The Writing's On the Blog: Thou Shalt Get My DIVA on (Dizeeva613)

-->What an appropriate week to create a DIVA episode, after Beyonce done threw it down at the Superbowl Halftime Performance. When I hear the word "Diva" I think of Beyonce 90% of the time and Mariah Carey 10% of the time, and Mariah is only included because she is a raging lunatic with the voice of an angel. (She is a pleasure to watch on American Idol though.)

Let me tell you a story bout the call that changed my Destiny.

It all started with Destiny's Children.

This ferocious and fweaky episode begins with Finny Bear having fear about his job security and rightfully so. I mean he is a 19 year old substitute Glee Club coach awaiting the impending return of last year's National Champion coach. But Emma Pillsbury in her infinite wisdom is always there to lend a helping pamphlet, and she encourages Finn to bring out the inner DIVA (I think I have to write DIVA in all caps for the rest of my life) in his children of destiny so that they will be fierce competitors at Regionals. (Emma, don't congratulate Finn on getting the kids to Regionals. He did not do that. They lost in embarrassing fashion while humping around on the floor singing "Gangnam Style.") Every time Emma comes up with a weekly theme it works so much better than any other inspiration- so Femma explains the theme to the club and all the girls and gays are super into it.

DIVA TIME! All of the bitches in Glee Club start talking smack and then spontaneously combust into a Diva/Catwalk/Sing-a-long. Glee, I BEG OF YOU stop letting Brittany sing Beyonce songs. And Whitney Houston songs. It's just immoral. But anyways they throw Marley in a leo and Unique in another middle-aged church lady ensemble and Blaine in the most ridiculous outfit I've ever seen (I can't believe Darren Criss let them cloth him in that!) as they strut around and Ms. Pillsbury yammers on hilariously about her Cheesecake Factory human rights.

Then Beyonce Giselle Knowles emerged as the true star of the group and took down everyone in her path.

If a DIVA is a female version of a hustla, Santana is a female version of a Jesse St. James. Bitch is back! Yes, she is back again. She quit college and now is just around to wreak havoc and teach people how to be DIVAS. Apparently if you quit school and are kicked off the cheerleading team, Louisville Cheerleading still lets you not only wear their uniforms but also take 4 or 5 cheerleaders to Ohio during basketball season to perform a non-cheer routine at glee club rehearsal.

Santana is pissed that Brittany is with Sam because she's just saying Brit could do better. FALSE. Not even Kim Kardashian could do better than Sam Evans so bite your tongue Satan! Trouty and Satan had a sing off. It was strange. Glee needs to do better transitions into things, and the way the instrumental of the song came in it sounded like they were about to sing "tale as old as tiiiiime..." Speaking of, why don't they ever sing Disney songs??? That could open us up to a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view.

So it turns out, Brittany doesn't want to be with Santana, and Santana doesn't want to be the future Cheerios coach after Sue kicks the bucket. (Where is Sue's baby? Did they completely forget about that? We never even found out who the father was. Praying for Sandy Ryerson.) So Santana decided to bounce her bouncy-as-hell ponytail all the way to New York whilst singing Girl on Fire better than Alicia Keys could have ever dreamed of singing it. Good luck Santana, idk why you chose to borrow one of Marley's hats for your travels but good luck anyway.

Spotted: Neck brace girl. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS.

Sometimes when you are a DIVA you have to let lesser human beings shine to make themselves feel better. Enter Kelly Rowland.

Kelly is Beyonce's best friend, so sometimes Beyonce lets Kelly feel important so that they can remain friends.

In New York, Rachel is at her finest DIVA confidence level, which is when most people hate her but baby that's the reason why I love you. Especially love when she held up the sign that she is resting her voice, like the time she put duck tape over her mouth to protest Glee Club when Quinn and Sam sang at Sectionals. But Kurt is annoyed by this and decides to knock her down a few pegs so she stops acting like a little biatch. Kurt reveals that Rachel's Defying Gravity win was a farce and then challenged her to a MIDNIGHT MADNESS DIVA-OFF!

SMH.  Kurt. Listen, you are great. But you are Kelly. You do a fine job. But you are a sidekick. Which is why I call EXTREME BULLSHIT on the verdict of the Midnight Madness competition! Rachel was hands down way better. It's laughable that they are trying to make fetch happen on this! Kurt, you are annoying me right now- and you never do that! You know you lost. This is again blasphemous.

So Rachel has low self esteem again, just like when Destiny's Child broke up and Beyonce went into a deep dark depression! "The depression was so severe it lasted for a couple of years, during which she kept herself in her bedroom for days and refused to eat anything. Knowles stated that she struggled to speak about her depression because Destiny's Child had just won their first Grammy Award she feared no one would take her seriously." (Thanks Wikipedia)

In even bigger news: Blaine has a cold. Blainy Days! (WTF SERIOUSLY WTF). And if she hadn't already ruined any chances of me liking her, this week Tina done pushed me to da edge.

Which bring us to Michelle Williams. I'll let this link do the talking for me.

Tina is the worst. And she has taken her obsession with Blaine to the max, as she offered up her support of his sick body and then proceeded to semi-molest him while he was sleeping and then got mad at him for no reason. She has turned into a full-blown psychopath!

Idk why the Glee writers keep trying to put her front and center! She is Michelle, meant to add to the number and round out the group, maybe give her a couple of lines here and there, but never give her a full song, never zoom in the camera on her, especially while she is being shot out of the underworld onto stage. And in another blasphemous turn of events, Tina won the freakin Diva competition! To which Brittany yells in slow motion " she never wins anything" haha for good reason. I promise this blog is not an attack on Tina Cohen Chang I just get angered that the writers are wasting our time and undermining our Glee intelligence and talent judging skills! Just like if Destiny's Child made a song of Michelle singing lead I would probably just skip over that track every time. I don't want her kicked out of the group I just want her be grateful that she gets to breathe the same air as Beyonce and lip sync nicely in the background.

Moving on to another psychopath losing their grip with reality: Finn has gone and lost his mind. How can I relate Finn and Emma to Destiny's Child?   Can't really do this so I'll just relate this to the time Lil Bow Wow was dating Ciara. Finn found out about Rachel moving in with Brodacious and immediately started giving EMMA FREAKIN PILLSBURY the eyes. He called her Emma. He kissed her. Louuuuuuuuuuddddddddder Finn. Interesting and gross turn of events. Clearly Emma didn't want no part of that shit!

Overall grade for the episode: A-

I really enjoyed it for the most part, besides the blasphemous competition winners. The Finn and Emma thing was weird but I get it. 
 

Favorite performance of the episode: Bring Him Home performed by Kurt/Rachel or Don't Stop Me Now performed by Blaine just on principle alone.  Even though I'm so against wife beaters and Blaine did some way over the top lip syncing.

Least favorite performance of the episode: Hung Up performed by Tina. Like come on now seriously. Tighten up, Tina. Stop letting your head bobble around like its about to detach. Miley Cyrus backup dancer. And this song??? Of all Madonna songs???

Favorite moment of the episode: Such a genius moment- go back and watch if you can't remember. When Kurt and Rachel were arguing and Rachel says "I wouldn't do that babe" and Kurt says "Why nottttttt" with wide eyes LOTS OF LAUGH I watched that like 50 times.

Least favorite moment of the episode: Tina molesting Blaine while he was asleep. BY FAR.

Other Thoughts:

-How does Brody know the closest vicory margin of midnight madness history?
-Tay tay as a nickname for Tina. How does that even work?
- Emma is soooo good.
- Carl! Please show up at the wedding.

- How many days of the week can you say Raven Symone got a shoutout on your favorite show? Not never! Come for the partay stay for the coray.

-Arties line of the episode: But... uh... oh.

- Sue's line to Santana about the income needed to support those scientists working on her teleporters was so fetch

Glist:

1. Rachel

2. Emma

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Ryder

6. Jake

7. Sugar

8. Kitty lookin fierce with that straight hurr

9. Santana

10. Brody

159. Tina

Next Week's Episode

Wemma wedding!! Or will Emma run away with Finn? I have super high expectations. Don't let me down Glee. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7QMP5n8Wlw

Nekid. She wants to play Gleek and hide no one to hide behind.

-->

Hello. Glee is working towards something right? They have to be. There has to be a logical explanation why they spent a whole episode trying to make fetch happen in terms of Sam's hot body issues, Marley and Jake's too soon love professions and a Rachel vs. Rachel schizophrenic duet. The air is humming and SOMETHING GREAT is coming! But for now, let's go skinny dip in the grool.

First things first. Sam and Blaine snitched on the Warblers and got them disqualified from Regionals for using bison nostril spray to amp up their musical song and dance performances. Riiiiiight. So now the New Directions get to go to Regionals by default. So you're telling me that with Marley passing out on stage they still beat that other Christian group?? Ain't no way Gangnam Style was better than She'll be Comin Round the Mountain--- and the New Directions were disqualified right??? They didn't win second place. So did the Christian group get disqualified too? For drinking from the cup of salvation before they perfomed? Yall need to go to logic school and catch up to the real.

Or maybe the top 2 sectionals winner get to go to Regionals??? But no, that's not right is it? I don't know now they've got me fucked up. Whatever.

So just going along with the Glee assumptions of reality- Glee Club is in Regionals and need money to pay for the bus to Indianapolis. I wonder if they will drive through Pawnee to get some Sweetums candy or Rent-A-Swag!! How will they get the money in time?? I guess Tina is full of ideas this year because she comes up with doing a "Men of McKinley" Calendar. Tina- you are so annoying sit down and shut up. Gosh I wish Rachel Berry and Santana were back in the choir room to drown her annoying baby voice outta here!

So everyone immediately agrees that this is the best idea ever because apparently this year's Glee guys are the hottest ever. UMMMMMM what. Puck and Finn and Mike Chang would pwn Jake, Ryder and Sam in a hotness contest any day. Well maybe not Sam- his trouty mouth swag is really working for him these days.

Speaking of Trout and Mouth, Sam found out that he is a true idiot and got a 300 or something on his SATs. Why is Principal Figgins the one telling them their scores, and why is he telling them in front of each other? Like why does Brittany have to be there to hear that? And Brittany drew a penis on her SATs and got a near perfect score- that's what I did on mine too and that's how I got into Mitt.

So long story short, Sam gets down on himself and realizes that the only good thing about him is his white chocolate sex appeal, and to that I say PRAISE because Sam is like whoa. So Sam went over the top in getting himself and the other guys ready for the photo shoot, which included spray tans (Holla- got one yesterday- look like an oompa loompa), Broga, and a Nelly/90's song mashup that including some intense vag exercises assisted by Cheerios. I'd like to give Trouty his props for doing a great Nelly. Aiiiiiii.

Oh yeah Sue and Finn are still awkwardly beefin. Apparently Sue was really protesting hard off camera about that calendar and Finn wanted to prove her hypocrisy by digging up her old Penthouse nude spread. Ok this was the dumbest thing ever. Stop it with this. Only good part of this was Finn saying "You can suck a hot one" with a straight face.

Also, Artie doesn't want to pose half nude. And Finn says to Artie- it's okay to say no. And it's okay that there's a part of yourself you want to keep private... maybe he was trying to send those thoughts to his long lost love Rachel Barbie Berry?

Speaking of slutty barbie, Rachel is in New York if you hadn't heard. And she is such a grown up!! Having sex with Brody and doing weird plays to break into the biz. Her most recent project requires a topless scene and she is TORN UP about it!! So torn that her old awesome self comes back to sing a duet with herself... about being torn in what I like to call Rachel vs. Lea Michele. This musical number came WAYYYY to soon in the decision-making process, (she can't really be "torn" less than 30 seconds after being presented with the dilemma) and the song battle didn't do much to persuade Lea Michele to keep her bra on- it would take more than a self-harmonized duet to do that. KUDOS TO GHOST RACHEL FOR TELLING LEA MICHELE THAT HER PORN STAR HAIR IS OUT OF CONTROL.

Enter Kurt, Santana and Quinn. HAVE AN INTERVENTION! HAVE AN INTERVENTION! YOUR FAMILY'S HERE! Also Brody was naked and Kurt was like oooooweeeee what's up with that. what's up with that. In the end, Rachel just wasn't ready to get down like that in front of a bunch of fat camera men/musicians so she marched out wearing her pink robe and rejoined Santana and Quinn in girl power and innocence! Does this mean the end of slut ass shallow Rachel? Here's hoping! And Santana is gonna move to NY it seems. Snaps for Satan.

So the Men of Mckinley stripped down to their skivvies, Rachel decided to keep her A cups under wraps, but it wasn't all about objectifying nude bodies this week- we also got naked emotionally and let it all hang out Jake and Marley style.

Brittany S. Pierce brought Marley on Fondue for Two and grilled her on her love/obsession with Hunger Games, Anorexia and Jake. So I guess this got Marley to thinking that she should EXPOSE herself since Jake was willing to get naked for a calendar. That's logical. So Jake and Marley had a secret monkey meeting in the auditorium where they sang the most lovely duet and Marley almost told Jake she loved him. And then Jake admitted to Ryder <3 that he loved Marley. Is this real? They have been dating for like 3 days. So then Jake sang the most AMAZING dedication jam to Marley in Glee Club accompanied by a string quartet and eventually it was revealed to each other the revelation that there love is revelatory. What is the deal with these two? Maybe we are supposed to be rooting for them so we will be crushed when Jake punches her out or something. He has an anger problem right? I do think they are cute together so I guess Ryan Murphy wins again.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

Not a super great episode, but I thought all of the musical performances were TOP NOTCH BABY. The McKinley stuff was a little all over the place, but I actually thought the Rachel/Kurt stuff made sense for their age and current status. Nice to see Quinn and Santana for 2 minutes.

Favorite Performance of the Episode Love Song performed by Rachel, Quinn and Santana. 100 million reasons why.

Close second and third: This is the New Year performed by the New Directions. So adorable- been jammin this song for the last week. It was just so clearly a song that Ryan Murphy liked and wanted to do and Let Me Love You performed by Jake. So good.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Torn performed by Rachel and Rachel. I didn't like it in the context of that point of the episode.

Favorite Moment(s) of the Episode Kurt being disgusted by Rachel and Brody at breakfast and of course Sam Evans with the classic line: "Well haters gonna hate."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode Jar Jar Binks posing for the calendar. Also Finn sucks now so every time he did anything.

Other thoughts:

-Hot new co-anchor??? Can we say Puck!!!?!?!?
-Brittany's switch leap in This is the New Year still perplexes me. I guess she is being sarcastic.

-I wonder how long Quinn and Santana had to stand behind Rachel's door before she arrived
-Britt's Shoulda Been line: "You know how I know you are both hot? Because I've sexed both of you"

-Jake lookin at that Cheerio like why the hell are u spray tanning my half black ass

-Did Blaine forget that Tina loves him? Does he still love Sam? That hug was steamy

-Return of the neck brace girl!!! This has to be Ryan Murphy's niece or something right?

-Weird creepy piano music when Artie started talking about penthouse. Not cool.

Glist

1. Kurt

2. Sam

3. Blaine

4. Jake

5. Quinn

6. Santana

7. Rachel

8. Ryder

9. Sugar idk

10. Emma I just like her ok?

Next Week's Episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7GjzYF3iyk

DIVAAAAAAA work! take it to another level no passengers on my plaaaane

I wrote a sticky note to Glee it says I am not lisning to your gender rules

In case you hadn't heard- Glee is back.

GLEE IS BACK.

And snow is on the ground and we are in the doldrums of January and the Glee writers are like hey let's do a prom episode wayyyyyy before prom!!! Here we go:

McKinley High School is having a super formal Sadie Hawkins dance, basically because Tina Hoe-in Chang is in love with Blaine and needs an excuse to profess this to everyone. Several thoughts:

1. Tina girl, I don't blame you.

2. Blaine is gay.

3. Tina. If Blaine were to ever EVER EVER come back to us you ain't gonna be the one to turn him.

4. Blatina is one of the worst combined love names. Tina Cohen Blaine. Blina Cohen Chang.

So we weave this into everyone's lives in several ways. Finn Hudson aka the worst Glee Club coach ever is fresh out of ideas on what to do now since the New Directions have nothing to compete for. Come on now Finn! All you have to do is make them sing and dance around- isn't that what you told them was the whole point of the New Directions in that sappy e-mail read round the world? Whatever, Finn encourages all of the Glee girls to ask the boys out to the dance via Glee Club performances. Why does he just assume that the girls in Glee want to only date the boys in Glee? Can't they venture out into the wild sometimes?

Apparently they can't- they are all freaking obsessed with each other. So Tina serenaded Blaine and Blaine blocked the shit out of her shot he was like BLA- BAM! No thank you.

Come to find out, Blaine rejected her for a reason and the reason was not because he isn't interested in girls. (???) Or because he is scarred for life after a Sadie Hawkins dance gone wrong. He is in love....  with... wait for it..... you'll never believe who I'm about to say... the one... the only.... SAM TROUTY MOUTH EVANS. Maybe I'm just an idiot who loves Glee too much, but this is so believable to me. Sam is the bee's knees, am I right? And the more I watched Blaine and Sam interact as bros, I begin to relate to being a gay man in love with my best friend and student council running mate Sam Evans. (?? Don't come for me.)

But I guess the larger theme of this episode was that if you want something you should go for it!! Especially if you're a woman or gay.

So here comes Marley "WakeMeUpWhenShe'sDone" HatFace who loves Jake and chose to serenade him by flailing around the choir room in a blue dress. I'm sorry, was there supposed to be some kind of drama that goes with this? She sang a song while looking insane, Jake smiled a lot, she asked him to the dance, he said yes. She asked him to be exclusive, he said yes. So maybe this is Ryan Murphy's take on a normal relationship. He is trying to shock us by doing nothing shocking or interesting?? Deconstructionist mind control- I'm sure it will all turn into something dramatic- Marley will vomit up her lunch on Jake one day and he will be totally offended.

And of course the dance was a hit! The guys performed and they were on their suit and tie shit tie shit. The girls performed.  Sugar Motta lip synced for her life and Marley sucks at lip syncing. Speaking of lip syncing...

For all of the people who can't fully graspe the power of Beyonce and were shocked and offended that she lip sanc (is that the past tense?) at the inauguration, just shut it.  She still sang the song at some point, it was still her beautiful voice, and her voice wasn't even the best part of that performance. By a mile. Beyonce is EVERYTHING the voice, the look, the style, the performance, so I could care less if she sang live! And this guy believes she did sing live anyway.

Back to Glee.

While at the dance, it seemed as though Tina was Tuiasosopo'd and made to believe something that could not possibly be true in this universe, when she actually thought Blaine was going to KISS HER. No, bitch. No. Luckily Blaine was whisked away just in time by his one true love Trouty Mouth to investigate the Warblers alleged steroid use. (why does Microsoft Word not accept Trouty as a word?? I type it more than my own name)

Yes, the Warblers are juicing. Fat cheerful boy says so. Glee tried to go one season without competing and then were like nope! We are out of ideas so let's just stick some needles in Warbler butts.

Stupid boys, let's back to female empowerment, Tina got to slow dance with her gay, Sugar Motta lept up onto Artie, ZIZES IS BACK IN THE HOUSE and making horrible dating decisions (Teen Jesus ain't ready for that jelly) and Kitty Kat whored herself out to Puck. Was the Kitty thing supposed to be empowering? Is she going to go all April Kepner and regret giving her virginity to Puck instead of Jesus? Only time will tell.

And to tie it all in- Kurt also was taking charge of his female parts and decided to ask out the founder of the Adam's Ah-pel show choir at Nyada. Where in hell did Ryan Murphy find these fweakazoids to compose this group.

In a very small segment of the episode we find out that Rachel and Brodes are getting hot and heavy. She perhaps loves him? She perhaps is sleeping with him? He is perhaps moving in?

Which brings me to an important bump in the road and she's be's sarcastic. This episode showed sooo many of our formerly boo'd up characters falling for someone else. Rachel seems to have moved on from Finn completely, Blaine was giving the sad puppy eyes to Sam like Kurt never existed, Kurt is giggling at Adam and his apple, and Tina is in love with Blaine. And Brittany's been over Santana for a minute. So I stroke my chin and ponder are these couples over for good?? Hopefully Ryan Murphy is playing the long game and trying to confuse us all.

But more importantly, what's up with the Cheerio in the neck brace. Like what's her story, where did she come from, how did she injure herself? We need answers.

Overall grade for the episode A-

Really enjoyed this episode although the Sadie Hawkins dance is prob gonna take away from the Prom episode if they even have one! Love Blam.

Favorite performance of the episode: I Only Have Eyes for You performed by Ryder. This is one of my very very favorite songs ever, has been since Cologero stole my heart in a Bronx Tale. Ryder is the eye of my tiger.

Least favorite performance of the episode: Baby got Back performed by the Adam's Apples. Wtf. So corny. That is the most cliche white ppl obsessed song ever. And Kurt giggling and snickering in the audience was so horribly awk.

Favorite Moment of the Episode

Brittany spaz- dancing in the hallway right before "Tell Him." Just dance, Brit. Gonna be okay, da da do do and just dance.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode

The camera doing a close up on the girls as they sing "Cuz your sex takes me to paradise." Yall are too young- stop it I would have liked it better if they switched the word "sex" to "calves". @so_grool @em_riedel

Other Thoughts

- I am pretty upset that I did not come up with "Too Young to be Bitter" first

- Becky is a little slut aint she. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ryjcj669DcI
- Was Kurt doing plies in skinny jeans
- I thought Rachel was gonna get hit by a bus Mean Girls style

- Zizes is the shit
- Zizes's outfit was so fetch
- Ryder was up there twerkin on No Scrubs hahaha
- Marley dance to the beat for gods sake
- Brittany always taking the sexual dancing to another level

Glist
1. Sam- All about that gooey gooey fsho
2. Blaine
3. Sugar- best dressed at the dance by far
4. Ryder - poor baby. Date me, I'm speaking to Blake now not Ryder.
5. Brody
6. Zizes
7. Artie

8. Puck- slightly creepy and sad in this episode but still fine as hell

9. Kitty- Jesus Loving Devil!

10. Rachel

Next week's episode:
Naked. Trying to get some viewers. Santana, Quinn, Rachel growing up to be a slut, the usual. Hoping Holly Holiday doesn't bust up in that jank talking about sex.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JLlBnzGryg

Hoo's there? Drosslymayanpocalypse: O Christmas Glee!

Glee Christmas/Hanukkah/End of Civilization Episode is here!

This episode has everything, you’ve got your wheelchair kids in black in white, your obese lunch ladies with #nofilter, your jew on jew motocross racing- family fun for all!

Glee tried to convince us into that they were doing a "Love Actually” tribute, by having 4 or 5 different storylines that all centered around one theme. But this episode just felt like every other Glee episode which led me to realize that every Glee episode is like a tribute to Love Actually, jumping from story to story without a care in the world, but ultimately centering around one big theme that Will Shuester writes on the white board. (Duets, Funk, Lesbian Music, the word "Hello" etc.) But this episode had like 20 different directions so it didn’t really compare to Love Actually at all. IT’S IRONIC, ACTUALLY. So here is what was said: 

Glactually Christmas Episode Themes:

1)            Acceptance of Self/Fate/Destiny/Destiny's Child/Glee Club (Artie)

2)            Dads having cancer and new beginnings? (Kurt)

3)            Mayan Apocalypse/Carpe Diem (Brittany and Sam)

4)            Spirit of Giving/Eating Disorders (Marley/Sue)

5)            Family Bonding/Religious Pride (Jake/Puck)

And here we go.

# 1  Bitch You Ain't No Nerd?  Tiny Tim and the Return of the Leprechaun

So for the 3rd or 4th time in this show’s run, Artie was sick of being in a wheelchair. I feel you kid, and I don’t know how you stay so slender. So commence the dream sequence in which Artie never got in a car accident and everything was topsy turvy! Some thoughts on this dream sequence:

-Artie, no matter what you still look like a nerd.

-Mike Chang was lookin hot in black and white.

-Why was Kurt questioned for not graduating but none of the rest of his senior class was  questioned? Loose threads, Glee.

-That’s a doll hahahahah. (referring to the incomparable Terri Shuester)

-You cannot mention Ken Tanaka and then not show freakin Ken Tanaka!

-"Feliz Navidad" was sooo boring

-Ummm Quinn died of a broken heart, am I the only one who thought that was hiliarous?? She is a texting while driving addict?!?!? WHATEVER HAPPENED, HAPPENED. You always get on that plane.

So bottom line, like with every other Glee hallucination (See Props) the dreamer realizes that there is a reason that things are the way they are. And apparently the reason that Artie is in a wheelchair is so that his social status is so low that he joins the Glee Club he becomes the glue that keeps the New Directions together. And basically, a life without Glee is nothing at all! I do agree that Artie is the glue, although he gets no play anymore. And if he is the glue then Tina Cohen Chang is the rubber that everything bounces off and sticks to Artie.

But my question about the whole thing is… if it was dream, and it wasn’t real… then how’d I get jersey with the name O’Neal (O’Neal, O’Neal) Enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfhhWA9GF0M

Stop #2 on the train to nowhere: NEW YAK!

No surprise, Burt Hummel is Dad of the Year for the 4^th consecutive year. He popped up (you gotta pop up) to Kurt and Rachel’s apartment just as Rachel was about to be whisked away on Rosie O' Donnell holiday cruise, but arrived with sad news that Burty Boy has cancer. BUZZ KILL. Really Glee? Didn’t we already have to get through this emotional trauma once with Rachel singing Papa Can You Hear Me by Burt’s bedside? But he and Kurt bonded, and he gave Kurt the best present any human on earth could receive, the gift of Blaine! Blaine and Kurt are still on the rocks, but their Christmas duet was so fetch. And Blaine is going to apply to NYADA so that is interesting… very interesting.

Scenario # 3:  Dont you DARE.  Say… KWANAKAH!!!!!!

It has become apparent that the Puckerman brothers need each other’s hotness to survive so several things took place in this hotness exchange. Puck wants to “help” Jake with something I’m not sure of, so they took the the 45 north to San Vicente and then took Beverly over to Santa Monica until they arrived in Cali and did some networking via Hanukkah song on a movie set.  (Sidenote: Wish i had known this song before I was asked to make a Hanukkah halftime mix.) THEN they decided to go back to Lima to unite their mothers (weird) so they got back on San Vicente and took it to the 10 and switched over to the 404 and had dinner at breadsticks with the whole clan. Only important thing that came out of this story is that PUCK IS MOVING BACK TO OHIO AND THE ANGELS REJOICED, ALLELUIA, ALLELUIA.

Scenario # 4 Keep on Dancing til the world ends!

Trouty Mouth and No Lips Brit fit into this strange hodgepodge of Christmas stories by deciding that life is much greater when you think you only have a few days left via the Mayan Apocalypse. Seriously though in real life is the world gonna end? I just wanna know either way. There have been way too many songs about it not to be true, right? Whatevs, Sam and Brittany used comedy to help us cope with our inevitable doom and then Sam performed Jingle Bell Rock for NO APPARENT REASON in the library and then they got married! But not really, Coach Bieste is such a trickster! Now they are just dating and will probably break up soon since Glee is bound to run out of interesting things to happen in that area. I guess moral of this story is you should always treat people like it’s the end of the world! Live like you were dying, live while you’re young, I’m gonna die young, forever young, do you really wanna live forever etc.

Scenario # 5 Marley and Me and a Magical Christmas Tree full of cash

How awful must it be for Marley’s mom the actress to read those scripts with fat jokes all up in them?

Anyway, Marley officially has an eating disorder! Congrats, girl. And in order to pay for her therapy sessions, Marley and Marleymom cannot afford a Christmas tree or even an ugly sweater from “Benetton.” So in the spirit of a Glee Christmas episode, Sue once again went from Grinch to Cat in the Hat and gave the Marleys a Christmas surprise!  Marley’s mom then tried to return the cash and it went something like this:

I can’t accept.

Just take it.

Ok.

And the Glee Club sang and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in the hopes that Quinn Fabre would rise from the grave and mend her broken heart. And visions of SugarMotta danced in everyone’s head.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

Glee Christmas episodes are never great, but I enjoyed it! Won’t be watching it again anytime soon but it got the job done.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas performed by everyone. This song gets me every single freaking time no matter the version.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Marley singing the first noel for several reasons. One, there was a feature on Glee’s facebook page of them trying to remember the words to the songs and Marley was the only one who could do it but they failed to mention she had to memorize it for the show! Cheating bitch. Also this was an awkward cafeteria scene that no one needed.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: (and quote possibly of the season) “Tina your acting career is a pipe dream and your decision to pursue it is both irresponsible and shocking.”

Other thoughts:

-Does Blaine Warbler not have his own family to celebrate with?

-Sugar motta and Unique not out chea

-Omg it is snowing!!! Inside! A true Christmas miracle

-I repeat where is sugar motta?

-Why in baby Jesus’s name don’t we get to see Rachel and her dad on the cruise?

-Wasn't there supposed to be a Winter Concert they were preparing for? Where was that? 

Glist

1.     Puck

2.     Blaine

3.     Jake

4.     Burt

5.     The spirit of Quinn

6.     Sam

7.     Cool Artie

8.     Nerd Artie

9.     Kitty (looking fierce out of that pony!)

10. Coach Bieste

Next New Glee:

Sadie Hawkins dance! I’m intrigued! But let’s wait a while before it’s too late

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vA1Ddrf_es

I’m F***in Ron Swansong: Had to Make this Swan Cry

I would first like to say that I loved this episode but more importantly, if SUGAR FREAKING MOTTA IS NO LONGER ON THE SHOW THEN I’M NOT SURE IF I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO BLOG EVER AGAIN. Ryan Murphy, hear my swan song and correct this blaspheme.

In a major twist, only because no one ever thought Ryan Murphy would have the balls to make it happen, the New Directions lost sectionals because of Rexi’s blackout performance. (If somehow the Warblers disqualify and the ND get to compete again I will be so annoyed.) The New Directions should thank Marley for passing out and ruining their chances because now they can tell people they had to forfeit rather than the truth which is that they got whooped gangham style! They sucked and the Warblers were so fetch.

So basically as soon as they found out out the news that they lost,  Sue and the Cheerios were trashin' the camp, and all of the New Directions san Marley decided to quit and move on to the next one. (Whooo could it be?) Some of my faves included Blaine Warbler as a Cheerio (PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON THIS DREAM) and Artie as a drumline maestro or whatevs you call it.

Brittany and Sam decided that instead of taking up on extracurriculars, they would just complete the Glee Club dating circle of life and fall in love for no apparent reason. Is it me, or are they making Brittany seem even dumber nowadays? They’ve taken her from ditzy blonde to full on elementary schooler and it’s mad annoying. But Sam seems to be way into it so maybe I should start drooling and eating cheerios off the ground if I’m ever gonna find true love.

Meanwhile at NYADA (3 syllables) or nyada (2 syllables), it was time for the Winter Showcase dun dun dun. After the Season 4 premiere and the mere mention of the Winter Showcase, who didn’t guess that Rachel B would be selected to sing in it? I mean duh come on now, some Glee writers wait a lifetime for a moment like this. (She should’ve done that!!! Omg or the Justin Guarini version!) Rachel was all a flutter, until she had a dance battle with Kate Hudson and realized (finally) that dancing is not her strong suit but she can sing better than anyone around the globe! So she got all dolled up, (and looked effing wonderful) kissed Brody the Babe and went out there and tore shit up. I mean I have never heard that song in my life and it seemed to have no concern for rhyming, tempo or anything but she is the queen and we are just the sorry people. A little too dramatic but that’s just her and that’s why she got a standing O! If I wasn’t the laziest sloppy freakshow baby I would have gotten out of my chair and thrown flowers at my laptop screen this morning. And apparently a look from Whoopi Goldberg means do an encore Christmas song (I thought she was going rogue for a second!) and RB hit us with another flawless performance of “O Holy Night.” Granted, she released that one like 2 years ago and I would have preferred for her to sing something new, but she still sounded ridiculous so brava! SUPERB LIL RACHE, I ONLY WISH YOUR DADS COULD SEE YOU NOW! Seriously though, let’s get them back on the screen asap. (Also, I really want Brody to end up being an asshole to spice up my life a little.)

In a shocking twist- well not that shocking at all if you watch the previews- Whoopi decided to let Kurt audition again for Nyada on the spot at the Winter Showcase. LOUDER!!! Turns out that all the things we love about Kurt performances (high kicks, baton twirling, ridiculous outfits) do not fit into the NYADA mold… umm excuse me?!?!? Kurt, screw them, join the circus or hook up with Nicki Minaj and paint the town gold glitter! But I guess Kurt really wanted to get in, so Kurnicorn had an ADORABLE chat with Rachel about singing with soul and went out on stage to audition one last time.

Ok this is the point in the episode when I lost my freaking mind and started crying hysterically. I have no idea if this "Kurt on the big stage" moment had a similar effect on others, but I was seriously crying, like ugly face and tears streaming down into puddles on my keyboard. Maybe it was the mention of the “I wanna hold your hand” performance that made me think of little Kurt Hummel with the side swept bangs or made me think of the times when Kurt was having such a miserable time trying to be a gay teen in Ohio, or maybe the words of the song. I don’t know man!! In an emotional state right now. But Kurt did great ALTHOUGH if you are trying to make a classic Kurt number you need to have him hit a classic Kurt high note. But he got into NYADA, and Rachel won and held Brody’s hand! And all is happy in the big city.

Back in Lima, Finn was struggling to get the Glee kids to stay in the club after they had no more competitions to work for and no practice space. I know these epiphany moments are kind of corny but I loved it when Rachel told Finn that it’s not about the competition and it’s about the singing, dancing, fun and friendships, yadda yadda yadda. It's so true and to that I say hell yeah. Hell yeah hell yeah. So Finn sent out an e-mail with the basic sentiment of “You can find your way, you can go the distance” (TM Maggie Klee) and it turns out that all of the kids love Glee club as much as I love Dance Team haha circle of life goes around again!  And Marley finally wore an appropriate hat.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A

Simple plot, positive message. Great performances and inexplicable tears always translates in a good review from me.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Being Good Isn’t Good Enough performed by Rachel Berry. There is no other answer and I am working on my rendition of this to be performed at Gabe’s next pregame.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: All That Jazz performed by Cassandra and Rachel. If I never have to see that dance studio again I will die a happy gleek.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: 2 Winners: Blaine strutting up in a Cheerios uni and Black Swan giving Rachel the stink eye as she sang.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode:  Teen Jesus being fweaky and weyud.

Glist

1. Rachel

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam- I’m just saying you could do better.

5. Artie

6. Jake

7. Ryder

8. Brody

9. Cheerios doing trapeze/ribbon dancing in slow motion

10. Tina was not annoying this week!

Other Thoughts:
-Ryan Murphy reading my blog again with the “You ain’t no Rachel” comment

-Finn made his famous confused face many times

-How far away is Washington from Ohio? Mr. Shue is back and forth like it ain’t nothin
-Brittany needs to grow some eyebrows.
-Finn I appreciate your speech but the marching band needs members too Finn! Prob more than the Glee Club
-Lipchap locker was genius.

-Brittany is just a man to me

-Unique got more play when she was in Vocal Adrenaline

-OH RYDER CAN PLAY BASKETBALL HAVE YOU EVER FREAKING SEEN EYE OF THE TIGER?!?!?!

Next week’s episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYFD7UgwdMk

Everyone brush up on Love Actually before it airs! Christmas/End of the World reeeee! And return of Terri Shuester and Burt Hummel hollllla!