Mo Beatles Mo Proms: Blood Diamondz

2^nd episode, 2^nd episode,

Took me forever to finish this blog, I was too busy sitting back eating bon bons and shutting down the government. John Beohner, ever since you came around it’s obvious you shut that thang down. You shut it down. You shut it down. Etc. I also am writing this on an Amtrak train and I can’t open Youtube so no links this week! EVERYONE CAN SUCK IT.

So anyways, Glee Season 5, episode 2. Ry Murph Loves de Beatles so we got more beatles!  And if there’s more less stuff then you might want to have some more and your parents just don’t let you because theres only a little.

Anyway, we want more we want more because we really like it we want more BEATLES and in their experimental years. Mr. Shue says not to be afraid of failure! So we will go forth, fearless.

Since it is April or May, (it is not) we are having a prom episode! Glee has no rules, and just does whatever they want whenever they want. As in the past, somehow Glee Club members are on the prom court. Prom King nominees are Blaine, Artie, some kid named Muhammed, which is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once,  and my main man Stoner Brett. The fact that Blaine wasn’t all 4 nominees is despicable and undermining.

The Queen nominees were Kitty Kat, who is a sophomore and Tina Cohen Chang who is just herself. And some others, but most importantly deez 2 bishes and Tina now has her chance to be bigger than Jesus. Upon the announcement of prom nominees, Tina promptly dumps Sam as her date, who so mercifully agreed to go with her last week. Like the dumb ho that she is. Just smh.

Anyway, so we were introduced to Bre, or Bri, or Brie, or Bree, can’t decide, last week, and this week she is back up in the building to make sure that a Cheerio wins the crown in 2013. Let us all remember that the last 2 prom queens have been non-cheerio Glee Club members, and one was Jewish (Rachel, but she didn’t really win) and one was a guy.

SPOILER ALERT: Bre is the best- I loved her little rant against Kitty and she seems to be pure evil and I’M SMILING BECAUSE I LOVE IT. She yells at Kitty for not campaigning and then puts up posters everywhere with Kitty’s head on Olivia Munn’s body. When I ran for homecoming queen some of my friends made posters for me and put them up but then I LOST but we are all losers so I guess sometimes it be’s like that. Hahah. In the meantime, Tina and her lacky campaign on the following platform: “Don't be racist, vote for Tina. If you don't vote for Tina you are racist.” THE RACE IS ON!

NEW YORK CITY UPDATE:

Santana and Rache are still working at the restaurant when they where costumes and sing and dance, and Santana has her eyes on Dani/Demi Lovato. And Kurt got a job there too.

**Congrats Naya on your engagement and Drake song shout out! Way to go girl! **

Anyway, so Dantanya flirt, and Santana is scared because she has never dated a FULL ON LESBIAN, only half lesbos like her once true love Brittany S. Pierce. The mention of Brittany made me blink 5 times in a row. Demi and Santana are the cutest little couple ever, they sing “Here Comes the Sun” AS THE SUN COMES UP I mean you can’t take a Beatles song any more literally than that. ADORABLE.

In case you forgot, Kurt, Santana and Rachel are in New York trying to make it in the biz of show. Last week Rachel assumed that she wasn’t going to get the Funny Girl role, and this week she was knocked down to an even lower peg of loserdom when she found out that Santana got her first commercial deal.

OK that yeast commercial was quite possibly the best thing that has Glee has ever come up with. Hooray for comedy. @so_grool, go watch it now.

So Rachel tries not to be bitter about her friend’s successful yeast commercial, and while volunteering for the annual piano tuning workshop (???) Kurt gives her a pep talk and they sing and dance around to a Beatles song that I have never heard and never want to hear again. Sounds like something I made up when I was in my childhood singing group Caution. (See our Wikipedia page for hits like “Nature” and “Listen to the Music” @so_grool) On the bright side, Rachel looks flawless, and decides that she should no longer be afraid of failure (TYING INTO MR. SHUE’S LESSON OF THE WEEK OH MY STARS) and so she starts auditioning for everything.

Rachel, Kurt and Santana make a 2 year pledge/pinky swear to stay in New York and give it their all, and then their co-worker Gunther, who is probably the son of Gunther from Friends, points Rachel to a very hungry customer who wants an entire cake to himself. So apparently this restaurant makes personalized cakes, I mean this place has it all! Can I get a trouty mouth stripper to come out of a cake while singing and dancing? It’s the casting director, and he tells Rachel she got the part! Great reactions all around and we are so happy! Ummmmm that shit is about to be buzz killed next week and you all know it.

Back to Ohio, Sue is still principal of McKinley and has decided that because of the school’s abysmal attendance records, all of the students should get vaccinations. Am I remembering that right? Because that makes little sense. Sue also brings up the very valid point that Glee Clubbers come and go as they please and have horrible school attendance and that she is suspicious that Artie may have polio…

Anyway, Sam is selected to go to the school nurse first, merely because he was standing with Mr. Shue at the time of Sue’s tirade, and also because he used to be homeless so Sue thinks he is diseased. If having bad bitch was a crime he’d be arrested. So he goes to see the new school nurse, who is this college sophomore nurse-in-training named Penny Owen. Sam falls in love with her (BYE BRITTANY) and thinks of every excuse in the book to go see her, including biting his own arm hahahah, going to a special HEMLOCK maneuver class, and trying out his new Denzel impression (which was flawless). Gosh I love Sam. Other things happen with the nurse almost getting fired but really, who cares? It’s time for Prom!

Spring/Fall prom opens up with a bunch of fools on the stage dancing around in some horrible head-to-toe Satin outfits. (Marley, Unique, Jake, Ryder etc singing St. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts) In a shocking turn of events, Tina struts in looking fierce as shit with her gaggle of bitches following behind. The freakshows on stage continue to perform, and I must say Marley is working it out, but more importantly I NEED JAKE MARLEY AND RYDER TO GET SOME MORE ATTENTION!! I guess they will when others graduate.

And after a few moments it is already time to announce the new PROM KING AND QUEEN! Enter Sue, with one of her best rants in a while, highlights below:

1. Didn’t think it’s possible, you've made me hate the Beatles

2. Your lives are so insignificant that you think something like this (prom queen) matters

All the while Bre is looking at Tina’s lil assistant (forgot her name, let’s call her Ruby) because she convinced her to do something evil. And the Prom Queen is….Tina Cohen Chang! Glee Club is 3 for 3 y'all! Prom queen dynasty!!!! Cue the slow motion acceptance, as Ruby is about to reign down terror onto Tina and Kitty is like nooooooooo and bucket of what looks like BLOOD pours all over Tina. Pure terror and disgust, I think it was supposed to be Red Slushie but it looks like they were trying to recreate the movie Carrie which I have never seen but I get the reference. The entire sequence was insane and there was a lot of Bre standing there looking FIERCE laughing in slow motion. Glee really did the impossible by making me feel sorry for Tina…

Like with Kurt’s coronation 2 seasons ago, Tina runs out of the auditorium humiliated, and the entire Glee Club runs in slow motion after her into the choir room. Being the beautiful people they are, they sing Hey Jude as she gets cleaned up and she rocks Kitty’s dress even better than Kitty did. My world has turned upside down, I am complimenting Tina. Take a sad song and make it better! And I’m crying.

YES TINA. She BETTER WORK. She looked stunning. Congrats. Now get out of my life.

In the last few seconds of the episode, Coach Roz and Bre are in Sue’s office so that Bre can be punished for blood dumping on Tina.

However Sue though the prank was hilarious and top notch, so she rewards Bre by making her captain of the Cheerios and buying he a Le Car. In her words, “Glee Club needs an enemy to win Nationals” and sorry I had to write down this whole quote, “I once sang on stage with them in plaid pajamas and now I don't think they found me quite so scary.” So the Glee Club has a new anemone. End scene.

Overall grade for the Episode: A++ THE WRITING WAS AMAZING, great jokes, just all around perfect episode.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Hey Jude. Performed by the New Directions. YES BLAINE. Crushing it.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Get back performed by Kurt and Rachel. Get back is right.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Tina got cut OFF from singing her Beatles song hahahahaha. YA CUT OFF

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Underage drinking is very bad… but I gotta fake id though. Just rambling, I liked the whole thing.

Next Week’s Episode: Finn tribute. Need I say more?  Will probably not write a blog… because I don’t want to. I just want to cry and throw a tantrum.

Other thoughts:

-“I don’t give a flying fart” BRE IS MY NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER

-Clearly the nurse was all about Sam’s gooey gooey.

-“I bust moves literally” = best pickup line ever

-Stoner brett deserved to win King let’s be honest.

-This school is due for a normal prom queen announcement. There’s no way Unique doesn’t win next year

-Kitty brought a back up lounge outfit to prom- after prom outfit I'm sure. Going to the Y for fun and games

- Sue’s analysis of the Glee club’s Nationals preparation: “in the middle of the inevitable journey song they will sing at nationals after deciding on it at the very last moment”

-Emma hasn’t made an appearance

-Guessing my girl Sugar Motta is owt.

-Wonder how long Ryder and Marley in real life will be engaged? Guess whose it is… guess whose it is… it’s yourrrrss Ryyydeeeer (remix)

-I’m guessing they will not be able to do a prom episode in the spring… toooooo many prommmmmz

-I wonder if anyone tried to spike the punch? #thoughtsofatruepsycho

Blame it on the Beatlejuice #NWTS

Season 5!ve is on and poppin and I’m truly shocked that we made it this far. When you see Gangham Style used as a Glee Club competition number you gotta kinda feel like the end times are near… and then with no more Finn, it is hard to believe that Glee can be Glee again. I guess we’ll see if it was a good decision to bring Glee back…I don’t know if Glee can ever really be happy again, I don’t know if I can ever watch again without thinking of the actors and how they must feel when they are pretending to be happy. But they are just trying to make us feel better and make themselves get better. And I can’t even count how many e-mails, messages and calls I have received this summer telling me that MY BLOG is the glue that is keeping this whole world together so I will press on.

First two episodes of the season are centered around “The Beatles” if that’s your real name. This apparently has been in the works for two years and the scripts have been written for years. Doubt that’s true, but if it is then hire me as a Glee writer right now because I could have come up with that exact same script in a few hours, back when I was 13 years old writing in a marble composition notebook. Bitches gotta start paying me for this. Can't get no more free Randy.

So let us catch up with everyone shall we…kinda forgot how to write a blog so this will be more blah blah than anything else… but as Destiny Hope Cyrus would say “forget the haters cuz somebody loves ya.” (How soon until Glee tackles the Miley Cyrus transformation as an adolescent issue and has Marley or Kitty slutting around with a huge foam finger and tongue wagging?)

ANYWAYZ, in New York, Rachel Barbara Berry is doing a read for her dream role in Funny Girl, so basically just serving up her best Babs impersonation for da fans. But there were some looks and some pauses so Rachel assumed it did not go to plan, and this was confirmed when she overheard the casting dudes saying that she was too young and green. So she thinks pensively while holding onto the Finn necklace (dagger) and breaks out into the first Beatles song of the episode, “Yesterday”. Okay. So I guess we can try to convince ourselves that she was so devastated about not getting her dream Broadway role and that was the inspiration for the song. But we all know that this song was really just Lea Michele singing about Cory. Singing “why he had to go,” while walking on the bridge where Rachel and Finn professed their love… just makes me want to sob. Like in no way, shape or form does this relate to not getting the role. Probably the glee writers knew that they couldn’t start this episode cheerfully, so the somber opening number went down and I feel like I’m going to vomit, cry and eat tons of carbs within the first 5 minutes.

Onto happier times, Rache and Santana are now waitresses at a song and dance diner, which I predict will be Season 5’s version of Cassandra July’s dance studio in terms of impromptu dance numbers that have no rhyme or reason. The Funny Girl casting director shows up to the diner, Rachel sasses him and then shows him what he will be missing by singing and dancing round the tables.  Yeah, wasn’t that good, neither was this whole plot line, but I don’t care and the fact that Lea Michele is not a broken down doll curled up into a little ball of despair is so amazing and inspiring so I’m just happy that she at least had a day to freaking be with her friends and dance and sing and that’s all im gonna say about the matter! Tribute episode is gonna be brutal. Yikes.

So back at Mckinley…
It was good to see everyone back in the Glee Club dressed in rainbow colors and not giving a fuck that Brittany, Sugar and Teen Jesus no longer attend the school. We walk in on what seems to be an ongoing convo between Mr. Shue and the NDs talking bout the Beatleborgs and how doing their songs will help them on their GLEE CLUB DYNASTY- because apparently it is still spring 2013, no one has graduated, and Nationals are still some vague idea in the distance. Everyone except Kitty and Unique (a little on the black side) are into the Beatles so we do that Glee thing where we use song lyrics to help us come up with plot ideas.

Plot idea number one that I’m curious to know if anyone in the globe cares about: Kitty Kat and Arthur becoming a couple. Artie starts rolling Kitty around in his wheelchair and they sing a song about bumper cars at a carnival. (also PINK BEAR ALERT wtf is this Breaking Bad connection everywhere I turn?!! Heisenberg about to pop up in Lima yall!) Whilst at said carnival, Kitty is spotted by a mini-Santana Cheerio who passive aggressively makes fun of Kitty for dating such a SUPER LOSER like Artie. So the two of them become secret lovers for like 1 day. (OK EVERYONE PLEASE CLICK THAT LINK IF YOU WANNA SEE DRIZZY READING ABOUT TINY TIM IN A BRITISH ACCENT.) It seems to be going okay until Godzilla aka Rosy the Nosy Neighbor aka Tina Cohen Chang gets all up in their business and calls Kitty out for being a bitch. Kitty apologizes and decides to make it facebook official and still no one cares at all. Like not one care was given on this shit.  Next.

WRONG MESSAGE ALERT:

Because Tina is such a lonely, angry bitch to everyone, all of the hottest guys pay attention to her by serenading her (with the cutest Beatles tribute evaaa) and asking her to prom. Way to reward negative behavior guys… gosh. And now Tina gets to go to prom with possibly the best date of all time, Sam Evans. Although his hair looks horrible again somebody come at him wit sum shearzzzz. (Prom next week.. eek!)

Next. Sue Sylvester.

So last time we saw Sue, she was fired because of the “gun” that she “brought” to school, which “actually” had been brought by “Becky Buckwild” aka the “Becretary” aka Rebecca Black.  Apparently Becky fessed up and only faced a one-month suspension as a punishment. Riiiight. And in the meantime, Sue went out of her way to get Principal Figgins fired by framing him for all sorts of icky crimes against principaldom. So naturally, the superintendent turned to the person that was just fired a month ago to become the new principal. Makes perfect sense in the Glee world of logic.  So Sue is principal, which sets up the NeNe (hallelujah holla back) and Mr. Shue talking bout practice , because now they both have to win National Championships or Sue will fire them. Seems fair. Also, Nene has been shopping at the Billy Dee Williams store for hair helmets for women who couldn’t possibly be less blonde. Glee has REALLY used up the Sue as a villain storyline, but they still couldn’t help but have her terrorize Janitor Figgins by kicking over a bucket of slop for him to clean up. SUE COME ON MAN. Leave Figgins be! Why you gotta do him like that?

So it’s safe to assume that this has been a horrible year for Glee, but when we are down, there is one universal anecdote to lighten the mood, and that is a surprise marriage proposal executed via group song and dance. We all knew this was coming so this is how it played out:

Kurt reluctantly agrees to date Blaine again during their picnic on the quad and they enter into a no-cheating contact, because if Bethenny and Jason Hoppy can’t make it, how can any of us commoners stand a chance??? They break out into a Beatles song that I don’t know because I have never listened to the Beatles as much as I know I should. Blaine sounds flawless and I’m like BEEP BEEP BEEP WHOA WHOA WHOA AOOOOGA CUTE COUPLE ALERT.

The natural next step of course is for Blaine to immediately decide that he wants to take this 1 day old relationship to the next level by proposing to Kurt, and announces this to the Glee Club because Mr. Shue has no control over his students and everyone knows it. Blaine needs their HELP… soooo another Beatles song comes on. I can only imagine how that session in the writer’s room went…

Okay guys.. so what Beatles song can we do next? We need to get “Help” in there somehow. Okay let’s randomly pull a character’s name out of a hat…Blaine it is! Now what could he need help with? Hmmm let’s say he needs ‘help’ with the proposal so that global acceptance and universal love can reign above all. I think he should just scream out the word “Help” randomly and that will start the song. Done.

Help. Another dumb segue. Ok but it was cute and we got to see ole Bassy again!

And as you might have guessed, the proposal was perfect. Burt Hummel is back, and he is bound to be at the Heisenberg stage where his cancer is in remission so he doesn’t have any reason to stay in the meth cooking business except for his own foolish pride but he still has a good relationship with his loving son so he drives him to the proposal. (Am I right all my #breakingbad fans out there wooooo!) Kurt admitted he knew about the surprise proposal, and Burt made some great points about marrying young, and how he wishes he could have only 10 more minutes with his dead wife, which of course in my mind equates to him meaning he wishes he could have 10 more minutes with Cory Monteith. Sobbing commences right about… now. They pull up to Dalton Academy, and Santana, Mercedes and Rachel B. are there waiting. And I’m just thinking… thank you Glee, we need this… ALL WE NEED IS LOVE. And it’s on and poppin with Vocal Adrenaline, the Deaf Academy and the Warblers, all trying to express to Kurt how he should marry Blaine. Kurt looks absolutely horrified the entire time,  I mean did JUST reluctantly agree to DATE Blaine again. But come on Kurt, how could you not be all for engaging yourself to the most perfect human being in existence – especially after that FUCKING SPEECH he gave. And if my future husband doesn’t feel that way about me then Im out. Kurt said yes- and I was choking/coughing on tears. Go Klaine.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B +

Blaine saved it. It was fine but it was like a disjointed Beatles dream that didn’t make sense. But not a bad dream just a mumbo jumbo of clouds, unicorns and bright yellow.

Fave performance of the episode:  All You Need is Love performed by Blaine and his posse full o show choirs.

Least favorite performance of the episode:  They were all so freaking good so it’s hard to pick a bad one but it’s hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a dog so I pick that one.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Return of Trouty. And return of Coach Roz who stole her Lexus off a used car lot.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Sue picking on Figgins- it ain’t right! His receptionist is a saint you best treat her right!

Other Thoughts:

-Unique is bound to be irrelevant

-They need to focus on the hotties at hand aka Ryder, Jake and Marley

-So Brittany left McKinley immediately to start MIT mid-semester… dat bish pregnant

-What if Kanye West was in the Glee Club

-Kurt taking a long break from classes I hope Whoopi doesn’t find out

-The mention of Mike Chang’s name makes me want to pas de chat

-Kitty Kat is like the first glee club member in history not to like breadstix

-Isn’t Jesse St. James the coach of Vocal Adrenaline? Shoulda been there… another regret of 2013

-I’m so ready for them to cover some Justin Timberlake and by them I mean JAKE PUCKERMAN

-Everyone seemed sad though… #NWTS

Next Week’s Episode: Has the word TINA in the title. Brace Yourself World. Guessing there is going to be great material for this blog…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnhyouPcBAc

No one watches Glee anymore... I DONT CARE I LOVE IT: Season 4 FINALLY

SEASON FINALE! Twists and turns and SHOCKERS!!! No, none of that happened, but some other stuff did and I also did the thing where I am obsessed with Glee so I recapped the Season 4 musical performances at the very end. "Hashtag Pow" -Mariah Carey.

We begin with Brittany, girl genius. MIT brought her in for an admission interview because of her high SAT scores. She got a zero on their test, but she doodled a bunch of numbers on the back of her scoresheet that led them to believe that she is the next Albert Einstein. (Eyes rolling all the way in the back of my head.)

Because of this successful? interview, Brittany has been accepted to MIT on a full scholarship and must start RIGHT AWAY. Meaning like right freaking now. So she bust back up in those halls of McKinley looking PREGNANT as a kangaroo, spouting off demands and insults. "Tina... ahhh you're just Tina." She demanded to write and sing all of the Regionals songs, broke up with Sam via or vaya text message and quit the Cheerios.  

So Sue and Will staged an intervention to find out what is up with her, which is completely ridiculous because Brittany is a Stage One Idiot and her thoughts have no rhyme or reason. But Brittany makes them come on Fondue for Two and the only thing accomplished is that Sue reveals that the celebrity fahjer of her baby is Michael Bolton. Not a bad choice, but just SMH at Glee for randomly throwing this in there the way they did. The identity of Sue's baby was like the cliffhanger of LAST year's season finale so this is not giving me very much hope in the open-ended shit they left us with this year, but more on that later. Also, why couldn't the dad be someone hilarious like Sandy Ryerson or Howard Bambu? Or Carl the Dentist? And Will and Sue didn't even ask Brittany any questions. So after this, Sam decided to take matters into his own hands and call his arch nemesis/best friend Santana Lacienagabolivardez Lopez for help. This interaction between the 2 was cute, but why was Santana undressing the whole phone convo? Anyway, she took the Lima Express home to tend to her Britt Britt, leaving Rachel all alone in NY to prepare for her Funny Girl audition. (Yeah Kurt left too because.. I guess school is out for the summer.)

Rachel's audition was nothing more than a final attempt for Glee to get one more Rachel Berry song in before the season ended. She sang "To Love You More" by Celine Dion, a song which proves that you may think you don't know every Celine Dion song, but you actually do. I got immediate chills and she was flawless. Can we get a Glee/American Idol competition so Rachel can show us how it is really done? (Also, Kreedom?? Really America??) But then the audition was over and that was that. So apparently all she has to do for the audition is to sing one song. Isn't this an acting role, too? Whatever, good job Roo Roo.

Back at McKinley, Mr. Shue was rambling off some nonsense words about Indiana and Waffle Dudes and Ziggler in preparation for Regionals. (He also made them give a round of applause for the ghost of Rachel Berry... all part of her master plan to take over the world muhahahahhah.)

So as they are sitting around preparing for another sub-par showing, all hell breaks lose! Oh wait also Sugar and Joe are back, and they made a little scene about it- which I can't decide if I liked or not. Because clearly they have been missing from school and Glee for like 2 months so I'm glad that didn't just act like it was normal but if they are going to make a fuss about them being back the least they could have done was make up some elaborate Glee-appropriate excuse like Joe was off turning people into Christians (Things fall apart... messed up) and Sugar was filming My Super Sweet 16 or something. But anyway, yet again Ryan Murphy has read my blog and took my advice on how to approach the Ryder-Catfish situation.  See blog statement from two weeks ago:

Ummm, hey Ryder- why don't you just stand up in front of the club and say HEY GUYS WHO THE FUCK IS CATFISHING ME RIGHT NOW. OUT WITH IT.

So Ryder did that, and not only did that but went freaking ballistic and kicked a bunch of music stands. Mr. Shue get control of your freaking students! Marley came forward and said it was her, but it was so obvious from the moment she admitted it that she was covering for Unique. I even wrote in my notes "Marley must be covering for Unique." Glee you can't fool me! As for this outcome to the catfish... I am not happy, I am not pleased, I am the opposite of satisfied and I am definitely over this whole thing. Ryder was angry of course; and he wants to quit the Glee Club. And Unique... she seems to be in love with Ryder. The very best case scenario is that this can turn out to be another Kurt/Finn situation where Ryder learns to become more accepting and Unique gets over her crush. Blah.

All the while, Sir Blaine Warblington is plotting a proposal for his one true love, Kurt. He asks Sam to be his best man and they look for an engagement ring, even though Blaine totally wants to do Sam! And who doesn't. Seriously let me take a moment to just plead with Chord Overstreet to never leave Glee. Figure out how to stay relevant in the plot and just suck it up until the series ends which will undoubtedly be after Season 6 because they are def running fresh out of new ideas. So anyway, Blaine meets a lesbian role model, they go on a double date at Breadsticks with Lesbian 1 &2 and Kurt/Blaine. It is all very sweet, the Lesbians propose, (I feel bad not remembering their names) and Blaine seems to be ready to pop the question, although I have no idea if Kurt would say yes. I feel like this is Ryan Murphy's way of roping people in. BUT I GUESS WE WILL FREAKING HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT SEPTEMBER. Great.

It's time for Regionals!!

Emma is back!! With new bangs! And a white dress!

This year's competition is: Waffletudes and the Papa Smurfs or something...can't remember their names. Waffletudes sang Rainbow Connection, which immediately made me think of Rory, and made me hope that they drop Unique like they dropped him and that Glee Project Season 3 will be in full effect this summer. My girl Jessica Sanchez aka Frida Romero (really??!) led the Papa Smurfs in two pretty good songs, but homegirl has not yet mastered the art of lipsyncing. Take notes. And WHATTTT was up with the girl doing the slow motion twerking solo??? These writers have been doing some Crystal Meth fo sho (watching Breaking Bad right now), but these performances were nice and short so I appreciate that.

Now time for the New Directions to perform, and while getting in their show circle (also known as a huddle for all of you sports fans who watch Glee) Brittany S. Pierce has something to say. The reason she has been acting so weird is that she doesn't feel stupid anymore, and is sad that she has to leave everyone IMMEDIATELY. Touching. But you are stupid. As much as Brittany gets on my last freakin nerve, I was fully crying as she went around and basically said goodbye to everyone. This must be Heather Morris' last episode foreal. Her goodbye to Sam was by far the most emotional... I just love Sam. I wish this show circle was all about Sam and not all about Brittany. Damn though. Good stuff.

Showtime! They kicked it off with "Hall of Fame" which highlighted all of the boys. They all looked so cute minus Joe! Then Kitty and Tina sang an ear-splitting auto-tuned version of "I Love It" which could not have been more annoying. Actually, it could have been more annoying if they were singing in Korean and crawling around on the stage like a bunch of fools. Then Marley Rose and Blaine sang an original song called "All or Nothing" which I thought was cute.

So New Directions won. Which was pretty blasphemous but not that unrealistic since the judges were idiots and anyone who won a National Championship the year before will always get the upper hand. It was annoying that they used the same music and slow motion cheering as when they won Nationals last year... and just annoying that they won in general. Also Ryder hugged Unique in slow motion and then looked utterly confused.

The episode wrapped up in the choir room, with Will and Emma choosing to get married in front of a bunch of rejects who Will and Emma barely know. I bet Finn was supposed to be there. :-( And they didn't have the courtesy to invite Beiste or Sue? This was so stupid but I still cried because that's who I am and I love Glee and I guess that's the moral of this whole story.

This season has been all over the fucking place, but I still loved it. Glee may never be able to re-capture the magic and magnificence of season 1 and 2, but we love the characters and the music and the absurdity of each and every idea they come up with so I will keep coming back for more.

Just to review a few important happenings in Season 4:

1. Rachel, Kurt and Santana moved to NY to pursue their dreams of stardom

2. Rachel/Finn, Kurt/Blaine, Santana/Brittany and Will/Emma all broke up, but Will and Emma got back together and are now married.

3. The other original members (Mercedes, Artie, Tina) have no relevance in this show anymore, except Tina has become the joke of the Glee Club.

4. Blaine and Sam are now best friends and the best thing that has ever happened to this show.

5. They did "Don't Stop Believing" a third time. (Believe it or not.... Bruce is not at home)

6. Sue has a baby, and got fired because she took the fall for Becky, who brought a gun to school and accidentally fired a shot.

7. Finn got discharged from the Army, and is now becoming a teacher.

8. The Glee Club got 4 fabulous new members Marley, Jake, Ryder and Kitty and one annoying, over-dramatic, one that talks in third person. (I'm referring to Unique, everyone!) Also, Marley's mom is an obese lunch lady and she has an eating disorder... maybe.

9. Rachel dated a male giggolo for a while there.

10. Quinn Fabray Forever. #longlivethehighpony

Favorite 10 Musical Performances of Season 4:

There were plenty of solid numbers- I'm sure Mags will be upset that Footloose and Centerfold/Hot In Herre were not chosen- but these were the ones that I became obsessed with and I am the blogger here so therefore I am always right.

Close contenders: Unchained Melody and Come What May

10. Give Your Heart a Break performed by Rachel and Brody in "The Breakup" I remember I was initially disappointed about the context of this song, but this is really what got Finn to confront Rachel about Brody and led to them breaking up again. Watching it now makes me think about Rachel's life and how far she has come this season. And it just sounds sooooooo good.

9. Born to Hand Jive performed by the New Directions in "The Role You Were Born to Play" So good. First time the new kids really freaking BRRRROUGHT IT and loved the re-creation of the Grease scene.

8. Some Nights performed by the New Directions in "Feud". Good ole fun auditorium number, came out when this song was just getting popular and I still only hear the Glee version when I hear this song being played out with all the white people.

7. The Scientist performed by Rachel, Finn, Emma, Will, Santana, Brittany, Blaine, Kurt in "Breakup". The first time I saw this I really didn't like it-I think because they had already done "Fix You" last season and all Coldplay songs sound exactly alike. But now this is pretty much perfect, all of the couples singing about how hard it is to be together, the only way this could be better is if Rachel didn't look like straight out of a horror porn movie.

6. Let's Have A Kiki performed by Rachel, SJP and Kurt in "Thanksgiving". I mean just FABULOUS in every way! It's Turkey Lurkey time.

5. New York State of Mind performed by Rachel and Marley in "The New Rachel". Our first look at the New Rachel in McKinley and New York. Both sounded amazing, both feeling the shit out of themselves. Such a great way to kick off the season even though Marley never really had another great moment like this again.

4. Just Can't Get Enough performed by Kurt and Blaine in "I Do". Ain't nothing wrong with a wedding reception. So fetch.

3. You're the One that I Want performed by Ryder, Marley, Rachel, Finn and every old person in "Glease" Not my favorite song to listen to by far, but so amazing to watch. My thoughts that week: "BUT THEN THE FLASHBACK TO RACHEL AND FINN IN SEASON 1 AND RACHEL DRESSED LIKE SHE WAS WHEN SHE TRIED TO SEDUCE FINN... and singing the words "You're the one that I want." My heart lowered all the way to the floor but my brain was still up and singing along to the music."

2. Teenage Dream (Acoustic) performed by Blaine Warbler in "The Breakup". Despite this being one of the more awkward and insane facial expressional performances ever.. this was just unbelievably good to watch and to listen to over and over and over and over again.

1. We've Got Tonight performed by Rachel, Finn, Kurt, Blaine, Quinn, Santana, Marley, Artie, etc. in "I Do" In the episode blog I ranked this behind Just Can't Get Enough, but overtime I have come to love this song and performance soooo much. Love when they get everyone involved- Finn and Rachel sounded SO good. The song made sense for what was happening and moved the plot along and EVERYONE DID IT.

How these performances rank in the grand scheme of life: We've Got Tonight and Teenage Dream are AMAZING but don't even crack my top 30 all time. (Yes I have a list, #30 is Run Joey Run so you know that list is DA BOMB)

5 other great Season 4 songs that everyone should download right now:

1. How to Be a Heartbreaker (Brody and Rachel in "Feud")

2. This is the New Year (New Directions in "Naked")

3. Let Me Love You (Jake in "Naked")

4. Love Song (Rachel, Quinn and Santana in "Naked")

5. Longest Time (New Directions in "Lights Out")

Best Episode of Season 4: I Do.

Glee always crushes the Valentine's Day episodes. And the wedding episodes. Every single thing about this episode was perfect. Rachel and Finn played it perfectly, everyone looked awesome, great songs, a little lesbian loving, and really played the Marley/Jake/Ryder thing well. SUCH A HAPPY DAY.

Worst Episode of Season 4: Britney 2.0. By far.

An example of Glee trying to do something for the fans rather than just doing the show the way they want. Used stupid Britney songs that no one cared about, it just made no sense, Brittany was a hot mess and we were forced to think about the Marley/Jake saga way too soon.

Least Favorite Performances:

This took a lot of time and thought. But these are my final decisions & I have no regrets:

#5. Bye Bye Bye/I Want it that way performed by Will and Finn. I am probably just being extra harsh because these are two of my favorite songs ever. But it was completely ruined and it could have been amazing. The awkward and out of sync puppet dancing, the evil stares, and slow motion fighting and then hugging. Just made no sense. Sounded jarring and alarming to the ear.

#4. Hung Up performed by Tina Cohen Chang. Don't even want to waste my energy typing about this so I will just paste what I wrote that week: Like come on now seriously. Tighten up, Tina. Stop letting your head bobble around like its about to detach. Miley Cyrus backup dancer. And this song??? Of all Madonna songs???

#3. Womanizer performed by Marley Rose and Unique. I will remember the awkward transition into this song until the day I die. This is before Marley had any presence when performing and Unique is just ze worst. Blugh.

2. Gangham Style performed by the New Directions. At Regionals. Enough Said.

#1 WORST PERFORMANCE EVER: Baby Got Back performed by the Adam's Apples. Nothing worse than people thinking they are clever. Shut the eff up.

MVP of Season 4: This was a close race, with Blaine pulling out another flawless season and with the introduction of a new Puckerman and redemption of Rachel B after she took her fake hair out. But fo sho this has to go to Samuel Trouty Mouth Evans. Only mistake he made was dating Brittany, but even that seemed to make sense in the end. And he was just hilarious, hot and quotable all season. Haters gonna hate.

Worst Character that needs to get the ax: Unique. GO. BYE. GET OUT.

Unanswered questions heading into next season:

1. Did Rachel get the role?

2. Will the Glee Club compete at Nationals?

3. Are Ryder and Unique going to date? Will Ryder come back to Glee Club?

4. Will Blaine and Kurt get engaged?

5. What is Finn doing now? Is Cory Monteith okay and coming back?

6. Is Mercedes staying in LA? And Puck too where is that fool?

7. Will Tina ever be on the show again? Does anyone care?

8. Is Sugar Motta going to be allowed to attend school regularly next year?

9. Is Sam going to graduate? What is he doing next year?

10. Where is Blaine going to college?

11. Will Becky ever tell the truth and get Sue her job back?

12. Neck Brace girl. Who? What? Where? When? Why? and How? 

That's all folks! Thanks for reading all the way down to the very last lines... hopefully next season I will have a social life and will not have time to share my deepest, inner-most thoughts and analysis about a fictional musical tv show revolved around high-schoolers and their white people problems... but let's be serious I'm sure I will be back at it for season 5! Here's hoping that all the good people come back and when I say good people I mean Sandy Ryerson. Zendaya would be a great addition. Or what about Selena Gomez? JLo! Okay now I'm just naming Latina pop singers. We would do anything for SELENAS!

Seacrest Out. Gleekin Out.

Bitches be Formidable aka she's a Smart House... You could say that she's bright, brainy gifted WONDAHFUL whatever

On this eve on the Glee Season 4 finale, let's take a second to reflect on another filler episode that didn't really take us anywhere we wanted to go, but it was still a wonderful, joyous and optimistic ride to the last episode. Stevie wondaaaaaaaa people. Show of hands... who watched this episode???? If I were not obsessed with Glee I probably wouldn't care enough to watch... but since I am... it just happened so here is a recap. 

The theme for this episode came about when Ms. Rachel Barbara Berry called Mr. Shue to be a complete and utter kiss ass and tell him that she got another callback for Fannie Brice. She called HIM before all others! Cue Mr. Shue's horrid fake crying face, even though she only called him because she knew he was not worthy enough to be mentioned when she accepts her Tony on stage.

So Mr. Shue is just in a WONDAFUL mood, especially since he and Emma are engaged again and planning to get hitched right after Regionals (which coincidentally is falling on the same week as last year's NATIONALS...? ) so he decides to assign Stevie Wonder songs to everyone so that they can all be uptight and wonderful with him. (Emma must have gotten fired... bitch hasn't shown up for work in like 5 weeks.)

So the doorbell rings and Mercedes and Mike Chang are back in town for no reason. Hey Glee, instead of bringing back old people for no reason, why don't you let Sugar Motta just attend school like a normal student and be in the Glee Club regularly?!?! Mercedes has a "record deal" and is in town to coach the New Directions and hit them in their stomachs with maracas. Mike Chang just wants to dance. While giving advice, Mercedes Chang decide to encourage our young grasshopper Jake Puckerman to shine bright like a diamond and show the world what kind of leader/dancer he can really be! So Mike and Jake danced together and yeah yeah yeah it was alllllllllll that. Should I go on... Jake can dance. I would prefer to see him do like a leg hold turn or something but I guess pop locking and droppin will have to do for now.

Also, it turns out that Mercedes' producer back in LA wants to just use her voice and not her face a la "Everybody Dance Now" and also wants her to show a little more shoulder shoulder ha cha cha! But she was all HELL TO THE NO you try to take away my tots and I say hell to the no. Cuz I'm the one who calls the shots. So Mercedes decided to take the HIGHER GROUND and make a record HEY way and Trouty Mouth did a body roll. And she sang "Higher Ground."

So whilst all dis is happening, a strange and confusing friendship/relationship moment happened between Artie Abrams and Kitty Delafleur. Clearly we are just going to completely ignore the fact that Kitty and Ryder had this dramatic, revealing and emotional saga last episode, and are going to just take Ryder completely out of this episode so Kitty can help Artie. Kitty's interests are all over the place. But yeah, Artie got into Brooklyn Film Academy (do I smell another roomie for Kurt, Rache and Satan?) but he is scared to go to NY because it is not wheelchair-friendly and also his mom...something about his mom. This episode was last week... I can't even remember what I was doing last Thursday night in my own life. So Kitty intervened twice- once by telling the whole Glee Club that Artie got into college without his permission and twice by sneaking into his Smart House, turning the Smart House Mom into a real mom again and then telling her about Artie's fear. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!' The house has come to life!!!!!! But Artie's Smart House mom was of course adorable and Artie is awesome and cute and doesn't want to leave his mommy. But Artie's blaccent is awful and just wrong, sorry Mags. But otherwise, this little nugget of the episode gave us one more Artie spotlight before he rolls on out of our lives forever (I'm sure he will get no play in the season finale) and showed us once and for all that Kitty Kat is an angel sent from heaven.

Meanwhile, in New York City, news of Rachel's callback for Funny Girl is spreading like WILDFIRE and anyone who is anyone is chattering about it in the Nyada hallways. Cassie July finds out about the audition and decides to schedule Rachel's final exam either in close proximity to the audition or like the next day (can't remember). She also ran into Babs at Target, and as always, Kate Hudson is doing a great job being a raging bitch. I keep thinking that Kate Hudson was just on TMZ drunkenly yelling at a cop but no... that's not right is it? So Rachel shows up for her dance final and I'm thinking, "Do we really have to watch Rachel dance again this season?!?" but SURPRISE!!! It was all a ruse, Ole Casserole was really planning a good luck party/open book final/audition send-off for her favorite little David Schwimmer! OMG HOW SWEET WAS THAT, PEOPLE! Did not see that coming at all, and Kate Hudson and Rachel B. were just over the top adorbs. Omg Lea Michele must have filmed that scene like right after Cory went to rehab and they were all like rallying around her and such and I am crying just thinking about it. At the end of it all, Cassie was all "You're gonna get it" (the audition) and they hugged. Damn you Glee, you always know... you always know.

Oh yeah- Kurt is back in Lima! But only to get test results for Burt's cancer treatments wamp wamp WAMPPPPP. He has been gettin real NARVOUS about these results and has developed some OCD tendencies...please stay away from Q tips aaaghhhhh. Gwoss. Anyway, he is BACK and we are all wondering what is up with Kurt and Blaine. Well... Blaine is over Sam I guess? And did Blaine apply to Nyada? Did he already have his big audition with Whoopi? I'm not sure why he is so convinced he is moving to NY but hopefully he is freaking going to COLLEGE. But anyway, Blaine found Burt Maclin and wanted to talk to him about marriage equality you know BIG OLE EQUAL SIGN JASON COLLINS BORN THIS WAYYYY JUST PUT YOUR PAWS UP. And then he asked Burt for his blessing if he were going to propose to Kurt, to which Burt of course gave the best Burt advice as he always does when saying "Did you learn anything from Finn and Rachel." hahahahhhahah. TDODO. When two people love each other, everything works out. You so right Burtie Boy. Also, Burt is cancer-free!!! And ready to have old people sex! So Kurt brought Burt into the choir room and all of the new kids were like who tf is this old man.

Tina is going to Veterinary school...

Harmooooonnnnnica.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A-

Not much happened, yet... twas still wonderful.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: This goes against everything I believe but Uptight performed by Cassandra July. It was cute okay?

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: They were all kind of boring... but they were all kind of good, and none were more boring than the others. But I'll knock down "For Once In My Life" for selecting Marley Rose as a backup dancer.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Smart House threatening to tip Artie over.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Mr. Shue's reaction on the other side of that phone call.. barf!

Glist:

1. Blaine

2. Jake

3. Rachel

4. Casserole

5. Mike Chang

6. Kitty

7. Burt

8. Sam

9. Sugar Motta... i'm starting to get angry

10. Smart House for being the smartest house around

Other Thoughts:

-Again where is Sugar

-I love when Mike Chang speaks
-I love Blaine. He has more confidence and swagger than the whole rest of the club combined.
-Marley is a great singer. Awkward as hell.

-You better hit that high note Kitty Kat!

Next Episode:

Season Finale! Wedding! Regionals. As long as there is no gangham style I'm happy! CATFISH REVEALED??? True Life: I am a catfish revealed. No Finale will ever top last year's breakup scene so keeping my expectations lowww.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h0bxM-SrRQ

American Idol:

AMBBBERRRRRRRR was eliminated last week nooooo she made me cry 75,000 times. Kree needs to go next, even though her back story is so damn sad and touching. 

Also they are in talks for a new judge. I think Pink would be a good option. Also there is this British guy I have been hearing a lot about named Simon Cowell that might be a good fit. Just get Mariah OUTTA DERE A$AP!