Look guys, I love Valentine’s Day. My dad is named Valentine. My grandfather was named Valentine. My Widdle bitty brudder is named Vawentime. I’m with Sugar Motta- I would have to say that VDay is my FAVE DAY EVER (behind my birthday, Christmas and New Years Eve). It is the greatest, and Glee reminded us why.
Here are the 5 Greatest Things about Valentine’s Day, magical transposed into a Glee recap.
#5 The desperation of singles to find a Valentine at the last minute
No one likes being alone on Valentine’s Day (is that true? I hear people say it all the time) and Sugar Motta made it clear this Valentine’s Day there would be no sad and lonely single people allowed in her world. And apparently, Rory and Artie are both into dumb girls, (see Brittany S. Pierce obsessions) so IT WAS ON AND POPPIN to become Sugar’s Valentine. I mean who wouldn’t want her, she has the best pink outfits and she can pay your way to Nationals! (Hey Sugar, would you like to join the AU Dance Team? WE NEED MONEY!) She will also leave gifts under your seats like Oprah, or in a potted plant if you’re in a wheelchair. So Artie and Rory pulled out all the stops, candy hearts, stuffed animals, real animals and confetti. But the real decider of Sugar’s heart would be a sing-off between the two. If only Simon Cowell would have been there to judge, then maybe Artie’s clearly superior rendition of a ridiculously great song would win. (I used to be SO OBSESSED WITH MARIO 15 year old gettin his dough). But Rory knew that he was no match for Artie’s silky smooth vocals and wheelchair rockin’ so he played dirty and got the sympathy vote by lying and saying he was going to be deported. Poor, poor Artie. Sugar, you will rue the day you let him go. Next!
#4 Shimmying your love… all the way to the top
For people in long-term relationships- I imagine that V Day comes with a lot of pressure. You want to top last year’s box of chocolates, romantic date, or even last week’s desperate marriage proposal. For Finchel, their decision to go public with their engagement was met with mixed feelings by the Glee club, but with odd support from their parents. Enter Rachel’s gay dads, who I hope are on every episode until the end of time. Although her dads (and Finn’s parents) seemed to take this engagement extremely well (Go have teen sex now!) it turns out that they actually think it’s a terrible idea, and are using reverse psychology so that Rachel doesn’t marry Finn….makes perfect sense, since Rachel is SUCH a rebellious teen. So after a lovely dinner theater party and a 5 second lover’s quarrel, Rachel and Finn decided that in order to make this marriage work, they must get married right away!!! Seriously, they are so dumb. Trickery and deception never work the way you want, do they Parents? Valentine’s Day!
#3 Love Songs
When’s Mr. Shue’s Singing Telegram idea was shut down by Sugar’s wad of cash, I was alarmed. But hallelujah for stealing ideas and the God Squad! This band of weirdos introduced us to Joe Hart, a home-schooled teen Jesus. (If you’re from Africa, then why are you white?) This kid was apparently on the Glee Project, which I never watched, but he already seems wayyyy better than Rory always freakin singing about his homeland!!! Seriously, that’s 3 songs now dedicated to his fahmalee that he misses so much.
So anyway, the G Squee sang Stereo Hearts to Rachel (which was super great) but Santana was ticked because Principal Figgins was supporting a double standard which allowed heterosexual PDA but not lesbian kisses between her and Brittany. Satana did her Satana-thing and gave dreadlock boy 10 bucks to stop hating on her lady love. Which of course led us to a Bible/is gay ok debate, and thankfully Joe and the Goon Squalla realized that LOVE IS LOVE, and everyone should be able to do whatever they want.
Except Mercedes and Sam, because they should just not.
Yes, I have been critical of the so-called “romance” between Sam and Mercedes. This is because I felt like there was no impetus for their hook-up, it was clearly just a move by the writers to please Amber Riley fans. It’s fake and forced and gross. But little did I know, this seemingly useless and awkward storyline would bring us to the Whitney Tribute I have been patiently waiting for (since Saturday).
So, to Amber Riley: You have silenced your hater, that is me. And I would gladly (reeee!) sit through 100 more disgusting Samcedes kisses to hear your version of “I Will Always Love You” again and again. You outdid J Hud's Grammy performance, although you had the benefit of recording in a studio, but nevertheless I am floored at your flawless execution of that timeless Whitney classic.
Whitney is the greatest and I hope Glee does many of her songs in the future. That being said, I Will Always Love You is a breakup song right??? Please say this relationship is over! Pleaasse whyyyyyyyyy
#2 Secret Admirers!
I’ve secretly always wanted a secret admirer. Well it’s not really a secret because I tell people all the time. But this Vday, one Kurt Hummel, found himself in a sticky situation when it turned out that his secret admirer was not Cotton eyed Blaine, but instead big ole Karofsky! Saw that one coming from a mile away, but I still gasped when he took off the gorilla head. (WEYUD!!) Poor David, he clearly has issues if he thinks he can compete with Blaine. Sigh. Hearts. Also he is walking around in a Gorilla suit for days, so we need to take this kid to counseling, among other things. Of course Kurt, classy as ever, was sweet and compassionate, but I do believe he broke big ole bully’s heart! What a tragic way for a secret admirer saga to end!! Oh well, Sometime's it be's like that.
#1 Themed Parties
By far, the best part of Valentine’s Day is the culmination of all of the love, hearts, pink and red, balloons, cake, hook-ups, and love songs into one huge throwdown. I wish I was at the SugarShack party, and I’m sure everyone there wishes they had attended my themed party as well. How surprised was everyone that Mr. Shue didn’t show up? Maybe he and Emma were finally getting it on. Ew… And all I have to say is THANK CUPID THAT BLAINE IS BACK. The most perfect human being ever created. And his eye is healed! Phew. My Valentine’s Day is complete.
Overall Grade for the Episode. A
Favorite Performance of the Episode: I enjoyed Love Shack the most but appreciated I Will Always Love You the most. So it’s a tie- suck it!
Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Home performed by Rory. Can we stop trying to make fetch happen? It’s not going to happen!
Favorite Moment(s) of the Episode: When Kurt pulled the extra microphone out at the party and when Rachel chucked her hairbrush at the door.
Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:
When teen sex was brought up at dinner. That was too awkward for too many seconds.
Other Random Thoughts:
-Tony Danza dreams? What about Scott Baio??? You da one that I think about all dayayay
-Puck banging easy DZs hahahahah. "Just pick up the girls that fall off old Puckasaurus."
-Laugh out Loud moment: Seeing Shane cry.
-I love Rachel’s nighttime ritual, when she did her ice facial it reminded me of Season 1
-The cookie/cake Artie was eating looked delicious
-Finn jumping up in that heart at the party- yes.
-How do the New Directions only need $250 dollars?
-Brittany and Mercedes are always rocking the most ridiculous outfits but it's cool.
-Haven’t mentioned Beyonce in this entry, they should have sung Love on Top or Dangerously in Love, or Flaws and All or Crazy in Love or Love in this Club Part II.
Next week’s episode:
Regionals and Wedding? Cannot wait.
a) i must admit i have never watched chappelle's show, but i do understand your titles. a little.
ReplyDeleteb) i only caught the love shack scene last night because my dad made a bangin ass vday dinner. i'm so psyched to watch, particularly after this review.
c) NOW THAT YOU MENTIONED THAT MY DREADLOCK SWEETIE FINALLY MAKES HIS DEBUT, I WANT TO DIE INSIDE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WATCH. he. is. delicious.
--allison