Hearts&Hearts&Hearts&Hearts& unnh Spaghetti Spaghetti

Look guys, I love Valentine’s Day. My dad is named Valentine. My grandfather was named Valentine. My Widdle bitty brudder is named Vawentime.  I’m with Sugar Motta- I would have to say that VDay is my FAVE DAY EVER (behind my birthday, Christmas and New Years Eve). It is the greatest, and Glee reminded us why.

Here are the 5 Greatest Things about Valentine’s Day, magical transposed into a Glee recap.

#5 The desperation of singles to find a Valentine at the last minute

No one likes being alone on Valentine’s Day (is that true? I hear people say it all the time) and Sugar Motta made it clear this Valentine’s Day there would be no sad and lonely single people allowed in her world. And apparently, Rory and Artie are both into dumb girls, (see Brittany S. Pierce obsessions) so IT WAS ON AND POPPIN to become Sugar’s Valentine. I mean who wouldn’t want her, she has the best pink outfits and she can pay your way to Nationals! (Hey Sugar, would you like to join the AU Dance Team? WE NEED MONEY!) She will also leave gifts under your seats like Oprah, or in a potted plant if you’re in a wheelchair. So Artie and Rory pulled out all the stops, candy hearts, stuffed animals, real animals and confetti. But the real decider of Sugar’s heart would be a sing-off between the two. If only Simon Cowell would have been there to judge, then maybe Artie’s clearly superior rendition of a ridiculously great song would win. (I used to be SO OBSESSED WITH MARIO 15 year old gettin his dough). But Rory knew that he was no match for Artie’s silky smooth vocals and wheelchair rockin’ so he played dirty and got the sympathy vote by lying and saying he was going to be deported. Poor, poor Artie. Sugar, you will rue the day you let him go. Next!

#4 Shimmying your love… all the way to the top

For people in long-term relationships- I imagine that V Day comes with a lot of pressure. You want to top last year’s box of chocolates, romantic date, or even last week’s desperate marriage proposal.  For Finchel, their decision to go public with their engagement was met with mixed feelings by the Glee club, but with odd support from their parents. Enter Rachel’s gay dads, who I hope are on every episode until the end of time. Although her dads (and Finn’s parents) seemed to take this engagement extremely well (Go have teen sex now!) it turns out that they actually think it’s a terrible idea, and are using reverse psychology so that Rachel doesn’t marry Finn….makes perfect sense, since Rachel is SUCH a rebellious teen. So after a lovely dinner theater party and a 5 second lover’s quarrel, Rachel and Finn decided that in order to make this marriage work, they must get married right away!!! Seriously, they are so dumb. Trickery and deception never work the way you want, do they Parents? Valentine’s Day!

#3 Love Songs

When’s Mr. Shue’s Singing Telegram idea was shut down by Sugar’s wad of cash, I was alarmed. But hallelujah for stealing ideas and the God Squad! This band of weirdos introduced us to Joe Hart, a home-schooled teen Jesus. (If you’re from Africa, then why are you white?) This kid was apparently on the Glee Project, which I never watched, but he already seems wayyyy better than Rory always freakin singing about his homeland!!! Seriously, that’s 3 songs now dedicated to his fahmalee that he misses so much.

So anyway, the G Squee sang Stereo Hearts to Rachel (which was super great) but Santana was ticked because Principal Figgins was supporting a double standard which allowed heterosexual PDA but not lesbian kisses between her and Brittany. Satana did her Satana-thing and gave dreadlock boy 10 bucks to stop hating on her lady love. Which of course led us to a Bible/is gay ok debate, and thankfully Joe and the Goon Squalla realized that LOVE IS LOVE, and everyone should be able to do whatever they want.

Except Mercedes and Sam, because they should just not.

Yes, I have been critical of the so-called “romance” between Sam and Mercedes. This is because I felt like there was no impetus for their hook-up, it was clearly just a move by the writers to please Amber Riley fans. It’s fake and forced and gross.  But little did I know, this seemingly useless and awkward storyline would bring us to the Whitney Tribute I have been patiently waiting for (since Saturday).

So, to Amber Riley: You have silenced your hater, that is me. And I would gladly (reeee!) sit through 100 more disgusting Samcedes kisses to hear your version of “I Will Always Love You” again and again. You outdid J Hud's Grammy performance, although you had the benefit of recording in a studio, but nevertheless I am floored at your flawless execution of that timeless Whitney classic.

Whitney is the greatest and I hope Glee does many of her songs in the future. That being said, I Will Always Love You is a breakup song right??? Please say this relationship is over! Pleaasse whyyyyyyyyy

#2 Secret Admirers!

I’ve secretly always wanted a secret admirer. Well it’s not really a secret because I tell people all the time. But this Vday, one Kurt Hummel, found himself in a sticky situation when it turned out that his secret admirer was not Cotton eyed Blaine, but instead big ole Karofsky! Saw that one coming from a mile away, but I still gasped when he took off the gorilla head. (WEYUD!!) Poor David, he clearly has issues if he thinks he can compete with Blaine. Sigh. Hearts. Also he is walking around in a Gorilla suit for days, so we need to take this kid to counseling, among other things. Of course Kurt, classy as ever, was sweet and compassionate, but I do believe he broke big ole bully’s heart! What a tragic way for a secret admirer saga to end!! Oh well, Sometime's it be's like that.

#1 Themed Parties

By far, the best part of Valentine’s Day is the culmination of all of the love, hearts, pink and red, balloons, cake, hook-ups, and love songs into one huge throwdown. I wish I was at the SugarShack party, and I’m sure everyone there wishes they had attended my themed party as well. How surprised was everyone that Mr. Shue didn’t show up? Maybe he and Emma were finally getting it on. Ew… And all I have to say is THANK CUPID THAT BLAINE IS BACK. The most perfect human being ever created. And his eye is healed! Phew. My Valentine’s Day is complete.

Overall Grade for the Episode. A

Favorite Performance of the Episode: I enjoyed Love Shack the most but appreciated I Will Always Love You the most. So it’s a tie- suck it! 

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Home performed by Rory. Can we stop trying to make fetch happen? It’s not going to happen!

Favorite Moment(s) of the Episode: When Kurt pulled the extra microphone out at the party and when Rachel chucked her hairbrush at the door. 

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:

When teen sex was brought up at dinner. That was too awkward for too many seconds.

Other Random Thoughts:

-Tony Danza dreams? What about Scott Baio??? You da one that I think about all dayayay

-Puck banging easy DZs hahahahah. "Just pick up the girls that fall off old Puckasaurus."

-Laugh out Loud moment: Seeing Shane cry.

-I love Rachel’s nighttime ritual, when she did her ice facial it reminded me of Season 1

-The cookie/cake Artie was eating looked delicious

-Finn jumping up in that heart at the party- yes.

-How do the New Directions only need $250 dollars?

-Brittany and Mercedes are always rocking the most ridiculous outfits but it's cool.

-Haven’t mentioned Beyonce in this entry, they should have sung Love on Top or Dangerously in Love, or Flaws and All or Crazy in Love or Love in this Club Part II.

Next week’s episode:

Regionals and Wedding? Cannot wait.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsi9p_TqvZc

Why Wasn't Glee Nominated for a Grammy? Nicole Simpson can't rap, I want justice!

What a great night of tweeting. I am going to grade the performances because I think my opinion is super important. DISCLAIMER: I am tired so I might not mean any of this that I am writing. Also, I will not be staying up for Nicki Minaj so I guess I'm not a professional blogger after all. 

Bruce Springsteen

This song could have come out in the 60’s or last week I have no idea. B-

Bruno Mars

Most dramatic singer of the year. GRENADE IS STUPID Don't know the song but nice moves. He is cute for a little person. I’m estimating he would measure up at my boobs. B

Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt-

Sunday Kind of love. Why must you hurt me like this. A

Chris Brown

AMAZING. Granted, he didn’t sing one note live, but he got the moves like jagger and that stage was da bomb.com. And no more BLONDE hair! I guess when he heard Rihanna went blonde he was like let me step back from the situation. Come back to us Breezy. A-

Jason Aldean-K Clarx. 

Can you imagine this duet featuring Jason Aldean and Justin Guarini? Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.  B-

 .

Foo Fighters- I’m sure that was great for someone out there. C

Rihanna & Chris Martin-  I will say nothing positive about her singing or dancing but that was a fun performance.  Chris martin is banging. Too good for GWYNETH. WE! HAVE! GWYNETH! B+

Beach Boys Tribute- A

Maroon 5 – Adam Levine can do no wrong in my eyes. Erica Steinberg feels me on that!

Foster the people…. Hard to enjoy this great performance that sounds so good when I know they’re just thinking about shooting up the audience or throwing a grenade that would be caught by Bruno Mars if it was going towards his lady. KINGSLEY

Beach Boys- one of most awesome performances I’ve seen ever. Let’s get Charlie Pace out there playing a Dharma computer next time.

Sir Paul McCartney and the Civil Wars

D for Don't Care

Taylor Swift. 

Sigh. She also can do no wrong. And banjo. And Mean. Song I can sing to people who were mean to me in high school “someday I’ll be living in a big ole city” yeah bitch. Haha ok back to the script she was great. GREAT FACIALS!!! Someday I’ll BE SINGING THIS AT THE GRAMMYS??? Booyah haters! A+

KP

I'm confused as to why she started off with ET. KP is the shit. She was def singing to Russell. You go girl. Rihanna, take notes. B+

Adele

I wish she would have sung this entire song while flipping her middle finger at the audience and America to say "let me heal, you heartless wack people who didn't understand my genius on my last album. and get over Rolling in the Deep. there are plenty of great songs on my new album." Wish she would have sung anything but Rolling in the Deep but I understand, I guess. She sounded great. A

Who is Glen Campbell? I liked it. B

Tony Bennett and Carrie Underwood. 

She is flawless but it made me sleepy. B

Whitney Tribute- Jennifer Hudson

She did well, but the song wasn't meant to be sung in her deep Jennifer Hudson voice like that. But reminds us that there is only one Whitney Houston. BOBBBBBAYYYYYYY. Gosh I love Whitney. A

David Guetta and Chris Brown, etc. 

David Guetta looks dirty. Love Breezy and I need download this song. Fun. I hope this is the last performance because I'm going to sleep. A

Overall show grade: Any Grammy show without Beyonce deserves an F, but since she just gave birth I will give it a C. 

Favorite Performance: Chris Brown

Least Favorite Performance: Foo Fighters both times. I need to expand my horizons eventually but for now I was so bored by their sweaty screaming. 

Random thoughts

Love the chipotle commercial

Stevie Wonder!!! Why didn’t you perform.

Alicia Keys looked great.

LL Cool J- Articulate, class act, but you didn't do much
I love Ryan Secreast

Carrie Underwood is beautiful, I wonder if her hair gets crusty and dry from all that hairspray

Fergie looks the exact same at every show and appearance. Great Pretenders.
J HUD LOOKS PHENOMENAL. 

This jank was way too long. 

Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL TIME.

I'm still mad Kanye wasn't nominated for Album of the Year.

Do Da Duende: Ricky’s Copa De Vida

Hola clase! I was going to attempt to write this recap in Spanish, but then realized I might come off a little “Shuester-ian” so I’m going to stick to the Spanglish I’ve mastered over mi lifetime.

After seeing the previews and all of the interviews leading up to this episode (I didn’t watch any spoilers for once!) I knew that this was going to be a purely fun episode, with no forward plot movement. And THANK GOODNESS I had expectativas bajas because I would have been extremely disappointed otherwise. But al contrario, I enjoyed the episode and can take it for what it was: a reason to get Ricky Martin to guest star.

The catalyst for this Spanish episode was Mr. Shue’s realization that he sucked as a Spanish teacher and needed to improve so that he could get tenure. I had no idea that high school teachers got tenure so I learned something new this episode. As a daughter of a Spanish teacher, (one who sings La Cucaracha, teaches the Mexican Hat Dance, and wears a sombrero) I thought this whole bit was hilarious. Of course Santana had a problem with Mr. Shue’s semi-racist and out of touch teaching method, which could have been a reasonable beef if Santana wasn’t known for being a bitch about everything. So to remedy the situation, it was “no more Mr. Nice Guy, hello Mr. White Teeth” and Shue brought in Senor David Martinez, a teeth model/night school Spanish teacher from the Chi, to help the kids learn Spanish. Btw one of the night class students was the dad from Smart Guy. YOUR BROTHER IS SMARRRRT

Also this: THEME SONG WEDNESDAY

I would just like to say it's great that Ryan Murphy and Glee producers aren't afraid to focus on gay leading men for two episodes in a row. Even if one was a pedophile.

Also in the fight for this mysterious high school tenure prize was Sue, who had bigger plans to unfreeze her Kroger eggs and become a mother. I’m fine with this- Sue you’re a beast so do what it do baby, but several issues: 1) Asking for high schooler’s sperm is weird and gross 2) Sue seemed really uneasy and tired in the this episode. And 3) all of the talk about her getting pregnant made me think of a dusty kaslopis. Gwoss. But happy to see appearances by NeNe and Figgins, and even Emma, who got tenure because of her awesome pamphlets! Pamphlets really are useful, but Ems, you are terrible at your job.

And if you thought Sue’s kaslopis was unsettling, that was nothing compared to the continuation of the boring and uncomfortable Sam/Mercedes romance. Was anyone else hoping that their week apart would help them realize that they didn’t really like each other???? Shane, be strong, we can do this- keep these two far away from each other.

One of the only meaningful segments of this week’s episode was Rachel’s engagement announcement to Kurt via Twilight pajama party. Thank God Kurt can see what they can’t see, which is that they are only using each other as security blankets. It’s cray how Rachel used to be so low on the totem pole but now Finn is clinging onto her.  Loved it when Kurt broke it down for Finn, and I hope that Finn can take his advice so that Rachel isn’t hanging with an apple who loves self-loathing. I HATE MYSELF Come on yall, it's a theme song Wednesday.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B

It was just aight, but I enjoyed it for what it was! Que sera, sera!

Favorite Performance of the Episode:

Do I have to pick one?? They were all pretty bad, but I guess I’ll go with Sexy and I know it because of the hilarious dancing by Sugar and Brit Brit. And because Ricky Martin is moyee caliente!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode:

Again, all of them, but the worst for me was La Isla Bonita perfomed by Ricky and Santana. So boring. I heard she is sleeping with one of the Glee writers, which explains why she was given this stupid solo that added absolutely nothing to the episode. (Allegedly)

Favorite Moment of the Episode:

Twilight Pajama Party, with Kurt commenting on their period cycles then exclaiming SHUT UP with a mouthful of food.

Also when NeNe told Sue her child was going to pop out as a full-grown adult with a briefcase talking on a cell phone.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:

The way too long conversation about athletes cleaning their junk.

Other random thoughts:

Where will you be in 2030? Twinsies!! Jail or dead or both. NO PUCK!

Sam sounded just like Enrique. MOLEEE MOLEEE MOOOOLE. 

I love Sugar Motta.

I love Ricky Martin.

Mr. Shue was about to give Sue that sperm, wasn't he? And who is Sue's donor?

Too many close-ups on those horn shoes.

Is Blaine going to return with a glass eye?????

Loved Becky getting into the hip-hop dance on the side.

Please don’t give up on Quinn now that she is boring!!! I need more Quinn!

Next Week’s Episode

Valentine’s Day tribute entitled, “Heart.” I’m already declaring it the best episode ever. Watch the preview. Love SHACK??? Come on, it’s gonna be spectacular.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeDqGomcas8&feature=related

Baby Cryin': WackArnolds, Jacko and Dirty DIANA! Agron

It's Bloggin Time! Sabre-Toothed Tiger!



Every week I look forward so much to each new Glee episode, so much that I can’t sleep at night and am full of giddyness and joy while watching on my laptop. This week my heart just wasn’t in it, probably because I agree with my fictional counterpart, Rachel Berry: I just don’t get Michael Jackson. WHAT? GASP! SLAP! Well, it’s not that I don’t get Michael Jackson-it’s that I don’t like him. (The HORROR!)


Because most of the universe is obsessed with MJ, I thought about keeping this unpopular opinion to myself, but then I said screw it- this is a blog for God’s sake. MJ’s songs are some of the best of all time, and he is Beyonce’s inspiration so I can’t deny him as an incredible performer. Still, when Mr. Shue scribbled WWMJD on the white board, I couldn’t help but think: “creep on little boys.” When the Penn State scandal happened, I was so sick to my stomach. To be a victim of such a horrible crime and to feel that you can’t speak out because of the celebrity of your abuser must be devastating. And umm Sandusky was only the ASSISTANT COACH FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM. It seems to me that if the KING OF POP was abusing you it would be even more difficult to 1) speak out 2) get others to believe you. 


MJ was acquitted of all charges. I’m sure the judge and jury had never seen Billie Jean or Beat it, either. Let’s remember that THERE WAS A VIDEO OF R. KELLY HAVING SEX WITH A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL AND HE WAS ALSO FOUND NOT GUILTY. Maybe I’m just cynical about this and a hater. Regardless, I think MJ was a sicko creep who preyed on little boys and got away with it because his fans are such apologists for his weirdness. His music is great, and I have no problem with Glee doing a tribute episode that features his brilliant songs, dance moves, and videos. But WWMJD? Not for me. Katt Williams, take it away: Katt on Michael Jackson


Was that too heavy, yall? Well the whole episode was too heavy!!! In an effort to squeeze in as many MJ songs as possible, we were left with some Debbie Downer overtones, beginning with the dangerous and deadly feud between two rival show choirs. DUN DUN DUN.  


When the smokin’ Sebastian stole New Direction’s Michael idea, (Damn, Blaine- you’re talking to Sebastian on the phone? In the morning? That’s deep.) all hell broke loose AND IT WAS ON. New Directions decided to “take it to the streets” to be like Michael. Okay... because Michael Jackson was such a tough guy. But anyways, apparently Sebastian was trying to kill Kurt via SLUSHEE WARFARE until Blaine aka the most perfect human being ever saved him and was forced to miss out on Michael Jackson week AND wear an eye-patch. And was forced to be serenaded by Kurt and Finchel while wearing said eye patch. Well ARTIE HAD HAD ENOUGH!!! I’m sure this wasn’t just an excuse to get Artie up and dancing to re-create one the most expensive videos ever with Mike Chang. (If I wanted to watch the Scream video I would just youtube it, Ryan Murphy.)


So then Satana decided to dance seductively around in a conference room in a “battle” with Sebastian (seriously, they looked like they were about to make-out at any second) to another MJ hit. But ultimately New Directions decided to take the high road- to which I say BRAVA!!! As Kurt found out when he received his letter to the next round of NYADA admission, THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL. So the New Directions and Warblers made up while singing about racial acceptance (huh) but Sebastian is still hating everyone and looking bitter. (Glee teaches us another life lesson.)


The beef wasn’t the only issue needing a resolution this week- Finn still needed an answer from Rachel. Sigh. Rachel, still uncertain about her future, decided that if she has Finn, it won’t hurt as bad if all of her other hopes and dreams crash and burn. Which is pretty much the reason why Finn wants to marry her as well, so at least they are on the same page. But this episode made it pretty clear that not even a revelation via MJ love song can completely sell Rachel on this idea. She needed advice from her new BFF, Quinn, who she knows will keep it one hunnid.


I’ve always loved Quinn, but I’ve never really related to her until this episode. First of all, congrats girl- you somehow got accepted into Yale in record time. And it turns out that Quinn got all of her crazy illogical thoughts out of her system, and now is giving some pretty profound and wise advice. Listen up young girls of the world: “I dated Puck, Finn and Sam and even loved some of them, but by the time the snow falls in New Haven next winter, I won’t know why. We hardly know what we’re going to want in 15 years.” PREACH. Our high school and even college glory days are hard to leave behind, but Quinn’s speech and performance shows that moving on and saying goodbye to all of the things that made her life so important before will just make her future even brighter. You have to keep moving forward or what’s the point of living?  Many young girls are too scared to leave behind what makes them feel comfortable, and it is hard but what’s ahead and personal discovery is so much more rewarding than any high school boyfriend or cheerleading uniform. I still want her to get with Puck, but she is such an independent woman now! She “was the only one standing in the way of [herself]”, and this statement makes Rachel seem all nervous and uneasy, and it’s making me really nervous and uneasy.


The happiness of this episode came from two unlikely sources. 1. Who would have thought that it would come from Mercedes and Sam’s fake and wack romance? I’m trying to be more accepting of this mis-match duo but I still said “ew” aloud when they kissed. But that Human Nature duet was SO BANGIN. Also 2. Kurt and Rachel both moved on to the next round for NYADA. Happy days are here again! But what about Finn? The plot thickens...


Overall Grade for this Episode: B.
I prefer episodes that don't feature forced musical numbers. “Ben,” “Black and White” “Smooth Criminal” and “Just Can’t Stop Loving You” just seemed like Glee really wanted to do those numbers so quickly made up a 30 second segue into them.


Yall are going to hate me but…
Favorite Performance of the episode: “Never Can Say Goodbye” performed by Quinn. I am a sucker for Jackson 5 and she looked bangin and I like her little voice. And we got to relive all of her romances.


Also really enjoyed: “Wanna Be Startin Something” by Blaine <3 and “Human Nature” by Sam and Mercedes.


Least favorite Performance(s) of the episode: Ben/Smooth Criminal. Both Boring and unnecessary.


Best Michael Vocals: They all sounded SO GOOD doing Michael!!!  Especially Blaine, Mercedes, Sam but of course Artie just killed every song he did so he is my winner.


Favorite Moments of the episode: 1. Quinn and Rachel’s girl talk and 2. When Kurt alluded to the eyepatch in the Black and White performance “when I saw you throwing dirt in my eye.” Love that kid.


Least Favorite Moment of the episode: Boring scene in Blaine’s room. Nina Mantilla “Why does he have a blanket on him like he is sickly with fever?” Good question. 


Other Random Thoughts:
-Quinn’s picture of Finn and Rachel in her locker with a magnet over Rachel’s face- great.
-Your parents can just come into your class and get you out? In our day there was a loud speaker or an office aide to come fetch someone with a notarized slip!
-Love any Kurt/Burt moments- he was so excited about telling the news to his son’s boyfriend- I was a mess.
-I was happy when I found out there was some rock salt in that slushee cuz blaine got PRETTY dramatic
-Mercedes’ LOVE necklace… my god will the Jennifer Hudson references never end?
-When did Finn turn into such a needy pansy?
-Rachel’s hair has gotten long- looks great.
-Tina Cohen Chang gets no love and Rory might as well have gone back to Ireland. Scotland? I’m cool with it.
-Wish they would have sung Rock with you, Remember the Time, The way you make me feel
-I still say the best MJ performance they ever did was PYT.


*****I JUST REALIZED THAT SUGAR MOTTA WAS NOT IN THIS EPISODE!!!!! WHAT. IS. GOING. ON. Someone please explain.*********


Next Week’s episode:
Viva Ricky Martin! Did I hear a Spanish version of Sexy and I know it? All-spanish recap? 


Also, donate to my team:
http://www.active.com/donate/auspirit

No No No Part Glee: The Gleeks Pump this new remix

I think Destiny's Child put it best when they sang the poignant phrase: "You be saying no no no no no when its really yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah." And this Glee episode was all YEAH BABY YEAH. (Austin Powers... in Goldmember starring Beyonce, & circle fits the square)

This week's return really encompassed all that makes Glee so glorious: its couples and their relationship breakthroughs. And this week we found many of our favorite characters staring longingly into their significant other's eyes and saying "boy I know you want me I can see it in your eyes, but you keep on frontin why don't you say what's on your mind?" There were big love decisions to be made and I  honestly don't know how they are going to make a Valentine's Day episode that tops the mushiness of this- although maybe they'll take a page from my book and do a Valentines Day Death Episode and wear all black and pump their fists to some powerful Beyonce jams. (Queen B reference #3 already?)

But I digress, the meat of this episode was in each couple's Yes/No moment...shall we begin?

Sam and Mercedes. They kicked us off with a much-hyped version of Summer Nights. Best part of this performance was 1. The setting and 2. The part when the camera zoomed in on Sam's face and then Mercedes' face faded in beside his and Sam looked like he jumped back in fear. Symbolism, people. So that song really clears up their summer fling for everyone, right? Not really, but apparently they went to the lake and got dirty down in the sand. Ew. But now Mercedes is all, "Sam, I have a boyfriend." And Sam is all "But Mercedes, we belong together, remember the carousel?" And then she was all "maybe I do love Sam." And I was all "vomit all over my laptop." YES??? NO???? It's going to be a no for me (Simon) but luckily you only need 2 yes's to get a golden ticket to hollywood so you still have a chance to win American Idol!

Becky and Artie. After Artie got shut down by Sugar Motta, (YESX20 to that pairing) Becky/Helen Mirren (genius) had her sights set on him and his driving gloves. I'm with you Becky- besides his skinny arms making your legs look big, he is the perfect man. So Becky was saying yeah yeah yeah but Artie was like nooooo. But they handled it like grown-ups, especially Becky who is a BOSS and Toy Story 3 is definitely one of the greatest movies of all time.

Finn and Mr. Shue. Guess what, young 17 year old? I am your 30-something year old teacher and would like for you to be my best man!!!    Really guys? Now I love my dance team girls as much as the next coach but if I ever ask any of you to be my maid of honor please slap me and send me out into the world to make friends. But this awkward friendship did lead us to other revelations like 1. Finn is thinking about enlisting in the military and 2. Finn's dad wasn't actually killed in The Iraq- he died of a drug overdose. Yowza- that one hurt. This causes Finn to be all depressed- but I think going into the military would actually be a good story for him. So I guess I'll give this couple a si si senor because Finn will be able to get wasted at Will and Emma's wedding, and who doesn't want to see that?

WHICH LEADS ME TO THE BEST PROPOSAL I HAVE EVER SEEN. No, it's not what you think- I'm talking about Will and Emma. After Emma reveals to her gal pals (Coach Beiste and Sue) that she has wedding bell blues, Will contemplates proposing. Come on Will, Emma stood by you through your other marriage, coming in last at regionals (small trophies are zeee worst) and your inappropriate performance of Toxic at the homecoming assembly. She's a keeper. After getting an earful from her evil ginger parents, Will decided that Emma was THE ONE and proceeded to walk in slow motion to a synchronized swimming proposal spectacular! Was anyone else silently sobbing through that slow motion hall way walk? Especially when Sue handed the last rose. I. WAS. DONE. YES YES YES to Emma and Will, even despite that ridiculous white top hat! Hurray for love! So this was the big moment of this week's episode right????

Not if Finn and Rachel have anything to do with it! So everyone knows I love me some Rachel and Finn. However, this episode made me feel like there will and should be an end to Finchel eventually. First of all, they are in high school. This ain't Saved by the Bell, Glee kids- y'all don't all have the same SAT scores and same ambitions and therefore will not be moving into a coed suite in the local university. And if you do, you are dumb because SOME of you (ahem Rachel, Kurt, Blaine and even Finn) are destined for bigger things. In addition, I tend to think that if you marry your high school boyfriend/girlfriend then you probably haven't changed or grown much since you were 16/17, and your marriage might turn out something like Will and Terri's. (minus the fake baby) So you better RUN RUN, Rachel (MC Hammer) because it seems like Finn only wants to marry you to make himself feel special again... but then again, isn't that always the key to  successful marriage? I'm going to go with HOW BOUT NOOOOOOO.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A+++ One of the best episodes they have ever done.

Favorite Performance of the episode: Tie. We Found Love and The First Time I Ever Saw your Face. We Found Love because it further proves my point that anyone can sing a Rihanna song and make it sound better. Why don't we just go ahead and give all of her songs and wardrobe to Santana and rid the music world of her low energy and off-key live performances. YOU WILL NEVER BE BEYONCE! The First Time performance had me in tears about 2 seconds in. I mean the flashback of Rachel and Finn in the hallway was an emotional backslap and then Santana's look of love and adoration at Brittany just simultaneously punched me around the nose, ear and throat.

Best Moment of the episode: (And best moment of my life) When Artie threw himself into the pool.

Least favorite moment of the episode: The weird cut-aways to Mr. Shue in Moves Like Jagger wearing only a wife-beater and doing slow motions spins. Why is he always spinning in slow motion?

Other random thoughts:

Emma has a nice voice! You go girl! 

Sue and Becky are great pair. She taught some great life lessons this week
It's always a sad day when Quinn and Blaine aren't featured in a glee episode
Artie floating around in the pool was fweakin hilair
Cooter and beiste's marriage seems good to go- sarcasm.
Coach NeNe: I was TRULY shocked at how great you did. And close ur legs to married men.

Synchronized Swim Team nicknames= Great Trouty Mouth mention. Well done Glee Writers.

Is Rachel not getting into NYADA??? Not another dream deferred! My heart can't take it

Brittany said something dumb and unfunny but I can't remember what it was

Next new episode in 2 weeks:
Mj tribute- You guys are in for a treat.

Do you hear what I hear? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? It's Glee

Before I delve into this week's Christmas episode, I'd like to offer all of my countless readers a chance to make a Christmas contribution to my dance team. (Remember that time you loved me enough to give me money?) In the spirit of Christmas and Glee- visit this link to donate. 

http://www.active.com/donate/auspirit

Every little bit helps! :-) :-) :-)

Fa la la la la! Glee Christmas episode.  If you are like me and have seen every Glee episode several times, you probably weren't expecting a lot of excitement in this episode. And with 10 musical numbers- you can't expect much or any forward plot movement. Instead, those adorable and talented glee kids taught us what the holidays- no not the holidays- what Christmas is all about. I will list what I learned now:

1. Christmas is all about forgiveness. Sue forgave the kids for making her bleed from the ears, the kids forgave Sue for ruining their lives for the past couples of years. Quinn forgave herself for ruining the first half of your senior year and Artie forgave Brittany for those malfunctioning legs she made him use last Christmas. Sam forgave everyone for uprooting him to compete in sectionals and moved back home- wait a second... And I forgive Glee for taking away Lauren Zizes and replacing her with a Scottish kid who only sings song about his homeland.

2. Christmas is all about rejecting gifts from your boyfriend.
Girls, you know when your boyfriend acts like he's not going to give you anything for Christmas or Valentine's Day and you go along with it and pretend to be sad and then when that special day finally arives....SURPRISE! He actually got you exactly what you wanted!!!!!! DO NOT accept his gift. Sell it for cash and give that shit to someone who really deserves it or you are probably a selfish, materialistic person like Kim Kardashian. That whore! Besides, the gift probably was less about you and more about him, for example a star he "bought for you" is probably just named after himself. On a less sarcastic note, that star part made me cry, because it made me flash forward to months from now when Rachel and Finn will inevitably have to part ways. Lord beer me strength!

3. Christmas is all about forgetting about your moral and religious convictions. You're a vegan? Well fun times for you because this Christmas you get to adopt and name an African pig that will be slaughtered in your name! Oh you're Jewish... Hanukkwhat? If all of your friends love Christmas- you should probably just go along with it and sing songs about Santa and Jesus Christ being born. And if you're GAY?  Fahged about et! Instead of using a television show to educate your fellow citizens about acceptance, just call your boyfriend your holiday roommate. (Loved that).

4. Christmas without your family sucks. I feel you on dat one, Rory. Can't wait to get home.

5. Christmas is great and all, but its all about being sad. You want cheer and happiness, well I want Frosty the Snowman! Children should hear the truth! That man melted and DIED, yall! PEOPLE DIE YOU KNOW! And you homeless people, guess what? There are people in Africa who are hungry too, and you should  "thank God it's them instead of you." All they have are the "bitter sting of tears of" and "the clanging chimes of doom" as opposed to all the great stuff you have. If you want to feel even better, the glee club is going to sing to you about how lucky/hungry you are whilst looking really happy, just so you know.

If it sounds like I'm criticizing this episode- it's because I am, in a loving way. I just love Christmas so much and would have liked to have my brain teased before a long month without a new glee episode. That being said, I liked this years episode slightly more than last year- the black and white special was hilarious. Kurt and Rachel really know how to overact and fake smile- NYADA woop! And how could I ask for more when I have Finn and Puck dressed as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo singing about Santa.

Overall, it wasn't my favorite episode, but I loved it as I love all Glee episodes. And I'm so ready for Christmas omg.

Favorite Performance of the episode: My Favorite Things performed by Rachel, Mercedes, Blaine and Kurt. Maybe I liked this so much because it was the only one I hadn't already listened to on the Glee Christmas Cd. Rachel sounded perfect! And I love that song.

Least favorite performance of the episode: Do they know it's Christmas performed by the New Directions. Again, singing to homeless people about people having it worse than you and asking them to "feed the world" seems a wee bit out of place.

Favorite moment of the episode: Mike Chang (No relation to Tina Cohen-Chang) pas de chat-ing across the room before the ribbon dance.

Least favorite moment of the episode: Rachel being mean to Finn. That ain't cool RB. She was probably just mad that no one was mentioning Hanukkah up in that place.

Other Random Thoughts
Ribbon dance- yes!

I agree- Christmas would definitely be cancelled if your wireless internet stopped working

Lol on Rachel's gifts to Blaine- Bow tie and capri pants

You bought a real turkey and prepared it with stuffing to be used as a prop? 

Santa probably won't make it this year because we are nearing the "end times." Greatttt

Wish I could watch Rory's Kentucky Christmas. I imagine a lot of awkward silence.

SPOILER ALERT FOR ANYONE UNDER 10: Does Brittany still think that Santa exists or did she figure it out?

Next New Glee episode all the way in 2012:

Will proposes to Emma!!!!! Flash forward to me sobbing while putting on my makeup on a Wednesday morning. 

 MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! IF I HAVE ANY SELF-RESPECT AND CLASS I WILL NOT BE BLOGGING OVER THE HOLIDAYS!!!! which means I probably will.

DONATE: http://www.active.com/donate/auspirit

If I Die Young, bury me with Sam Evans doing a body roll

The Sectionals episodes are always the highlights of the season for me. In season 1, Finn found out that not having sex with your gf directly results in you not impregnating her, and Rachel laid down the most magical performance known to man with "Don't Rain on my Parade." Last season's Sectionals episode brought a Rachel and Finn break-up and the New Directions emergence of Satana with "Valerie."

So you can imagine my disappoint when this years sectionals episode was wiggedy wiggedy wiggedy wack. (For the most part.)

Glee does this thing when they really need stuff to happen right away so they talk really fast and come to insanely quick conclusions to make it happen. Enter Sam Evans.

Don't get me wrong- I love trouty mouth and glad that he is back. The fact that he is a stripper in Kentucky doesn't even bother me. It's the fact that he came back to McKinley so suddenly just because they needed "star power" at Sectionals. (Really? For star power you think of Trouty Mouth?) If I were Sam, I would be none too pleased that they suddenly want to be my friend again so I can come sleep on their couches and help them win.  And the Sam and Mersizzle thing... Do I even have to comment? I don't believe it, maybe I need to see a flashback of their hot summer fling (ew) to fully understand. But Sam's back! And he's gone country- singing about solo cups. (I feel you, Kurt. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?)

Btw, Mike Chang's dad is now accepting of Mike Chang, Jr becoming a dancer, after Tina told him to be honorable. Snore.

And Blaine and Finn made up in the first 10 minutes. That feud really had us on the edge of our seats!!! Love that Blaine was in fight club. And that he is perfect in every way.

So the actual sectionals performances were the meat of the episode I guess. The Unitards were good, surprised they were so happy about getting third.

Troubletones. Sigh. You had so much potential. For some reason you decided to choreograph a bunch of arm flapping while singing two of the most stereotypical "girl power" songs ever. Yawn. You could have had it all rolling in the deep.

Speaking of Troubletones, looks like we have seen the last of  Ms. Robinson Corcoran. After Quinn threatened to snitch on her and Puck, Shelby seemed to have accepted the fact that she fucked up and shouldn't be teaching anymore. But does she love Puck? She seemed kind of sad. Also, here's a message to all you kids out there: It sucks to be old. Stick that in your pipe and don't smoke it because it will make you look older and then your life will suck even more!

And this brings us to the Quinn "rich white girl problems" Fabray portion of our program. As much as she has annoyed me this season, I like what they have done with her. And I would also argue that being a pregnant teen and giving your baby up for adoption is slightly more problematic than normal white people problems like "my closet to too full to fit all my clothes and I'm going to be late for class." Quinn is so unhappy with how her life has turned out so far, and desperate for something to make her feel better (being a skank, stealing beth, Puck, Sam). Not sure if it was Sam, Shelby, or Rachel's pep talk that finally got through to her, but it was pretty clear by the end of the episode that she is back!!!!!! I'm so happy- and I hope that she doesn't fade to the background of New Directions now that she isn't as controversial. And is she smart enough to get into Yale?? Has she been keeping up with her homework throughout all her baby napping schemes? We shall see.

So she decides to not snitch and New Directions performs. Ok.  First issue with this performance is that it was about 10X longer than the others, and a lot of those songs could have been cut shorter. I liked ABC okay,  Kurt stole the show of course, but it was not that exciting. And then Control- which was set off by Quinn looking like her psycho self -was okay, but again it was waayyyy to long and they should have just stuck to one verse and one chorus. How can I complain about Man in the Mirror? I can't. Everyone sounded good, Puck's little MJ dance made me laugh out loud, and did everyone like the invisible gospel choir that chimed in at the end? And then New Directions won, which of course I was thrilled about because the TroubleTones can KICK HUGE ROCKS and ND were def better than them, even if their performance must have broken some kind of rules about length of routine.

I give the first 40 minutes of the episode at C, but the last 10 minutes an A+. They gave me the warm and fuzzy glee moments that keep me coming back every time and I was in tears as I was putting on my makeup for the day (not the most opportune time to be crying.) First of all, Mr. Shue and Emma are weird, but when he pointed to her, IN SLOW MOTION I MIGHT ADD, and blew a kiss to her in the audience, I was done. Glee Club has brought them so much happiness! And I absolutely love the Quinn and Rachel friendship (even though Quinn is cowering over her now... seriously did she grow a foot when she started smoking cigarettes?). 

Best part of the episode was the girl talk in the bathroom, when Quinn sums up the lesson of the episode, which was that you need to enjoy the time you have and not worry about the little petty things (details in the fabric, white people problems, etc.) Which I feel like ALLLL of the people reading this blog (including myself) should pay attention to. Life is short people! And we will all be old one day, so we need to chill out a little.

And so the only 4 people who had names in the TroubleTones (I guess all of the cheerios just said forget it) swallowed their pride and returned to the New Directions (wait, does Sugar Motta get to join now? I thought she was rejected?), which culminated in a performance that was worthy of a sectionals episode. (FINALLY!!!)

Favorite Performance of the episode: 
We are Young performed by the new again New Directions. Pure perfection, was sweet and sounded good, made me so happy inside and will probably be watching this again 47 times before the day is over. And Rachel is back! And so is Sam! And Santana! And Mercedes! AND OH MR. SHUE CAME TO PLAY!

Least Favorite Performance of the episode: 
I Will Survive/Survivor. Hate to say it ladies, but you really screwed the pooch on this one. And that's saying a lot seeing as one of tonight's performances was entitled "Red Solo Cup." Safe song choice, SLOPPY FREAKSHOW BABY dancing. Dumb Dumb Stupid.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: When Shelby and Quinn ice-grilled each other in the hallway.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Sam's scene with his parents... Yall made a big fuss out of casting his parents for 30 seconds of boring conversation? Lame.

Other Random Thoughts:
-Sebastian is not only flawless-looking, he is kinda mean. If he were straight he would be perfect for Quinn.
-No insult is better than "You smell like Craigs List"
-Mr. Shue running into the last performance and doing his Mr. Shue laugh was unintentionally hilarious
-As Nina said "Noone understands that Sugar Motta is the best character"
-I need to find a boyfriend who will fill out my college applications and tell my parents to let me do things
-I can't wait until Shane sits on Sam and crushes him like Uncle Phil crushed that bunny
-Why is Quinn wearing a tight white graduation dress in December? In ohio?



Next Week's Episode:
Couldn't tell much from the episode, but it looks funny. I hope there is some Christmas romance!