were in jeopardy, no one was eliminated. Snoooze.
Islands in the Stream of Consciousness:
- The Female pros came to SMASH (Danger she
smashed the homies shows up in 50% of my blogs)
- There was Magic Mike dance break where Miss
Piggy kissed Derek’s chest unless that was a nightmare last night
- Erin Andrews name-dropped her own damn self
twice (WHEN I WAS A DANCER DAHHHHLING)
- There was a Bye Bye Bye TV Performance
Best Quotes from the group chat:
-“I can’t decide what looks worse, Mark’s
misshapen bald head or his man bun/man braid
-“Rachel is going down” - Brittany Anne (BYYYYYYEEEEEE
BITCHESSSSSSSSSSS)
- “If anyone can ruin Breaking Bad it’s Mark”
- “I never thought I would be jealous of a
puppet”
- “Leave it to Gary to look somewhat normal
while dressed up as an Addams family member”
- “Just making up the rules as we go like
Chris Harrison”
#DWTSSwitchUP coming soon they’ll switch it up on you so
fast
That's all I got, you're welcome.
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