Switch Up Week and Gary Left Me Here with No Titles

WHAT OMG LAST WEEK WAS MY 50TH BLOG POST and nobody paid any attention. What's the procedure? 

GET READY FOR IT BECAUSE IT ALREADY HAPPENED TWO DAYS AGO IT IS SWITCH UP WEEK!!!!!

Hashtag Switchup Hashtag Love Triangles Hashtag Hoos Behind Door Number 1 Hashtag watch every female star walk into the studio hoping Derek is their new partner ###

I feel that the switch ups are either a) meticulously manipulated by the producers or b) actually "voted through twitter" yeah okay but all I know is that Mark got Paula Dean and Derek got Alexa and I received the news exactly like this: 

And OMG MAKSIM IS BACK!!!!!!!!! Apparently since he beat Derek one time his faith in the show is renewed and ABC needed their fix of BBB (Bad Boy of the Ballroom) so he came strutting back like the Mufasa he is. 

TIME IS MONEY SO HERE IS A RECAP OF EACH DANCE, TO THE TUNE OF 5ive.

Tamar and Louis 29/40

Tamar's Week 5 in 5 words: Ridiculous choreography. Running split doe. 

Switch up verdict: Big downgrade for Tamar. Louis can't handle the pressure and she got low scores and now he lives in fear that the Chmerkovsky Mafia is going to off him in his sleep. "I'm sorry, Val, I'm so sorry!" 

Advice from the real pro (me): Get Ty Ty in here immediately to teach Tamar how to smize. 

Hayes and Allison 30/40

Hayes's Week 5 in 5 words: Just can't wait 2B king. 

Switch up verdict: Going from Emma (Chip) to Allison (Mrs. Potts) was a downgrade for Hayes. 

Advice from the real pro (me): We gotta figure out how to win over the male judges for him. Maybe he should slip in a misogynistic line here and there like "Girls are bad at math" wink wink. Also, enough with the Vines! No fans of this show ever knew you for your Vine fame and we can't even download the Vine app on our phones due to lack of GB.

Paula and Mark 26/40

Paula's Week 5 in 5 words: "Paula, keep your dress down." 

Switch up verdict: SO MUCH SHADE THROWN AT MARK this week they did all my work for me. Mark was so bitter but Paula was scared of him because he is so "edgy." 

He can't help it he is just too edgy!!! 

Mark dropped his famous one-liner: "I'm gonna take some risks this week" and I guess those risks included giving himself an acting/speaking role and slapping Paula's bare butt cheeks. Despite all of the tomfoolery, Mark was still an upgrade for Paula, because the alternative is Louis van Amstel. She danced better than ever but it was still the worst. 

Advice from the real pro (me): Speaking directly to you now, Paula. Bow out gracefully. That is my advice. These titans of dance are going to crush you in the coming weeks... and I mean that literally because you can't just shuffle around during upcoming group numbers they will trample you! 

Is it just me: Or is there a feud between Maks and Mark? Maks' comment that the heavily produced number was typical of Mark was quite shady! You could cut the tension with a Brandon Warren knife. 

Ahhhh Danielle Staub how I miss you. 

LET US PAUSE TO GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE:  The lie detector test segment. 
Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7X3alRZxE_w
Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DM2gYar46Gw
Got at least 5 good laughs off that. 

Alek and Emma 29/40

Alek's Week 5 in 5 words: True love. Touched the butt. 

Switch up verdict: Didn't think it was possible but Emma made Alek interesting! They were so excited to be paired with each other!  This was Emma's first medium-aged partner and she took the opportunity to perform a sexy Rumba and it was really good! Well Emma was really good and then they fell in love on the dance floor and then Erin made it awkward.

Advice from the real pro (me): Alek should get better at dancing and then come talk to me. 

Bindi and Val 37/40

Bindi's Week 5 in 5 words: Animal Metaphors and Yellow Blouses. 

Switch up verdict: Derek would never allow his partner to be paired with any of these peasants runnin around the ballroom so Bindi ended up with the only acceptable choice: Valentin. I was bored with the dance but it was Bindi-cute and Val cracked a smile. I laughed out loud when Maks gave his brother a 10 and shrugged. #thickasthieves

Advice from the real pro (me): Two pieces of advice for Bindi: 1) You can't bring a snake into a dance studio if you are not going to follow up with a Slave 4 U tribute and 2) people will tire of your perfect outlook soon but shine bright shine far don't be shy you're a star where you live where you are be a star. 

Carlos and Lindsey 39/40 

Carlos's Week 5 in 5 words: No one ever cared ever. 

Switch up verdict: Lindsey is not a better partner than Witney, but for whatever reason she got Carlos his best scores. Witney was not amused. The dance was boring to me and they received a blasphemous score. But do you, Carlos. Did my ears hear correctly that Lindsey asked if the Dalai Lama was a pageant?

Advice from the real pro (me): Do not cross Witney ever again. 

Alexa and Derek 40/40

Alexa's Week 5 in 5 words: Never listen to Mark again. 

Switch up verdict: Imagine you are a normal-looking rapper from Brooklyn and you meet a stunning, talented and omnipotent Texan named Beyonce and get her to marry you. That is the level of upgrade Alexa was blessed with this week after what I'm sure was a week of her whole family tweeting #AlexaDerek nonstop. If Carlos was worried before he should really be sweating now. 

Anyway, it was the most successful switch-up because they got a perfect score. (Derek was the only perfect thing about that dance but anything putting Mark in his place works for me.) Kinda kidding because at this point I feel sorry for poor Marky Mark. 

Advice from the real pro (me): Alexa, the people have spoken. To get votes you must make Mark your mortal enemy. You know what to do. 

Andy and Sharna 36/40

Andy's Week 5 in 5 words: Big Balls and smelling farts. 

Switch up verdict: Great upgrade for Andy to get a pro who choreographs a dance that he can actually do well! Crazy. 

Advice from the real pro (me): Just be a better dancer! Is it that hard??? I like him though :-) 

Nick and Witney 35/40

Nick's Week 5 in 5 words: Wearing his big boy pants.

Switch up verdict: Didn't go as well as I thought it would which was such a freaking bummer!!!!! Witney really gave no cares and Nick was taking charge without any ballroom knowledge and the judges gave them bad comments and Nick was just like

NO ELIMINATION THIS WEEK! Which means next week will be so dramatic you do not want to miss this blog where you can read about breaking news 48 hours later! 

EVEN MORE THOTS ABOUT SWITCH UP WEEK: 

- Please try to imagine Gary Bussey in that opening number and all of the doors falling over like dominos 

-I feel a strong dislike between Maks and Julianne...

- I honestly want to know how many TamarLouis hashtags were out there (A job for DT Historian Maggie K.) 

- End of Time dance, going first, low scores, sounds familiar

- Erin Andrews hit us with the football reference once again to maintain her street cred 

- In case we needed another reason to make fun of Mark, he has "Patience" tattooed on his wrist

- WHY IS ABBY LEE THERE in the audience the day before she was indicted for fraud DWTS is so on brand

Best quotes from the group chat: 

"Holy shit the run into a split"

"That running split was everything and more!"

"I think I wore Julianne’s outfit once in a jazz dance"

"I sometimes appreciate her no shame approach"

"What man looks hot in a rhinestoned yellow top" (The answer is Val) 

"Derek is the best pro and Mark would have ruined that routine with face paint"

Next week:  Olivia Newton John? I don't get it... Grease-theme?? Please say yes? 

And a Glee reference made it into another blog! I win again.