It's Ya Wedding So You Know Glee Bout to Wile i i Out. Happy Friggin_Val-entines Day.

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Amazing episode. I knew Glee had a reason for all of its bullshit! It all came together so brilliantly in this week's VDAY/Wedding Episode. It was freaking perfect all the way.

Last week Finn kissed Emma and so this week Finn was thinking "I'm a dumbass idiot" (which he is) and Emma was still stressing the fuck out about planning and her fiance's best man smooching her. (I personally can't wait to plan my wedding seating chart, it's like picking seating at the Grammy's. Gotta make sure T Swizzle and John Mayer sit as close as possible for maximum drama!) Mr. Shue wasn't really helping ole Emma out... and it's a bit concerning that he would rather spend time yelling "ha HA!" with his Glee Club than calming down his obviously hysterical bride-to-be. But hey, Emma knew what she was getting herself into the day she met this man. He loves his glee club what can you do??

Meet me at the altar in your conservative white dress, we ain't gettin no better at being teachers so we might as well do it.

But Emma is just a hot mess! Her OCD and bird lady tendencies are getting the best of her and after a maniacal duet with opera-singing Shue and 'Cedes, she FLEES THE SCENE like a robber in the night!! Run away from me baby, run away. Yeah she pulled a Mr. Big but she didn't try to come back. Gosh I wish Emma came back so Mr. Shue could have beaten her with some flowersand Puck could have pointed his finger sternly, saying "NO." Damn missed opportunities to recreate a classic!

But kudos to Glee, because we know now that completing the mission at Ginger Wedding Convention was never the plan, the plan was to get all of the kids together for a Valentine's Day party in semi-formal attire! The following kids are out with the Asian Bird Flu: Kitty, Sugar, Unique, Joe- they not outchea. Which just means Glee didn't have enough money to pay the whole cast this week.

But the new kids that remained were fucking great. Marley and Jake are dating ya know, and for VDay Marley got Jake cufflinks made from a TYPEWRITER?? wtf how does that work. Maybe I don't understand what a cufflink is, or maybe I don't understand what a typewriter is. And we are starting to see that maybe Jake isn't all he is cracked up to be because he forgot to get Marley anything for Valentine's Day and is considering taking weirdly dressed Puck's advice to use her eating disorder as a way to save money on a date and see a skinny girl in lingerie. Luckily, Ryder Strong is there to be a good friend and give Jake advice on how to rock Marley's Vday socks followed by very solemn glances of longing. So Ryder helps Jake KILL IT, and Marley eats it up. Then at the Ginger Convention, Jake decides he wants to try to take it to the next level (meaning sex), but both Marley and Ryder agrees that she isn't ready. Marley then figures out that Ryder was behind all of the VDay sweetness, and when she goes to thank him, Ryder does what any best friend would do and professes his love and kisses her! Sneak attack! My thoughts on this love triangle:

- It is grool. There is no better shape than a triangle.

- It is even grooler because Marley is about to actually be faced with a dilemma. Jake is perfect in every way and clearly loves her, but also, Ryder is perfect in every way and loves her. I have no idea who she will choose and I hope it gets hella dramatic yo!

Moving on to more triangular patterns with the old kids. There were so many I feel I can't even attempt paragraph form right now.

- Blaine and Kurt and Tina and Adams Apple

- Rachel and Finn and Brody

- Sam and Brittany and Santana and Quinn

- Artie and Ali and Sugar??? YES WHERE WAS SUGAR PEOPLE?

But before I start that, one more thing about the non-kids. Sue was genius in this episode. It's been a while since she has been genius and it was a welcome return to brilliance! The walking down the aisle was epic, as was the line about the stripped down version of "I Will Survive." My meeting Jane Lynch must have finally rubbed off on her. (by meeting I mean seeing at close range.)

So we catch up with Blaine and Kurt making out in the back of a car!! LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK FRAT TO ME!!! They are all over each other and cute at the wedding, but Kurt is trying to play it cool. Boy I know you want me I can see it in your eyes! Also in someone's eye is a look of straight psychopathic terror and that someone is Ms. Tina Cohen Chang. Yeah Tina went off on Kurt and admitted that she vapor raped Blaine and then Kurt called her a hag and Klaine decided to help Tina get a new bf. OK WTF Mike Chang was right there lookin scrumpcious!! Tina, come on ride the train. 

Also, Santana and Quinn were each other's dates commiserating over bad luck in love and how hot they both are. And then everybody in the club gettin tipsy and all of a sudden we've got ourselves a hot lesbian hookup!! Even this was great and kind of awesome, I just don't want Santana to fall in love with her. For a bad ass, Santana sho nuff is a needy bitch.

Freakin Aly (Ali) from the Glee Project 2 rolled up in there overacting as much as ever to be Artie's new love interest. She did an okay job considering her tendency to make horrific facial expressions. And Artie put it down! In a nerdy way. I'm sure Maggie Klee was foaming at the mouth.

Now to the most important couple of the century, FINCHEL. Rachel arrived to the wedding sans Brody because they want to keep it casual and apparently he is some kind of hooker or drug dealer. So Rachel and Finn naturally had to sing a duet together since Finn was so narvous about kissing Emma and all and Rachel was freshly spray tanned for the occasion. There was a lot of flirting and a lot of a tension now that Finn has been dieting, and I loved it all! Finn finally broke it down for Rachel- no matter what happens in between, we will be together in the end. SO FETCH. And then they sang a perfect duet and oh did I mention they got it on? Yeah they did man! And so did Blaine and Kurt, Santana and Quinn and Artie and Aly.

At the end of it all, we are left with a few parting thoughts. Here they are, spelled out in list form for you:

1. Aly and Artie are about to start dating. Bitch didn't win. Get Aylin in here.

2. Mr. Shue is still without his boo, has no idea where she is. Going to work with Finny Bear to find her and win her back.

3. Quinn is still straight but willing to go another round?

4. Rachel loves Finn. Finn loves Rachel.

5. Kurt and Blaine are still not together but it's looking better for them. And Tina seems to be over Blaine.

6. Marley and Jake are still in love and Ryder is still sulking in the background.

7. Rachel is pregnant!?!?!?!? There is no way her small body can carry that baby to term. Do I smell an abortion episode in the near future? Hot Button Issue #504.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A+++ BEST EPISODE EVER. EVER. EVER. Maybe not ever but definitely of the season.

Favorite Performances of the Episode: ALL OF THESE WERE SO GROOL SO I WILL GIVE THEM ALL THEIR PROPS AS SUCH:

#3 You're All I Need To Get By performed by Jake and Marley. Hearts and pink and beautiful voices and happiness. I want to be Marley.

#2 We've Got Tonight performed by Rachel and Finn featuring everyone else. SO FREAKING GROOL. We've Got Tonight to have sex in a hotel room.

#1 Just Can't Get Enough performed by Kurt and Blaine. Can't go wrong with a Klaine duet. And the freaking reception dancing was on point

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Getting Married Today performed by Will, Emma and Mercedes. It wasn't bad, Emma actually did a really grool job but it just alarmed me for a good portion of it and Will singing like he is on Broadway is never good.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Either Sue walking down the aisle or Brittany and Sam dancing hilariously at the reception.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: "She loves me, she loves me not" lines. Finn you are a wanksta and you need to stop frontin.

Other Thoughts

- When I saw Mercedes I realized that I have missed her. Is that how I'm going to feel about Tina when she graduates?? Doubtful.

- I never saw Mr. Shue in DC once so I think someone needs to double check his story

- Puck and Kitty are dating now. This could work. Except she is a SOPHOMORE! I thought he liked cougars?

- Becky as the flower girl

- Why is Mr. Shue's class learning about the history of the bald eagle?

- Everytime I hear "Anything Could Happen" I only picture 5th Harmony with those big ass bows on their heads

- Of course Rachel's short ass caught the bouquet because that is plausible

- If you want to cry today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tXAg5XdK8ac

Glist:

1. Sam. He had no lines in this episode but his reception dancing said it all

2. Ryder

3. Rachel

4. Blaine

5. Kurt

6. Jake

7. Emma

8. Sue

9. Mike Chang

10. Artie

Next New Episode:

Tres semanas??? Are you joking? Vamos al cine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSePfqwO-WE

The Writing's On the Blog: Thou Shalt Get My DIVA on (Dizeeva613)

-->What an appropriate week to create a DIVA episode, after Beyonce done threw it down at the Superbowl Halftime Performance. When I hear the word "Diva" I think of Beyonce 90% of the time and Mariah Carey 10% of the time, and Mariah is only included because she is a raging lunatic with the voice of an angel. (She is a pleasure to watch on American Idol though.)

Let me tell you a story bout the call that changed my Destiny.

It all started with Destiny's Children.

This ferocious and fweaky episode begins with Finny Bear having fear about his job security and rightfully so. I mean he is a 19 year old substitute Glee Club coach awaiting the impending return of last year's National Champion coach. But Emma Pillsbury in her infinite wisdom is always there to lend a helping pamphlet, and she encourages Finn to bring out the inner DIVA (I think I have to write DIVA in all caps for the rest of my life) in his children of destiny so that they will be fierce competitors at Regionals. (Emma, don't congratulate Finn on getting the kids to Regionals. He did not do that. They lost in embarrassing fashion while humping around on the floor singing "Gangnam Style.") Every time Emma comes up with a weekly theme it works so much better than any other inspiration- so Femma explains the theme to the club and all the girls and gays are super into it.

DIVA TIME! All of the bitches in Glee Club start talking smack and then spontaneously combust into a Diva/Catwalk/Sing-a-long. Glee, I BEG OF YOU stop letting Brittany sing Beyonce songs. And Whitney Houston songs. It's just immoral. But anyways they throw Marley in a leo and Unique in another middle-aged church lady ensemble and Blaine in the most ridiculous outfit I've ever seen (I can't believe Darren Criss let them cloth him in that!) as they strut around and Ms. Pillsbury yammers on hilariously about her Cheesecake Factory human rights.

Then Beyonce Giselle Knowles emerged as the true star of the group and took down everyone in her path.

If a DIVA is a female version of a hustla, Santana is a female version of a Jesse St. James. Bitch is back! Yes, she is back again. She quit college and now is just around to wreak havoc and teach people how to be DIVAS. Apparently if you quit school and are kicked off the cheerleading team, Louisville Cheerleading still lets you not only wear their uniforms but also take 4 or 5 cheerleaders to Ohio during basketball season to perform a non-cheer routine at glee club rehearsal.

Santana is pissed that Brittany is with Sam because she's just saying Brit could do better. FALSE. Not even Kim Kardashian could do better than Sam Evans so bite your tongue Satan! Trouty and Satan had a sing off. It was strange. Glee needs to do better transitions into things, and the way the instrumental of the song came in it sounded like they were about to sing "tale as old as tiiiiime..." Speaking of, why don't they ever sing Disney songs??? That could open us up to a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view.

So it turns out, Brittany doesn't want to be with Santana, and Santana doesn't want to be the future Cheerios coach after Sue kicks the bucket. (Where is Sue's baby? Did they completely forget about that? We never even found out who the father was. Praying for Sandy Ryerson.) So Santana decided to bounce her bouncy-as-hell ponytail all the way to New York whilst singing Girl on Fire better than Alicia Keys could have ever dreamed of singing it. Good luck Santana, idk why you chose to borrow one of Marley's hats for your travels but good luck anyway.

Spotted: Neck brace girl. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS.

Sometimes when you are a DIVA you have to let lesser human beings shine to make themselves feel better. Enter Kelly Rowland.

Kelly is Beyonce's best friend, so sometimes Beyonce lets Kelly feel important so that they can remain friends.

In New York, Rachel is at her finest DIVA confidence level, which is when most people hate her but baby that's the reason why I love you. Especially love when she held up the sign that she is resting her voice, like the time she put duck tape over her mouth to protest Glee Club when Quinn and Sam sang at Sectionals. But Kurt is annoyed by this and decides to knock her down a few pegs so she stops acting like a little biatch. Kurt reveals that Rachel's Defying Gravity win was a farce and then challenged her to a MIDNIGHT MADNESS DIVA-OFF!

SMH.  Kurt. Listen, you are great. But you are Kelly. You do a fine job. But you are a sidekick. Which is why I call EXTREME BULLSHIT on the verdict of the Midnight Madness competition! Rachel was hands down way better. It's laughable that they are trying to make fetch happen on this! Kurt, you are annoying me right now- and you never do that! You know you lost. This is again blasphemous.

So Rachel has low self esteem again, just like when Destiny's Child broke up and Beyonce went into a deep dark depression! "The depression was so severe it lasted for a couple of years, during which she kept herself in her bedroom for days and refused to eat anything. Knowles stated that she struggled to speak about her depression because Destiny's Child had just won their first Grammy Award she feared no one would take her seriously." (Thanks Wikipedia)

In even bigger news: Blaine has a cold. Blainy Days! (WTF SERIOUSLY WTF). And if she hadn't already ruined any chances of me liking her, this week Tina done pushed me to da edge.

Which bring us to Michelle Williams. I'll let this link do the talking for me.

Tina is the worst. And she has taken her obsession with Blaine to the max, as she offered up her support of his sick body and then proceeded to semi-molest him while he was sleeping and then got mad at him for no reason. She has turned into a full-blown psychopath!

Idk why the Glee writers keep trying to put her front and center! She is Michelle, meant to add to the number and round out the group, maybe give her a couple of lines here and there, but never give her a full song, never zoom in the camera on her, especially while she is being shot out of the underworld onto stage. And in another blasphemous turn of events, Tina won the freakin Diva competition! To which Brittany yells in slow motion " she never wins anything" haha for good reason. I promise this blog is not an attack on Tina Cohen Chang I just get angered that the writers are wasting our time and undermining our Glee intelligence and talent judging skills! Just like if Destiny's Child made a song of Michelle singing lead I would probably just skip over that track every time. I don't want her kicked out of the group I just want her be grateful that she gets to breathe the same air as Beyonce and lip sync nicely in the background.

Moving on to another psychopath losing their grip with reality: Finn has gone and lost his mind. How can I relate Finn and Emma to Destiny's Child?   Can't really do this so I'll just relate this to the time Lil Bow Wow was dating Ciara. Finn found out about Rachel moving in with Brodacious and immediately started giving EMMA FREAKIN PILLSBURY the eyes. He called her Emma. He kissed her. Louuuuuuuuuuddddddddder Finn. Interesting and gross turn of events. Clearly Emma didn't want no part of that shit!

Overall grade for the episode: A-

I really enjoyed it for the most part, besides the blasphemous competition winners. The Finn and Emma thing was weird but I get it. 
 

Favorite performance of the episode: Bring Him Home performed by Kurt/Rachel or Don't Stop Me Now performed by Blaine just on principle alone.  Even though I'm so against wife beaters and Blaine did some way over the top lip syncing.

Least favorite performance of the episode: Hung Up performed by Tina. Like come on now seriously. Tighten up, Tina. Stop letting your head bobble around like its about to detach. Miley Cyrus backup dancer. And this song??? Of all Madonna songs???

Favorite moment of the episode: Such a genius moment- go back and watch if you can't remember. When Kurt and Rachel were arguing and Rachel says "I wouldn't do that babe" and Kurt says "Why nottttttt" with wide eyes LOTS OF LAUGH I watched that like 50 times.

Least favorite moment of the episode: Tina molesting Blaine while he was asleep. BY FAR.

Other Thoughts:

-How does Brody know the closest vicory margin of midnight madness history?
-Tay tay as a nickname for Tina. How does that even work?
- Emma is soooo good.
- Carl! Please show up at the wedding.

- How many days of the week can you say Raven Symone got a shoutout on your favorite show? Not never! Come for the partay stay for the coray.

-Arties line of the episode: But... uh... oh.

- Sue's line to Santana about the income needed to support those scientists working on her teleporters was so fetch

Glist:

1. Rachel

2. Emma

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Ryder

6. Jake

7. Sugar

8. Kitty lookin fierce with that straight hurr

9. Santana

10. Brody

159. Tina

Next Week's Episode

Wemma wedding!! Or will Emma run away with Finn? I have super high expectations. Don't let me down Glee. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7QMP5n8Wlw

Nekid. She wants to play Gleek and hide no one to hide behind.

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Hello. Glee is working towards something right? They have to be. There has to be a logical explanation why they spent a whole episode trying to make fetch happen in terms of Sam's hot body issues, Marley and Jake's too soon love professions and a Rachel vs. Rachel schizophrenic duet. The air is humming and SOMETHING GREAT is coming! But for now, let's go skinny dip in the grool.

First things first. Sam and Blaine snitched on the Warblers and got them disqualified from Regionals for using bison nostril spray to amp up their musical song and dance performances. Riiiiiight. So now the New Directions get to go to Regionals by default. So you're telling me that with Marley passing out on stage they still beat that other Christian group?? Ain't no way Gangnam Style was better than She'll be Comin Round the Mountain--- and the New Directions were disqualified right??? They didn't win second place. So did the Christian group get disqualified too? For drinking from the cup of salvation before they perfomed? Yall need to go to logic school and catch up to the real.

Or maybe the top 2 sectionals winner get to go to Regionals??? But no, that's not right is it? I don't know now they've got me fucked up. Whatever.

So just going along with the Glee assumptions of reality- Glee Club is in Regionals and need money to pay for the bus to Indianapolis. I wonder if they will drive through Pawnee to get some Sweetums candy or Rent-A-Swag!! How will they get the money in time?? I guess Tina is full of ideas this year because she comes up with doing a "Men of McKinley" Calendar. Tina- you are so annoying sit down and shut up. Gosh I wish Rachel Berry and Santana were back in the choir room to drown her annoying baby voice outta here!

So everyone immediately agrees that this is the best idea ever because apparently this year's Glee guys are the hottest ever. UMMMMMM what. Puck and Finn and Mike Chang would pwn Jake, Ryder and Sam in a hotness contest any day. Well maybe not Sam- his trouty mouth swag is really working for him these days.

Speaking of Trout and Mouth, Sam found out that he is a true idiot and got a 300 or something on his SATs. Why is Principal Figgins the one telling them their scores, and why is he telling them in front of each other? Like why does Brittany have to be there to hear that? And Brittany drew a penis on her SATs and got a near perfect score- that's what I did on mine too and that's how I got into Mitt.

So long story short, Sam gets down on himself and realizes that the only good thing about him is his white chocolate sex appeal, and to that I say PRAISE because Sam is like whoa. So Sam went over the top in getting himself and the other guys ready for the photo shoot, which included spray tans (Holla- got one yesterday- look like an oompa loompa), Broga, and a Nelly/90's song mashup that including some intense vag exercises assisted by Cheerios. I'd like to give Trouty his props for doing a great Nelly. Aiiiiiii.

Oh yeah Sue and Finn are still awkwardly beefin. Apparently Sue was really protesting hard off camera about that calendar and Finn wanted to prove her hypocrisy by digging up her old Penthouse nude spread. Ok this was the dumbest thing ever. Stop it with this. Only good part of this was Finn saying "You can suck a hot one" with a straight face.

Also, Artie doesn't want to pose half nude. And Finn says to Artie- it's okay to say no. And it's okay that there's a part of yourself you want to keep private... maybe he was trying to send those thoughts to his long lost love Rachel Barbie Berry?

Speaking of slutty barbie, Rachel is in New York if you hadn't heard. And she is such a grown up!! Having sex with Brody and doing weird plays to break into the biz. Her most recent project requires a topless scene and she is TORN UP about it!! So torn that her old awesome self comes back to sing a duet with herself... about being torn in what I like to call Rachel vs. Lea Michele. This musical number came WAYYYY to soon in the decision-making process, (she can't really be "torn" less than 30 seconds after being presented with the dilemma) and the song battle didn't do much to persuade Lea Michele to keep her bra on- it would take more than a self-harmonized duet to do that. KUDOS TO GHOST RACHEL FOR TELLING LEA MICHELE THAT HER PORN STAR HAIR IS OUT OF CONTROL.

Enter Kurt, Santana and Quinn. HAVE AN INTERVENTION! HAVE AN INTERVENTION! YOUR FAMILY'S HERE! Also Brody was naked and Kurt was like oooooweeeee what's up with that. what's up with that. In the end, Rachel just wasn't ready to get down like that in front of a bunch of fat camera men/musicians so she marched out wearing her pink robe and rejoined Santana and Quinn in girl power and innocence! Does this mean the end of slut ass shallow Rachel? Here's hoping! And Santana is gonna move to NY it seems. Snaps for Satan.

So the Men of Mckinley stripped down to their skivvies, Rachel decided to keep her A cups under wraps, but it wasn't all about objectifying nude bodies this week- we also got naked emotionally and let it all hang out Jake and Marley style.

Brittany S. Pierce brought Marley on Fondue for Two and grilled her on her love/obsession with Hunger Games, Anorexia and Jake. So I guess this got Marley to thinking that she should EXPOSE herself since Jake was willing to get naked for a calendar. That's logical. So Jake and Marley had a secret monkey meeting in the auditorium where they sang the most lovely duet and Marley almost told Jake she loved him. And then Jake admitted to Ryder <3 that he loved Marley. Is this real? They have been dating for like 3 days. So then Jake sang the most AMAZING dedication jam to Marley in Glee Club accompanied by a string quartet and eventually it was revealed to each other the revelation that there love is revelatory. What is the deal with these two? Maybe we are supposed to be rooting for them so we will be crushed when Jake punches her out or something. He has an anger problem right? I do think they are cute together so I guess Ryan Murphy wins again.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

Not a super great episode, but I thought all of the musical performances were TOP NOTCH BABY. The McKinley stuff was a little all over the place, but I actually thought the Rachel/Kurt stuff made sense for their age and current status. Nice to see Quinn and Santana for 2 minutes.

Favorite Performance of the Episode Love Song performed by Rachel, Quinn and Santana. 100 million reasons why.

Close second and third: This is the New Year performed by the New Directions. So adorable- been jammin this song for the last week. It was just so clearly a song that Ryan Murphy liked and wanted to do and Let Me Love You performed by Jake. So good.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Torn performed by Rachel and Rachel. I didn't like it in the context of that point of the episode.

Favorite Moment(s) of the Episode Kurt being disgusted by Rachel and Brody at breakfast and of course Sam Evans with the classic line: "Well haters gonna hate."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode Jar Jar Binks posing for the calendar. Also Finn sucks now so every time he did anything.

Other thoughts:

-Hot new co-anchor??? Can we say Puck!!!?!?!?
-Brittany's switch leap in This is the New Year still perplexes me. I guess she is being sarcastic.

-I wonder how long Quinn and Santana had to stand behind Rachel's door before she arrived
-Britt's Shoulda Been line: "You know how I know you are both hot? Because I've sexed both of you"

-Jake lookin at that Cheerio like why the hell are u spray tanning my half black ass

-Did Blaine forget that Tina loves him? Does he still love Sam? That hug was steamy

-Return of the neck brace girl!!! This has to be Ryan Murphy's niece or something right?

-Weird creepy piano music when Artie started talking about penthouse. Not cool.

Glist

1. Kurt

2. Sam

3. Blaine

4. Jake

5. Quinn

6. Santana

7. Rachel

8. Ryder

9. Sugar idk

10. Emma I just like her ok?

Next Week's Episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7GjzYF3iyk

DIVAAAAAAA work! take it to another level no passengers on my plaaaane