Hoo's there? Drosslymayanpocalypse: O Christmas Glee!

Glee Christmas/Hanukkah/End of Civilization Episode is here!

This episode has everything, you’ve got your wheelchair kids in black in white, your obese lunch ladies with #nofilter, your jew on jew motocross racing- family fun for all!

Glee tried to convince us into that they were doing a "Love Actually” tribute, by having 4 or 5 different storylines that all centered around one theme. But this episode just felt like every other Glee episode which led me to realize that every Glee episode is like a tribute to Love Actually, jumping from story to story without a care in the world, but ultimately centering around one big theme that Will Shuester writes on the white board. (Duets, Funk, Lesbian Music, the word "Hello" etc.) But this episode had like 20 different directions so it didn’t really compare to Love Actually at all. IT’S IRONIC, ACTUALLY. So here is what was said: 

Glactually Christmas Episode Themes:

1)            Acceptance of Self/Fate/Destiny/Destiny's Child/Glee Club (Artie)

2)            Dads having cancer and new beginnings? (Kurt)

3)            Mayan Apocalypse/Carpe Diem (Brittany and Sam)

4)            Spirit of Giving/Eating Disorders (Marley/Sue)

5)            Family Bonding/Religious Pride (Jake/Puck)

And here we go.

# 1  Bitch You Ain't No Nerd?  Tiny Tim and the Return of the Leprechaun

So for the 3rd or 4th time in this show’s run, Artie was sick of being in a wheelchair. I feel you kid, and I don’t know how you stay so slender. So commence the dream sequence in which Artie never got in a car accident and everything was topsy turvy! Some thoughts on this dream sequence:

-Artie, no matter what you still look like a nerd.

-Mike Chang was lookin hot in black and white.

-Why was Kurt questioned for not graduating but none of the rest of his senior class was  questioned? Loose threads, Glee.

-That’s a doll hahahahah. (referring to the incomparable Terri Shuester)

-You cannot mention Ken Tanaka and then not show freakin Ken Tanaka!

-"Feliz Navidad" was sooo boring

-Ummm Quinn died of a broken heart, am I the only one who thought that was hiliarous?? She is a texting while driving addict?!?!? WHATEVER HAPPENED, HAPPENED. You always get on that plane.

So bottom line, like with every other Glee hallucination (See Props) the dreamer realizes that there is a reason that things are the way they are. And apparently the reason that Artie is in a wheelchair is so that his social status is so low that he joins the Glee Club he becomes the glue that keeps the New Directions together. And basically, a life without Glee is nothing at all! I do agree that Artie is the glue, although he gets no play anymore. And if he is the glue then Tina Cohen Chang is the rubber that everything bounces off and sticks to Artie.

But my question about the whole thing is… if it was dream, and it wasn’t real… then how’d I get jersey with the name O’Neal (O’Neal, O’Neal) Enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfhhWA9GF0M

Stop #2 on the train to nowhere: NEW YAK!

No surprise, Burt Hummel is Dad of the Year for the 4^th consecutive year. He popped up (you gotta pop up) to Kurt and Rachel’s apartment just as Rachel was about to be whisked away on Rosie O' Donnell holiday cruise, but arrived with sad news that Burty Boy has cancer. BUZZ KILL. Really Glee? Didn’t we already have to get through this emotional trauma once with Rachel singing Papa Can You Hear Me by Burt’s bedside? But he and Kurt bonded, and he gave Kurt the best present any human on earth could receive, the gift of Blaine! Blaine and Kurt are still on the rocks, but their Christmas duet was so fetch. And Blaine is going to apply to NYADA so that is interesting… very interesting.

Scenario # 3:  Dont you DARE.  Say… KWANAKAH!!!!!!

It has become apparent that the Puckerman brothers need each other’s hotness to survive so several things took place in this hotness exchange. Puck wants to “help” Jake with something I’m not sure of, so they took the the 45 north to San Vicente and then took Beverly over to Santa Monica until they arrived in Cali and did some networking via Hanukkah song on a movie set.  (Sidenote: Wish i had known this song before I was asked to make a Hanukkah halftime mix.) THEN they decided to go back to Lima to unite their mothers (weird) so they got back on San Vicente and took it to the 10 and switched over to the 404 and had dinner at breadsticks with the whole clan. Only important thing that came out of this story is that PUCK IS MOVING BACK TO OHIO AND THE ANGELS REJOICED, ALLELUIA, ALLELUIA.

Scenario # 4 Keep on Dancing til the world ends!

Trouty Mouth and No Lips Brit fit into this strange hodgepodge of Christmas stories by deciding that life is much greater when you think you only have a few days left via the Mayan Apocalypse. Seriously though in real life is the world gonna end? I just wanna know either way. There have been way too many songs about it not to be true, right? Whatevs, Sam and Brittany used comedy to help us cope with our inevitable doom and then Sam performed Jingle Bell Rock for NO APPARENT REASON in the library and then they got married! But not really, Coach Bieste is such a trickster! Now they are just dating and will probably break up soon since Glee is bound to run out of interesting things to happen in that area. I guess moral of this story is you should always treat people like it’s the end of the world! Live like you were dying, live while you’re young, I’m gonna die young, forever young, do you really wanna live forever etc.

Scenario # 5 Marley and Me and a Magical Christmas Tree full of cash

How awful must it be for Marley’s mom the actress to read those scripts with fat jokes all up in them?

Anyway, Marley officially has an eating disorder! Congrats, girl. And in order to pay for her therapy sessions, Marley and Marleymom cannot afford a Christmas tree or even an ugly sweater from “Benetton.” So in the spirit of a Glee Christmas episode, Sue once again went from Grinch to Cat in the Hat and gave the Marleys a Christmas surprise!  Marley’s mom then tried to return the cash and it went something like this:

I can’t accept.

Just take it.

Ok.

And the Glee Club sang and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in the hopes that Quinn Fabre would rise from the grave and mend her broken heart. And visions of SugarMotta danced in everyone’s head.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

Glee Christmas episodes are never great, but I enjoyed it! Won’t be watching it again anytime soon but it got the job done.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas performed by everyone. This song gets me every single freaking time no matter the version.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Marley singing the first noel for several reasons. One, there was a feature on Glee’s facebook page of them trying to remember the words to the songs and Marley was the only one who could do it but they failed to mention she had to memorize it for the show! Cheating bitch. Also this was an awkward cafeteria scene that no one needed.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: (and quote possibly of the season) “Tina your acting career is a pipe dream and your decision to pursue it is both irresponsible and shocking.”

Other thoughts:

-Does Blaine Warbler not have his own family to celebrate with?

-Sugar motta and Unique not out chea

-Omg it is snowing!!! Inside! A true Christmas miracle

-I repeat where is sugar motta?

-Why in baby Jesus’s name don’t we get to see Rachel and her dad on the cruise?

-Wasn't there supposed to be a Winter Concert they were preparing for? Where was that? 

Glist

1.     Puck

2.     Blaine

3.     Jake

4.     Burt

5.     The spirit of Quinn

6.     Sam

7.     Cool Artie

8.     Nerd Artie

9.     Kitty (looking fierce out of that pony!)

10. Coach Bieste

Next New Glee:

Sadie Hawkins dance! I’m intrigued! But let’s wait a while before it’s too late

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vA1Ddrf_es

I’m F***in Ron Swansong: Had to Make this Swan Cry

I would first like to say that I loved this episode but more importantly, if SUGAR FREAKING MOTTA IS NO LONGER ON THE SHOW THEN I’M NOT SURE IF I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO BLOG EVER AGAIN. Ryan Murphy, hear my swan song and correct this blaspheme.

In a major twist, only because no one ever thought Ryan Murphy would have the balls to make it happen, the New Directions lost sectionals because of Rexi’s blackout performance. (If somehow the Warblers disqualify and the ND get to compete again I will be so annoyed.) The New Directions should thank Marley for passing out and ruining their chances because now they can tell people they had to forfeit rather than the truth which is that they got whooped gangham style! They sucked and the Warblers were so fetch.

So basically as soon as they found out out the news that they lost,  Sue and the Cheerios were trashin' the camp, and all of the New Directions san Marley decided to quit and move on to the next one. (Whooo could it be?) Some of my faves included Blaine Warbler as a Cheerio (PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON THIS DREAM) and Artie as a drumline maestro or whatevs you call it.

Brittany and Sam decided that instead of taking up on extracurriculars, they would just complete the Glee Club dating circle of life and fall in love for no apparent reason. Is it me, or are they making Brittany seem even dumber nowadays? They’ve taken her from ditzy blonde to full on elementary schooler and it’s mad annoying. But Sam seems to be way into it so maybe I should start drooling and eating cheerios off the ground if I’m ever gonna find true love.

Meanwhile at NYADA (3 syllables) or nyada (2 syllables), it was time for the Winter Showcase dun dun dun. After the Season 4 premiere and the mere mention of the Winter Showcase, who didn’t guess that Rachel B would be selected to sing in it? I mean duh come on now, some Glee writers wait a lifetime for a moment like this. (She should’ve done that!!! Omg or the Justin Guarini version!) Rachel was all a flutter, until she had a dance battle with Kate Hudson and realized (finally) that dancing is not her strong suit but she can sing better than anyone around the globe! So she got all dolled up, (and looked effing wonderful) kissed Brody the Babe and went out there and tore shit up. I mean I have never heard that song in my life and it seemed to have no concern for rhyming, tempo or anything but she is the queen and we are just the sorry people. A little too dramatic but that’s just her and that’s why she got a standing O! If I wasn’t the laziest sloppy freakshow baby I would have gotten out of my chair and thrown flowers at my laptop screen this morning. And apparently a look from Whoopi Goldberg means do an encore Christmas song (I thought she was going rogue for a second!) and RB hit us with another flawless performance of “O Holy Night.” Granted, she released that one like 2 years ago and I would have preferred for her to sing something new, but she still sounded ridiculous so brava! SUPERB LIL RACHE, I ONLY WISH YOUR DADS COULD SEE YOU NOW! Seriously though, let’s get them back on the screen asap. (Also, I really want Brody to end up being an asshole to spice up my life a little.)

In a shocking twist- well not that shocking at all if you watch the previews- Whoopi decided to let Kurt audition again for Nyada on the spot at the Winter Showcase. LOUDER!!! Turns out that all the things we love about Kurt performances (high kicks, baton twirling, ridiculous outfits) do not fit into the NYADA mold… umm excuse me?!?!? Kurt, screw them, join the circus or hook up with Nicki Minaj and paint the town gold glitter! But I guess Kurt really wanted to get in, so Kurnicorn had an ADORABLE chat with Rachel about singing with soul and went out on stage to audition one last time.

Ok this is the point in the episode when I lost my freaking mind and started crying hysterically. I have no idea if this "Kurt on the big stage" moment had a similar effect on others, but I was seriously crying, like ugly face and tears streaming down into puddles on my keyboard. Maybe it was the mention of the “I wanna hold your hand” performance that made me think of little Kurt Hummel with the side swept bangs or made me think of the times when Kurt was having such a miserable time trying to be a gay teen in Ohio, or maybe the words of the song. I don’t know man!! In an emotional state right now. But Kurt did great ALTHOUGH if you are trying to make a classic Kurt number you need to have him hit a classic Kurt high note. But he got into NYADA, and Rachel won and held Brody’s hand! And all is happy in the big city.

Back in Lima, Finn was struggling to get the Glee kids to stay in the club after they had no more competitions to work for and no practice space. I know these epiphany moments are kind of corny but I loved it when Rachel told Finn that it’s not about the competition and it’s about the singing, dancing, fun and friendships, yadda yadda yadda. It's so true and to that I say hell yeah. Hell yeah hell yeah. So Finn sent out an e-mail with the basic sentiment of “You can find your way, you can go the distance” (TM Maggie Klee) and it turns out that all of the kids love Glee club as much as I love Dance Team haha circle of life goes around again!  And Marley finally wore an appropriate hat.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A

Simple plot, positive message. Great performances and inexplicable tears always translates in a good review from me.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Being Good Isn’t Good Enough performed by Rachel Berry. There is no other answer and I am working on my rendition of this to be performed at Gabe’s next pregame.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: All That Jazz performed by Cassandra and Rachel. If I never have to see that dance studio again I will die a happy gleek.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: 2 Winners: Blaine strutting up in a Cheerios uni and Black Swan giving Rachel the stink eye as she sang.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:  Teen Jesus being fweaky and weyud.

Glist

1. Rachel

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam- I’m just saying you could do better.

5. Artie

6. Jake

7. Ryder

8. Brody

9. Cheerios doing trapeze/ribbon dancing in slow motion

10. Tina was not annoying this week!

Other Thoughts:
-Ryan Murphy reading my blog again with the “You ain’t no Rachel” comment

-Finn made his famous confused face many times

-How far away is Washington from Ohio? Mr. Shue is back and forth like it ain’t nothin
-Brittany needs to grow some eyebrows.
-Finn I appreciate your speech but the marching band needs members too Finn! Prob more than the Glee Club
-Lipchap locker was genius.

-Brittany is just a man to me

-Unique got more play when she was in Vocal Adrenaline

-OH RYDER CAN PLAY BASKETBALL HAVE YOU EVER FREAKING SEEN EYE OF THE TIGER?!?!?!

Next week’s episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYFD7UgwdMk

Everyone brush up on Love Actually before it airs! Christmas/End of the World reeeee! And return of Terri Shuester and Burt Hummel hollllla!

Kiki Kiki Tembo No Rembembro: Degrassi por tu Glee

Putt Putt travels through time as we are really existing in last week, when it was Thanksgiving, and I was literally 2.5 lbs lighter... Marley give me some of those laxatives stat.

In 2012 last week but this week as well, the show choir circuit decided to make sectionals coincide with Thanksgiving break, which was a perfect time to combine all the things we love about Glee: The old kids, anorexia/Bulemia, Sectionals, the Warblers, laxatives, dance-offs and high buns. 

Question 1, does McKinley High not let kids out of the school for Thanksgiving? Someone check that out and get back to me and while I'm waiting on an answer I will blog.

GLEE CLUB LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN PIMPLE haaha that makes no sense but everyone can suck it!  

So all of the old kids (minus Lauren Zizes and Matt wtf) are back in the hizzy. Santana, Mercedes, Finn and Mike just spent the last week working on Grease together so I'm not sure why they're so excited to see each other, but one thing I am sure of, we are ALL so excited to see Quinny Poo and Puckasauras back in action at McKinley. Quinn's hair grew back out OR she is wearing a wig, but either way it seems that she has found a happy medium between psycho Quinn and nice Quinn, and I for one think it would be a great time for a Finn and Quinn backslide. (Repeats don't count! Let's get it on! )

But I digress, everyone is home for the Holidays, and Finn believes that the ND Vets can help him whip his sad sack of losers into shape before Sectionals, which apparently gives them all the right to walk around high school all day with no hall pass and interrupt everyone's lives.  Quinn and Kitty obviously were paired up, because Kitty is Glee's attempt to retain the magic and awesomeness of Lucy Caboosy, and Santana was matched with the Ball of Nerves formerly known as Marley.  The Unholy Trinity reunited to perform together just as they had 3 years ago, (I loved the performance of course but if that was performed by anyone else I would be annoyed that weren't doing anything not plot related) until things took a turn for the worst DUN DUN DUN. After Santana started doggin on Quinn's girl Kitty, it was revealed that Quinn is yet again "all excited about defining her life by another guy" and is banging a 35 year old married man! LOUDER! I'm just saying you could do better bitch. And they slapped each other but that's all that ready came of that. Also, Mercedes was cloned.

In the big city of Nyader, Rachel and Kurt made some bold and awesome statements like "forget about guys we are on the verge of become the best versions of ourselves" and then completely forgot they said that by the following scene. Brody and Rachel had a loud ass conversation in dance class about the Kate Hudson humping but not to worry, the pique turn exercises are a thing of the past and we are on to the Foxtrot!  Rachel forgave Brody and invited him to Thanksgiving, where SJP and her gang of Queens joined in on the KIKI!!! Brody read my mind as we both simultaneously asked "Wtf is a Kiki?" and I'm not sure still but I know that I wanna have a KiKi all of the days of the year. So Rachel and Brody are adorable... but they are only runners up in the 2012 Week After Thanksgiving Couple award, after that heart-wrenching and wonderful phone conversation between Kurt and Blaine.

Literally just as the thought "is Blaine in this episode" crossed my mind, Kurt called Blaine on his ugly horrible Droid phone and here are the notes I wrote down on my phone as I watched. Enjoy:

"Omgggggggggg my life is hanging in the balance!!! Omg blaine!!  Favorite scene of all time!!!! I love you toooo ahhhh!!  I want SJP to be my mom"

So there is hope left in the world after all. But Blaine was looking a little bit INSANO IN THE MEMBRANO DOME EL REMOTO MR. ROBOTO.

With all of this love and Thanksgiving dancing going on, Sectionals became a literal sideshow, as the New Directions tried to pull a reverse Wizards and remain unbeaten in the category.

Ok, is it just me or did everyone know from the first minute of this episode that Marley was going to pass out on stage? Widdle Marley can't decide if she wants to be super-motivated and awesome or shaky little naked mole rat, so she wasn't eating anything but one tic tac and taking laxatives. (Hey Rachel Berry, do you ever get narvous... didn't think so!)

Sidenote: Jake and Marley are apparently full-on dating.  And it seems like Jake and Ryder are full-on BFFS now by the apple pie sex convo (gwoss) and jibberish. I need an idea of where this story is going because I don't get this friendship or love triangle in the slightest it's not even a triangle it's like an orb of Osmosis Jones and niceness that sings and dances and wear newspaper boy hats.

Finn chose to sabotage the Glee Club but making them perform "Gangnam Style".

In Korean. With Tina singing lead. Riiiight. The only good thing that came out of this is we got to see a lot of White Chocolate stripper dancing to which I say hell yeah.

At the actual competition, the Warblers let out one whistle and I already knew they were going to be better than the New Directions. A few notes on their performance:

1. I had no idea how they were going to make "Whistle" work but that's because I forgot that it's not an actual rap song and that Florida is one of the strangest music "artists" ever who is only known for the girls singing hooks in his songs and everyone could care less about the "rapping" or "singing" that goes on in between. I guarantee there isn't one person in this world who is a Florida fan or whose fave song is by Florida. (Well I can't guarantee it, but you know what I mean.) Also, as I'm writing this I'm pronouncing his name in my head like the state of Florida not like Flo-Rida so re-read it again and you will find it way funnier.)

2. That being said, I loved Whistle! Classssic Warlbers pegging.

3. Bassy still looks weird to me.
4. Did we really need a One Direction interpretation that sounded exactly like the original?

As for the New Directions, even Teen Jesus (I cannot remember his name to save my life) and his prayer could not save the hot mess that is the New Directions. Tina's Korean baby voice (btw she is not Korean) was paired with some wack ass dance moves, they need to take some tips from these Gangnam Style Ballers and Shot Callers:

#1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqFFKCzWCsM

#2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGl1tCNo6M8

And what about the effing Marley/Blaine duet we were promised! You can't open the can and not spill the beans, Finn! Worst sectionals ever.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

The New York stuff was fun, Quinn is awesome, but it was kinda awk having her try to fit in again, and another blown Sectionals opportunity. But still cuuuute.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: I really thought it was going to be "Home" but at the last minute I am changing my vote to "Let's Have a Kiki/Turkey Lurkey!" Holla atcha girl.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Reiterate Gangnam Style. The humping on all fours was just vile.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Sam doing his own beat box and stripper moves. That dance will never die.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Everyone babying Marley all the time, because that kind of gal is my least fave. Just stop. Also weren't Quinn and Puck supposed to have a romance? Boo you whores.

Other Thoughts:

-Wanky

-Those dance moves Mike Chang was teaching were all kind of wrong

-Grool for everyone

-Oh speak of the devil I knocked up

-I'm obsessed with the French Revolution.... okay.

-Is anyone shocked that Rachel and Quinn haven't visited each other

-Quinn if you tell everyone about the secret society it's not a secret anymore duh

-She'll be coming round the moutajn icki icki yeah bounce that ass shake it girl

-Apparently Mike Chang can sing as well as Phillip Phillips. Duh Jessica Sanchez all the way!! Or maybe THIS PEOPLE.

-Artie got two lines.

Glist

1. Sam Evans - TROUTY MOUTH REIGNS SUPREME

2. Ryder- Come on Ryde the train it's a choo choo.

3. Rachel- Apparently there is a Thanksgiving song that exists outside of this one and RB was just so fetch singing it!

4. Puck

5. Blaine just because.

6. Quinn

7. Brody

8. Jake

9. Mike Chang

10. Kitty

Next week's episode:
Rachel will be doing some singing and Kurt is auditioning. Also Sam and Brittany? They need to get some better girls on this show. And Sectionals Part 2?

DADDY WASN'T THERE PEACE! SuperBuddies cuz I always rock the New New Directions

Because Glee really wanted this episode to happen, a Pre-Thanksgiving episode occurred during Thanksgiving knowing good and well that the real Thanksgiving episode is a week after Thanksgiving. I've accepted it and moved on and so should you.

Here is what went this week for all of you who only read my blog and do not actually watch the episode anymore (BURN IN HADES!)

Finn is dressing like Mr. Shue, and his marker isn't working, his foreigner theme isn't working, his coffee drinking isn't working. After realizing that no one in the Glee Club was listening to him at all about anything, he made a lesson that would not really be relevant but would provide a great title for tonight's episode: DYNAMIC DUETS. The point of this lesson is to bring the Glee Club together by forcing people who don't like each other to sing together and dress up like superheroes but REALLY what it means is that he wants to spotlight the newbies and ignore the people who could really be singing some great duets: Artie, Sam, Blaine, Rachel, Kurt etc. He said some crap about the Avengers that would probably make this lesson seem more logical but the moral of the story is that Finn is a hot mess, and at the end there was a lot of cheering for him for no apparent reason and I think it was sarcastic cheering but one never knows do one?

Moving on. So at the center of this episode, we had a lil love square/friendship quadrilateral featuring Marley aka Wack Face, Mega Stud Faces Jake and Ryder Strong and of course Kitty Cat Woman. This is going to get complicated so follow along white people!

Kitty and Marley are frenemies. Marley is a low self-esteem having brunette and Kitty is a bad ass hilarious blonde. Kitty can't decide if she wants to help Marley or kill her. Marley is still Bulemic because Kitty told her to be, but then Kitty helped her go from Wall Flower to WOMAN FIERCE! But does Kitty hate her?? Or does she love her? The "Some Nights" performance was really chummy. But whatever, Marley decides at the end that she is gonna be a fierce slut instead of a nice wall flower, which is pretty much the conclusion of every glee episode.

Ryder and Jake are of course fighting over Marley, which is so baffling to me since her choice of hat has gotten worse with each passing scene. So in order to remain in the Glee Club, Jake and Ryder chose the same superhero alter ego, Mega Stud after being paired to sing together. Although how did Ryder know that mega started with an "M" and stud started with a "S"? Learn to read fool! So after doing a performance/fight scene which ended in an all out brawl hellz yeah, Finn, in his infinite wisdom, ordered Jake and Ryder to sit in a room and admit their deepest fears so that they could become a real-life dynamic duo. That's a really specific request from Finn but they seemed to accept their assignment with no argument so maybe I'm the crazy one?

Jake admitted to Ryder that his deepest fear is not fitting in with others because he is mixed race... . ok whatever, moving on. Ryder's biggest fear is that he can't read!!! His whole life must be like a horror movie because it's not just a fear- it's a reality! And Ryan Murphy has dropped in another social issue for us to swallow, digest and vomit all over a Glee Blog. Ryder cannot even read the word FLORB I mean this kid has problems. So he had a tantrum in front of his new Glee Club coach (those Glee Project acting lessons coming in handy) and of course there is a daddy issue wrapped up in there too. At least your dad wasn't dishonorably discharged from the army for drug use, Ryder gosh get a grip!

So all of this ended with Jake and Ryder becoming friends, which makes it awkward since they both want to bang Marley. Of course, Jake needed advice on how to handle this so he made a mid-school day call to his brother/BFF (when the hell did this happen) Noah Puckerman, who clearly had the greatest superhero identity of all: Pucker Man. Of course Puck has all the answers, as he is having relations with Teri Hatcher AND he was caught in this EXACT same situation when his best friend Finn was dating the love of his life, Quinn back in Season 1. So Puck gave this brotherly advice: Don't be a dick, but don't give up. Which actually is pretty great advice. So are Jake and Ryder gonna be BFF's now? Also Marley is a bitch- Ryder is trying to come to grips with his learning disability and you are just gonna move onto Jake like the whore that you wanna be? I hope Puck comes back and makes out with Marley to show everyone who is boss.

What Blaine Did/Warblers/Slaine

Although I just wrote a long diatribe on the new characters, the really important and relevant plot point of this episode is that Blaine Warbler needed to get his groove back. The Warbler beef is back on bout it bout it and they have gone and stolen the New Directions unsecure Nationals trophy! Of course Blaine is the only one who knows the layout of Dalton Academy's campus, so he was sent to negotiate with the terrorists. Once he arrived, he was greeted by Sebastian (who has a wack ass haircut) and Hunter who made the rookie villain mistake of revealing his master plan way earlier than necessary. And the master plan was to get Blaine to rejoin the Warlbers, which OF COURSE that was the plan, that is probably every Ohio show choir's master plan for the 2012-13 season. So they forced Blaine into a blazer and the Blazer Buddies performed a Kelly Clarkson song that was far better than the X Factor Kelly Clarkson cover that we had just witnessed minutes before. Sidenote: If there is a harp in the room, someone needs to be playing it. Sebastian said it best, Blaine was FLAWLESS, and this made Blaine's mind wander over to the dark side and consider quitting the New Directions to follow his birthright and his destiny. Because he is a child of destiny. A destiny's child.

Of course, the New Directions were OUTRAGED when hearing the news, but really we should all take a second and think about this scenario. Blaine did only transfer to McKinley for Kurt (which should have warned us that Blaine is a tad bit co-dependent) and now that Kurt AND Rachel are gone... it would seem in his best interest to go be with his friends again since he is just a sad sack of sad roaming around the halls of McKinley.

But wait! I forgot that he does have one friend at McKinley, and Trouty Mouth was there to remind us and save the day. In by far the most awesome pairing of all, Trouty Mouth had a heart-to-heart with Blaine and it was revealed that Blaine "hooked up" (that's a vague term used to refer to "had sex") with a Facebook rando! But Sam was there to de-villainize him and sing a dreamy duet while performing random community service and having a paint fight. This was meant to remind Blaine that he has more at McKinley than just Kurt, and it was adorable and awesome and made Blaine ultimately reject the Warblers.  Wooo! Victory!

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

It was cute and funny, but if you're gonna make a Blaine episode it needs to be heavier on the Blaine. And it's just criminal how underused Artie is. But solid episode, and gotta love ze Warblaz.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Some Nights performed by the New Directions. I love Ryder, Blaine and Jake and Loving him is RED. Marley did a fine job on the high notes but I wish those were sung by a boy ahem BLAINE WARBLER!! Also the spoken word portion brought to us by Teen Jesus was HILARIOUS STUFF.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Holding out for a Hero featuring Marley and Kitty. Marley can't dance, and "why was the whip even brought out"- Pat

Favorite Moment of the Episode Everything Sam did. Sam running away from Dalton in slow motion, Sam doing the Bane impression with a jock strap over his mouth, and Sam just being Sam.

Least Favorite Moment(s): The meant to be racial jokes against Jake... because they were so lame and not offensive enough to sting. Culture cappucino ooooohhhhh good one.
Also that cafeteria scene. Come on mom revealing your daughter's secrets!!!! And those football players would have stomped the New Directions out fsho.

Other Thoughts

-Unique missed a whole week of school
-Teen Jesus get outta here
-Poor Artie getting no lines, he barely made it in the club

-Tina is gonna flip out and shoot up the school if yall dont be careful

-"Worse than Funk or Night of Neglect?!?!?!?" Ok Night of Neglect was stupid solely because of the Gwyneth aspect of it but Funk was GENIUS!!! Need I remind you of the Unwed Mothership Connection and Good Vibrations??
-Old girls (Brittany, Sugar, Tina, etc) getting no love

-Artie and Sugar kiss during the painting scene??? Reeeeeeeeee!

-Punkin

-Maggie, I see that blonde warbler in my nightmares

Glist

1. Trouty Mouth

2. Ryder

3. Blaine

4. Jake- is the hawtest

5. Sugar - my power is Money

6. Puck

7. Artie

8. Blurred out facebook face who got to do it with Blaine- you go Glen Coco!

9. Sebastian

10. Becky

Next Week's Episode

I see a Kidz Bop Gangham Style performance in our future. RETURN OF QUINNY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBG0_4ngck8&feature=player_embedded

Brusha Brusha: You know it aint no Glee we be getting lots of Reeeeee

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IT'S SHOWTIME! Or should I say ho-time? (I'm looking at you Cassie)

This week was all about McKinley High's amateur yet strangely professional and flawless production of the greatest musical of all time: Grease, a musical all about fixing cars... really? I thought it was a love story? either way either way let's take a blood oath with ma brothaz and get the bottles poppin for another solid Glee Season 4 Episode!

As in typical Glee fashion, no performance can go on without first overcoming some haters and obstacles, and this play was no different.

Obstacle #1 Mr. Shue is leaving. My reaction was the same as Unique's (what's the fuss about?) but everyone seemed distressed because Finn is the new coach and is not qualified to do anything but give inspirational talks to Rachel.

Obstacle #2 Sue is back like she left something. So NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE, why Finn was so strangely offensive last week by calling Sue's baby retarded! They needed some conflict so that Sue hates Glee again and so that the boys have a reason to perform in an auto shop.

Obstacle #3 Unique was pulled out of the play. Although Unique's parents are fine with Unique being a unique girl on a unique stage in Chicago and in the confines of Unique's own home, they do not want to risk Unique's safety by allowing Unique to perform in drag in OHIO OF ALL PLACES. QUICK...WE NEED A NEW RIZZO!

:::Flashback to my blog from last week:::

"she [Unique] WAS NOT BORN TO PLAY RIZZO THAT ROLE BELONGS TO SANTANA FREAKING LOPEZ SO EVERYONE SHUT UP."

Ok either I am part-psychic or Ryan Murphy has been reading my blog and then changing his scripts. Either possibility works for me. So Santana returns (they conveniently left off her reasoning for being back in town just in time for us to not care) to play Rizzo and Unique is left looking dramatic in the audience.

Obstacle #4 Marley may or may not be in the early stages of an eating disorder. (Maggie/Brittany totally called this!) Kitty Kat, that sly dog, is still on the warpath and in her infinite wisdom tricked skinny ass Marley into thinking she was gaining weight and on the way to swan diving into her fat genetic pool. Feeling paranoid about her destiny, Marley went to her mom for advice. And instead of hearing the normal " girl you're amazing just the way you are", or the " that's what makes you beautiful" or the "baby you were born this way" pep talk, Marley's mom encouraged her to fight to be thin and beautiful? Huh? Shouldn't there have been something in there about as long as you are healthy that is all that is important? This is why bitches are messed up in the head. THIN IS ALWAYS IN and it's so exhausting.  Happy Hunger Games! But I digress.

At her girls only + Unique sleepover, Kitty urged Marley to give Bulemia a whirl, come on everyone is doing it! Even for Kitty that was messed up- but Marley isn't smart enough to step on a scale and realize that she actually hasn't gained a pound so she started on her downward spiral. Just when Marley reached her lowest point and decided to take a trip to the Wiz Palace, none other than BLAKE/RYDER stepped in to provide an inspirational story about laxatives and publicly shitting yourself. Sigh. Blake is so dreamy.

So Marley changed into an EVEN TIGHTER outfit which made Blake go all bow chicka wow wow. Which teaches us all the valuable lesson that it doesn't matter if you are fat or skinny as long as you are a slut.

But seriously, where was Glee's lesson on body acceptance? Maybe that''ll come later and this was just a warm-up. Also Blake and Marley kissed! I am so into it!

Now let's all go to Gullah Gullah island aka NYADA

Back in dance class, Kate Hudson was vewy sneakay and up to no good. She hired Brody as her TA, and then got Rachel to leave town after being metaphorically bitched slapped when Rachel suggested that she try to get back in the game. Rachel, Cassandra is a baddd bitch and she is THE GAME. THE GAME IS THE GAME AND MY NAME IS MY NAME. And Cassie and Brody got it on and of course Cassandra rubbed it in Rachel's face like a true boss.

Poor Rachel. We all know that feeling when you are in an emotionally fragile state trying to get over one boy by liking another one and then the new boy turns out to be an asshole too and it feels like you have been stabbed in the pelvis by 500 tiny little knives. That is what we witnessed in this episode. Kudos to Glee for a 15th straight brilliant Finchel scene, as Finn witnessed Rachel's 1 kind of crying and realize it wasn't for him. But it kind of was right? That's why she ran out of the auditorium... but regardless it's over for real now. And they will not be in contact at all...not even in song. And scene.

Overall Grade for the Episode A

Here is why I loved this episode: Great music. Plot fit into the songs and songs added to the plot. A couple genius moments and Rachel looks less crazy. Also I thought that Rachel and Kurt's return was extremely realistic and it takes a lot for Glee to be realistic.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: There were many, but this line from Sue took the cake: "This just one of your ill conceived bizarrely sentimental schemes that displays absolutely no forethought and appears immediately ridiculous to everyone in America except you."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode Tina throwing a tantrum about Finn becoming the director. Bitch back up.

Favorite Performance(s) of the Episode:

They were all so good but my favorite was You're the One that I Want and here's why:

Marley and Ryder started it off with a bang. Sounded so good, great dancing and acting. So fun and awesome! Would have already been my favorite without the genius twist. When they freaking turned that shit into a flashback..... I will try to describe my feelings now. I was so happy to see the old gang up there performing and especially knowing that this was just in their imaginations so it wasn't corny or anything. BUT THEN THE FLASHBACK TO RACHEL AND FINN IN SEASON 1 AND RACHEL DRESSED LIKE SHE WAS WHEN SHE TRIED TO SEDUCE FINN... and singing the words "You're the one that I want." My heart lowered all the way to the floor but my brain was still up and singing along to the music. I was verklempt to say the least. And this is easily my favorite performance of the season so far.

Other Great Performances:

Beauty School Dropout -Not to be repetitive but Blaine is the most perfect human being ever created and then you throw in Sugar Motta and you have just spun pure gold rumplestilskin!

Greased Lightning Sam Evans is the show and he sounded so perfect. Mike Chang FULL OUT PEACE OUT.

Sandra Dee (Marley)- so perfect and wonderful! Get it girl!

There are Worst Things I Could Do- Never thought I would be happy to see Kate Hudson sing. All 3 (Santana, Unique and Cassie) sounded so good and the words worked with the plot, although I'm confused who pissed in Santana's cheerios.

Look at me I'm Sandra Dee (Kitty) About jumped out of my seat when they transitioned into this and put on Marley's wack hat. Could have done without the handstand booty pop (slut ass Brittany) but the whole thing was so cute.

Glist

1. Sam- I just cannot deny Trouty Mouth's effortless star power

2. Blake/Ryder- I feel like he has been on the show for 4 seasons

3. Marley- coming into her own! I am actually rooting for her now. Miracles happen once in a while when you believe

4. Blaine

5. Rachel- I feel for you. Great job acting and going in the right direction away from crazytown

6. Sugar Motta

7. Finn

8. Kitty

9. Brody- he got game.

10. Jake

Other thoughts

-Can someone explain what is wrong with Santana?  I feel out of the loop

-Tina has turned into the Toby Flenderson/ Jerry of Glee and I love it! She gets shat on again and again!!!
-Brody's back muscles are like whoa

-"Where is Harajuku girl?"

-Mercedes calling the highschoolers kids was laughable. Bitch you just graduated 5 minutes ago

-Tina and Mike, we stopped caring about you the minute we found out you broke up

-They need to stop re-using old jokes ie Sue throwing stuff outside of Figgins office

Next Week's Glee Episode

RETURN OF THE WARBLERS AND I'M SO READY. Superheros? I'll bite... let's go for 4 great ones in a row! PUCKERMAN 
Watch the promo here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hesTc20Gy9A