#HaveNone of the Lights: Bourree Monster Strikes Again

The power is out! Hasn't this school been through enough?? The humanity!

Yes, Glee created an episode on the premise that the lights went out so everyone has to cope with that musically... take a moment to digest it and move on. Let's assume that the darkness and lack of electricity was a metaphor for baring your soul and being innovative in music without the bells and whistle. Assume that was the point of this ridiculously- themed ep and let's go.

If all of you have been racking your brain asking yourself  "Is Ryder an idiot?" the answer is yes. Yes he is.  He still doesn't know who the catfish is.. even though he knows it is someone in Glee Club (or is it?) and yet he is STILL continuing to carry on a catfishian relationship with this person. Ummm, hey Ryder- why don't you just stand up in front of the club and say HEY GUYS WHO THE FUCK IS CATFISHING ME RIGHT NOW. OUT WITH IT. Instead he is just making himself look like more and more of a certified idiot by not finding out, and by telling all of his secrets at awkward times for no reason.

And his secrets did come out this episode, but let's rewind and work our way up to that incredibly awkward confession.

The lights went out, so Mr. Shue made everyone sing acoustic songs. Woooooo shutup. Trouty Mouth sang first and then randomly got in a tizzy about the merits of being able to function as an Amish (you were conceived to that depressing ass song??) and I cannot see anything that anyone is doing on the screen because THE LIGHTS ARE OUT AND IT IS DARK. So basically we hear and not see the following things unfold:

Ryder wants to find out who the catfish is, so he devises a sneaky plan to reveal his deepest darkest secret so that he can see the look on his glee club members faces, because the person who is NOT surprised would expose themselves as the catfish since they already know his deepest, darkest secret. Some of the best logic I have ever seen on Glee. So he sings a depressing song with full orchestration (thank God, Mr. Shue, I don't know what we would have done without that full orchestration) about everybody hurting, which seems like it now could to apply to everyone getting slushied. What... I thought they were popular now that they won Nationals, but apparently not- they are still Nerd Fergusons and everybody hurts. For a second I thought that his deep dark secret was that he was the one behind the slushy-ing for the last 3 years or that he was on this secret show before high school called The Glee Project Season 2 but it turns that he was molested by his 16 year old babysitter as a child. LOUDER.

Ok by the way during this episode everyone was doing a lot of texting, which I'm surprised I even noticed since the screen was PITCH BLACK but the biggest texters were def Kitty Kat and Artie so they are my front-runners for Catfish of the Year.

So back to Awkward City, Ryder was molested, but his male friends don't think it was so bad because his babysitter was a girl and he basically was getting acting as an 11-year old so he should be proud. (We should have known that this Glee Club doesn't think much of child molestation because of all of the Michael Jackson worship. ZING.) Overall, this was just so uncomfortable and awkward. This kid Ryder has some issues. Mainly because he chose to tell everyone in his extracurricular activity about the child molestation, but also because his decision to tell everyone was based on the premise that this would help him figure out who the catfish was which failed miserably because UMMM IT'S DARK AS FUCK THE LIGHTS ARE OUT GENIUS so he couldn't see anyone's reaction. hahahahaah as I wrote that I just cracked up laughing THIS SHOW IS BONKERS YALL and I love it.

All the while, Kitty is looking at Ryder with some crazy eyes, and it turns out that she has also been molested, so they go on a date and bond and it is actually pretty sweet in an icky and depressing way. I'm not opposed to this combo. (Puck broke up with her apparently. Kitty, that is no reason to tell lies; Puck is beautiful and always will be so bite your tongue.) But THEN later when Kitty tries to take Ryder out to Subway (awwwwwww) he ditches her so he can spend more time catfishing on the interweb. So if you are here trying to figure out this mystery with me, it would seem as though Kitty is NOT the catfish because he was "pinging" Cattyfish almost the exact same time he was talking to Kitty. But then it also could be plausible that she IS the catfish and is just a really fast texter and the reason she is getting so upset is that she doesn't know how to tell Ryder that she is the Fish of Cats. Either way, it seems as though Kitty really likes Ryder, and he is just confused about life so I'm sure by the next two episodes all will be revealed and we can finally get some closure on this awkward situation that has taken place at McKinley High. What if they carried this mystery out until Season 5 I think I would throw myself in a lake.

***UNNECESSARY BUT YET COMPLETELY SATISYING PLOT ALERT***

Artie got inspired by both Sam's Amish lifestyle and the sweet sound of a crunching water bottle and got everyone to perform "We Will Rock You" with household items which was COMPLETELY stupid until Jake the Snake decided to tap dance and turn and make it all worth it!

In completely unrelated and unimportant news: Sue is no longer a teacher or cheerleading coach, she is an aerobics instructor for a sexually charged group of twenty-somethings and Blaine. Coach Roz and Becky Buckwild are not getting along, mostly because NeNe thinks Becky is Sue's full grown baby child teenager, and Becky makes fart noises everytime NeNe blinks. I am too tired and burnt out to even try to understand that aerobics class, or why anything is happening with these characters so I am just going to erase it from my memory, only to be reminded of it again in about 5 minutes when I re-read this blog several times.

And in this week's daily dose of NY life in 5 points.

1. Rachel and Kurt have an intervention with Santana because she has become a cage dancer and is not using her talent to the fullest. "You are the most talented person I know, obviously with the exception of me and Kurt." TDODO.

2. Izzy (SJP) is still's Kurt's boss and she invited him and his friends to come work VIP aka sing on stage at the NYC Ballet Gala.

3. Burt Hummel is doing better- thanks for the update Glee.

4. Apparently, Rachel, Kurt and Santana were all transformed in their younger years by taking ballet class. All 3 of your teachers should be fired and punished for the dancers that you turned out to be. And now Santana loves to dance. And looks amazing and just like CeCe from New Girl.

5. Santana and Izzy aka SJP were up on stage talking shit about their parents. Disrespectful. Kurt and Rachel had supportive parents so they will have none of that.

That's all folks.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B

There was just like no point for half of the shit that transpired and I couldn't see half of what was going on because you know, the lights were out.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: The Longest Time performed by the New Directions. Saved the musical performances thank God. Also Mr. Shue snaps weird.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Little Girls performed by Sue Sylvestor. I will never get back those 3 minutes.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: By far Jake tap dancing and doing 13 turns in a row. I rewound and repeated several times. FINALLY!

Least favorite moment of the Episode: Sue doing everything that she did. Mainly singing that damn song. Although I do know what it feels like to have your life controlled by little girls what up #AUDTREPRESENT

Other thoughts:

-Why does Glee promote scenes that aren't even in the episode like the one of Blaine trying to get the truth out of Becky Buckwild?

-Brittany took the week off to go get impregnated

-Sugar hasn't been in an episode in like a year and a half

-How are we supposed to believe that Sam Evans knows who Phil Spector is?

-Jessica Sanchez yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

-Sam should never be serious again

-My favorite quote of the night: (Yours truly as I was taking notes): "Wtf is this the land of idiots" -Rachel Southall

-Figgins always coming with the classic lines: "Your brains are to remain in the on position"

-Tina holding it down with her 1 line per episode. She is graduating in 2 episodes are they going to try to make it seem like she will be missed

-I can't beleive they mentioned Artie singing a Miguel song but didn't pull the trigger!

Glist:

1. Jake (snaps)

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Kitty

6. Rachel

7. Santana

8. Coach Roz

9. Artie

10. SJP

Next Week's Episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPMtR8GzOkE

Very Confused that a tribute episode is the 2nd to last one of the season. Looks like Kurt and Mersizzle are back and that Blaine is going to propose. And Kate Hudson. (meh) This episode could be great, horrible, or average, or any other adjective you can think of

In American Idols news:

Mariah Carey must go. Keith Urban is a little ladybug (in a great way) and Nicki Minaj actually makes sense and looks amazing.

My favorites:

1. Amber

2. Angie

3. Candice

4. Kree

Kreedom needs to get out of there! She looks so bored and scared. Angie is #inittowinit as they say so I believe the top 2 will be Angie and Candice.

Amber should win because she is the most believable as a real artist but Angie is really getting me week after week so we shall see!

Also, why isn't Jimmy Iovine a judge???? Maybe they told him he would have to take off that backwards cap and he was like NO DEAL.

#seacrestout

#TakeAShotForGlee: Alone in the world with a little Catfish. Dreamzzz

OKAY PEOPLE CALM DOWN, RACHEL’S GLEE BLOG IS BACK IN ACTION.

I didn’t blog last week because I was doing something way more important than blogging about a fictional musical comedy. Hard to believe I know.

So where were we? Ah, yes. Repeating storylines about fat cats and dreaming… can’t wait!

We will start off with: Brittany is still an idiot. She thought the world was coming to an end again- didn’t we already do that like FOUR episodes ago? (Swan Song?) And so Mr. Shue played along with this idiotic idea and assigned the “last-chance song” as the theme of the week. Eye Roll. 

All the while, normal Ryder turned green and tore through all his clothing and became the psychotic Ryder when he finally tried to meet his secret internet love boo. Basically he saw the girl who he thought was his lova and sang her a completely unnecessary lullaby.  But it turns out that his myspace mama was just using the picture of the blonde girl Yolanda or whatever, so Ryder is DEFINITELY GETTING CATFISHED YALL. But in typical Glee fashion, we have no new information we don’t feel that. Who. In the hell. IS THE CATFISH??!!??!?!? I’m so confused. Not Sugar or Jesus because they don’t come to school anymore. Marley, Jake and Kitty all said it wasn’t them. Brittany and Tina were not in the choir room. I thought that Unique was already ruled out because her ringtone is Bootylicious and when Riley dialed the CatFish the ringtone was definitely like RING RING RING. So who do we have left? Artie, Sam, Blaine? Coach Beiste? I still think it could be Marley- that would actually make sense. I’m sure this will either never get resolved or it will end up being Unique because my life is destined for disappointments. (Just kidding my life is a breeze!)

Soooo yeah props to Glee for slipping in the title “Shooting Star” without me realizing that there was going to be a school shooting. Oh maybe because no one really actually shot anyone… BUT NONETHELESS shit got real and real scary and Maggie, Brittany and I all held our breath for a good 12 minutes.

Shots fired! In McKinley. The kids in the choir room hit the deck and screamed and cried.

Best cryers of the group were definitely Blaine and Kitty Kat. Mr. Shue had basically no control over his classroom and gave stupid advice about tweeting and had there been an actual shooter on the loose, Trouty Mouth would have gotten everyone killed trying to save his girl, Brittany. She was in the bathroom looking scared as shit the whole time. That moment of her in the bathroom… I mean I’m normally a Brittany hater but that was AMAZING. Accascuseme. Well done Heather Morris you were probz thinking about your unborn child in your stomach with your pregnant self! Scandalous. Also, Artie started an impromptu video time capsule in which Jake shouted out Puck, which was unintentionally hilarious.  I was sure in my mind that Artie was going to get shot and it would have created a reverse Jimmy Brooks, enabling him to walk again!

Anyway, everyone was saved and it turns out that we were not ever really in too much danger. Becky was scared and brought a gun to school… LOUDER but then she dropped it and the gun went off. Sue took the rap for her and got FIRRRRRRED. Fired. Ya Fired. Several problems. Clearly Becky brought the gun to the school for a reason. Don’t know if she was planning on shooting someone, lesbihonest it was probably going to be Mr. Shue because really who doesn’t want to shoot him? So now she is still allowed to come to school...come on Sue, that is beyond dumb to just take yourself out of the situation when she is clearly having such a troubled time. I get that Sue is trying to protect Becky and also the public perception of kids with disablities but now we got Becky Buckwild roaming around school throwing accordions and that ain’t safe!  I’m sure the truth will come out but we shall see… 

Overall, I liked the shooting premise and I thought it was PERFECTLY ACTED which is always a stretch for Glee. When Blaine was worried about Tina my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. AND KITTY KAT FOREAL THOUGH?? You are da bomb. 

RANDOM THING HAPPENING ALERT:

Coach Shannon Beiste, realizing that she may die soon, boils pasta in a hot tub and professes her love to Will Shuester.  So uncomfortable. Especially since apparently WEMMA is back on! But I’m guessing Emma is still not back at work because Will was none too concerned about her during the shooting. She has taken like 2 months off of work at this point. Anyway, Shue shut Bieste down and then got her into online dating, because CLEARLY that is working out so great for our young Ryder. The ONLY good thing about this random thing happening is that we got to see Ken Tanaka’s gorgeous mug on a computer screen. Ken Tanaka lives! Acafellas reunion!

So I guess the point of the entire episode was that you don’t know when ur last day is going to be (death via meteorite/shot to death) so appreciate everyone while they are there. Is it bad that I kind of wish that the shooter was real and that it was the piano guy?
***
So then a week goes by and everyone is still pretty shaken up by the shooting. Sam Evans is coping with his PTSD by inventing a fake twin named Evan Evans and that’s all anyone really needs to know about the episode because it is the best thing Glee has done since the nickname “Trouty Mouth”. But I guess I’ll continue.

Since the Glee Club made it to Regionals on a technicality, they must start preparing for competition ASAP. The theme for Regionals is DREAMS which like WHAT didn’t we already do this theme season 1?? I specifically remember doing about 5 dreams-themed songs in the past but sure why not let’s go another round.

Shue’s got a boot up his ass and is hating on everyone but you know what- rightfully so. His glee club is a whiny bunch of bitches these days. Marley is so sad because she wrote some ORIGINAL MUSIC ****ORIGINAL MUSIC ALERT TAKE COVER HIDE YOUR WIFE HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE**** and no one wants to hear about a fat mom.  Tina has a new style… is that really written in this show? And Unique wants boobs. I think Mr. Shue spoke for all of us when he proclaimed “Unique, you need to tone it down with the whole boob thing.”

Across the interstate at Lima University (sounds like a fine institution) Finn and Puck have kind of sort of enrolled and it’s SPRING BREAK FOREVER. (Spring Breakers joke.. you wouldn't get it) I will try not to harp on this too much but it is sooooooo uncomfortable watching Finn/Cory Monteith partying since he has checked into rehab. So uncomfortable. Poor guy. I hope he is getting better. Now back to hating on his character.

Finn wears a wife beater too often and he is slacking off and not doing right by his sociology prof! Shue and Puck finally sit him down and knock some sense into him so that one day he can become a good teacher. So Finn and Mr. Shue finally bury the hatchet after the whole Finn kissing Emma thing and now Finn is GETTING COLLEGE CREDIT FOR BEING THE ASSISTANT GLEE CLUB COACH. What will happen with the frat that Finn and Puck joined with no hazing?  Such boners.  Click that link if you want to have the best read of your life.

Since Shue and Finn made up, Shue decides to let Marley do her rainbow and lollipop original songs, so here we go again. Marley, Sam, Blaine and Unique stand around in a circle and read music perfectly (when did they learn to do that? I thought they were all just street rats.) My first thought was does this song even rhyme? Second thought was these lyrics are going to uplift me on a day when I have low self-esteem and damn Glee’s got me again! But then they sang another song in the end about being an outcast and let me just put it out there that if “sticks and stone will break these bones” are in your lyrics you need to stop the performance immediately and go back to the drawing board.

OH YES AND NENE (Coach Roz) IS BACK!! The only plot-moving purpose that could possibly exist for her return could be that she will get Becky to admit the truth about the gun. But in the meantime she is just hilarious and the dark-sided fruity voodoo hex talk was so hilarious as was the blood oath taken by suspicious Cheerios captains Blaine Warbler and Becky Buckwild. <3NeNe&Kim4Ever

Last thing: Rachel Barbara Berry auditioned for Funny Girl in NY. She has apparently “sworn off men” riiiiiight and is standing around the piano staring lovingly into her mother’s eyes waiting for a pop song to start. But anyway, following Finn’s advice, Rachel decided to audition with a song that was near and dear to her heart, so she sang “Don’t Stop Believin” accompanied by the original New Directions. RREEEEEEEMMMMMIXXXXX. Of course I cried! Do you know who I am!?!?!? And she got a call-back! Go girl

So yeah that was a lot of rambling. ARE YOU SATISFIED PEOPLE??? #canilive

Overall Grade for Shooting Star: A

Overall Grade for Dreams: B+ Lack of creative episode title gets it graded down

Favorite moments of the episodes

Sam Freaking Evans doing his thang and Nene making them repeat that blood oath

Least Favorite Moment of the Episodes

Finn being an asswipe of epic proportions and Ryder’s Dilemma. It just hurts. 

Favorite Performance of the Episodes: Don’t Stop Beliebin performed by Rachel obvi and Next to me performed by Rachel and Shelby Corcoran. Rachel sounded perfect. You really brought Shelby back though for 1 second though.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episodes: Fight for your Right to Party. This performance was so low in my eyes that is beat out 2 original songs. I just never got the Beastie Boys. Too much white boy yelling. 

Glist:

1.     Sam

2.     Blaine

3.     Rachel

4.     Kitty

5.     Artie

6.     Puck

7.     Coach Roz

8.     Jake

9.     Ryder

10.  Kurt

Other thoughts:

-Can we get to freaking regional’s already???? Yalls timeline is way off
-Glee is coming back for 2 more seasons! That means maybe we will finally find out what happened to Sandy Ryerson and April Rhodes

-Blaine as honorary Rachel #hellzyea

Next week’s episode

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwfrLqch-H8

SJP is back for no good reason I’m sure. When the lights go out… please let them sing that