Kiki Kiki Tembo No Rembembro: Degrassi por tu Glee

Putt Putt travels through time as we are really existing in last week, when it was Thanksgiving, and I was literally 2.5 lbs lighter... Marley give me some of those laxatives stat.

In 2012 last week but this week as well, the show choir circuit decided to make sectionals coincide with Thanksgiving break, which was a perfect time to combine all the things we love about Glee: The old kids, anorexia/Bulemia, Sectionals, the Warblers, laxatives, dance-offs and high buns. 

Question 1, does McKinley High not let kids out of the school for Thanksgiving? Someone check that out and get back to me and while I'm waiting on an answer I will blog.

GLEE CLUB LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN PIMPLE haaha that makes no sense but everyone can suck it!  

So all of the old kids (minus Lauren Zizes and Matt wtf) are back in the hizzy. Santana, Mercedes, Finn and Mike just spent the last week working on Grease together so I'm not sure why they're so excited to see each other, but one thing I am sure of, we are ALL so excited to see Quinny Poo and Puckasauras back in action at McKinley. Quinn's hair grew back out OR she is wearing a wig, but either way it seems that she has found a happy medium between psycho Quinn and nice Quinn, and I for one think it would be a great time for a Finn and Quinn backslide. (Repeats don't count! Let's get it on! )

But I digress, everyone is home for the Holidays, and Finn believes that the ND Vets can help him whip his sad sack of losers into shape before Sectionals, which apparently gives them all the right to walk around high school all day with no hall pass and interrupt everyone's lives.  Quinn and Kitty obviously were paired up, because Kitty is Glee's attempt to retain the magic and awesomeness of Lucy Caboosy, and Santana was matched with the Ball of Nerves formerly known as Marley.  The Unholy Trinity reunited to perform together just as they had 3 years ago, (I loved the performance of course but if that was performed by anyone else I would be annoyed that weren't doing anything not plot related) until things took a turn for the worst DUN DUN DUN. After Santana started doggin on Quinn's girl Kitty, it was revealed that Quinn is yet again "all excited about defining her life by another guy" and is banging a 35 year old married man! LOUDER! I'm just saying you could do better bitch. And they slapped each other but that's all that ready came of that. Also, Mercedes was cloned.

In the big city of Nyader, Rachel and Kurt made some bold and awesome statements like "forget about guys we are on the verge of become the best versions of ourselves" and then completely forgot they said that by the following scene. Brody and Rachel had a loud ass conversation in dance class about the Kate Hudson humping but not to worry, the pique turn exercises are a thing of the past and we are on to the Foxtrot!  Rachel forgave Brody and invited him to Thanksgiving, where SJP and her gang of Queens joined in on the KIKI!!! Brody read my mind as we both simultaneously asked "Wtf is a Kiki?" and I'm not sure still but I know that I wanna have a KiKi all of the days of the year. So Rachel and Brody are adorable... but they are only runners up in the 2012 Week After Thanksgiving Couple award, after that heart-wrenching and wonderful phone conversation between Kurt and Blaine.

Literally just as the thought "is Blaine in this episode" crossed my mind, Kurt called Blaine on his ugly horrible Droid phone and here are the notes I wrote down on my phone as I watched. Enjoy:

"Omgggggggggg my life is hanging in the balance!!! Omg blaine!!  Favorite scene of all time!!!! I love you toooo ahhhh!!  I want SJP to be my mom"

So there is hope left in the world after all. But Blaine was looking a little bit INSANO IN THE MEMBRANO DOME EL REMOTO MR. ROBOTO.

With all of this love and Thanksgiving dancing going on, Sectionals became a literal sideshow, as the New Directions tried to pull a reverse Wizards and remain unbeaten in the category.

Ok, is it just me or did everyone know from the first minute of this episode that Marley was going to pass out on stage? Widdle Marley can't decide if she wants to be super-motivated and awesome or shaky little naked mole rat, so she wasn't eating anything but one tic tac and taking laxatives. (Hey Rachel Berry, do you ever get narvous... didn't think so!)

Sidenote: Jake and Marley are apparently full-on dating.  And it seems like Jake and Ryder are full-on BFFS now by the apple pie sex convo (gwoss) and jibberish. I need an idea of where this story is going because I don't get this friendship or love triangle in the slightest it's not even a triangle it's like an orb of Osmosis Jones and niceness that sings and dances and wear newspaper boy hats.

Finn chose to sabotage the Glee Club but making them perform "Gangnam Style".

In Korean. With Tina singing lead. Riiiight. The only good thing that came out of this is we got to see a lot of White Chocolate stripper dancing to which I say hell yeah.

At the actual competition, the Warblers let out one whistle and I already knew they were going to be better than the New Directions. A few notes on their performance:

1. I had no idea how they were going to make "Whistle" work but that's because I forgot that it's not an actual rap song and that Florida is one of the strangest music "artists" ever who is only known for the girls singing hooks in his songs and everyone could care less about the "rapping" or "singing" that goes on in between. I guarantee there isn't one person in this world who is a Florida fan or whose fave song is by Florida. (Well I can't guarantee it, but you know what I mean.) Also, as I'm writing this I'm pronouncing his name in my head like the state of Florida not like Flo-Rida so re-read it again and you will find it way funnier.)

2. That being said, I loved Whistle! Classssic Warlbers pegging.

3. Bassy still looks weird to me.
4. Did we really need a One Direction interpretation that sounded exactly like the original?

As for the New Directions, even Teen Jesus (I cannot remember his name to save my life) and his prayer could not save the hot mess that is the New Directions. Tina's Korean baby voice (btw she is not Korean) was paired with some wack ass dance moves, they need to take some tips from these Gangnam Style Ballers and Shot Callers:

#1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqFFKCzWCsM

#2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGl1tCNo6M8

And what about the effing Marley/Blaine duet we were promised! You can't open the can and not spill the beans, Finn! Worst sectionals ever.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

The New York stuff was fun, Quinn is awesome, but it was kinda awk having her try to fit in again, and another blown Sectionals opportunity. But still cuuuute.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: I really thought it was going to be "Home" but at the last minute I am changing my vote to "Let's Have a Kiki/Turkey Lurkey!" Holla atcha girl.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Reiterate Gangnam Style. The humping on all fours was just vile.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Sam doing his own beat box and stripper moves. That dance will never die.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Everyone babying Marley all the time, because that kind of gal is my least fave. Just stop. Also weren't Quinn and Puck supposed to have a romance? Boo you whores.

Other Thoughts:

-Wanky

-Those dance moves Mike Chang was teaching were all kind of wrong

-Grool for everyone

-Oh speak of the devil I knocked up

-I'm obsessed with the French Revolution.... okay.

-Is anyone shocked that Rachel and Quinn haven't visited each other

-Quinn if you tell everyone about the secret society it's not a secret anymore duh

-She'll be coming round the moutajn icki icki yeah bounce that ass shake it girl

-Apparently Mike Chang can sing as well as Phillip Phillips. Duh Jessica Sanchez all the way!! Or maybe THIS PEOPLE.

-Artie got two lines.

Glist

1. Sam Evans - TROUTY MOUTH REIGNS SUPREME

2. Ryder- Come on Ryde the train it's a choo choo.

3. Rachel- Apparently there is a Thanksgiving song that exists outside of this one and RB was just so fetch singing it!

4. Puck

5. Blaine just because.

6. Quinn

7. Brody

8. Jake

9. Mike Chang

10. Kitty

Next week's episode:
Rachel will be doing some singing and Kurt is auditioning. Also Sam and Brittany? They need to get some better girls on this show. And Sectionals Part 2?

DADDY WASN'T THERE PEACE! SuperBuddies cuz I always rock the New New Directions

Because Glee really wanted this episode to happen, a Pre-Thanksgiving episode occurred during Thanksgiving knowing good and well that the real Thanksgiving episode is a week after Thanksgiving. I've accepted it and moved on and so should you.

Here is what went this week for all of you who only read my blog and do not actually watch the episode anymore (BURN IN HADES!)

Finn is dressing like Mr. Shue, and his marker isn't working, his foreigner theme isn't working, his coffee drinking isn't working. After realizing that no one in the Glee Club was listening to him at all about anything, he made a lesson that would not really be relevant but would provide a great title for tonight's episode: DYNAMIC DUETS. The point of this lesson is to bring the Glee Club together by forcing people who don't like each other to sing together and dress up like superheroes but REALLY what it means is that he wants to spotlight the newbies and ignore the people who could really be singing some great duets: Artie, Sam, Blaine, Rachel, Kurt etc. He said some crap about the Avengers that would probably make this lesson seem more logical but the moral of the story is that Finn is a hot mess, and at the end there was a lot of cheering for him for no apparent reason and I think it was sarcastic cheering but one never knows do one?

Moving on. So at the center of this episode, we had a lil love square/friendship quadrilateral featuring Marley aka Wack Face, Mega Stud Faces Jake and Ryder Strong and of course Kitty Cat Woman. This is going to get complicated so follow along white people!

Kitty and Marley are frenemies. Marley is a low self-esteem having brunette and Kitty is a bad ass hilarious blonde. Kitty can't decide if she wants to help Marley or kill her. Marley is still Bulemic because Kitty told her to be, but then Kitty helped her go from Wall Flower to WOMAN FIERCE! But does Kitty hate her?? Or does she love her? The "Some Nights" performance was really chummy. But whatever, Marley decides at the end that she is gonna be a fierce slut instead of a nice wall flower, which is pretty much the conclusion of every glee episode.

Ryder and Jake are of course fighting over Marley, which is so baffling to me since her choice of hat has gotten worse with each passing scene. So in order to remain in the Glee Club, Jake and Ryder chose the same superhero alter ego, Mega Stud after being paired to sing together. Although how did Ryder know that mega started with an "M" and stud started with a "S"? Learn to read fool! So after doing a performance/fight scene which ended in an all out brawl hellz yeah, Finn, in his infinite wisdom, ordered Jake and Ryder to sit in a room and admit their deepest fears so that they could become a real-life dynamic duo. That's a really specific request from Finn but they seemed to accept their assignment with no argument so maybe I'm the crazy one?

Jake admitted to Ryder that his deepest fear is not fitting in with others because he is mixed race... . ok whatever, moving on. Ryder's biggest fear is that he can't read!!! His whole life must be like a horror movie because it's not just a fear- it's a reality! And Ryan Murphy has dropped in another social issue for us to swallow, digest and vomit all over a Glee Blog. Ryder cannot even read the word FLORB I mean this kid has problems. So he had a tantrum in front of his new Glee Club coach (those Glee Project acting lessons coming in handy) and of course there is a daddy issue wrapped up in there too. At least your dad wasn't dishonorably discharged from the army for drug use, Ryder gosh get a grip!

So all of this ended with Jake and Ryder becoming friends, which makes it awkward since they both want to bang Marley. Of course, Jake needed advice on how to handle this so he made a mid-school day call to his brother/BFF (when the hell did this happen) Noah Puckerman, who clearly had the greatest superhero identity of all: Pucker Man. Of course Puck has all the answers, as he is having relations with Teri Hatcher AND he was caught in this EXACT same situation when his best friend Finn was dating the love of his life, Quinn back in Season 1. So Puck gave this brotherly advice: Don't be a dick, but don't give up. Which actually is pretty great advice. So are Jake and Ryder gonna be BFF's now? Also Marley is a bitch- Ryder is trying to come to grips with his learning disability and you are just gonna move onto Jake like the whore that you wanna be? I hope Puck comes back and makes out with Marley to show everyone who is boss.

What Blaine Did/Warblers/Slaine

Although I just wrote a long diatribe on the new characters, the really important and relevant plot point of this episode is that Blaine Warbler needed to get his groove back. The Warbler beef is back on bout it bout it and they have gone and stolen the New Directions unsecure Nationals trophy! Of course Blaine is the only one who knows the layout of Dalton Academy's campus, so he was sent to negotiate with the terrorists. Once he arrived, he was greeted by Sebastian (who has a wack ass haircut) and Hunter who made the rookie villain mistake of revealing his master plan way earlier than necessary. And the master plan was to get Blaine to rejoin the Warlbers, which OF COURSE that was the plan, that is probably every Ohio show choir's master plan for the 2012-13 season. So they forced Blaine into a blazer and the Blazer Buddies performed a Kelly Clarkson song that was far better than the X Factor Kelly Clarkson cover that we had just witnessed minutes before. Sidenote: If there is a harp in the room, someone needs to be playing it. Sebastian said it best, Blaine was FLAWLESS, and this made Blaine's mind wander over to the dark side and consider quitting the New Directions to follow his birthright and his destiny. Because he is a child of destiny. A destiny's child.

Of course, the New Directions were OUTRAGED when hearing the news, but really we should all take a second and think about this scenario. Blaine did only transfer to McKinley for Kurt (which should have warned us that Blaine is a tad bit co-dependent) and now that Kurt AND Rachel are gone... it would seem in his best interest to go be with his friends again since he is just a sad sack of sad roaming around the halls of McKinley.

But wait! I forgot that he does have one friend at McKinley, and Trouty Mouth was there to remind us and save the day. In by far the most awesome pairing of all, Trouty Mouth had a heart-to-heart with Blaine and it was revealed that Blaine "hooked up" (that's a vague term used to refer to "had sex") with a Facebook rando! But Sam was there to de-villainize him and sing a dreamy duet while performing random community service and having a paint fight. This was meant to remind Blaine that he has more at McKinley than just Kurt, and it was adorable and awesome and made Blaine ultimately reject the Warblers.  Wooo! Victory!

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

It was cute and funny, but if you're gonna make a Blaine episode it needs to be heavier on the Blaine. And it's just criminal how underused Artie is. But solid episode, and gotta love ze Warblaz.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Some Nights performed by the New Directions. I love Ryder, Blaine and Jake and Loving him is RED. Marley did a fine job on the high notes but I wish those were sung by a boy ahem BLAINE WARBLER!! Also the spoken word portion brought to us by Teen Jesus was HILARIOUS STUFF.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Holding out for a Hero featuring Marley and Kitty. Marley can't dance, and "why was the whip even brought out"- Pat

Favorite Moment of the Episode Everything Sam did. Sam running away from Dalton in slow motion, Sam doing the Bane impression with a jock strap over his mouth, and Sam just being Sam.

Least Favorite Moment(s): The meant to be racial jokes against Jake... because they were so lame and not offensive enough to sting. Culture cappucino ooooohhhhh good one.
Also that cafeteria scene. Come on mom revealing your daughter's secrets!!!! And those football players would have stomped the New Directions out fsho.

Other Thoughts

-Unique missed a whole week of school
-Teen Jesus get outta here
-Poor Artie getting no lines, he barely made it in the club

-Tina is gonna flip out and shoot up the school if yall dont be careful

-"Worse than Funk or Night of Neglect?!?!?!?" Ok Night of Neglect was stupid solely because of the Gwyneth aspect of it but Funk was GENIUS!!! Need I remind you of the Unwed Mothership Connection and Good Vibrations??
-Old girls (Brittany, Sugar, Tina, etc) getting no love

-Artie and Sugar kiss during the painting scene??? Reeeeeeeeee!

-Punkin

-Maggie, I see that blonde warbler in my nightmares

Glist

1. Trouty Mouth

2. Ryder

3. Blaine

4. Jake- is the hawtest

5. Sugar - my power is Money

6. Puck

7. Artie

8. Blurred out facebook face who got to do it with Blaine- you go Glen Coco!

9. Sebastian

10. Becky

Next Week's Episode

I see a Kidz Bop Gangham Style performance in our future. RETURN OF QUINNY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBG0_4ngck8&feature=player_embedded

Brusha Brusha: You know it aint no Glee we be getting lots of Reeeeee

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IT'S SHOWTIME! Or should I say ho-time? (I'm looking at you Cassie)

This week was all about McKinley High's amateur yet strangely professional and flawless production of the greatest musical of all time: Grease, a musical all about fixing cars... really? I thought it was a love story? either way either way let's take a blood oath with ma brothaz and get the bottles poppin for another solid Glee Season 4 Episode!

As in typical Glee fashion, no performance can go on without first overcoming some haters and obstacles, and this play was no different.

Obstacle #1 Mr. Shue is leaving. My reaction was the same as Unique's (what's the fuss about?) but everyone seemed distressed because Finn is the new coach and is not qualified to do anything but give inspirational talks to Rachel.

Obstacle #2 Sue is back like she left something. So NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE, why Finn was so strangely offensive last week by calling Sue's baby retarded! They needed some conflict so that Sue hates Glee again and so that the boys have a reason to perform in an auto shop.

Obstacle #3 Unique was pulled out of the play. Although Unique's parents are fine with Unique being a unique girl on a unique stage in Chicago and in the confines of Unique's own home, they do not want to risk Unique's safety by allowing Unique to perform in drag in OHIO OF ALL PLACES. QUICK...WE NEED A NEW RIZZO!

:::Flashback to my blog from last week:::

"she [Unique] WAS NOT BORN TO PLAY RIZZO THAT ROLE BELONGS TO SANTANA FREAKING LOPEZ SO EVERYONE SHUT UP."

Ok either I am part-psychic or Ryan Murphy has been reading my blog and then changing his scripts. Either possibility works for me. So Santana returns (they conveniently left off her reasoning for being back in town just in time for us to not care) to play Rizzo and Unique is left looking dramatic in the audience.

Obstacle #4 Marley may or may not be in the early stages of an eating disorder. (Maggie/Brittany totally called this!) Kitty Kat, that sly dog, is still on the warpath and in her infinite wisdom tricked skinny ass Marley into thinking she was gaining weight and on the way to swan diving into her fat genetic pool. Feeling paranoid about her destiny, Marley went to her mom for advice. And instead of hearing the normal " girl you're amazing just the way you are", or the " that's what makes you beautiful" or the "baby you were born this way" pep talk, Marley's mom encouraged her to fight to be thin and beautiful? Huh? Shouldn't there have been something in there about as long as you are healthy that is all that is important? This is why bitches are messed up in the head. THIN IS ALWAYS IN and it's so exhausting.  Happy Hunger Games! But I digress.

At her girls only + Unique sleepover, Kitty urged Marley to give Bulemia a whirl, come on everyone is doing it! Even for Kitty that was messed up- but Marley isn't smart enough to step on a scale and realize that she actually hasn't gained a pound so she started on her downward spiral. Just when Marley reached her lowest point and decided to take a trip to the Wiz Palace, none other than BLAKE/RYDER stepped in to provide an inspirational story about laxatives and publicly shitting yourself. Sigh. Blake is so dreamy.

So Marley changed into an EVEN TIGHTER outfit which made Blake go all bow chicka wow wow. Which teaches us all the valuable lesson that it doesn't matter if you are fat or skinny as long as you are a slut.

But seriously, where was Glee's lesson on body acceptance? Maybe that''ll come later and this was just a warm-up. Also Blake and Marley kissed! I am so into it!

Now let's all go to Gullah Gullah island aka NYADA

Back in dance class, Kate Hudson was vewy sneakay and up to no good. She hired Brody as her TA, and then got Rachel to leave town after being metaphorically bitched slapped when Rachel suggested that she try to get back in the game. Rachel, Cassandra is a baddd bitch and she is THE GAME. THE GAME IS THE GAME AND MY NAME IS MY NAME. And Cassie and Brody got it on and of course Cassandra rubbed it in Rachel's face like a true boss.

Poor Rachel. We all know that feeling when you are in an emotionally fragile state trying to get over one boy by liking another one and then the new boy turns out to be an asshole too and it feels like you have been stabbed in the pelvis by 500 tiny little knives. That is what we witnessed in this episode. Kudos to Glee for a 15th straight brilliant Finchel scene, as Finn witnessed Rachel's 1 kind of crying and realize it wasn't for him. But it kind of was right? That's why she ran out of the auditorium... but regardless it's over for real now. And they will not be in contact at all...not even in song. And scene.

Overall Grade for the Episode A

Here is why I loved this episode: Great music. Plot fit into the songs and songs added to the plot. A couple genius moments and Rachel looks less crazy. Also I thought that Rachel and Kurt's return was extremely realistic and it takes a lot for Glee to be realistic.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: There were many, but this line from Sue took the cake: "This just one of your ill conceived bizarrely sentimental schemes that displays absolutely no forethought and appears immediately ridiculous to everyone in America except you."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode Tina throwing a tantrum about Finn becoming the director. Bitch back up.

Favorite Performance(s) of the Episode:

They were all so good but my favorite was You're the One that I Want and here's why:

Marley and Ryder started it off with a bang. Sounded so good, great dancing and acting. So fun and awesome! Would have already been my favorite without the genius twist. When they freaking turned that shit into a flashback..... I will try to describe my feelings now. I was so happy to see the old gang up there performing and especially knowing that this was just in their imaginations so it wasn't corny or anything. BUT THEN THE FLASHBACK TO RACHEL AND FINN IN SEASON 1 AND RACHEL DRESSED LIKE SHE WAS WHEN SHE TRIED TO SEDUCE FINN... and singing the words "You're the one that I want." My heart lowered all the way to the floor but my brain was still up and singing along to the music. I was verklempt to say the least. And this is easily my favorite performance of the season so far.

Other Great Performances:

Beauty School Dropout -Not to be repetitive but Blaine is the most perfect human being ever created and then you throw in Sugar Motta and you have just spun pure gold rumplestilskin!

Greased Lightning Sam Evans is the show and he sounded so perfect. Mike Chang FULL OUT PEACE OUT.

Sandra Dee (Marley)- so perfect and wonderful! Get it girl!

There are Worst Things I Could Do- Never thought I would be happy to see Kate Hudson sing. All 3 (Santana, Unique and Cassie) sounded so good and the words worked with the plot, although I'm confused who pissed in Santana's cheerios.

Look at me I'm Sandra Dee (Kitty) About jumped out of my seat when they transitioned into this and put on Marley's wack hat. Could have done without the handstand booty pop (slut ass Brittany) but the whole thing was so cute.

Glist

1. Sam- I just cannot deny Trouty Mouth's effortless star power

2. Blake/Ryder- I feel like he has been on the show for 4 seasons

3. Marley- coming into her own! I am actually rooting for her now. Miracles happen once in a while when you believe

4. Blaine

5. Rachel- I feel for you. Great job acting and going in the right direction away from crazytown

6. Sugar Motta

7. Finn

8. Kitty

9. Brody- he got game.

10. Jake

Other thoughts

-Can someone explain what is wrong with Santana?  I feel out of the loop

-Tina has turned into the Toby Flenderson/ Jerry of Glee and I love it! She gets shat on again and again!!!
-Brody's back muscles are like whoa

-"Where is Harajuku girl?"

-Mercedes calling the highschoolers kids was laughable. Bitch you just graduated 5 minutes ago

-Tina and Mike, we stopped caring about you the minute we found out you broke up

-They need to stop re-using old jokes ie Sue throwing stuff outside of Figgins office

Next Week's Glee Episode

RETURN OF THE WARBLERS AND I'M SO READY. Superheros? I'll bite... let's go for 4 great ones in a row! PUCKERMAN 
Watch the promo here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hesTc20Gy9A

Barack is President! Eye of the Tiger! :::throws basketball backwards:::

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This recap has nothing to do with the election, just trying to attract readers. Man we out here tryna function!

Since Glee's last episode 6 and a half months ago, we have had a lot to process. Mainly that Rachel Berry has become a shell of her former self and her hair is full of secrets, but luckily we were not forced to revisit that tragedy this week. Instead, we were back at McKinley HALLELUJAH HOLLA BACK for a fun-filled episode (minus the retarded baby comment) centered on casting the school musical! Of course this begs the question:

WHAT ROLE ARE YOU BORN TO PLAY? A Behavioral Study on the Tendencies of Glee Characters to Relive the Storylines of Previous Fictional Characters.

I sit when I pee annnnnd let's begin!

Finn Hudson was born to play the role of DRUMROLL PLEASE provided by Finn Hudson himself... MR. SHUE! 

Yes, Finn was born to play the role of M. Shue. I mean I don't know how I didn't see it coming, the similarities are uncanny. They both love Rachel Berry and 80's rock. They both like the Glee Club omg. And just like Shue, Finn was losing his way, down and out with no direction, but found a NEW DIRECTION by becoming a DIRECTOR and of course the music brought him back! Don't stop believing Finn! You are meant to MOVE people! Is the pity party over for him now that he is the new Glee Club coach? I wonder if Mr. Shue will ever come back, or if they will have a wrestling match over who gets to be the Glee Club coach! But before we get ahead of ourselves, Finn has to cast the musical in the only way he knows how... by finding a hot football player singing classic rock in the locker room shower.

Just kidding, thank God Glee didn't re-use that one for the third time. Instead, we got the introduction of a lifetime as Blake Jenner (no relation to Bruce to Brody) aka Ryder caught Finn's eye with his sweet touchdown dance moves. GONNA SHOUT IT FROM THE MOUNTAINTOPS. A STAR IS BORN.

Which brings us to "Ryder" who was born to play the role of... Finn Hudson.

Ryder, like Finn, is struggling with the classic WPP of not being able to break his C- minus average, and needs singing and dancing to help him get the hang of his high school career. Makes sense so far. Finn encourages Ryder to try out for the school musical, but Ryder doesn't sing. Cut to one of the most classic Glee lines in the history of the show:

Ryder: I don't sing

Finn: Prove it.

Hahahahahhaha. Classic Glee. To which Ryder should have replied: "Okay... I'll just sit here and not sing and that'll show you I'm not lying." This episode is killing it in all the right ways. 

So Finn and Blake/Ryder took to the auditorium stage, after a conveniently placed Jukebox stocked with only 80's Classic Rock tunes play a suspiciously relevant "Jukebox Hero" song. Can I just say that Finn's advice of "Just sing, it'll work trust me. Like a good poop" does not translate to real life. I have been trying to be a good singer since the days of All Saints " Never Ever" (tried to form several girl groups at a young age) and it never "worked." So no Finn, I don't trust you. And but luckily it worked for Ryder and now the competition is ON and poppin for Danny Zuko!

Side note:
I love me some Blake. Can everyone just take a second and imagine what this episode would be like if Charlie had won the Glee Project Season 2?? hahahahah I am dying laughing over the thought of that, and Charlie knocking over that blind guy's cane.

Let's get into the real shit- GREASE CASTING!

Mercedes and Mike Chang are back (so random, do you guys have jobs) to help cast the play with Finn and Artie... and here is what we are working with people:

Blaine who was CLEARLY born to play the role of Danny Zuko (and Tony from West Side Story) is an emotional wreck! Good lord. Hey nerd, get off the football field while we are trying to practice in slow motion and go be the Danny Zuko of our dreams!  But hecky ya to Teen Angel that is gonna be straight fiyyaaaaa!

Unique found herself in a unique situation (play on words) as she is a man trying to play the greatest girl role ever: RIZZO and some peeps may not like the look of that. Her audition was wack. Every unique performance involves her model walking and she WAS NOT BORN TO PLAY RIZZO THAT ROLE BELONGS TO SANTANA FREAKING LOPEZ SO EVERYONE SHUT UP. But she got the part so we shall see if she can actually act but oh wait, we already know that she can't.

The real competition started with the lead roles, Danny and Sandy.

KITTY SINGS! Yes! Jake and Kitty Kat auditioned together to Everybody Talks which was just the most precious Dancing with the Stars number ever! Ten from Len! Marley and Ryder were also in the running, and they all performed the most genius Handjive performance for call backs (more on that later). Kitty is so much better than Marley, but too much of a bad ass to be Sandy. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN RIZZO WAKE UP PEOPLE! And Jake should clearly be Danny, but I can't root against Ryder so sometimes it be's like that.

In other news:

Coach Beiste is in the hizzy! Will and Emma are boring and Sue hates trannys! Sashay!

Overall Grade for the Episode: A

Such a great comeback! Glee Season 4 actually made me care about the new characters today, and I actually kind of like Marley now! Anything Grease- related is always fantastic. You Go Glen Coco!

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Clearly Handjive!!!!!! Performed by Mercedes, Mike Chang, Marley, Jake, Ryder and Kitty Kat. Ok the premise started out believable for once, judging couples chemistry and 50's dancing... but then BAM they hit us with some original Grease choreo AND the relevant tension between Kitty, Jake and Marley. And was that a double kartwheel? I could smell the desperation! What an epic number. BRAVA Glee!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Blow Me One Last Kiss performed by Marley and Unique. Anytime they perform together I will always be reminded on Womanizer which was the worst ever. I see Marley trying to step her performance up but she is still boring and the harmonizing was wack.

Favorite Moment of the Episode:

Brought to you by the incomparable Trouty Mouth: "I got hit by a car door once and I'm really looking forward to reliving the reality of that moment."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:

Retarded baby dammmmmmn shit just got real and awkward and real awkward.

Other Thoughts:

If Marley as Sandy doesn't speak in an Australian accent or whatever I quit life!

Please don't make a "Mr Shue goes to DC" segment of each show
Tina got 2 lines.

Brittany go NOOOO lines haha what is happening.

Congratulations Barry Obama.

I look like Erykah Badu

Glist
1. Jake- EVERYBODY TALKS FEATURED SOME JAKE DANCING AND I DON'T HATE IT AT ALL. This dude is for real.
2. Ryder- I wonder if Michael is sitting at home poking his Blake voodoo doll.
3. Sugar motta- as Frenchie? Too good. Beauty School Dropout no graduation day for u. and none for Gretchen Weiners.
4. Mike Chang- looking better than ever without that sack of lard attached to his arm.
5. Sam
6. Kitty Kat - Singing and dancing and hurling insults just the way I like her.
7. Artie
8. Puck - Because we listened to I Wanna Sex You Up last night at prac and I miss his hilarious dance interpretations
9. Blaine -GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. But great job.
10. Emma -Women's rights people!

Next Week's Episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avGfMc36ZTA

Hate to say it but this episode was great without that NewYork bull ish. No one wants to see Kate Hudson's post-baby abs. But Grease is the best musical of all time, so next week is gonna be DELISHIS. (TM Flavor of Love)