Vaya Con Dios: Heavy Heavy Glee Got So Heavy Baby

OMG.

IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED LAST NIGHT’S GLEE EPISODE, DO NOT READ THIS BLOG POSTING. PLEASE. JUST STOP. IT WOULD MAKE ME REALLY SAD IF I SPOILED THIS EPIC EPISODE FOR SOMEONE.

I don’t even know where to start. How can I even comment on the rest of this episode after what just happened in the last 2 minutes???? I guess the show must go on!

First, the Glee writers are geniuses. The viewership for the April return and the buzz for the next month will be enormous. And I usually give my grade at the end of the post, but I want to start by giving “On My Way” an A++. Omg I just got why it was called “On My Way.” Genius!

Why would I give them such a high grade when they may have possibly taken away my inspiration for classiness and high ponies? Because man, Glee has jammed in so many life lessons in this and every other episode that I can’t be mad at them for their actions. Here is a few things that I learned from Glee this week:

Lesson #1 Be nice to people

Which leads us to the first Debbie downer, yet inspirational plot twist of the episode: Karofsky attempting suicide.

As Blaine performed a perfect rendition of a song I’ve never heard about cough syrup, we all witnessed a dark series of events in Karofsky’s new life. Gosh, I hate high schoolers so much. Whenever I see them hanging around DC, wearing more makeup than I have ever owned and looking like future George Hugelys I just want to shake them and ask, “Why don’t you go home and watch Trading Spaces and Rosie O’ Donnell with your mom like a good child?!?!?”

Poor, poor Karofsky. It was gut-wrenching to watch as he scrolled through the hateful FB comments. (Damn you, Zuckerberg!) And as he got dressed in his suit I was hoping that maybe he was going to turn it around and go to a nice dinner party or formal dance but unfortunately that did not happen.

But on the bright side (?) he lived! (The boy who lived!) But still, everyone was pretty torn up about it, especially, Kurt and Sebastian who felt guilty for the way they treated him. And all of the teachers realized that it is their responsibility to make sure kids are okay. JUST BE NICE TO PEOPLE.  

Lesson #2 It Gets Better

Then, Mr. Shue engaged his team in a “la la la Life is wonderful” circle of fun, which I actually loved. Turns out that Mr. Shue once almost threw himself over a ledge because he was caught cheating (to each his own) with the moral of the story being that everyone has their own dark place, but you have to be able to mentally move on to what’s ahead. BRAVA! Hey everyone, “I know things don’t all go the way they should, but I know the heart of life is good.”

Some of the best ambitions in the happy circle: Seeing Sex and the City Part 3, (IDHI!) Artie seeing his kids walk, (dagger) Puck wanting to graduate high school, (dagger in my heart) and Quinn wanting to graduate from Yale (12 daggers in my large intestine).

Sidenote: Kurt, usually I’m with you 100% but who are you to compare one person’s pain to another, homie? Yes, Quinn has never been a gay teen, but you have never been kicked out by your parents and have never given up your baby for adoption. And been broken up with by the two loves of your life. Soooo shup.

I hope that this episode did something for at least one person who is going through a rough time because IT DOES GET BETTER!

Lesson #3 Too much of nothing is bad enough, too much of something is just as tough (Girl Power)

So then we got to the portion of the episode that we assumed would be the center of the plot (when you assume, it makes an ASS out of U and ME) but only took about 1o minutes: REGIONALS = too much of nothing.  After New Directions refused to negotiate with terrorists (Sebastian), they were ready to whoop up on the Warblers. Warblers… you best be thinking about getting Blaine back because you have nothing without him. Sebastian is ite vocally but again, he will never be Blaine. Those songs needed to be about half as long.

The New Directions came out with some ridiculous song choices. Did I just see the Glee club rapping to Nicki Minaj at a show choir competition? TOO MUCH. I understand the inspirational theme, and the “I came to win” message. But there is only one person who can pull off covering Nicki Minaj and it ain’t Santana Lopez. Superbrass (Oh wait, here's another.)

And Artie’s R. Kelly did not do it for me! Hard to cover the world's greatest, I guess. Then all of a sudden, 10 girls who I had never seen jumped on stage and starting flailing around.  It took me a minute to realize that the stupid Troubletones were back. Vomit. “Stronger” is one of my favorite songs right now and I usually prefer the Glee versions of songs, but not even Mercedes could do it like K Clarx. And of all the songs in the world for Rachel to sing solo, you chose an unknown one about drinking a bottle of something? I did tear up a little when she slow-motion-looked at Finn, though.

Lesson #4 Everyone deserves to be happy

So New Directions won! And pregnant Sue (yep, that happened) was so hormonal and touched by their performance that she decided to let Quinny back on the Cheerios. AND THEN Quinn was so happy that she decided to support Rachel and Finn’s nuptials after all! And they shared a sweet, heartfelt BFF moment. And Kurt helped Karofsky imagine his happy life as a sports agent! And all was right in the world in anticipation for the most ill-conceived wedding of the century!

Lesson #5: Do not text and drive.

Quinn, no. Put down the phone. I know that you’re angry that somehow Rachel has an iPhone and you don’t- but trust me, I have a blackberry and it’s not so bad. Don’t throw your precious blonde life away.

As most of you know, I am obsessed with Quinn.

I’m hesitant in writing a lot about the incident because we don’t know the outcome, and I would not put it past Glee to have Quinn to come out of this with only a few bumps and bruises (even THAT would be more believable than Sam and Mercedes). But I still can’t get this knot out of my stomach and the feeling that my fictional hero might be gone from my life forever. And judging from her Gizzle Squizzle speech, she truly valued her life and wanted to live it, which makes it even more heartbreaking. Again, I’ll have to write more on this once I know what happens. Question: Will we fast forward to a month from now or will they just pick right up? I’m so confused and lost in the world right now.

I am not mad at Glee for doing this. I’m actually impressed that they went for it like that. This is some entertaining stuff and I was already glued to my screen but now my whole face is permanently attached for the next month. Seriously, I have to wait until April to find out what happens? Will I have a pit in my stomach until April? If this beeotch dies we are going to be watching some Debbie downer episodes for a while. How can they ever laugh again???? How can anyone’s life go on? I guess Glee will continue to teach my 23-year old self how to live my life. And btw I text and drive ALLLLL ZZZEEEE TIME but I actually think I might stop now. LIVE AND LEARN.

Overall Grade: A++

Attacked some TOUGH and HEAVY issues. And they had me the whole episode, right through those tragic last seconds.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: I honestly didn’t really love any of them, but I thought that Blaine’s song sounded perfect, despite the depressing subtext. I wanted it to be “Glad you Came” because I’m obsessed with that song but it was too boring.

Least Favorite Performance: Stand performed by the Warblers. Boring. Get a girl up in that jank.

Favorite Moment(s) of the Episode: Quinn and Rachel’s friendship moments. 1. Rachel’s look of pride when Quinn talked about graduating from Yale 2. Quinn’s look of utter happiness when hugging Rachel at the end 3. And the texting back and forth (although it may have led to Quinn’s demise). It’s so crazy how far they have come since Season 1.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: There were many as you can imagine, but has to be the realization that Quinn’s bangs were too short to fit in a high pony. I guess we’ll never get to see those bangs grow out… or will we?

Other Random Thoughts:

-I hate when Glee puts something on the preview that isn’t in the real show (Quinn being at the church)

-Why hasn’t JIF or Skippy exported Peanut Butter to Ireland/Scotland? Seems like there’s some money to be made.

-Sebastian is a little bitch. I’m over him.

-Do they have to cut to Mr. Shue backstage dancing along at EVERY competition?

-Who is Sue’s baby fahjah? Cooter? Will? Artie? Figgins?

-Rachel’s Dad’s plan seemed full-proof and hilarious.

-“I don’t drive.” Ok Patrisha.

-Jeff Goldbloom is killin it.

-Sugar Motta was on point as always

-The “Going the the Chapel” music in the background chilled me to the effin bone.

Next new episode: I might die waiting.