I'm in the Mood to Feud Ya Dood

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THIS EPISODE WAS ALMOST AS INSANE AS NICKI MINAJ SHOWING UP 15 MINUTES LATE TO A LIVE TAPING OF AMERICAN IDOL WITH NO FACE ON.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9r8W2_r7Tk

So the whole premise of this episode comes from the fact that Finn kissed Emma and WIll is pissed TFO. Mr. Shue is treating Finn like dog shit, having him make coffee runs, and dry-clean vests, all while fake complimenting Ryder to piss him off. So Artie, Tina and Blaine decide to have an intervention ya family's here and assign a musical theme to the week! (Are those 3 captains of Glee Club? I don't remember there being a vote cuz Tina aint the one.)

So the theme is Epic Musical Feuds, meaning that in order to squash glee club beef the two dueling members are to perform mash-up songs of feuding artists! I honestly didn't even understand this theme until they did the sit down with Ryder and Unique but let's just pretend that I got it from the beginning.

So the gauntlet is thrown blam bow and Mr. Shue is gonna KICK... FINN's...ASS. I would pay one million dollars to see Finn and Mr. Shue do a Biggie vs. Tupac mashup. One gazillion dollars. But before they broke-dance foughted and butchered two American classics from my childhood, Mr. Shue knocked Finn down a few pegs, telling him that he only put Finn in charge of the Glee Club because he pitied him and thas not love thas desperation. But Finn BETRAYED him and broke THE CODE OF BROTHERS and now it is time to pay.

Btw where is Emma in all this? Has Shue confronted her? She mad? You mad? We mad?

We mad because this was god awful. Let me me paint a picture for those of you (Allison Perri) who do not watch anymore. The mash-up was Bye Bye Bye and I Want it That Way which are two of the greatest songs in the world but two songs that do not go together at all. I guess the word MASHED is appropriate for what that was. Old rotten mashed potatoes. A monster mash. At one point Finn and Shue were actually fighting, if that's what we were supposed to take from the Mouse King .vs Nutcracker choreographed tackling.  Finn sounded fine doing BSB, but Mr. Shue took all the nasally wonder out of Justin's masterpiece and just runed a perfectly flawless song. The puppet strings look absolutely ridiculous and out of sync. (IRONY) Anyway, they sucked at the end of the performance, Mr. Shue couldn't bring himself to hug it out. End scene. REJECTED.

But now Finn may get a teaching degree- something is happening but I am so pissed about them ruining what could have been an epic performance I don't even care.

AND THE LOSER IS: Everyone. We all lose.

On to the next one.

Conspiracy Theory time:

So yall heard that Nicki Minaj was late late late to a very important date right??? THAT SHIT WAS CRAZY. She missed an entire performance and had her makeup spread all over the judges table. And this whole season on American Idol she has been dissing on the show while she is simultaneously getting paid and getting exposure. So my theory is that the American Idol producers or FOX or whoever told Glee to make an episode where they make fun of Nicki and her ridiculous antics.

Enter Sue vs. Blaine in this week's 2nd most random storyline (2nd to the Unique and Ryder thing- we shall get to that one later).

So if you are confused about why these two would be beefing (Idk why you would be, it's so obvious) it's because on December 5 Blaine joined the Cheerios and then on December 6 he quit. So now Sue needs him for Cheerleading Regionals. So she put cement in his hair gel and ruined his credit and put a sign up in the air about him being on the bottom??? Is that sexual reference?

Anyway, incase you haven't heard- Mariah and Nicki Minaj are apparently in a feud that is as epic as Elton John/Madonna + BSB/NSYNC. UMMMM no. Their feud is not that epic, it is mostly just catty and immature, which means two things:

1. Glee is trying to boost American Idol

2. They really wanted to make fun of Nicki Minauseous

So after Sue did some corny and not funny impersonations of Nicki and reenacted her "crazy Nicki threats" (which I'm sure were inspired from behind-the-scenes Idol footage,) Sue and Blaine battled it out. Blaine started off with "I Still Believe" which is a great song, don't get me wrong- but WTF. That song should be saved for when you are singing it about Kurt in a pensieve thoughtful moment. If you are going to do a BATTLE with a Mariah song you need to do Heartbreaker or Fantasy or Obsessed.

And then Sue comes in. Sue is a hot mess. Did she just change the lyric to "he a tall freaking trip trip"??? Did I hear that correctly? As Maggie Klee so eloquently put it "WTF JUST OCCURRED."

Again, I'm guessing that this is some FOX executives' commentary on how Mariah's talent is being overshadowed by Nicki's gimmicks and Sue won the challenge, meaning that Blaine has to remain a Cheerio. Which is fine with me cuz Blaine is looking oh so cute in that uni!  But wait, he and Sam are plotting and Blaine will work from the inside and bring Sue down. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS EPISODE. Another beef not squashed.  

AND THE WINNER IS: Blaine. He is always the winner. Always.

Ryder vs. Unique

Why did I type the words "french fries" in my notes. I have no idea/recollection, probably just hungry.

Ok everyone it's about to get even more FWEAKY. Let's start with the normal part:

Ryder kissed Marley a few weeks ago, and Jake is still pissed at both of them. But Marley I guess has chosen to be with Jake. (come on Glee- you could have had me hooked for a few more weeks with the triangle). Jake and Marley actually have a really cute and mature conversation and decided that they pretty much basically kinda sorta trust each other it would be immature to ice Ryder out.

However, Ryder still has decided to ice his own self out of sanity and he done pushed himself to da edge. He is having a cyber-relationship with some blonde chick aka Tuiasosopo aka probably gon be Unique. The entire time I am watching these instant message conversation I'm thinking "what the fuck is this. what the fuck is this." Also I am thinking "Do people still use instant message? Is this the new AIM? Does a creaky door opening door sound happen when someone signs on and then slams shut when some signs off? Do they still have away messages? How did these two meet? Did he ask A/S/L at first?" So many questions. CLEARLY this is Glee's take on the Manti Teo situation and I am just ROTFL and LOL and LMAO etc. So anyway..

Ryder and Unique feud because she got mad at him for kissing Marley and he made an insensitive comment about her drag lifestyle. So they mash it up taking from the Elton/Madonna feud that most people prob don't know or care about. And Unique again dressed herself like a 40 year old woman going to an early Sunday Service and trounced around with her feet turned out. It sounded fine, but it was wack. And now Glee is trying to make Ryder a douchebag a la that Glee Project character he played over the summer when he was yelling at Aylin and we were supposed to believe that she would choose to be with Michael over Blake. (Insert @so_grool doing a Michael impression.)

In the end, we are left with the weird Saved By the Bell: The New Class gathering in a classroom where Ryder makes a football analogy and apologizes to Marley, Jake and Unique and then Unique tells everyone that she had to run away from some popular girl bullies. Unique, you and Coach Beiste seriously need to understand that you are big enough to beat up a pack of wolves so stop it with that. And Unique cannot act worth SHIIIIIIT.

And then they all started talking about next year and it was a sad affair.

AND THE WINNER IS: Kitty.

Next in the ring of fire: Santana vs. Brody

Ok first of all- how annoying is it that Rachel isn't pregnant? This is just like the Quinn car accident thing. Such a huge build up and then oh never mind. Come on Glee.

But I guess it wasn't for nothing- it seems to have brought Santana and Rachel closer ??? maybe??? and Santana thinks it should serve as a wake-up call to Rachel, since she has become a soggy mess of a woman and it's time for her to take a hard look at the choices she is making aka get rid of Donkey Face.

Speaking of Donkey Face- it turns out I was right all along- he is a gigolo, always on the go everytime I turn around I got another show. Hello my name is Gunnnnner dood and I am going to have sex with old women to pay for my tuition. So apparently there is a hotel in New York where all the male hookers go and wait around to get dollars rained up on them!  Wait, what is Tracy Quartermaine doing up in hurr? Up in hurr.Up in hurr.

So Santana still doesn't know the truth, but wants to intimidate Brody enough to get him to move out, so she visits the god-forsaken dance studio where Brody is still being a teaching assistant for Cassie. Cassie lives! And of course Santana just happened to be in a black dress ready to perform but "don't apply logic to Lopez" it's just Glee so let it happen. Santana performs an unnecessary version of American Idol judge Paula Abdul's "Cold-Hearted Snake" (and circle fits the square) and then tells Brody to pack your bags girls we're going to Milan! ! Not really, just pack your bags!

Word of Santana's tongue-lashing via musical performance spread fast and Kurt and Rachel were none too pleased. They had a family loft conversation and asked Santana to move out because she was pissing Brody off and he was there first. BITCHES! Luckily, Santana's bag was already packed and ready to go and #weouchea to stay on Lena Dunham's couch, but not before promising to expose Brody for the plastic tiara he was!! (It's... just... plastic. GASP!!!)

And she did. Once again using his teleportation device, Finn appears in New York. I have never gasped that much in my life. OMG. Brody and Finn get into it about loving Rachel blah blah and then start straight up brawling!!! STAY AWAY FROM MY FUTURE WIFE!! That's really a mouthful to yell while you are mid-fight Finn, you could have just said "Stay away from her, or stay away from Rachel." FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! And whoop there it is.

AND THE WINNER IS: Santana. Clearly.

BY FAR THE BEST CONCLUSION OF ANY GLEE EPISODE EVER OCCURRED WHEN THE FOX ANNOUNCER SAID THIS IN A CASUAL VOICE AS THE CREDITS ROLLED:

"They started from the bottom, and now they're here. Watch the top 9 perform next Wednesday on American Idol." hahahahahah i was dying. dying dying dying I can only imagine what I have been missing out by not watching live episodes before this.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B

It was just insane. Didn't dislike it but would be fine never watching it again. Santana and Trouty Mouth once again carried the episode.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: How to be a heartbreaker performed by Brody and Rachel. This dance was a euphemism for Brody having sex with old women which is utterly disturbing but I love the song and Brody is still amazing I don't care who he is screwing or feuding!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Bye Bye Bye performed by Finn and Mr. Shue. Hard to watch. It just didn't go together and hurt my ears.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Tina getting pwned by Sue. You're dismissed, go find a new bf maybe Lance Bass is available or Rupaul.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Definitely Ryder chatting Tuisasosopo and Sue doing the Nicki Minaj faces.

Other thoughts:

-Where is Brittany? Probably out strolling on college campuses.

-Trouty Mouth always coming in strong during group numbers.

-WHAT THE FUCK IS MARLEY WEARING psychodelic turtleneck dress.

-Fake complimenting Ryder part was humorous

-Suite life of Zack and Cody reboot

-In the real world there are commitments and you are only as good as your word!

-Santana still cant dance.

-Bitch took my pillow.

-Finn is forever kicking something in rage

Next Week's Episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4svKmFbAd4

GUILTY PLEASURES! Glad that haven't totally abandoned the idea of Blaine and Sam! BLAM! And some other stuff.

American Idol thoughts and rankings.

As you know, this week was absolutely insane.  The theme was SOOOOOO BAD omg I can't believe we had to sit through a perform of "I Believe, Flying Without Wings, A Moment Like This, Breakaway etc". Everybody sucked. I mean of course Angie, Candice, Cree and Amber did great but the theme was so bad and everyone was so thrown of Nicki Minaj!!!!! I have never witnessed anything so outrageously awkward and hilarious.

Mariah, you need to stop being so nice. Audience, stop booing everyone. Keith, you are polite. And Nicki- YOU'RE HORRIBLE! Stop being anti-American Idol! Just give your hilarious critiques and then sit the hell down! No one wants to hear you arguing anymore!! You are getting paid so much money, and you are 30 years old! Just STFU! 

Ryan Seacrest is an angel sent from heaven above. 

Here is my ranking: 

1. Amber- what the world needs now.

2. Angie-she did that Kelly Clarkson song well but no one will ever EVER EVER top Kelly.

3. Candice

4. Kree

5. Burnell- never ever ever sing a Ruben Studdard song again.

Everyone else can kick rocks ESPECIALLY Paul Jolley! So glad Curtis got eliminated! Nicki shut the fuck up and let us make some god damn progress! 

P.S. Chris Brown and Rihanna are like diamonds in the sky.

If It's Not Like the Movies That's How It Should Be

It's a shame that Glee got pushed back 2 weeks, I'm sure they created the whole entire theme of this episode to coincide with Oscars. (DJAAAANNNGOOOOOOO)

But alas, American Idol stomped its big fabulous foot all over poor lil Glee and we had to come back to what seemed like another random Mr. Shue idea from hell.

We started off with a Will and Emma musical number that nobody asked for. Will Shuester trying to be on Broadway again and no one under the age of 75 has any idea what movie that was supposed to be from. But you know what it was cute, and Emma is a little ladybug and just adorable in everything she does but then BAM Will Shuester wakes up from his slumber and IT WAS ALL A DREAM. I USED TO READ J 14 magazines.

Flash forward a couple of hours and it turns out that Mr. Shue and Emma have not reconciled after the Runaway Bride incident, instead he is just escaping from reality by watching old movies to calm his nerves and waiting for her to come back. And here comes our well-thought out theme for the week: MOVIES! EVERYONE LOVES MOVIES!! Shue assigns Glee Club the task of competing with each other (Boys vs. Girls + Unique of course) and the word "Regionals" is thrown in there I guess to try to legitimize wasting a week singing in elaborate costumes. The word  "THEATRICALITY" is also brought up and I immediately wish everyone would just wear a dress made out of beanie babies.  (So I guess Regionals should be happening soon? They might not even have time to go to Nationals this year which is totes fine with me.)

So anyway, it's Guys vs. Dolls yadayadayada but Blaine and Brittany want to do a duet because it seems like their voices really go well together (NO THEY DON'T) and the whole team erupts into Glee's 500th musical number!!!! NOW WAIIIIIIT A MINUTE.  Congrats to Glee on doing so many unnecessary numbers (Womanizer, The Rain in Spain, Gimme More, GANGHAM FUCKING STYLE, Make No Mistake, Somethin Stupid, Hung Up, Nowadays etc). And again I ask why is Brittany singing???? why????? why??? But I loved the dancing in the library, can never go wrong with army-crawling through the stacks.

The boys went first, and performed an ode to Tom Cruise pre-scientology with Danger Zone and Old Time Rock and Roll. Initial thoughts:

-Blaine looks weird in those glasses, but not as weird as Teen Jesus

-My main man Matty Boi used to put on those same aviators and CRUSH a lip sync version of Danger Zone

-You know Ryan Murphy just wanted the 3 hotties to wear no pants nance

The girls could have easily come out and crushed it AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO 2 MOULIN ROUGE SONGS IN ONE EPISODE CLEARLY YOU NEED TO DO LADY MARMALADE LIKE WTF IS THIS A JOKE? So yeah the winner is....

...EVERYONE!! hahaha I love whoever shouted out "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS?!" to Mr. Shue. But it's okay, they are all losers and everyone cut FOOTLOOSE and now I know the actual words to "Footloose", thanks Trout Mout.

Takeaways from the Movies competition:

1. These kids could actually win a Glee Club competition...I'm feeling it

2. Blaine and Marley need to get all of the solos (sorry Maggie/Artie)

3.  How are they gonna stand in a line doing feet things with poor Artie sitting there doing hand motions? Messed up.

Pero, donde esta Emma? Finn is feeling guilty that he still hasn't told his bro Mr. Shue about the most awkward kiss ever so he tries to make it right by finding Emma. Artie suggests a Lady Manhunt but as Finn puts it so eloquently "Ain't nobody got time for that!!" hahaha sometimes Finn is okay with me. So Artie and Finn became gingers for the day holy hilarious and found the coordinates to Emma's hideaway.

In one of the more predictable musical numbers, Mr. Shue sang his Broadway version of "In Your Eyes" holding a stereo (one of the greatest songs EVVVVVEEERRR) and Emma came out of hiding. Loved it besides this insanely awkward exchange that will go down in history.

Emma: Will are you crazy?

Will: Crazy for you ha HA!

Hahahah anyway when all of the music died down, Emma came out and told Will that she ran because she feel like she doesn't know him anymore. He is exactly the same weirdo he has always been Emma, trust me. But the answer to all problems is to watch a movie!!! So that's settled. Except one thing, fuck you Emma. You can't just leave someone at the altar. Will, go get back with Terri, she loved you enough to steal someone's baby.

But wait- it ain't over yall. FINN DROPPED A BOMB and told Shue about the kiss. DAMN Mr. Shue just gave him the death stare like whoa. Holy moly let's see what happens when people stop being polite, and START GETTING REAL.

Ok that's enough Glee Club drama for now, although we have more to come.

Let's check in on REAL WORLD: Back to New York

The NY thing is officially working for me- loving everything about it. Santana is the most awesome. She was killing it all episode. I'm just loving this roomie combination.

Satan, Rach, Kurt and Adam's Apple were snowed in after Nyada cancelled classes (THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN) and decided to coincidentally focus on the glee club lesson of the week and watch a MOVIE. Such a small world. Of course it's got to be MOULIN ROUGE BITCHES! Which annoys Santana and brings up a flashback of emotions for Kurt Hummel.

**SIDENOTE... what is happening with his dad?? Doesn't he have cancer??? Wtf Glee you can't just drop that bomb and forget about it!!**

Anyways, they watch Moulin Rouge until Santana can't take it anymore, she has to expose Brody after going through all of the pockets and drawers in the apartment. She finds a pager and wad of cash which clearly points to him being a drug dealer. I'm still thinking prostitute. Rachel is already pissed off and in a terrible mood but it's not just because her boyfriend is made of plastic...

YES, RACHEL IS WITH CHILD!!! After a couple days of avoiding pregnancy films and laying around on the couch with Kurt, Rachel finally broke down when Santana found her pregnancy test. Darnit I love Rachel and Santana in this moment. At least now she has a bitchy friend to keep it 1 hunnid with her- ain't no way Santana is letting her have this child. Aint no way. But we still don't know Hoodatdude aka the Fahjer. Please let it be Finn.

One last thing about NY. I am just imagining what the directors told Kurt in that dance studio. "Just spin around aimlessly and tell him you are working on your pirouettes." hahahah I am laughing so hard imagining this.

Back to the Future: Marley Jake Ryder

Ok, this love triange is slowly becoming my favorite thing about Glee. Whattttt????  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME???

Last episode we saw Marley getting kissed ever so tenderly by Ryder, after her boyfriend Jake was just existing looking so cute and awesome. This week, to make up for having no original Vday ideas, Jake created a romantic re-creation of the movie Ghost?? (whatever) that includes them molding clay together. Weird clay molding with hand pornography will always remind me of the Godfather 3 so I am slightly disgusted. But as he sings Unchained Melody to her (one of the greatest songs ever ever EVER EVER) all she can think of is RYDERRRR!!! I don't know if that is just because she feels guilty or because she really likes him but either way either way. She decides to tell Jake the truth and he is NOT happy I gotta tell you sthin. So now I'm sure Jake and Ryder will be enemies again BORING. But it was fun while it lasted.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A

Really really really enjoyed it. Hilarious, good, good, hilarious. I love Glee.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Come What May performed by Blaine and Kurt. This barely beat out Unchained Melody but OMG YES it was just splendid HOLY MOTHER OF SWEET JESUS. Great movie, great song. And yeah get it shawty to Kurt coming in with that female voice like you know you can! Gave me chills and tears. Beautiful.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend performed by the Girls + Unique. Why are yall acting like you mashed it up? That mix was already done. Your clear straps are showing bitches.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Santana: "Brody is freaking psycho."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Mr. Shue being himself time and time again.

Other thoughts:

-"You dont get to be Les Miz just because you are the poster"

-Watching Glee with Commercial breaks is so fweaky

-Emma has a sister?

-I love Sugar Motta. "We should do the Artist."

-Nicholas Cage impression HIGH PRAISE!

-"Boys are like lumps of coal. They're dirty and they're cheap and they get hot when they're rubbed. Some turn into diamonds so collect as many as you can!"

- I should make a drinking game whenever Artie says Preach take a shot  

-Kurt is looking strapping lately isn't he?

Glist

1. Blaine (He sang on almost every song and that is the way it is done ladies and gents!)

2. Santana

3. Sam

4. Rachel

5. Ryder

6. Jake

7. Marley

8. Kurt

9. Sugar

10. Kitty

Next Week's Episode

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2SBCyZgd80

Are we supposed to believe that Mr. Shue knows how to physically hurt someone? bye bye bye (Bye bye!)

-----------In other news: AMERICAN IDOL SUB-BLOG------------

I am IN IT TO WIN IT this season and you can thank a random stumbling upon last year's Holy Trinity of J Names: Jessica Sanchez, Joshua Ledet and J LOOOOOOOOOO! Yooooloooo Jlooooo.

This season is cray. I love the judges.

Keith Urban is somehow hot and beautiful and lovely with that horrendous haircut and actually smart and insightful and everytime he opens his mouth I want to SOMO!

Nicki Minaj my lil ladybug is out of fucking control but I still love it! Clearly she is supposed to be the harsh, Simonesque judge and I'm fine with her ridiculous critiques of what people are wearing their "TONE" (In a thick NY accent) even though that bitch knows not one damn thing about singing. One thing I could do without is her PG-13 rated comments (this is family show bitch!) and her constant suggestion that certain contestants could make it outside of American Idol. Ummm clearly they can't and that is why they are on American Idol. Stop belittling the show- this is American effing Idol don't be so disrespectful!

Randy is my dawg for life. (Randy Jackson laugh)

Mariah you're on fiyah! I have been hating on Mariah Carey for the last 10 years but when she opens up her mouth and says something nerdy about music I just LOVE IT and through this I have been reintroduced to what a BOSS singer she is and I can't help but root for her to not stumble over her words as she tends to do.

Going into the top 10. Love all the girls except Janelle- but she will make it all the way to the top 3 Nikki McKibbin-style because country fans are bonkers. The boys are BLAAAAAAAAHHHHH with a capital VOMIT but atleast Charlie didn't get in who has completely been pushed to the brink of insanity by this competition. I LOATHE Curtis Finch Jr's fake personality but GOD JESUS dammit why is he so good at singing??? Favorite guy is BURNELL by far he rocks my world.

One more thing.. I think that my talents could be used in the following ways:

-Choosing songs for Glee and American Idol contestants to sing

- Choreographing Glee musical numbers

If any of the 2 of you who have read this far down my blog has any connections in those areas than hook a sista up! 

Seacrest, out.

It's Ya Wedding So You Know Glee Bout to Wile i i Out. Happy Friggin_Val-entines Day.

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Amazing episode. I knew Glee had a reason for all of its bullshit! It all came together so brilliantly in this week's VDAY/Wedding Episode. It was freaking perfect all the way.

Last week Finn kissed Emma and so this week Finn was thinking "I'm a dumbass idiot" (which he is) and Emma was still stressing the fuck out about planning and her fiance's best man smooching her. (I personally can't wait to plan my wedding seating chart, it's like picking seating at the Grammy's. Gotta make sure T Swizzle and John Mayer sit as close as possible for maximum drama!) Mr. Shue wasn't really helping ole Emma out... and it's a bit concerning that he would rather spend time yelling "ha HA!" with his Glee Club than calming down his obviously hysterical bride-to-be. But hey, Emma knew what she was getting herself into the day she met this man. He loves his glee club what can you do??

Meet me at the altar in your conservative white dress, we ain't gettin no better at being teachers so we might as well do it.

But Emma is just a hot mess! Her OCD and bird lady tendencies are getting the best of her and after a maniacal duet with opera-singing Shue and 'Cedes, she FLEES THE SCENE like a robber in the night!! Run away from me baby, run away. Yeah she pulled a Mr. Big but she didn't try to come back. Gosh I wish Emma came back so Mr. Shue could have beaten her with some flowersand Puck could have pointed his finger sternly, saying "NO." Damn missed opportunities to recreate a classic!

But kudos to Glee, because we know now that completing the mission at Ginger Wedding Convention was never the plan, the plan was to get all of the kids together for a Valentine's Day party in semi-formal attire! The following kids are out with the Asian Bird Flu: Kitty, Sugar, Unique, Joe- they not outchea. Which just means Glee didn't have enough money to pay the whole cast this week.

But the new kids that remained were fucking great. Marley and Jake are dating ya know, and for VDay Marley got Jake cufflinks made from a TYPEWRITER?? wtf how does that work. Maybe I don't understand what a cufflink is, or maybe I don't understand what a typewriter is. And we are starting to see that maybe Jake isn't all he is cracked up to be because he forgot to get Marley anything for Valentine's Day and is considering taking weirdly dressed Puck's advice to use her eating disorder as a way to save money on a date and see a skinny girl in lingerie. Luckily, Ryder Strong is there to be a good friend and give Jake advice on how to rock Marley's Vday socks followed by very solemn glances of longing. So Ryder helps Jake KILL IT, and Marley eats it up. Then at the Ginger Convention, Jake decides he wants to try to take it to the next level (meaning sex), but both Marley and Ryder agrees that she isn't ready. Marley then figures out that Ryder was behind all of the VDay sweetness, and when she goes to thank him, Ryder does what any best friend would do and professes his love and kisses her! Sneak attack! My thoughts on this love triangle:

- It is grool. There is no better shape than a triangle.

- It is even grooler because Marley is about to actually be faced with a dilemma. Jake is perfect in every way and clearly loves her, but also, Ryder is perfect in every way and loves her. I have no idea who she will choose and I hope it gets hella dramatic yo!

Moving on to more triangular patterns with the old kids. There were so many I feel I can't even attempt paragraph form right now.

- Blaine and Kurt and Tina and Adams Apple

- Rachel and Finn and Brody

- Sam and Brittany and Santana and Quinn

- Artie and Ali and Sugar??? YES WHERE WAS SUGAR PEOPLE?

But before I start that, one more thing about the non-kids. Sue was genius in this episode. It's been a while since she has been genius and it was a welcome return to brilliance! The walking down the aisle was epic, as was the line about the stripped down version of "I Will Survive." My meeting Jane Lynch must have finally rubbed off on her. (by meeting I mean seeing at close range.)

So we catch up with Blaine and Kurt making out in the back of a car!! LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK FRAT TO ME!!! They are all over each other and cute at the wedding, but Kurt is trying to play it cool. Boy I know you want me I can see it in your eyes! Also in someone's eye is a look of straight psychopathic terror and that someone is Ms. Tina Cohen Chang. Yeah Tina went off on Kurt and admitted that she vapor raped Blaine and then Kurt called her a hag and Klaine decided to help Tina get a new bf. OK WTF Mike Chang was right there lookin scrumpcious!! Tina, come on ride the train. 

Also, Santana and Quinn were each other's dates commiserating over bad luck in love and how hot they both are. And then everybody in the club gettin tipsy and all of a sudden we've got ourselves a hot lesbian hookup!! Even this was great and kind of awesome, I just don't want Santana to fall in love with her. For a bad ass, Santana sho nuff is a needy bitch.

Freakin Aly (Ali) from the Glee Project 2 rolled up in there overacting as much as ever to be Artie's new love interest. She did an okay job considering her tendency to make horrific facial expressions. And Artie put it down! In a nerdy way. I'm sure Maggie Klee was foaming at the mouth.

Now to the most important couple of the century, FINCHEL. Rachel arrived to the wedding sans Brody because they want to keep it casual and apparently he is some kind of hooker or drug dealer. So Rachel and Finn naturally had to sing a duet together since Finn was so narvous about kissing Emma and all and Rachel was freshly spray tanned for the occasion. There was a lot of flirting and a lot of a tension now that Finn has been dieting, and I loved it all! Finn finally broke it down for Rachel- no matter what happens in between, we will be together in the end. SO FETCH. And then they sang a perfect duet and oh did I mention they got it on? Yeah they did man! And so did Blaine and Kurt, Santana and Quinn and Artie and Aly.

At the end of it all, we are left with a few parting thoughts. Here they are, spelled out in list form for you:

1. Aly and Artie are about to start dating. Bitch didn't win. Get Aylin in here.

2. Mr. Shue is still without his boo, has no idea where she is. Going to work with Finny Bear to find her and win her back.

3. Quinn is still straight but willing to go another round?

4. Rachel loves Finn. Finn loves Rachel.

5. Kurt and Blaine are still not together but it's looking better for them. And Tina seems to be over Blaine.

6. Marley and Jake are still in love and Ryder is still sulking in the background.

7. Rachel is pregnant!?!?!?!? There is no way her small body can carry that baby to term. Do I smell an abortion episode in the near future? Hot Button Issue #504.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A+++ BEST EPISODE EVER. EVER. EVER. Maybe not ever but definitely of the season.

Favorite Performances of the Episode: ALL OF THESE WERE SO GROOL SO I WILL GIVE THEM ALL THEIR PROPS AS SUCH:

#3 You're All I Need To Get By performed by Jake and Marley. Hearts and pink and beautiful voices and happiness. I want to be Marley.

#2 We've Got Tonight performed by Rachel and Finn featuring everyone else. SO FREAKING GROOL. We've Got Tonight to have sex in a hotel room.

#1 Just Can't Get Enough performed by Kurt and Blaine. Can't go wrong with a Klaine duet. And the freaking reception dancing was on point

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Getting Married Today performed by Will, Emma and Mercedes. It wasn't bad, Emma actually did a really grool job but it just alarmed me for a good portion of it and Will singing like he is on Broadway is never good.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Either Sue walking down the aisle or Brittany and Sam dancing hilariously at the reception.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: "She loves me, she loves me not" lines. Finn you are a wanksta and you need to stop frontin.

Other Thoughts

- When I saw Mercedes I realized that I have missed her. Is that how I'm going to feel about Tina when she graduates?? Doubtful.

- I never saw Mr. Shue in DC once so I think someone needs to double check his story

- Puck and Kitty are dating now. This could work. Except she is a SOPHOMORE! I thought he liked cougars?

- Becky as the flower girl

- Why is Mr. Shue's class learning about the history of the bald eagle?

- Everytime I hear "Anything Could Happen" I only picture 5th Harmony with those big ass bows on their heads

- Of course Rachel's short ass caught the bouquet because that is plausible

- If you want to cry today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tXAg5XdK8ac

Glist:

1. Sam. He had no lines in this episode but his reception dancing said it all

2. Ryder

3. Rachel

4. Blaine

5. Kurt

6. Jake

7. Emma

8. Sue

9. Mike Chang

10. Artie

Next New Episode:

Tres semanas??? Are you joking? Vamos al cine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSePfqwO-WE

The Writing's On the Blog: Thou Shalt Get My DIVA on (Dizeeva613)

-->What an appropriate week to create a DIVA episode, after Beyonce done threw it down at the Superbowl Halftime Performance. When I hear the word "Diva" I think of Beyonce 90% of the time and Mariah Carey 10% of the time, and Mariah is only included because she is a raging lunatic with the voice of an angel. (She is a pleasure to watch on American Idol though.)

Let me tell you a story bout the call that changed my Destiny.

It all started with Destiny's Children.

This ferocious and fweaky episode begins with Finny Bear having fear about his job security and rightfully so. I mean he is a 19 year old substitute Glee Club coach awaiting the impending return of last year's National Champion coach. But Emma Pillsbury in her infinite wisdom is always there to lend a helping pamphlet, and she encourages Finn to bring out the inner DIVA (I think I have to write DIVA in all caps for the rest of my life) in his children of destiny so that they will be fierce competitors at Regionals. (Emma, don't congratulate Finn on getting the kids to Regionals. He did not do that. They lost in embarrassing fashion while humping around on the floor singing "Gangnam Style.") Every time Emma comes up with a weekly theme it works so much better than any other inspiration- so Femma explains the theme to the club and all the girls and gays are super into it.

DIVA TIME! All of the bitches in Glee Club start talking smack and then spontaneously combust into a Diva/Catwalk/Sing-a-long. Glee, I BEG OF YOU stop letting Brittany sing Beyonce songs. And Whitney Houston songs. It's just immoral. But anyways they throw Marley in a leo and Unique in another middle-aged church lady ensemble and Blaine in the most ridiculous outfit I've ever seen (I can't believe Darren Criss let them cloth him in that!) as they strut around and Ms. Pillsbury yammers on hilariously about her Cheesecake Factory human rights.

Then Beyonce Giselle Knowles emerged as the true star of the group and took down everyone in her path.

If a DIVA is a female version of a hustla, Santana is a female version of a Jesse St. James. Bitch is back! Yes, she is back again. She quit college and now is just around to wreak havoc and teach people how to be DIVAS. Apparently if you quit school and are kicked off the cheerleading team, Louisville Cheerleading still lets you not only wear their uniforms but also take 4 or 5 cheerleaders to Ohio during basketball season to perform a non-cheer routine at glee club rehearsal.

Santana is pissed that Brittany is with Sam because she's just saying Brit could do better. FALSE. Not even Kim Kardashian could do better than Sam Evans so bite your tongue Satan! Trouty and Satan had a sing off. It was strange. Glee needs to do better transitions into things, and the way the instrumental of the song came in it sounded like they were about to sing "tale as old as tiiiiime..." Speaking of, why don't they ever sing Disney songs??? That could open us up to a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view.

So it turns out, Brittany doesn't want to be with Santana, and Santana doesn't want to be the future Cheerios coach after Sue kicks the bucket. (Where is Sue's baby? Did they completely forget about that? We never even found out who the father was. Praying for Sandy Ryerson.) So Santana decided to bounce her bouncy-as-hell ponytail all the way to New York whilst singing Girl on Fire better than Alicia Keys could have ever dreamed of singing it. Good luck Santana, idk why you chose to borrow one of Marley's hats for your travels but good luck anyway.

Spotted: Neck brace girl. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS.

Sometimes when you are a DIVA you have to let lesser human beings shine to make themselves feel better. Enter Kelly Rowland.

Kelly is Beyonce's best friend, so sometimes Beyonce lets Kelly feel important so that they can remain friends.

In New York, Rachel is at her finest DIVA confidence level, which is when most people hate her but baby that's the reason why I love you. Especially love when she held up the sign that she is resting her voice, like the time she put duck tape over her mouth to protest Glee Club when Quinn and Sam sang at Sectionals. But Kurt is annoyed by this and decides to knock her down a few pegs so she stops acting like a little biatch. Kurt reveals that Rachel's Defying Gravity win was a farce and then challenged her to a MIDNIGHT MADNESS DIVA-OFF!

SMH.  Kurt. Listen, you are great. But you are Kelly. You do a fine job. But you are a sidekick. Which is why I call EXTREME BULLSHIT on the verdict of the Midnight Madness competition! Rachel was hands down way better. It's laughable that they are trying to make fetch happen on this! Kurt, you are annoying me right now- and you never do that! You know you lost. This is again blasphemous.

So Rachel has low self esteem again, just like when Destiny's Child broke up and Beyonce went into a deep dark depression! "The depression was so severe it lasted for a couple of years, during which she kept herself in her bedroom for days and refused to eat anything. Knowles stated that she struggled to speak about her depression because Destiny's Child had just won their first Grammy Award she feared no one would take her seriously." (Thanks Wikipedia)

In even bigger news: Blaine has a cold. Blainy Days! (WTF SERIOUSLY WTF). And if she hadn't already ruined any chances of me liking her, this week Tina done pushed me to da edge.

Which bring us to Michelle Williams. I'll let this link do the talking for me.

Tina is the worst. And she has taken her obsession with Blaine to the max, as she offered up her support of his sick body and then proceeded to semi-molest him while he was sleeping and then got mad at him for no reason. She has turned into a full-blown psychopath!

Idk why the Glee writers keep trying to put her front and center! She is Michelle, meant to add to the number and round out the group, maybe give her a couple of lines here and there, but never give her a full song, never zoom in the camera on her, especially while she is being shot out of the underworld onto stage. And in another blasphemous turn of events, Tina won the freakin Diva competition! To which Brittany yells in slow motion " she never wins anything" haha for good reason. I promise this blog is not an attack on Tina Cohen Chang I just get angered that the writers are wasting our time and undermining our Glee intelligence and talent judging skills! Just like if Destiny's Child made a song of Michelle singing lead I would probably just skip over that track every time. I don't want her kicked out of the group I just want her be grateful that she gets to breathe the same air as Beyonce and lip sync nicely in the background.

Moving on to another psychopath losing their grip with reality: Finn has gone and lost his mind. How can I relate Finn and Emma to Destiny's Child?   Can't really do this so I'll just relate this to the time Lil Bow Wow was dating Ciara. Finn found out about Rachel moving in with Brodacious and immediately started giving EMMA FREAKIN PILLSBURY the eyes. He called her Emma. He kissed her. Louuuuuuuuuuddddddddder Finn. Interesting and gross turn of events. Clearly Emma didn't want no part of that shit!

Overall grade for the episode: A-

I really enjoyed it for the most part, besides the blasphemous competition winners. The Finn and Emma thing was weird but I get it. 
 

Favorite performance of the episode: Bring Him Home performed by Kurt/Rachel or Don't Stop Me Now performed by Blaine just on principle alone.  Even though I'm so against wife beaters and Blaine did some way over the top lip syncing.

Least favorite performance of the episode: Hung Up performed by Tina. Like come on now seriously. Tighten up, Tina. Stop letting your head bobble around like its about to detach. Miley Cyrus backup dancer. And this song??? Of all Madonna songs???

Favorite moment of the episode: Such a genius moment- go back and watch if you can't remember. When Kurt and Rachel were arguing and Rachel says "I wouldn't do that babe" and Kurt says "Why nottttttt" with wide eyes LOTS OF LAUGH I watched that like 50 times.

Least favorite moment of the episode: Tina molesting Blaine while he was asleep. BY FAR.

Other Thoughts:

-How does Brody know the closest vicory margin of midnight madness history?
-Tay tay as a nickname for Tina. How does that even work?
- Emma is soooo good.
- Carl! Please show up at the wedding.

- How many days of the week can you say Raven Symone got a shoutout on your favorite show? Not never! Come for the partay stay for the coray.

-Arties line of the episode: But... uh... oh.

- Sue's line to Santana about the income needed to support those scientists working on her teleporters was so fetch

Glist:

1. Rachel

2. Emma

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Ryder

6. Jake

7. Sugar

8. Kitty lookin fierce with that straight hurr

9. Santana

10. Brody

159. Tina

Next Week's Episode

Wemma wedding!! Or will Emma run away with Finn? I have super high expectations. Don't let me down Glee. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7QMP5n8Wlw

Nekid. She wants to play Gleek and hide no one to hide behind.

-->

Hello. Glee is working towards something right? They have to be. There has to be a logical explanation why they spent a whole episode trying to make fetch happen in terms of Sam's hot body issues, Marley and Jake's too soon love professions and a Rachel vs. Rachel schizophrenic duet. The air is humming and SOMETHING GREAT is coming! But for now, let's go skinny dip in the grool.

First things first. Sam and Blaine snitched on the Warblers and got them disqualified from Regionals for using bison nostril spray to amp up their musical song and dance performances. Riiiiiight. So now the New Directions get to go to Regionals by default. So you're telling me that with Marley passing out on stage they still beat that other Christian group?? Ain't no way Gangnam Style was better than She'll be Comin Round the Mountain--- and the New Directions were disqualified right??? They didn't win second place. So did the Christian group get disqualified too? For drinking from the cup of salvation before they perfomed? Yall need to go to logic school and catch up to the real.

Or maybe the top 2 sectionals winner get to go to Regionals??? But no, that's not right is it? I don't know now they've got me fucked up. Whatever.

So just going along with the Glee assumptions of reality- Glee Club is in Regionals and need money to pay for the bus to Indianapolis. I wonder if they will drive through Pawnee to get some Sweetums candy or Rent-A-Swag!! How will they get the money in time?? I guess Tina is full of ideas this year because she comes up with doing a "Men of McKinley" Calendar. Tina- you are so annoying sit down and shut up. Gosh I wish Rachel Berry and Santana were back in the choir room to drown her annoying baby voice outta here!

So everyone immediately agrees that this is the best idea ever because apparently this year's Glee guys are the hottest ever. UMMMMMM what. Puck and Finn and Mike Chang would pwn Jake, Ryder and Sam in a hotness contest any day. Well maybe not Sam- his trouty mouth swag is really working for him these days.

Speaking of Trout and Mouth, Sam found out that he is a true idiot and got a 300 or something on his SATs. Why is Principal Figgins the one telling them their scores, and why is he telling them in front of each other? Like why does Brittany have to be there to hear that? And Brittany drew a penis on her SATs and got a near perfect score- that's what I did on mine too and that's how I got into Mitt.

So long story short, Sam gets down on himself and realizes that the only good thing about him is his white chocolate sex appeal, and to that I say PRAISE because Sam is like whoa. So Sam went over the top in getting himself and the other guys ready for the photo shoot, which included spray tans (Holla- got one yesterday- look like an oompa loompa), Broga, and a Nelly/90's song mashup that including some intense vag exercises assisted by Cheerios. I'd like to give Trouty his props for doing a great Nelly. Aiiiiiii.

Oh yeah Sue and Finn are still awkwardly beefin. Apparently Sue was really protesting hard off camera about that calendar and Finn wanted to prove her hypocrisy by digging up her old Penthouse nude spread. Ok this was the dumbest thing ever. Stop it with this. Only good part of this was Finn saying "You can suck a hot one" with a straight face.

Also, Artie doesn't want to pose half nude. And Finn says to Artie- it's okay to say no. And it's okay that there's a part of yourself you want to keep private... maybe he was trying to send those thoughts to his long lost love Rachel Barbie Berry?

Speaking of slutty barbie, Rachel is in New York if you hadn't heard. And she is such a grown up!! Having sex with Brody and doing weird plays to break into the biz. Her most recent project requires a topless scene and she is TORN UP about it!! So torn that her old awesome self comes back to sing a duet with herself... about being torn in what I like to call Rachel vs. Lea Michele. This musical number came WAYYYY to soon in the decision-making process, (she can't really be "torn" less than 30 seconds after being presented with the dilemma) and the song battle didn't do much to persuade Lea Michele to keep her bra on- it would take more than a self-harmonized duet to do that. KUDOS TO GHOST RACHEL FOR TELLING LEA MICHELE THAT HER PORN STAR HAIR IS OUT OF CONTROL.

Enter Kurt, Santana and Quinn. HAVE AN INTERVENTION! HAVE AN INTERVENTION! YOUR FAMILY'S HERE! Also Brody was naked and Kurt was like oooooweeeee what's up with that. what's up with that. In the end, Rachel just wasn't ready to get down like that in front of a bunch of fat camera men/musicians so she marched out wearing her pink robe and rejoined Santana and Quinn in girl power and innocence! Does this mean the end of slut ass shallow Rachel? Here's hoping! And Santana is gonna move to NY it seems. Snaps for Satan.

So the Men of Mckinley stripped down to their skivvies, Rachel decided to keep her A cups under wraps, but it wasn't all about objectifying nude bodies this week- we also got naked emotionally and let it all hang out Jake and Marley style.

Brittany S. Pierce brought Marley on Fondue for Two and grilled her on her love/obsession with Hunger Games, Anorexia and Jake. So I guess this got Marley to thinking that she should EXPOSE herself since Jake was willing to get naked for a calendar. That's logical. So Jake and Marley had a secret monkey meeting in the auditorium where they sang the most lovely duet and Marley almost told Jake she loved him. And then Jake admitted to Ryder <3 that he loved Marley. Is this real? They have been dating for like 3 days. So then Jake sang the most AMAZING dedication jam to Marley in Glee Club accompanied by a string quartet and eventually it was revealed to each other the revelation that there love is revelatory. What is the deal with these two? Maybe we are supposed to be rooting for them so we will be crushed when Jake punches her out or something. He has an anger problem right? I do think they are cute together so I guess Ryan Murphy wins again.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B+

Not a super great episode, but I thought all of the musical performances were TOP NOTCH BABY. The McKinley stuff was a little all over the place, but I actually thought the Rachel/Kurt stuff made sense for their age and current status. Nice to see Quinn and Santana for 2 minutes.

Favorite Performance of the Episode Love Song performed by Rachel, Quinn and Santana. 100 million reasons why.

Close second and third: This is the New Year performed by the New Directions. So adorable- been jammin this song for the last week. It was just so clearly a song that Ryan Murphy liked and wanted to do and Let Me Love You performed by Jake. So good.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Torn performed by Rachel and Rachel. I didn't like it in the context of that point of the episode.

Favorite Moment(s) of the Episode Kurt being disgusted by Rachel and Brody at breakfast and of course Sam Evans with the classic line: "Well haters gonna hate."

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode Jar Jar Binks posing for the calendar. Also Finn sucks now so every time he did anything.

Other thoughts:

-Hot new co-anchor??? Can we say Puck!!!?!?!?
-Brittany's switch leap in This is the New Year still perplexes me. I guess she is being sarcastic.

-I wonder how long Quinn and Santana had to stand behind Rachel's door before she arrived
-Britt's Shoulda Been line: "You know how I know you are both hot? Because I've sexed both of you"

-Jake lookin at that Cheerio like why the hell are u spray tanning my half black ass

-Did Blaine forget that Tina loves him? Does he still love Sam? That hug was steamy

-Return of the neck brace girl!!! This has to be Ryan Murphy's niece or something right?

-Weird creepy piano music when Artie started talking about penthouse. Not cool.

Glist

1. Kurt

2. Sam

3. Blaine

4. Jake

5. Quinn

6. Santana

7. Rachel

8. Ryder

9. Sugar idk

10. Emma I just like her ok?

Next Week's Episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7GjzYF3iyk

DIVAAAAAAA work! take it to another level no passengers on my plaaaane