Brusha Brusha: You know it aint no Glee we be getting lots of Reeeeee

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IT'S SHOWTIME! Or should I say ho-time? (I'm looking at you Cassie)

This week was all about McKinley High's amateur yet strangely professional and flawless production of the greatest musical of all time: Grease, a musical all about fixing cars... really? I thought it was a love story? either way either way let's take a blood oath with ma brothaz and get the bottles poppin for another solid Glee Season 4 Episode!

As in typical Glee fashion, no performance can go on without first overcoming some haters and obstacles, and this play was no different.

Obstacle #1 Mr. Shue is leaving. My reaction was the same as Unique's (what's the fuss about?) but everyone seemed distressed because Finn is the new coach and is not qualified to do anything but give inspirational talks to Rachel.

Obstacle #2 Sue is back like she left something. So NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE, why Finn was so strangely offensive last week by calling Sue's baby retarded! They needed some conflict so that Sue hates Glee again and so that the boys have a reason to perform in an auto shop.

Obstacle #3 Unique was pulled out of the play. Although Unique's parents are fine with Unique being a unique girl on a unique stage in Chicago and in the confines of Unique's own home, they do not want to risk Unique's safety by allowing Unique to perform in drag in OHIO OF ALL PLACES. QUICK...WE NEED A NEW RIZZO!

:::Flashback to my blog from last week:::

"she [Unique] WAS NOT BORN TO PLAY RIZZO THAT ROLE BELONGS TO SANTANA FREAKING LOPEZ SO EVERYONE SHUT UP."

Ok either I am part-psychic or Ryan Murphy has been reading my blog and then changing his scripts. Either possibility works for me. So Santana returns (they conveniently left off her reasoning for being back in town just in time for us to not care) to play Rizzo and Unique is left looking dramatic in the audience.

Obstacle #4 Marley may or may not be in the early stages of an eating disorder. (Maggie/Brittany totally called this!) Kitty Kat, that sly dog, is still on the warpath and in her infinite wisdom tricked skinny ass Marley into thinking she was gaining weight and on the way to swan diving into her fat genetic pool. Feeling paranoid about her destiny, Marley went to her mom for advice. And instead of hearing the normal " girl you're amazing just the way you are", or the " that's what makes you beautiful" or the "baby you were born this way" pep talk, Marley's mom encouraged her to fight to be thin and beautiful? Huh? Shouldn't there have been something in there about as long as you are healthy that is all that is important? This is why bitches are messed up in the head. THIN IS ALWAYS IN and it's so exhausting.  Happy Hunger Games! But I digress.

At her girls only + Unique sleepover, Kitty urged Marley to give Bulemia a whirl, come on everyone is doing it! Even for Kitty that was messed up- but Marley isn't smart enough to step on a scale and realize that she actually hasn't gained a pound so she started on her downward spiral. Just when Marley reached her lowest point and decided to take a trip to the Wiz Palace, none other than BLAKE/RYDER stepped in to provide an inspirational story about laxatives and publicly shitting yourself. Sigh. Blake is so dreamy.

So Marley changed into an EVEN TIGHTER outfit which made Blake go all bow chicka wow wow. Which teaches us all the valuable lesson that it doesn't matter if you are fat or skinny as long as you are a slut.

But seriously, where was Glee's lesson on body acceptance? Maybe that''ll come later and this was just a warm-up. Also Blake and Marley kissed! I am so into it!

Now let's all go to Gullah Gullah island aka NYADA

Back in dance class, Kate Hudson was vewy sneakay and up to no good. She hired Brody as her TA, and then got Rachel to leave town after being metaphorically bitched slapped when Rachel suggested that she try to get back in the game. Rachel, Cassandra is a baddd bitch and she is THE GAME. THE GAME IS THE GAME AND MY NAME IS MY NAME. And Cassie and Brody got it on and of course Cassandra rubbed it in Rachel's face like a true boss.

Poor Rachel. We all know that feeling when you are in an emotionally fragile state trying to get over one boy by liking another one and then the new boy turns out to be an asshole too and it feels like you have been stabbed in the pelvis by 500 tiny little knives. That is what we witnessed in this episode. Kudos to Glee for a 15th straight brilliant Finchel scene, as Finn witnessed Rachel's 1 kind of crying and realize it wasn't for him. But it kind of was right? That's why she ran out of the auditorium... but regardless it's over for real now. And they will not be in contact at all...not even in song. And scene.

Overall Grade for the Episode A

Here is why I loved this episode: Great music. Plot fit into the songs and songs added to the plot. A couple genius moments and Rachel looks less crazy. Also I thought that Rachel and Kurt's return was extremely realistic and it takes a lot for Glee to be realistic.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: There were many, but this line from Sue took the cake: "This just one of your ill conceived bizarrely sentimental schemes that displays absolutely no forethought and appears immediately ridiculous to everyone in America except you."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode Tina throwing a tantrum about Finn becoming the director. Bitch back up.

Favorite Performance(s) of the Episode:

They were all so good but my favorite was You're the One that I Want and here's why:

Marley and Ryder started it off with a bang. Sounded so good, great dancing and acting. So fun and awesome! Would have already been my favorite without the genius twist. When they freaking turned that shit into a flashback..... I will try to describe my feelings now. I was so happy to see the old gang up there performing and especially knowing that this was just in their imaginations so it wasn't corny or anything. BUT THEN THE FLASHBACK TO RACHEL AND FINN IN SEASON 1 AND RACHEL DRESSED LIKE SHE WAS WHEN SHE TRIED TO SEDUCE FINN... and singing the words "You're the one that I want." My heart lowered all the way to the floor but my brain was still up and singing along to the music. I was verklempt to say the least. And this is easily my favorite performance of the season so far.

Other Great Performances:

Beauty School Dropout -Not to be repetitive but Blaine is the most perfect human being ever created and then you throw in Sugar Motta and you have just spun pure gold rumplestilskin!

Greased Lightning Sam Evans is the show and he sounded so perfect. Mike Chang FULL OUT PEACE OUT.

Sandra Dee (Marley)- so perfect and wonderful! Get it girl!

There are Worst Things I Could Do- Never thought I would be happy to see Kate Hudson sing. All 3 (Santana, Unique and Cassie) sounded so good and the words worked with the plot, although I'm confused who pissed in Santana's cheerios.

Look at me I'm Sandra Dee (Kitty) About jumped out of my seat when they transitioned into this and put on Marley's wack hat. Could have done without the handstand booty pop (slut ass Brittany) but the whole thing was so cute.

Glist

1. Sam- I just cannot deny Trouty Mouth's effortless star power

2. Blake/Ryder- I feel like he has been on the show for 4 seasons

3. Marley- coming into her own! I am actually rooting for her now. Miracles happen once in a while when you believe

4. Blaine

5. Rachel- I feel for you. Great job acting and going in the right direction away from crazytown

6. Sugar Motta

7. Finn

8. Kitty

9. Brody- he got game.

10. Jake

Other thoughts

-Can someone explain what is wrong with Santana?  I feel out of the loop

-Tina has turned into the Toby Flenderson/ Jerry of Glee and I love it! She gets shat on again and again!!!
-Brody's back muscles are like whoa

-"Where is Harajuku girl?"

-Mercedes calling the highschoolers kids was laughable. Bitch you just graduated 5 minutes ago

-Tina and Mike, we stopped caring about you the minute we found out you broke up

-They need to stop re-using old jokes ie Sue throwing stuff outside of Figgins office

Next Week's Glee Episode

RETURN OF THE WARBLERS AND I'M SO READY. Superheros? I'll bite... let's go for 4 great ones in a row! PUCKERMAN 
Watch the promo here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hesTc20Gy9A

Barack is President! Eye of the Tiger! :::throws basketball backwards:::

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This recap has nothing to do with the election, just trying to attract readers. Man we out here tryna function!

Since Glee's last episode 6 and a half months ago, we have had a lot to process. Mainly that Rachel Berry has become a shell of her former self and her hair is full of secrets, but luckily we were not forced to revisit that tragedy this week. Instead, we were back at McKinley HALLELUJAH HOLLA BACK for a fun-filled episode (minus the retarded baby comment) centered on casting the school musical! Of course this begs the question:

WHAT ROLE ARE YOU BORN TO PLAY? A Behavioral Study on the Tendencies of Glee Characters to Relive the Storylines of Previous Fictional Characters.

I sit when I pee annnnnd let's begin!

Finn Hudson was born to play the role of DRUMROLL PLEASE provided by Finn Hudson himself... MR. SHUE! 

Yes, Finn was born to play the role of M. Shue. I mean I don't know how I didn't see it coming, the similarities are uncanny. They both love Rachel Berry and 80's rock. They both like the Glee Club omg. And just like Shue, Finn was losing his way, down and out with no direction, but found a NEW DIRECTION by becoming a DIRECTOR and of course the music brought him back! Don't stop believing Finn! You are meant to MOVE people! Is the pity party over for him now that he is the new Glee Club coach? I wonder if Mr. Shue will ever come back, or if they will have a wrestling match over who gets to be the Glee Club coach! But before we get ahead of ourselves, Finn has to cast the musical in the only way he knows how... by finding a hot football player singing classic rock in the locker room shower.

Just kidding, thank God Glee didn't re-use that one for the third time. Instead, we got the introduction of a lifetime as Blake Jenner (no relation to Bruce to Brody) aka Ryder caught Finn's eye with his sweet touchdown dance moves. GONNA SHOUT IT FROM THE MOUNTAINTOPS. A STAR IS BORN.

Which brings us to "Ryder" who was born to play the role of... Finn Hudson.

Ryder, like Finn, is struggling with the classic WPP of not being able to break his C- minus average, and needs singing and dancing to help him get the hang of his high school career. Makes sense so far. Finn encourages Ryder to try out for the school musical, but Ryder doesn't sing. Cut to one of the most classic Glee lines in the history of the show:

Ryder: I don't sing

Finn: Prove it.

Hahahahahhaha. Classic Glee. To which Ryder should have replied: "Okay... I'll just sit here and not sing and that'll show you I'm not lying." This episode is killing it in all the right ways. 

So Finn and Blake/Ryder took to the auditorium stage, after a conveniently placed Jukebox stocked with only 80's Classic Rock tunes play a suspiciously relevant "Jukebox Hero" song. Can I just say that Finn's advice of "Just sing, it'll work trust me. Like a good poop" does not translate to real life. I have been trying to be a good singer since the days of All Saints " Never Ever" (tried to form several girl groups at a young age) and it never "worked." So no Finn, I don't trust you. And but luckily it worked for Ryder and now the competition is ON and poppin for Danny Zuko!

Side note:
I love me some Blake. Can everyone just take a second and imagine what this episode would be like if Charlie had won the Glee Project Season 2?? hahahahah I am dying laughing over the thought of that, and Charlie knocking over that blind guy's cane.

Let's get into the real shit- GREASE CASTING!

Mercedes and Mike Chang are back (so random, do you guys have jobs) to help cast the play with Finn and Artie... and here is what we are working with people:

Blaine who was CLEARLY born to play the role of Danny Zuko (and Tony from West Side Story) is an emotional wreck! Good lord. Hey nerd, get off the football field while we are trying to practice in slow motion and go be the Danny Zuko of our dreams!  But hecky ya to Teen Angel that is gonna be straight fiyyaaaaa!

Unique found herself in a unique situation (play on words) as she is a man trying to play the greatest girl role ever: RIZZO and some peeps may not like the look of that. Her audition was wack. Every unique performance involves her model walking and she WAS NOT BORN TO PLAY RIZZO THAT ROLE BELONGS TO SANTANA FREAKING LOPEZ SO EVERYONE SHUT UP. But she got the part so we shall see if she can actually act but oh wait, we already know that she can't.

The real competition started with the lead roles, Danny and Sandy.

KITTY SINGS! Yes! Jake and Kitty Kat auditioned together to Everybody Talks which was just the most precious Dancing with the Stars number ever! Ten from Len! Marley and Ryder were also in the running, and they all performed the most genius Handjive performance for call backs (more on that later). Kitty is so much better than Marley, but too much of a bad ass to be Sandy. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN RIZZO WAKE UP PEOPLE! And Jake should clearly be Danny, but I can't root against Ryder so sometimes it be's like that.

In other news:

Coach Beiste is in the hizzy! Will and Emma are boring and Sue hates trannys! Sashay!

Overall Grade for the Episode: A

Such a great comeback! Glee Season 4 actually made me care about the new characters today, and I actually kind of like Marley now! Anything Grease- related is always fantastic. You Go Glen Coco!

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Clearly Handjive!!!!!! Performed by Mercedes, Mike Chang, Marley, Jake, Ryder and Kitty Kat. Ok the premise started out believable for once, judging couples chemistry and 50's dancing... but then BAM they hit us with some original Grease choreo AND the relevant tension between Kitty, Jake and Marley. And was that a double kartwheel? I could smell the desperation! What an epic number. BRAVA Glee!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Blow Me One Last Kiss performed by Marley and Unique. Anytime they perform together I will always be reminded on Womanizer which was the worst ever. I see Marley trying to step her performance up but she is still boring and the harmonizing was wack.

Favorite Moment of the Episode:

Brought to you by the incomparable Trouty Mouth: "I got hit by a car door once and I'm really looking forward to reliving the reality of that moment."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:

Retarded baby dammmmmmn shit just got real and awkward and real awkward.

Other Thoughts:

If Marley as Sandy doesn't speak in an Australian accent or whatever I quit life!

Please don't make a "Mr Shue goes to DC" segment of each show
Tina got 2 lines.

Brittany go NOOOO lines haha what is happening.

Congratulations Barry Obama.

I look like Erykah Badu

Glist
1. Jake- EVERYBODY TALKS FEATURED SOME JAKE DANCING AND I DON'T HATE IT AT ALL. This dude is for real.
2. Ryder- I wonder if Michael is sitting at home poking his Blake voodoo doll.
3. Sugar motta- as Frenchie? Too good. Beauty School Dropout no graduation day for u. and none for Gretchen Weiners.
4. Mike Chang- looking better than ever without that sack of lard attached to his arm.
5. Sam
6. Kitty Kat - Singing and dancing and hurling insults just the way I like her.
7. Artie
8. Puck - Because we listened to I Wanna Sex You Up last night at prac and I miss his hilarious dance interpretations
9. Blaine -GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. But great job.
10. Emma -Women's rights people!

Next Week's Episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avGfMc36ZTA

Hate to say it but this episode was great without that NewYork bull ish. No one wants to see Kate Hudson's post-baby abs. But Grease is the best musical of all time, so next week is gonna be DELISHIS. (TM Flavor of Love)

I'll never let go, Jack. Unless my hand gets cold & then I'm out

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These are the breaks... break it up break it up break it up BREAK DOWN!

Finally, after years of glorifying long-term teenage romances, Glee has come to their senses and finally made an episode that exposes the harsh reality of what happens after the snow falls in New Haven: Face it- post-honeymoon phase, most relationships SUCK and everyone should just BREAK UP!

Haha, no I'm just kidding, I'm sure some relationships are great (yeah right). But as someone who is SAF (or "single as a dollar bill" as my friend Pattle called me yesterday) all I have to say is: Leggo, Single girl swag, Imma do me, it's called a breakup not a breakdown, If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it, All my single ladies, and to the left to the left!

I will now give a single person's verdict of these break-up scenarios, because clearly I am the most qualified to analyze others' relationships. Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys.

If he doesn't call you for 4 months, he's just not that into you: A Finchel Story

Dun Dun Dun awk awk city bitch. Ah, it seems like only yesterday when Rachel and Finn were sharing their first awkward kiss in the auditorium... fast forward a few years, and it turns out the F in Finn stands for FAILURE, as that is what Finny Bear has become after pulling a Plaxico, being discharged from the army and "back-packing across Georgia." WTF does that even entail? Are you staying at Holiday Inns, eating at country diners and hanging with NeNe and Kim? Rough life, son. F also stands for FAVE SHIRT as Finn loves his baby blue Rugby shirt. Apparently during those 4 months by himself, he ran into a wise Samaurai who taught him the art of "popping up", or just showing up at your girlfriends apartment like nothing's wrong, and he did just that. ("You gotta POP UP. Don't come in there like 'what the hell is this?!' You have to walk in like nothing happened like 'Hey, what's up just stopping by to say Hi! and pop UP!" - Lauren Boswell). And his pop-up totally worked! Rachel seemed so happy to turn her life back into the Finnberry Show; she even let him sit in on her pointless dance rehearsals. (Kate Hudson must have been out this week because she never would have allowed that!) But Finn's insecurities once again got the best of him, and Finchel was forced to face the real issues going on in their "relationship":

Issue 1: Rachel made out with Brody

Issue 2: Finn needs Rachel to make him feel "special", and he is bringing nothing to the table right now, he can't even sing it out!

Issue 3: Finn is jealous of Rachel's success

Issue 4: Rachel cannot be taken seriously with that hair

Issue 5: Finn is a little bitch

Hey Finn, why you mad?  You set Rachel free! You uttered one of the corniest words in the English dictionary and made her "surrender," so shut thee fuck up! If she makes out with someone else, it's because YOU BROKE UP WITH HER, and it's because she wants to... and she's just not that into you anymore! And clearly you are not that into her either, if you didn't call her for FOUR FREAKING MONTHS. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that you broke up with her in the first place, but don't just change your mind because you aren't doing so well! That's the equivalent of packing your bags and leaving your husband and then it's starts raining so you're like "honey can I move out tomorrow morning instead?" No.

Verdict: Both parties are guilty. Finn is guilty of being indecisive and weak, Rachel is guilty of having ridiculous hair. Break-up forreals and let's revisit this again at Christmas ok?

Klaine's Pain: Neglect, Betrayal and Poking aka Why Don't You Love Me? When I Make Myself So Easy to Love?

Remember when Kurt used to wear his hair in a swoop and just wanted to kiss a boy for the first time? Now he can barely make time for a two-minute conversation with the most perfect human being on Earth, and BOOM another favorite couple in on the rocks! Blaine is feeling low, because Kurt has no time for him, so he also decides to POP UP POP UP in New York. Kurt is happy to see him, but notices that Blaine seems a little down in the dumps, dramatic and criminally INSANE whilst singing Teenage Dream, Karoke version. It turns out, Blaine is sad because he feels guilty for CHEATING ON KURT! GASP! Louder!!! what up sexy? nm here jc. love, internet Eli. So we are all supposed to be mad at Blaine right? WRONG. Cheating is wrong yadda yadda yadda, but I fully blame Kurt and I don't care I don't care I don't care. Blaine was self-sabotaging, probably so he could get a chance to see if Kurt even cared about him anymore! Breaking my heart/give my heart a break! :-( I love Blaine, and Kurt needs to wake up, smell the hair gel, and realize his role in this whole thing. If you are going to promise to make this long-distance relationship work, you need to hold up your end!

Verdict: Both are guilty. Klaine is guilty only because poking is ew and he needs to have some more self-esteem. Kurt is sentenced to life in prison for not appreciating the wondrous and powerful Blaine Warbler. So Kurt, forgive Blaine and get your act together!

Brittana, You're a great cheerleader it's just.. maybe you're not "Boyfriend Material"

Wow, this was thrown up in there like we cared wasn't it? Unlike the other idiot couples, Satana and Brit are actually trying to make it work long-distance. Satana comes home every weekend to hang with her GF and go to freaky apocalypse meetings with her. (Santana, you are missing out on some great parties... but okay.) But still, Brittany is not feeling satisfied. Why you mad Brittany? Why are you crying Heathaaaa? Santana is just trying to get her education and flirty smile on! So after a bunch of blah blah blah and one well-sung but irrelevant "break-up song" from Santana, they decided to break it off. As Becky Jackson would say... BORRRRING. Can't you get into a girlfight or something?

Verdict: They are both not guilty. Just shut up and dance, Brittany- the dance floor is your new lover and you need to make up for lost time.

Wemma, Shuddddup and get married already. I need another Glee Wedding in my life. I speak for everyone when I say NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS.

Letters of concern to Jake and Marley:

Dear Marley, you are too boring to stand. Please step up your game to make me care about you more so that every scene of Grease doesn't make me wish that Tina Cohen Chang was cast as Sandy. Better yet, just call up Olivia Newton John, she still got it! Let's get ethical!

Dear Jake, don't date Marley- she is boring.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B++

Best episode ever made? Did I watch the wrong episode by mistake or something? Another attempt by Ryan Murphy to try to make fetch happen. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but don't throw around "Best Episode Ever" like it's nothing. I can name 15 episodes off the top of my head better than this one, just tweet me if you would like to hear them in order. The songs were ill-placed, I would have put Teenage Dream as the closing number with Blaine by himself, reminiscing on his relationship, instead it was just awkward and embarrasing for him. And Give your heart a break should have been a story song with Brody telling her to giver her heart a break! The words so clearly applied to the plot of the episode!

Favorite Performance of the Episode: They were all let-downs after I spoiled the song list for myself (I blame the Bookie girl). But I'll pick "Give your Heart a Break" performed by Brody and Rachel. Damn you Demi Lovato you created a monster and this song will never not sound good!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: They were all disappointing but they were also all slightly good. I'll say Don't Speak performed by Finchel and Klaine because it was overly dramatic and boring.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: When Kurt fan kicked off the fountain and sprinted away during the "Dont Speak" performance"

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Finn back at McKinley... just say no to drugs dude.

Glist

1. Brody- for keeping it classy dude.

2. Kitty - You would have been number one had you not blasphemed Barack Hussein Obama, I say his middle name because it matters

3. Dottie, where have you been? Cuz I never see you out. We've been left behiiiiiiiiiiiiind!

4. Blaine- stop being weak gleeotch

5. Santana - she's still got it!

6. Sugar Motta Lives

7. Sam - trouty mouth is the show now

8. Jake - still hot

9. Emma (good for you I guess)

10. Sandy Ryerson (thanks Maggie for bringing up his name, now I can't get him out of my head)

Rachel Berry- you're OUT! YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US until you get a hair cut.

Other thoughts:

Why is Rachel wearing full makeup and flashes to bed?

"Dude u totally spooked me" - Finn

Another Sugar Motta- less episode... not cool

What the heck is up with travel costs for these fools? They just go from Lima to New York to Lima like it's nothing

Has Coach Beiste been in this season?

When is Kitty gonna join the club??? I wonder what her voice sounds like? 

Is Carrie Bradshaw done with her guest role or what?

Next New Episode:

SAAAAAANDY oh SAAAAANDY. If they screw up Grease then I have no hope. Although I saw Brody running in slow motion again so it can't be but so bad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjwCE1Cms4c

I Put a Bird in My Hair: Extreme Home F***over, Glee Edition

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Ladies and gentlemen, what you have just witnessed is what we in the blogging biz like to refer to as a "transition episode." No... just made that up, but it was a transition episode nonetheless- a filler to help us get over our hangover from last week's trainwreck of an episode about trainwrecks, and onto next week's "best episode ever done" (Murphy R., Twitter, 2012). So with all of our expectations lowered, let's embrace debate shall we? Who doesn't love a good makeover episode!?!?! And you get a makeover! And you get a makeover! All of my good days outweigh my bad days so I won't complain.

Where to begin? Fun and hilarious McKinley High or dark and adult New York?

Will and Grace are still adjusting to life in the city that never stops delivering pizza. Kurt seems to be killing it- and although he would never get that internship in real life, he has a wicked awesome boss/new BFF named Carrie Bradshaw, who has given up her life as a writer to work at Vogue.com. The bad news is, Kurt's new life as an intern who wears animal tails clipped to his belt loop is leaving his long-distance Blaine feeling sad and blue. But no time for relationships! We must makeover Rachel, because her clothes are holding her back apparently. Let's summarize:

Mean Girls: Omg Rachel, your leotard is like totally wack.

Rachel: Why is everyone always picking on me?I just want to fit in! (be a slut)

Devil on Rachel's Shoulder aka Kurt: Gurrrrrlll bye you better drop it like it's hot twerk stop and show some shoulder!

Carrie Bradshaw: Women come to New York for the two L's: Labels and Love

Rachel: Freakum freakum

Brody: Bow chicka wow wow

Charlotte York: I curse the day you were born!

Woops got a little off track.. but that basically touches all the main points.

Here is my issue with this makeover scenario. Number one, Rachel Berry is now just Lea Michele... you can't just play yourself on T.V! Unless you're Ray Romano or sumn. Also, just like Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus and Shia Labeauf, Rachel Berry is abandoning her adorable, spunky awesomeness in exchange for a "cooler" persona. If the Disney stars I just mentioned have taught us anything, it's that becoming obsessed with your looks and hip personality turn you into psychotic, frowning in red-carpet photos, pixie haired, Kardashian robot, anorexic weirdo! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I really hope that Rachel can find a happy medium between her schoolgirl awesomeness and this whisper talk/giggly fake hair slut. Be more like Taylor Swift, Rachel! And then you can tell Finn that you are never ever ever ever EVER EVER getting back together LIKE EVER. and that would make so much more sense... everyone knows that that Selena Gomez and Kim Kardash are needy and co-dependent so it just doesn't work with the storyline. Bottom line be yourself, be yourself, be yourself in every way.

Oh and she kissed Brody (get it girl) ... and Finn popped up (buzzkill). What will happen next?

Back on the farm... Blaine decided to become a superhero sidekick and teen wizard. Ten points for Gryffindor! (Right? Blaine would totally be in Gryffindor and Artie would be in Ravenclaw.) To help keep his mind off missing Kurt and their skype popcorn-eating sessions, Blaine challenged Brittany for Senior Class president, now let the antics begins! Brittany chose ex-boyfriend Artie as her VP, which is fine because she forgot that they dated, and he balanced out her ideas about school during summer and weekends. Blaine was kind of forced to take on Sam as his running mate, which turned out for the best because Sam's stripper dance to Party Rock Anthem once again proved irresistible and they WON! And hair gel lives! And even more important than winning, Sam and Blaine (Blam) found each other, and we were dressed from head to toe in love... the only label that never goes out of style. awwwww.

Oh and Brittany and Sam seem to have something in the works... so much to explore.

One subplot of this episode that noone probably cares about is Mr. Shue once again proving that it is never late to change careers. He is uninspired now that they won Nationals, and wants to become a crusader for the arts. Blah blah blah.  I loved this storyline because it allowed Glee to make fun of the ridiculousness that it allows everytime they compete. (Vintage/Anthem themes, allowing New Directions to sing more songs than other show choirs, Shuester has been out of ideas since Madonna week, etc.)

Overall Grade for this week's episode: A-

This week we moved from a 90% song/10% dialogue gleepisode to a mere 3 songs (I don't really count that SJP one or the Brittany/Sam one as a full song, so they only get half credit). I loved the humor and spotlight on Blaine and Sam!

Favorite Performance of the episode: Everybody wants to rule the world performed by Blaine. I mean there were only 3 to choose from but this was still good fsho.

Least Favorite Performance of the episode: Brittany and Sam. Brittany must you ruin every song with your talking with a tune and no makeup?

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Tie between"You know them as the Pimp and the Gimp" and when Becky refused to play the bells. Love it when glee remembers that this is a comedy!

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Rachel anywhere near a dance studio.

Glist (Week 3)
1. Blaine
2. Sam
3. Artie
4. Brody
5. Sugar - finally came to her senses and wants to date Artie!
6. Becky - Killed it with the PA announcement and stare down
7. Carrie Bradshaw- you are always fabulous beyond belief
8. Sue- the bitch is back
9. Rachel-  Sexy and Flirty Rachel is beyond annoying but I still love her

10. Kurt- I almost bumped you off but then I remembered that career comes first so I forgive. 

Other random thoughts:

-Rachel's laugh is SOOOOOOOO annoying

-Sue's debate performance was perfection

-Brittany looks a mess all the time...
-Blaine is perfect in every way, he best call Sebastian up
-I have been wondering if Blaine was gonna go back to Dalton- I wouldn't hate it

-Return of deaf guy helped me put together the nagging feeling of not being able to place him during the Glee Project finale!

Next Week's Episode:

Ryan Murphy better not disappoint. Rooting for all of these couples to break up except Wemma. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XA1a5KUB3w

Poop they did it again... don't hit me any more times

-->

Lawd this episode. Well the good news is...Glee Season 4, like Brittany S. Pierce and Britney Spears has hit rock bottom. So there's nowhere to go but up. You hit your bottom, Glee.

Ok, let's just get it all out there. And I say this out of love. People need to stop trying to make fetch happen. And by fetch I mean Britney Spears post-Toxic. She can't and could never sing, and although YES she changed my life and YES I know all the choreography to her various videos and live performances, all that's left of her is a slightly chunky, talent-less, bleached out and autotuned robot. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE BRITNEY I will jam out to Piece of Me while I'm getting ready and watch the Xfactor just to support, but that doesn't mean I'm trying to hear any of those later songs covered on Glee. But alas, this is what happened, and I am forced to try to take this episode seriously even though WE ALL KNOW this is just Ryan Murphy's way of re-living his home video Britney Spears productions. (We all have them.)

That being said, I love Ryan Murphy, and I do love Britney Spears despite the undeserved idol worship in the Glee Club, so I have braced myself for the inevitable hour-long tribute, part deux, in which we were taken through...DUN DUN DUN...

THE EVOLUTION OF BRITNEY SPEARS

We begin with Teeny Bopper Brit, who in this episode was portrayed by the closest thing Glee Season 4 can get to a Catholic School girl with a crush:  Marley. This good girl with a heart of gold comes complete with an "I love my mom" white board in her locker. WHAT. I say again, WHAT. I love my mom as much as the next girl but surrously? Marley is so boring I can't take it, and SURPRISE SURPRISE she has a crush on baby Puckerman whose name is escaping me right now. She decides he is cute, and then all of a sudden and despite warnings from the 40 Year Old Version of Unique, she is DRIVEN CRAZY by him. (That duet was Prettay kewl though) Girls are so stupid. Was this episode supposed to make me root for Marley and Baby Puck? Cuz I'm all about Kitty, at least she has some spice in her life. Marley was so hurt by Puckito's diss that she fast-forwarded all the way to crazed/suicidal Brit by the end of the episode. After Marley's somewhat loveable debut, how is it possible that I'm already over her character?? And I ain't cool with Marley getting the last song all the time. Moving on.

Next, we travel to NYADA for the Not that Innocent Britney, portrayed by everyone's favorite gold star Rachel Berry. This Britney phase is my personal fave, you know when she started doing scandalous performances and danced with snakes to show that she wasn't a boring virgin anymore. In the Glee World, Rachel attempted to draw comparisons to this coming-into-her-own, fierce, dancing Britney-esque girl, pretty unsuccessfully. Um Rachel still can't dance and the Glee writers need to accept that. Whatever. So Kate Hudson is even more of a raging lunatic that we thought- less because of her cell phone rant and more because she is teaching the tango in class. I still don't get what kind of dance class this is! She made Rachel sit out because she wasn't sexy enough, but Rachel was like nuh uh honey boo boo child! And did the most awkward and all over the place sex dance. Gwoss, I hate when dances simulate sex.

-->Perfect example. Kate Hudson still thinks RB is destined to perform the role of Shrek on Broadway, but at least things are going well with Brody Jenner and Kurt, now let's see how long it will take for her to CRACK. again again say crack again!

Which brings us to the Britney version that got the most shine and high praise this episode, Gross Sister Britney/Post- Popozao Britney. Brittany S. Pierce's flawless 2nd senior year hit a wall when she received an F- on a test, got kicked off the Cheerios, and got fuckin Federlined by Santana. (Nooo he made her break up with herself!) First thought- this isn't the first time Brittany has been without her high pony and Cheerios uniforms; she was wearing wack stuff all season 2. So why is she dressing like a homeless person this time around? Anyway, in order to get herself out of her doldrums, Brit decided to get to borderline psychopathic Britney in order to stage a comeback. Riiiiight. This all culminated is the EQUIVALENT OF SHOW CHOIR BLOOD DOPING... LIP SYNCING FOR YOUR LIFE. I will say, the Gimme More outfit and greasy middle part were spot on during the Pep Assembly. But really, what a waste. I love a good Glee Club Pep Assembly performance and that was a hot mess. In a puzzling twist, Sam Trouty Mouth Evans was the one to help Brittany get back on track? Glee's logic this episode is just beyond words.

So what have we learned from this episode? Ryan Murphy loves Britney Spears enough to sabotage his own show, Rachel Berry will never be sexy, and hitting rock bottom ain't always the way, people.

Overall grade for the episode. B-. If I didn't love glee so much i would give it an F minus. This is a high stakes season! We can't just be throwing away episodes. Glad we got this over with early in the year, though.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Shocking myself by saying this, but Three performed by Tina Cohen Chang, Teen Jesus and Trouty Mouth. Sounded good, and Boyfriend/Boyfriend was great but Blaine and Artie did not look like they were feeling themselves as much as usual. Prob because they realized this episode sucked.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Womanizer performed by Unique, Marley and Tina. This song has always annoyed me, and the gym class hot mess dancing didn't make it any better.

Favorite moment of the Episode 

Trouty Mouth opening his big Gigantic mouth in a welcoming gesture to homeboy. 

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode

Britney eating cheetos and drinking orange soda whilst performing. No clahss.  

Glist- Week 2

1. Brody - another successful week of being awesome.

2. Blaine - ditto on the me side.

3. Sam - Trouty mouth, trouthy mouth, what are they feeding you

4. Kitty- Got the Top Bitch spot and the Hot BF. Dare I say it? Winning!

5. Tina-  I see you getting your flirt on.

6. Kurt - God love ya.

7. Finn-  At least he is doing something with his life and not annoying me this week with Britney Spears songs.

8. Artie- you must save the club young padawan.

9. Piano guy-  Talk about a comeback 

10. Puck - you still can't act so good. But the gasp I let out when I say your face woke my neighbors up I'm sure. 

Random Thoughts:

-Ryan Murphy, Stop leaving Sugar Motta out of episodes. Don't be cheap-  pay her to sit in the background. 

-Leave Britney alone!

-Jacob's Bin Israel is just doing his job people! Don't hate the player hate the game. The game is the game.

-Glad Puck is doing so well that he can just fly back to Ohio for a 5 minute conversation with his half-brother who he just found out about. That was so lame.

-What up Emma!

Next week's episode. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojheBP6CTS8

I'm so confused about how predictable this episode looks. Let me guess, SJP gives Rachel a makeover? And the glee kids have a hilarious debate? Still excited fo life.

Guess Who's Back. Back again: Cuz it feels so empty without Glee!

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And we're baaaaaaaaack.  As if Friday mornings weren't already heavenly, now I get to watch Glee, too? I don't deserve this kind of freaky luck in my life!

For all my returning readers (Allison Perri Newman and probably 3 others), I hope I live up to the high bar you have set for my blogs. And to all you first-time readers... I am about to blab on a bunch of jibberish and inside jokes that you will not be able to understand so just Follow along white people!

For once, I tried to stay away from spoilers as much as humanly possibly before the premiere, which was impossible, especially after watching 2 hours of the X Factor (which is the weyudest show on planet earth) and following Ryan Murphy on Twitter. My expectations were low for this first episode, because both Season 2 and Season 3 premieres were WIGGEDY WIGGEDY WIGGEDY WACK. The title of this episode was the New Rachel (yes!) and it wasn't until halfway through that I understood the double meaning of this phrase! The New Directions need a "New Rachel" to be the star (well duh) AND Rachel Berry is becoming a "New Rachel" in New York via self-discovery and hot boys in towels! Let's Get Get Get it Poppin.

The New Rachels: McKinley Style

New school year at McKinley High School! Fresh of their Nationals victory, the New Directions are all Glee Studs and being courted by popular kids, cafeteria lady spawn, red-headed rappers and Vocal Adrenaline hot messes. Unique just up and left Jesse St. James (LOUDER! How could you?) and becomes a contender for the spot of new star of the Glee Club. Also in the running was Tina Cohen- Chang, who broke up with Mike..? I am usually all for this kind of single girl power but in this case Mike was upgrading you and now...just wamp. But power to the people, you can get your groove back. And Rachel was just being nice before- she would never endorse you, Tina. Brittany S. Pierce is also back in action... ok get out of here you can't sing, and Blaine (Sigh..... <3) clearly this fake competition is yours for the taking. & I didn't think it was possible, but Glee made Call Me Maybe even better AND made me love Blaine even more- which is why he was an obvious choice (thank you Artie) for the New Rachel.

Once that was settled, it was time to beef up the New Directions; they still need 12 people to compete right? Enter Marley, who was not only rocking a freaking taxi driver hat that should have been outlawed in the 1930's but is the daughter of the lunch lady! SCANDAL! (I'm not really grasping the genetics on that mother/daughter pair but we'll go with it.) But it turns out she can sing- and her Walmart swag made the New Directions go back to being nice to people again and getting slushied. So is Marley the new Rachel? I mean she got the solo and did the dramatic arm raise at the same time as RB so... I'm just trying to piece together the symbolism. Other noteworthy auditions included an awesomely hilarious rapper "Lil Wayne Lil Wayne" and baby Puckasaurus also known as "Just Jake". I mean really? I literally put my hand to my forehead in obsession upon hearing his first note. What we know about Jake: He is Puck's secret half brother, he has a chip on his shoulder, his dad is a former NBA Player (did I hear that right?), he is hot and he can sing. But the chip on his shoulder could make him a challenge for Mr. Shue... and the plot thickens.

In other news- Kurt is a pathetic and depressing townie. Trust me I know the feeling and have witnessed it first-hand: the dance team girl who just can't let go! I mean just last week I was at the bottom of the hill for an entire football game looking like a groupie trying to relive my glory days. We gotta move on, Kurt! And thanks to the world's greatest Dad, Burt Hummel, Kurt decided to leave his career as a barista and Glee club consultant and move to New York to do.... something. Not sure on that one yet but I'll get back to you.

The New Rachel: NYADA style

And who was in New York waiting for Kurt? None other than the original Rachel herself... Rachel. After choking on Kate Hudson promos for the last month, it was hard for me to care about these supposed "cut-throat" dance classes. I did like that Kate Hudson is an alcoholic, but even drunk she is right that Rachel needs to work on her pique turns. Why are they only doing pique turns? Who even does them anymore? Also, Rachel's roomie is a slore! Wish we could have met her, Michelle, any thoughts? But Rache made a new friend- and a HOT junior at that! Watch out now Finn, who hasn't called her in 2 months???? And she is still holding a candle for him?? Actually I can totally relate to that, poor Rachel. But good news- she NAILED her HUNGER GAMES REAPING!  I VOLUNTEER! And the sound of her voice gave me immediate chills. But by the end, she had CRACKED like an egg and needed her bestie, Kurt. Say crack again. And like a good neighbor, State Farm is there! With a gay best friend standing on the opposite end of a fountain.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A. I was truly shocked how great it was, considering Glee's Episode 1 history! I actually love the current Glee club, even though I miss Quinn, Finn and Puck, and love Rachel's New York Life, besides her annoying dance class. Woo Season 4 is on bitches.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: It's Time performed by Blaine. Nothing can beat a combination of step dancing, cup percussion, double dutch jump ropes and Blaine Anderson. Never seen double dutch look so effortless, Blaine clearly needed to tutor the kids from the Glee project. Lilly couldn't even turn the rope without getting out of breath. EYE OF THE TIGER!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Americano/Dance Again performed by Kate Hudson (forgot her character's name.) I'm just not that into you Kate Hudson!

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Not gonna lie, seeing Jacob Bin Israel's face pop up on the screen made me all kinds of happy.

Least Favorite Moment: I honestly can't think of one. Wow. Great ep!

Here is my Glist from week one, a way of ranking these fictional characters who rule my life. If you ain't on the Glist you ain't shit.

Glist Week 1
1. Blaine. for being perfect in every way
2. Jake. seriously, why can't there be guys like him in real life?
3. Rachel Berry. You are everything... totally believable in NY, love ya girl!  

4. Kurt.
5. Sam. "Bella i love you. And im a werewolf."
6. Sugar Motta. Triumphant return in a leopard hoodie
7.  Marley.
8. Artie.

9. Brody.  Again, where is ur equivalent walking around the mean streets of DC
 10. Mr. Shue. I'm proud of you! Look at your little club!

Random Thoughts:

-Rory Flanagan they dropped you like it was hot! Hopefully Blake will not suffer the same fate.

- Sue has a newborn and a Kitty Kat.

-Why u gotta hate strong black women for?

-Kate Hudson's abs, didn't she just have a baby? ftw

-Unique, if you're gonna go drag, don't dress like a 40 yr old mom! I could have sworn you were NeNe Leakes for a second

-Ok, this could have turned out bad but after Marley revealed that the lunch lady was her mom that was a perfect time for the bullies to come in with some "Yo mommas so fat" jokes

-I don't even read other Glee blogs anymore because I think mine is far superior

-Did Whoopi just tell a girl she couldnt go to college anymore?

Next Week's Episode

It's Britney Bitch! Fox is really milking the Britney cow dry! My dream songs would be "Lucky" "Drive Me Crazy" and "Don't Let me be the last to know" Can't Wait!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIIBQLrhOi4