I'll never let go, Jack. Unless my hand gets cold & then I'm out

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These are the breaks... break it up break it up break it up BREAK DOWN!

Finally, after years of glorifying long-term teenage romances, Glee has come to their senses and finally made an episode that exposes the harsh reality of what happens after the snow falls in New Haven: Face it- post-honeymoon phase, most relationships SUCK and everyone should just BREAK UP!

Haha, no I'm just kidding, I'm sure some relationships are great (yeah right). But as someone who is SAF (or "single as a dollar bill" as my friend Pattle called me yesterday) all I have to say is: Leggo, Single girl swag, Imma do me, it's called a breakup not a breakdown, If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it, All my single ladies, and to the left to the left!

I will now give a single person's verdict of these break-up scenarios, because clearly I am the most qualified to analyze others' relationships. Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys.

If he doesn't call you for 4 months, he's just not that into you: A Finchel Story

Dun Dun Dun awk awk city bitch. Ah, it seems like only yesterday when Rachel and Finn were sharing their first awkward kiss in the auditorium... fast forward a few years, and it turns out the F in Finn stands for FAILURE, as that is what Finny Bear has become after pulling a Plaxico, being discharged from the army and "back-packing across Georgia." WTF does that even entail? Are you staying at Holiday Inns, eating at country diners and hanging with NeNe and Kim? Rough life, son. F also stands for FAVE SHIRT as Finn loves his baby blue Rugby shirt. Apparently during those 4 months by himself, he ran into a wise Samaurai who taught him the art of "popping up", or just showing up at your girlfriends apartment like nothing's wrong, and he did just that. ("You gotta POP UP. Don't come in there like 'what the hell is this?!' You have to walk in like nothing happened like 'Hey, what's up just stopping by to say Hi! and pop UP!" - Lauren Boswell). And his pop-up totally worked! Rachel seemed so happy to turn her life back into the Finnberry Show; she even let him sit in on her pointless dance rehearsals. (Kate Hudson must have been out this week because she never would have allowed that!) But Finn's insecurities once again got the best of him, and Finchel was forced to face the real issues going on in their "relationship":

Issue 1: Rachel made out with Brody

Issue 2: Finn needs Rachel to make him feel "special", and he is bringing nothing to the table right now, he can't even sing it out!

Issue 3: Finn is jealous of Rachel's success

Issue 4: Rachel cannot be taken seriously with that hair

Issue 5: Finn is a little bitch

Hey Finn, why you mad?  You set Rachel free! You uttered one of the corniest words in the English dictionary and made her "surrender," so shut thee fuck up! If she makes out with someone else, it's because YOU BROKE UP WITH HER, and it's because she wants to... and she's just not that into you anymore! And clearly you are not that into her either, if you didn't call her for FOUR FREAKING MONTHS. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that you broke up with her in the first place, but don't just change your mind because you aren't doing so well! That's the equivalent of packing your bags and leaving your husband and then it's starts raining so you're like "honey can I move out tomorrow morning instead?" No.

Verdict: Both parties are guilty. Finn is guilty of being indecisive and weak, Rachel is guilty of having ridiculous hair. Break-up forreals and let's revisit this again at Christmas ok?

Klaine's Pain: Neglect, Betrayal and Poking aka Why Don't You Love Me? When I Make Myself So Easy to Love?

Remember when Kurt used to wear his hair in a swoop and just wanted to kiss a boy for the first time? Now he can barely make time for a two-minute conversation with the most perfect human being on Earth, and BOOM another favorite couple in on the rocks! Blaine is feeling low, because Kurt has no time for him, so he also decides to POP UP POP UP in New York. Kurt is happy to see him, but notices that Blaine seems a little down in the dumps, dramatic and criminally INSANE whilst singing Teenage Dream, Karoke version. It turns out, Blaine is sad because he feels guilty for CHEATING ON KURT! GASP! Louder!!! what up sexy? nm here jc. love, internet Eli. So we are all supposed to be mad at Blaine right? WRONG. Cheating is wrong yadda yadda yadda, but I fully blame Kurt and I don't care I don't care I don't care. Blaine was self-sabotaging, probably so he could get a chance to see if Kurt even cared about him anymore! Breaking my heart/give my heart a break! :-( I love Blaine, and Kurt needs to wake up, smell the hair gel, and realize his role in this whole thing. If you are going to promise to make this long-distance relationship work, you need to hold up your end!

Verdict: Both are guilty. Klaine is guilty only because poking is ew and he needs to have some more self-esteem. Kurt is sentenced to life in prison for not appreciating the wondrous and powerful Blaine Warbler. So Kurt, forgive Blaine and get your act together!

Brittana, You're a great cheerleader it's just.. maybe you're not "Boyfriend Material"

Wow, this was thrown up in there like we cared wasn't it? Unlike the other idiot couples, Satana and Brit are actually trying to make it work long-distance. Satana comes home every weekend to hang with her GF and go to freaky apocalypse meetings with her. (Santana, you are missing out on some great parties... but okay.) But still, Brittany is not feeling satisfied. Why you mad Brittany? Why are you crying Heathaaaa? Santana is just trying to get her education and flirty smile on! So after a bunch of blah blah blah and one well-sung but irrelevant "break-up song" from Santana, they decided to break it off. As Becky Jackson would say... BORRRRING. Can't you get into a girlfight or something?

Verdict: They are both not guilty. Just shut up and dance, Brittany- the dance floor is your new lover and you need to make up for lost time.

Wemma, Shuddddup and get married already. I need another Glee Wedding in my life. I speak for everyone when I say NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS.

Letters of concern to Jake and Marley:

Dear Marley, you are too boring to stand. Please step up your game to make me care about you more so that every scene of Grease doesn't make me wish that Tina Cohen Chang was cast as Sandy. Better yet, just call up Olivia Newton John, she still got it! Let's get ethical!

Dear Jake, don't date Marley- she is boring.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B++

Best episode ever made? Did I watch the wrong episode by mistake or something? Another attempt by Ryan Murphy to try to make fetch happen. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but don't throw around "Best Episode Ever" like it's nothing. I can name 15 episodes off the top of my head better than this one, just tweet me if you would like to hear them in order. The songs were ill-placed, I would have put Teenage Dream as the closing number with Blaine by himself, reminiscing on his relationship, instead it was just awkward and embarrasing for him. And Give your heart a break should have been a story song with Brody telling her to giver her heart a break! The words so clearly applied to the plot of the episode!

Favorite Performance of the Episode: They were all let-downs after I spoiled the song list for myself (I blame the Bookie girl). But I'll pick "Give your Heart a Break" performed by Brody and Rachel. Damn you Demi Lovato you created a monster and this song will never not sound good!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: They were all disappointing but they were also all slightly good. I'll say Don't Speak performed by Finchel and Klaine because it was overly dramatic and boring.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: When Kurt fan kicked off the fountain and sprinted away during the "Dont Speak" performance"

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Finn back at McKinley... just say no to drugs dude.

Glist

1. Brody- for keeping it classy dude.

2. Kitty - You would have been number one had you not blasphemed Barack Hussein Obama, I say his middle name because it matters

3. Dottie, where have you been? Cuz I never see you out. We've been left behiiiiiiiiiiiiind!

4. Blaine- stop being weak gleeotch

5. Santana - she's still got it!

6. Sugar Motta Lives

7. Sam - trouty mouth is the show now

8. Jake - still hot

9. Emma (good for you I guess)

10. Sandy Ryerson (thanks Maggie for bringing up his name, now I can't get him out of my head)

Rachel Berry- you're OUT! YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US until you get a hair cut.

Other thoughts:

Why is Rachel wearing full makeup and flashes to bed?

"Dude u totally spooked me" - Finn

Another Sugar Motta- less episode... not cool

What the heck is up with travel costs for these fools? They just go from Lima to New York to Lima like it's nothing

Has Coach Beiste been in this season?

When is Kitty gonna join the club??? I wonder what her voice sounds like? 

Is Carrie Bradshaw done with her guest role or what?

Next New Episode:

SAAAAAANDY oh SAAAAANDY. If they screw up Grease then I have no hope. Although I saw Brody running in slow motion again so it can't be but so bad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjwCE1Cms4c

I Put a Bird in My Hair: Extreme Home F***over, Glee Edition

-->

Ladies and gentlemen, what you have just witnessed is what we in the blogging biz like to refer to as a "transition episode." No... just made that up, but it was a transition episode nonetheless- a filler to help us get over our hangover from last week's trainwreck of an episode about trainwrecks, and onto next week's "best episode ever done" (Murphy R., Twitter, 2012). So with all of our expectations lowered, let's embrace debate shall we? Who doesn't love a good makeover episode!?!?! And you get a makeover! And you get a makeover! All of my good days outweigh my bad days so I won't complain.

Where to begin? Fun and hilarious McKinley High or dark and adult New York?

Will and Grace are still adjusting to life in the city that never stops delivering pizza. Kurt seems to be killing it- and although he would never get that internship in real life, he has a wicked awesome boss/new BFF named Carrie Bradshaw, who has given up her life as a writer to work at Vogue.com. The bad news is, Kurt's new life as an intern who wears animal tails clipped to his belt loop is leaving his long-distance Blaine feeling sad and blue. But no time for relationships! We must makeover Rachel, because her clothes are holding her back apparently. Let's summarize:

Mean Girls: Omg Rachel, your leotard is like totally wack.

Rachel: Why is everyone always picking on me?I just want to fit in! (be a slut)

Devil on Rachel's Shoulder aka Kurt: Gurrrrrlll bye you better drop it like it's hot twerk stop and show some shoulder!

Carrie Bradshaw: Women come to New York for the two L's: Labels and Love

Rachel: Freakum freakum

Brody: Bow chicka wow wow

Charlotte York: I curse the day you were born!

Woops got a little off track.. but that basically touches all the main points.

Here is my issue with this makeover scenario. Number one, Rachel Berry is now just Lea Michele... you can't just play yourself on T.V! Unless you're Ray Romano or sumn. Also, just like Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus and Shia Labeauf, Rachel Berry is abandoning her adorable, spunky awesomeness in exchange for a "cooler" persona. If the Disney stars I just mentioned have taught us anything, it's that becoming obsessed with your looks and hip personality turn you into psychotic, frowning in red-carpet photos, pixie haired, Kardashian robot, anorexic weirdo! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I really hope that Rachel can find a happy medium between her schoolgirl awesomeness and this whisper talk/giggly fake hair slut. Be more like Taylor Swift, Rachel! And then you can tell Finn that you are never ever ever ever EVER EVER getting back together LIKE EVER. and that would make so much more sense... everyone knows that that Selena Gomez and Kim Kardash are needy and co-dependent so it just doesn't work with the storyline. Bottom line be yourself, be yourself, be yourself in every way.

Oh and she kissed Brody (get it girl) ... and Finn popped up (buzzkill). What will happen next?

Back on the farm... Blaine decided to become a superhero sidekick and teen wizard. Ten points for Gryffindor! (Right? Blaine would totally be in Gryffindor and Artie would be in Ravenclaw.) To help keep his mind off missing Kurt and their skype popcorn-eating sessions, Blaine challenged Brittany for Senior Class president, now let the antics begins! Brittany chose ex-boyfriend Artie as her VP, which is fine because she forgot that they dated, and he balanced out her ideas about school during summer and weekends. Blaine was kind of forced to take on Sam as his running mate, which turned out for the best because Sam's stripper dance to Party Rock Anthem once again proved irresistible and they WON! And hair gel lives! And even more important than winning, Sam and Blaine (Blam) found each other, and we were dressed from head to toe in love... the only label that never goes out of style. awwwww.

Oh and Brittany and Sam seem to have something in the works... so much to explore.

One subplot of this episode that noone probably cares about is Mr. Shue once again proving that it is never late to change careers. He is uninspired now that they won Nationals, and wants to become a crusader for the arts. Blah blah blah.  I loved this storyline because it allowed Glee to make fun of the ridiculousness that it allows everytime they compete. (Vintage/Anthem themes, allowing New Directions to sing more songs than other show choirs, Shuester has been out of ideas since Madonna week, etc.)

Overall Grade for this week's episode: A-

This week we moved from a 90% song/10% dialogue gleepisode to a mere 3 songs (I don't really count that SJP one or the Brittany/Sam one as a full song, so they only get half credit). I loved the humor and spotlight on Blaine and Sam!

Favorite Performance of the episode: Everybody wants to rule the world performed by Blaine. I mean there were only 3 to choose from but this was still good fsho.

Least Favorite Performance of the episode: Brittany and Sam. Brittany must you ruin every song with your talking with a tune and no makeup?

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Tie between"You know them as the Pimp and the Gimp" and when Becky refused to play the bells. Love it when glee remembers that this is a comedy!

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Rachel anywhere near a dance studio.

Glist (Week 3)
1. Blaine
2. Sam
3. Artie
4. Brody
5. Sugar - finally came to her senses and wants to date Artie!
6. Becky - Killed it with the PA announcement and stare down
7. Carrie Bradshaw- you are always fabulous beyond belief
8. Sue- the bitch is back
9. Rachel-  Sexy and Flirty Rachel is beyond annoying but I still love her

10. Kurt- I almost bumped you off but then I remembered that career comes first so I forgive. 

Other random thoughts:

-Rachel's laugh is SOOOOOOOO annoying

-Sue's debate performance was perfection

-Brittany looks a mess all the time...
-Blaine is perfect in every way, he best call Sebastian up
-I have been wondering if Blaine was gonna go back to Dalton- I wouldn't hate it

-Return of deaf guy helped me put together the nagging feeling of not being able to place him during the Glee Project finale!

Next Week's Episode:

Ryan Murphy better not disappoint. Rooting for all of these couples to break up except Wemma. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XA1a5KUB3w

Poop they did it again... don't hit me any more times

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Lawd this episode. Well the good news is...Glee Season 4, like Brittany S. Pierce and Britney Spears has hit rock bottom. So there's nowhere to go but up. You hit your bottom, Glee.

Ok, let's just get it all out there. And I say this out of love. People need to stop trying to make fetch happen. And by fetch I mean Britney Spears post-Toxic. She can't and could never sing, and although YES she changed my life and YES I know all the choreography to her various videos and live performances, all that's left of her is a slightly chunky, talent-less, bleached out and autotuned robot. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE BRITNEY I will jam out to Piece of Me while I'm getting ready and watch the Xfactor just to support, but that doesn't mean I'm trying to hear any of those later songs covered on Glee. But alas, this is what happened, and I am forced to try to take this episode seriously even though WE ALL KNOW this is just Ryan Murphy's way of re-living his home video Britney Spears productions. (We all have them.)

That being said, I love Ryan Murphy, and I do love Britney Spears despite the undeserved idol worship in the Glee Club, so I have braced myself for the inevitable hour-long tribute, part deux, in which we were taken through...DUN DUN DUN...

THE EVOLUTION OF BRITNEY SPEARS

We begin with Teeny Bopper Brit, who in this episode was portrayed by the closest thing Glee Season 4 can get to a Catholic School girl with a crush:  Marley. This good girl with a heart of gold comes complete with an "I love my mom" white board in her locker. WHAT. I say again, WHAT. I love my mom as much as the next girl but surrously? Marley is so boring I can't take it, and SURPRISE SURPRISE she has a crush on baby Puckerman whose name is escaping me right now. She decides he is cute, and then all of a sudden and despite warnings from the 40 Year Old Version of Unique, she is DRIVEN CRAZY by him. (That duet was Prettay kewl though) Girls are so stupid. Was this episode supposed to make me root for Marley and Baby Puck? Cuz I'm all about Kitty, at least she has some spice in her life. Marley was so hurt by Puckito's diss that she fast-forwarded all the way to crazed/suicidal Brit by the end of the episode. After Marley's somewhat loveable debut, how is it possible that I'm already over her character?? And I ain't cool with Marley getting the last song all the time. Moving on.

Next, we travel to NYADA for the Not that Innocent Britney, portrayed by everyone's favorite gold star Rachel Berry. This Britney phase is my personal fave, you know when she started doing scandalous performances and danced with snakes to show that she wasn't a boring virgin anymore. In the Glee World, Rachel attempted to draw comparisons to this coming-into-her-own, fierce, dancing Britney-esque girl, pretty unsuccessfully. Um Rachel still can't dance and the Glee writers need to accept that. Whatever. So Kate Hudson is even more of a raging lunatic that we thought- less because of her cell phone rant and more because she is teaching the tango in class. I still don't get what kind of dance class this is! She made Rachel sit out because she wasn't sexy enough, but Rachel was like nuh uh honey boo boo child! And did the most awkward and all over the place sex dance. Gwoss, I hate when dances simulate sex.

-->Perfect example. Kate Hudson still thinks RB is destined to perform the role of Shrek on Broadway, but at least things are going well with Brody Jenner and Kurt, now let's see how long it will take for her to CRACK. again again say crack again!

Which brings us to the Britney version that got the most shine and high praise this episode, Gross Sister Britney/Post- Popozao Britney. Brittany S. Pierce's flawless 2nd senior year hit a wall when she received an F- on a test, got kicked off the Cheerios, and got fuckin Federlined by Santana. (Nooo he made her break up with herself!) First thought- this isn't the first time Brittany has been without her high pony and Cheerios uniforms; she was wearing wack stuff all season 2. So why is she dressing like a homeless person this time around? Anyway, in order to get herself out of her doldrums, Brit decided to get to borderline psychopathic Britney in order to stage a comeback. Riiiiight. This all culminated is the EQUIVALENT OF SHOW CHOIR BLOOD DOPING... LIP SYNCING FOR YOUR LIFE. I will say, the Gimme More outfit and greasy middle part were spot on during the Pep Assembly. But really, what a waste. I love a good Glee Club Pep Assembly performance and that was a hot mess. In a puzzling twist, Sam Trouty Mouth Evans was the one to help Brittany get back on track? Glee's logic this episode is just beyond words.

So what have we learned from this episode? Ryan Murphy loves Britney Spears enough to sabotage his own show, Rachel Berry will never be sexy, and hitting rock bottom ain't always the way, people.

Overall grade for the episode. B-. If I didn't love glee so much i would give it an F minus. This is a high stakes season! We can't just be throwing away episodes. Glad we got this over with early in the year, though.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Shocking myself by saying this, but Three performed by Tina Cohen Chang, Teen Jesus and Trouty Mouth. Sounded good, and Boyfriend/Boyfriend was great but Blaine and Artie did not look like they were feeling themselves as much as usual. Prob because they realized this episode sucked.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Womanizer performed by Unique, Marley and Tina. This song has always annoyed me, and the gym class hot mess dancing didn't make it any better.

Favorite moment of the Episode 

Trouty Mouth opening his big Gigantic mouth in a welcoming gesture to homeboy. 

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode

Britney eating cheetos and drinking orange soda whilst performing. No clahss.  

Glist- Week 2

1. Brody - another successful week of being awesome.

2. Blaine - ditto on the me side.

3. Sam - Trouty mouth, trouthy mouth, what are they feeding you

4. Kitty- Got the Top Bitch spot and the Hot BF. Dare I say it? Winning!

5. Tina-  I see you getting your flirt on.

6. Kurt - God love ya.

7. Finn-  At least he is doing something with his life and not annoying me this week with Britney Spears songs.

8. Artie- you must save the club young padawan.

9. Piano guy-  Talk about a comeback 

10. Puck - you still can't act so good. But the gasp I let out when I say your face woke my neighbors up I'm sure. 

Random Thoughts:

-Ryan Murphy, Stop leaving Sugar Motta out of episodes. Don't be cheap-  pay her to sit in the background. 

-Leave Britney alone!

-Jacob's Bin Israel is just doing his job people! Don't hate the player hate the game. The game is the game.

-Glad Puck is doing so well that he can just fly back to Ohio for a 5 minute conversation with his half-brother who he just found out about. That was so lame.

-What up Emma!

Next week's episode. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojheBP6CTS8

I'm so confused about how predictable this episode looks. Let me guess, SJP gives Rachel a makeover? And the glee kids have a hilarious debate? Still excited fo life.

Guess Who's Back. Back again: Cuz it feels so empty without Glee!

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And we're baaaaaaaaack.  As if Friday mornings weren't already heavenly, now I get to watch Glee, too? I don't deserve this kind of freaky luck in my life!

For all my returning readers (Allison Perri Newman and probably 3 others), I hope I live up to the high bar you have set for my blogs. And to all you first-time readers... I am about to blab on a bunch of jibberish and inside jokes that you will not be able to understand so just Follow along white people!

For once, I tried to stay away from spoilers as much as humanly possibly before the premiere, which was impossible, especially after watching 2 hours of the X Factor (which is the weyudest show on planet earth) and following Ryan Murphy on Twitter. My expectations were low for this first episode, because both Season 2 and Season 3 premieres were WIGGEDY WIGGEDY WIGGEDY WACK. The title of this episode was the New Rachel (yes!) and it wasn't until halfway through that I understood the double meaning of this phrase! The New Directions need a "New Rachel" to be the star (well duh) AND Rachel Berry is becoming a "New Rachel" in New York via self-discovery and hot boys in towels! Let's Get Get Get it Poppin.

The New Rachels: McKinley Style

New school year at McKinley High School! Fresh of their Nationals victory, the New Directions are all Glee Studs and being courted by popular kids, cafeteria lady spawn, red-headed rappers and Vocal Adrenaline hot messes. Unique just up and left Jesse St. James (LOUDER! How could you?) and becomes a contender for the spot of new star of the Glee Club. Also in the running was Tina Cohen- Chang, who broke up with Mike..? I am usually all for this kind of single girl power but in this case Mike was upgrading you and now...just wamp. But power to the people, you can get your groove back. And Rachel was just being nice before- she would never endorse you, Tina. Brittany S. Pierce is also back in action... ok get out of here you can't sing, and Blaine (Sigh..... <3) clearly this fake competition is yours for the taking. & I didn't think it was possible, but Glee made Call Me Maybe even better AND made me love Blaine even more- which is why he was an obvious choice (thank you Artie) for the New Rachel.

Once that was settled, it was time to beef up the New Directions; they still need 12 people to compete right? Enter Marley, who was not only rocking a freaking taxi driver hat that should have been outlawed in the 1930's but is the daughter of the lunch lady! SCANDAL! (I'm not really grasping the genetics on that mother/daughter pair but we'll go with it.) But it turns out she can sing- and her Walmart swag made the New Directions go back to being nice to people again and getting slushied. So is Marley the new Rachel? I mean she got the solo and did the dramatic arm raise at the same time as RB so... I'm just trying to piece together the symbolism. Other noteworthy auditions included an awesomely hilarious rapper "Lil Wayne Lil Wayne" and baby Puckasaurus also known as "Just Jake". I mean really? I literally put my hand to my forehead in obsession upon hearing his first note. What we know about Jake: He is Puck's secret half brother, he has a chip on his shoulder, his dad is a former NBA Player (did I hear that right?), he is hot and he can sing. But the chip on his shoulder could make him a challenge for Mr. Shue... and the plot thickens.

In other news- Kurt is a pathetic and depressing townie. Trust me I know the feeling and have witnessed it first-hand: the dance team girl who just can't let go! I mean just last week I was at the bottom of the hill for an entire football game looking like a groupie trying to relive my glory days. We gotta move on, Kurt! And thanks to the world's greatest Dad, Burt Hummel, Kurt decided to leave his career as a barista and Glee club consultant and move to New York to do.... something. Not sure on that one yet but I'll get back to you.

The New Rachel: NYADA style

And who was in New York waiting for Kurt? None other than the original Rachel herself... Rachel. After choking on Kate Hudson promos for the last month, it was hard for me to care about these supposed "cut-throat" dance classes. I did like that Kate Hudson is an alcoholic, but even drunk she is right that Rachel needs to work on her pique turns. Why are they only doing pique turns? Who even does them anymore? Also, Rachel's roomie is a slore! Wish we could have met her, Michelle, any thoughts? But Rache made a new friend- and a HOT junior at that! Watch out now Finn, who hasn't called her in 2 months???? And she is still holding a candle for him?? Actually I can totally relate to that, poor Rachel. But good news- she NAILED her HUNGER GAMES REAPING!  I VOLUNTEER! And the sound of her voice gave me immediate chills. But by the end, she had CRACKED like an egg and needed her bestie, Kurt. Say crack again. And like a good neighbor, State Farm is there! With a gay best friend standing on the opposite end of a fountain.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A. I was truly shocked how great it was, considering Glee's Episode 1 history! I actually love the current Glee club, even though I miss Quinn, Finn and Puck, and love Rachel's New York Life, besides her annoying dance class. Woo Season 4 is on bitches.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: It's Time performed by Blaine. Nothing can beat a combination of step dancing, cup percussion, double dutch jump ropes and Blaine Anderson. Never seen double dutch look so effortless, Blaine clearly needed to tutor the kids from the Glee project. Lilly couldn't even turn the rope without getting out of breath. EYE OF THE TIGER!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Americano/Dance Again performed by Kate Hudson (forgot her character's name.) I'm just not that into you Kate Hudson!

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Not gonna lie, seeing Jacob Bin Israel's face pop up on the screen made me all kinds of happy.

Least Favorite Moment: I honestly can't think of one. Wow. Great ep!

Here is my Glist from week one, a way of ranking these fictional characters who rule my life. If you ain't on the Glist you ain't shit.

Glist Week 1
1. Blaine. for being perfect in every way
2. Jake. seriously, why can't there be guys like him in real life?
3. Rachel Berry. You are everything... totally believable in NY, love ya girl!  

4. Kurt.
5. Sam. "Bella i love you. And im a werewolf."
6. Sugar Motta. Triumphant return in a leopard hoodie
7.  Marley.
8. Artie.

9. Brody.  Again, where is ur equivalent walking around the mean streets of DC
 10. Mr. Shue. I'm proud of you! Look at your little club!

Random Thoughts:

-Rory Flanagan they dropped you like it was hot! Hopefully Blake will not suffer the same fate.

- Sue has a newborn and a Kitty Kat.

-Why u gotta hate strong black women for?

-Kate Hudson's abs, didn't she just have a baby? ftw

-Unique, if you're gonna go drag, don't dress like a 40 yr old mom! I could have sworn you were NeNe Leakes for a second

-Ok, this could have turned out bad but after Marley revealed that the lunch lady was her mom that was a perfect time for the bullies to come in with some "Yo mommas so fat" jokes

-I don't even read other Glee blogs anymore because I think mine is far superior

-Did Whoopi just tell a girl she couldnt go to college anymore?

Next Week's Episode

It's Britney Bitch! Fox is really milking the Britney cow dry! My dream songs would be "Lucky" "Drive Me Crazy" and "Don't Let me be the last to know" Can't Wait!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIIBQLrhOi4

Class of Two Thousand & Glee: I Wuz Here?

Holy Shit.

Glee Finale People! The End of an Era! What a way to go… with kind of a lame episode that ended with a bang.

This episode took us through each Senior’s transformation and future plans, but I don’t really think that did it them all justice. So therefore I will do the job that they failed to do. Here we go.

Let’s start with the least important senior: Mercedes Jones.

Haha I’m just kidding, Mike Chang is clearly an afterthought- he didn’t even have his own inner monologue. Matter of fact I have nothing to say about him, except that they REALLY could have made me cry with a goodbye scene between Tina and Mike. They were so obsessed with each other!!! Grrr. Fail #1 Glee Season 3 Finale. 

Mercedes Jones

In my opinion, Mercedes has changed the least through her 3 years in the Glee Club. She still dresses wack as hell, but at least her hair has VASTLY improved. She was always a great singer, and now she has a “recording contract” to show for it. She totally screams back-up singer to me so I have to thank Kentucky-Fried Stripper for pointing her on the path of righteousness. Ok, I’m being a bitch. Mercedes has been a great member of the cast, what having become a worthy Rachel Berry rival, befriending Quinn in her time of need, rocking Cheerios lady pants, and protesting cafeteria bans on tater tots. And our lives will never be the same after “Hell to the No”, not to mention she gave me my Nationals routine song. I’m not sure if we will follow her journey to L.A., but she was a great original member and I will miss her Jennifer Hudson wannabe ass.

All-Time Favorite Mercedes Performances: Take Me or Leave Me (Comeback) Aint No Way (Night of Neglect)

Noah Puckerman

One of my favorite Glee characters ever, and someone who I plan on stalking in real life if I ever get the time. I love Puck, and over the last 3 years he has really just given us the unexpected, from being in love with Quinn (which was my favorite storyline EVER), to breaking up Finn and Rachel, to dating Mercedes AND Lauren Zizes, to screwing a teacher. In “Goodbye,” Puck passed his exam with a Puckerman A  (C Minus) and now he is qualified to move to L.A. and clean pools…. Good for him? I do know that he did a great job being the lead singer of that odd graduation ceremony in which names were called in random order and everyone danced on stage haphazardly. Glee Stud with a heart of gold. 

All-Time Favorite Puck Performances: Fat Bottomed Girls (Silly Love Songs) and his part in Run Joey Run (Bad Reputation) #trugenius

Quinn Fabray.

Oh, Lucy Caboosy… I think we all can agree that your transformation is complete. I know many people hate Quinn, but I love her almost as much, (and at times more) than Rachel Berry. No one has ever rocked a high pony or a baby bump quite like her. However, I am not satisfied with how they closed out her high school career. Everyone knows that I am obsessed with Quinn and Puck being together and the fact that they just threw that in there for 5 minutes in the season finale just infuriated me. Reallllly? Of course she loves him, but the fast-talking and pity kiss made it so unbelievable! Gosh dammit, Glee. However, the Sue goodbye was good and warranted, so I appreciated that. And I do love the RB and Quinn friendship, although they have really been neglecting that storyline lately.  Whatever, I guess they can’t do it all. I hope we get to see Quinn date the future President of the United States or something next season. (I assume she is coming back, if not I will be on suicide watch.)

All-Time Favorite Quinn Performances: I Don’t Want to Know (Rumours) I Feel Pretty/Unpretty (Born This Way)

Brittany S. Pierce ain’t graduating. She has a 0.0 GPA hahahhahah. Good one, Glee. See you next year IDIOT. Maybe you an Artie can have another go?? Love triangle between you Artie and Tina? I really need to send letter to Ryan Murphy.

Santana Lopez

Gloria Estefan, your presence was SO unnecessary, but you wrote my mom’s favorite song so I will say you did a fine job. Ok Santana is one of the most awesome characters ever, hated her for a while, but can’t deny that talented bitch. She has decided to forego her made -up fairytale scholarship to Louisville to move to New York and become a star. #Truidiot. I was waiting for her to be on the train when RB stepped on, but I guess she had to take the megabus. She is still more into Brittany than Brittany is into her, but sometimes it be's like that. I can see her kicking it with Lilo and Demi Lovato in New York in the future so let’s make it happen cap’n. I’ll miss you sandbags.

All-Time Favorite Santana Performances: Valerie (Special Education) River Deep Mountain High (Duets)

Kurt Hummel

I can’t say enough about what this character has done for this show. Kurt Hummel has single-handedly turned my life views around and I think it’s incredible that a fictional show can do what it has done with such a powerful story. I love Kurt in every way imaginable. And every scene that Kurt and Burt have done together has been grool, including tonight’s shoutout to the Queen herself, in a touching moment of full-circle acceptance and father/son love. Unfortunately, Kurt did not get into NYADA, which comes as a complete shock considering Whoopi seemed to love his performance. Maybe she was at Nationals like where is homeboy in the gold pants? Oh he is in the back? 100 points off! But on the bright side- he still has Blaine- who is the most perfect human being to ever grace the planet earth. Here’s hoping he still makes it to New York- I honestly think he will- Glee isn’t that heartless right????

All-Time Favorite Kurt Performances: Rose’s Turn (Laryngitis) Happy Days Are Here Again (Duets)

Finn Hudson

Or maybe Glee is that heartless. In a shocking turn of events, Finn decided to break up with Rachel, on the day of their wedding no less! But it wasn’t from a place of normal asshole guy evil... after he found out he wasn’t getting into acting school (well no shit, Sherlock) he didn’t want to hold his bride-to-be back from what was clearly her destiny. This decision encompasses all that Finn has been for the past 3 years, a really genuinely good guy who always ultimately does the right thing. And although we probably all felt that his decision to go to the Army and redeem his dad while leaving Rachel was the best for the both of them… that scene in the car may have been the saddest of my life. Oh wait, then he ran with the train? I’m crumbling into a ball on the floor. I truly can’t believe they broke Finchel up… but I’m oddly okay with it. What a way to go- can’t wait to see what he sings about in the army…? Finchel... it's been real.

All-Time Favorite Finn Performances: Faithfully (Journey) and I Don’t Want to Know (Rumours)

Rachel Berry

As I have been telling you all for years, Glee is all about Ms. Rachel Berry. Which I why I have a playlist dedicated to Rachel called “Ms. Rachel Berry” and a life-size cut-out of her in my apartment. (To be fair, I also have Santana and Kurt playlists named “Satana” and “Everything’s Coming Up Kurt”…but I digress.) It turns out, all of her hard work, psychotic habits, scheming, sabotage and persuasion paid off and she was the only one of the threesome who got into her school of choice. I was full of glee when she got accepted! Of course she got accepted! She is RACHEL FUCKING BERRY! But when she said she was going to defer for a year to stay with Finn and Kurt, I wanted to wring Ryan Murphy’s skinny neck for portraying her as a dependent weakling who was giving up everything for dependency on her friends. Thank God her boyfriend is a gem, and now she is able to spread her wild oats in the big apple. Bless you, Finn, for letting this gold star shine again. Rachel Berry, I can’t wait to see you yucking it up with Sarah Jessica Parker next season and I can only hope that you live with Santana and sing each other lullabies at night. McKinley High will never be the same. But where were your gay dads in this ep? Not cool.

All-Time Favorite Rachel Performances: (this is so difficult) Don’t Rain on My Parade, (Sectionals) My Man, (Funeral) Happy Days Are Here Again (Duets)

Overall Grade for the Episode: A-

The last scene with Rachel and Finn was amazing, but I can’t get over the rushed Quinn/Puck scene and the lack of the best song for this episode ever: I WAS HERE. That is probably the worst mistake Glee has ever made. Like… what? I’m sorry it is going to take me weeks to get over that poor choice of final song. Roooooooarrrrrrr!!!!!

My Top 10 Favorite Performances of Season 3: (and don’t think I just came up with this… I have been making a playlist all season)

10. Wedding Bell Blues performed by Emma. I’m sure no one likes that but me haha.

9. Love Shack performed by mostly Blaine and Kurt.

8. Never Can Say Goodbye performed by Quinn.

7. Paradise by the Dashboard Light performed by New Directions

6. Shake it Out performed by the Muses (Tina, Santana and Mercedes)

5. I am the Greatest Star performed by Kurt Hummel

4. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face performed by Tina, Mercedes, Santana and Rachel

3. I can’t go for that/You make my dreams come true performed by the New Directions

2. How Will I know performed by Rachel, Mercedes, Kurt and Santana

1. We Are Young performed by the New Directions. Radio has killed this song but the performance still makes me teary-eyed.

My Top 10 Episodes of Season 3:

10. The First Time

9. Mash-Off

8. Prom-Asauras

7. On My way

6. Choke

5. Heart

4. Asian F

3. Hold On to Sixteen

2. Yes/No

1. Nationals

This season has been weird… so different from other seasons and was definitely cheapened by the introduction of Rory and Long-haired boy. But I love the characters, and I loved what they did with everyone at least at one point or another. It’s going to be a long summer… but hopefully I will have paparazzi pictures of Lea Michele and Cory Monteith to keep me occupied.

Thanks for reading my blog- Kate, Allison and Sarah Arnall. Hahaha. 

Scalps 3 1/2: Revenge of the NATINALS (misspelled on purpose get w/ the program)

I’m just going to come right out and say that "Nationals" was the best episode of the season. I am hesitant to even blog about this because I might forget something epic and then will forever taint my memory of the episode! Oh well, gotta do it.

So everything kicked off at Nationals in Chicago, where the New Directions had several obstacles between them and their 1^st place trophy:

-Mercedes has the H1N1 Virus

-Puck is studying for his geography exam and members of New Directions are at each other’s throats

-Unique is a celebrity in the show choir circuit! And Jesse St. James is far superior to everyone in New Directions

-Whoopi Goldberg might not show up

-Quinn’s legs may or may not work

-Mr. Shue is lacking confidence 

-The Troubletones still exist

Just going to throw some thoughts at you because I can't contain them!  I loved the pep talks and the Sue and Shue bonding for the kids. I love that Santana was so into it- remember when she was Sue’s spy for like 2 years? I LOOOVVVE those Nationals dresses. Looked great on everyone!! Far cry from THESE disasters. Now onto the performances.

New Directions:

Edge of Glory -What a surprise… the Troubletones were boring and waved their arms around a lot. Is that there trademark move or something? And I’m confused…Why don’t the nameless and faceless Troubletones get to be in the group huddle with everyone else? Do they have to stay in separate hotel rools? This is a civil rights protest waiting to happen. They were aight. Mercedes and Santana sounded great minus the flailing.

It’s all coming back to me now. Ok. Do I even need to explain? Yes I do. Rachel Berry has performed so many solos on this show, and this was almost as good as my personal favorites “Don’t Rain on my Parade” and “My Man.” Not as good, but almost and a great improvement from her horrible regionals solo. She performed it exactly right and tried to sound just like Celine Dion, which is all I ask of you RB! And damn she killed it. And it was kind of symbolic, right?, the feeling of being a star and performing was coming back to her after giving up on her dreams last week? LLLLLoved it. But where was Rachel’s traditional “Ladies and Gentlemen. The new Die-rections” at the end?

Dashboard Paradise “Vintage.” HOLY SMOKES. LOVED IT. So cute and amazing. Can’t wait to learn the words to this. Rachel and Finn, Puck sang. Santana and Brit. Kurt and Blaine. Rachel was on fire. Just phenomenal.

Vocal Adrenaline

I didn’t pay close attention to these but all I know is Unique did a split. Oh and Unique had stage fright. DON’T COME FOR ME. And I love Jesse St. James. My only wish is that he join Finn Rachel and Kurt at NYADA.

The Judges

Weird guy, Perez Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. I am not a Lindsey Lohan fan by any means but every time I hear her voice I am taken back to a special place and time. JAMBO. Also when did Perez get so skinny? Celebrity Fit Club? Scales don’t lie! Great back-and-forth in the judges deliberation room. This episode just brought the noise and brought down the house in every way.

The Verdict

New Directions were clearly better, and they won it all. Spoiler Alert. Woops. Cue the slow motion cheering, confetti and smiles. Moments that made me cry included: Rachel hugging Mr. Shue (remember when they were always at odds Season 1), Sue holding up the Hunger Games signal to the stage, Emma looking on with pride, Santana tackling Artie in his wheelchair. Just stop it now. Too good.

But the best moment for me, of course occurred back in the halls of McKinley. So I’ll go ahead and skip to my Favorite Moment of the Episode, and maybe of my life: When the Glee Club returned to McKinley. Slow motion confetti slushies. Jocks hugging Kurt. Cheerleaders and Rachel. Random girl getting Rachel’s autograph. That scene is what Glee is all about. Kids who were lost in the world coming together and kicking ass! Roooarrr I’m so pumped up with positive energy right now!

Oh and Emma and Will had sex. That was an interesting part to insert in there. It was my pleasure. Literally. Hahahaha oh Wemma.

But it ain’t over yet yall. We have one final scene to make Rachel cry her make-up off even more before she goes to work. (And by Rachel I mean me, the original Rachel before Rachel Berry was created.) The scene came to us courtesy of the Teacher of the Year award, which borrowed from Season 1’s finale and the kids poured one out for the homie Will Shuester. Say what you want about the man, but he loves his kids. (Maybe too much). I just loved the whole damn thing, especially the hug line, in which the extra long hug to Kurt Hummel caused me to burst out into uncontrollable tears. I need to become tougher over this summer hiatus, clearly. What a way to end. Flawless.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A+++

Wonderful from start to finish. Gave me all those Glee moments that I (literally) live for.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Dashboard Paradise. Got everyone involved, but highlighted my girl. It was epic.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: The Ping Pong song. I zoned out.

I have no least favorite moment because it was all so great. I’m all a-twitter with happy tweets.

Other Thoughts:

-Finn was sooooo sweaty during his Nationals performance

-What is New Directions Bubbly? They were definitely getting crunk in the choir room

-Unique is coming to McKinley??

-Sue with the two Hunger Games shoutouts. Idhi.

-Jesse St. James is a class act and I love him so much.

-I wonder if after a lovey-dovey Finchel scene, Cory Monteith takes Lea Michele aside and says “I really meant what I said in that scene.” Hahaha these are the things that I think about.

-Does that same show choir announcer travel around to every competition in the universe?

-The unholy trinity- Love it.

-Did you notice how they tried to spotlight Finn’s dancing?? Haha good job Finn

-Most of the New Direction’s choreography consists of them running circles around each other but I love it so much

-Unique has topped everyone in the world as the most dramatic person of all time

-The “higher than any other” in Starships bothered me so bad.

-Principal Figgins is once again the MVP of every episode ever.

Next Week’s Episode:

Might all my dreams come true in one episode??? I can’t wait, but alas I never want this season to end!!!! I cried during the preview. Please watch and relate. Relax, relate, release! Please let Sandy Ryerson be in this episode. Commencement speech?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7IQBp1Wz88

Prop Prop Americano: Luca Brasi Swims with the Fishes

Jenna Uskowitz fans must have been raising hell or something for this episode to have occurred. “Props” was good, but I can barely focus on this episode when I just want to watch Nationals over and over and over and over again. So I will quickly recap/judge and then on to the next one.

So here’s the deal. Rachel sang. Tina sang. Some people switched bodies and other crap happened. That’s basically the jist but read on if you must.

We kicked it off with Rachel Berry putting on her best baby voice in a typical self-indulgent and slow motion interpretation of one of my favorite songs of 2012 “I Won’t Give Up.” This is probably the only Rachel Berry cover that I don’t like more than the original. Jason Mraz holla!  This episode confirmed what you should all know and accept by now- it’s all about Rachel, she is the best, she is amazing, etc. Last week she said that her dream died, but this week she wasn’t going to give up on us!! (her and herself? Or the New Directions, I think she was referring to herself and her dreams). So in typical Rachel Berry fashion, she started stalking Whoopi Goldberg to get another chance at NYADA. There has to be another school Rachel, let’s broaden our horizons a bit? But whatever. All I have to say is that Rachel is Glee. Glee is Rachel. Everyone else can be mute for the rest of the show’s run for all I care. GOOOOO RACHEL.

Tina Cohen-Chang aka Girl Asian aka the Human Prop was not too keen on this school of thought, which exposed us to an odd relationship/dynamic between Rachel and Tina that left me feeling embarrassed for Cohen Cohen Chang Chang. They made it seem like Tina sits at home thinking about Rachel and putting pins in her Rachel Berry voodoo doll whilst Rachel combs her hair while singing to the mirror. WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH ME? Tina decided that she could do anything RB could do and she was FED UP!!

Tina… let me break it down for you. You can’t do what Rachel can do. The reason you don’t get solos is because you’re not even the 8^th best singer in your club. Rachel is the least of your problems.  And you ain’t gonna be the lead next year either, so sorrrry about it.

That being said, she did a very nice job on "Because You Love Me." I really enjoyed her hitting those high notes, though I couldn’t help but imagine Rachel Berry singing the notes with more fervor and intensity. (Luckily I got my fair of CELINE DION who is married to Rene Angelil., for the night.) And in the end, Tina accepted her role as a back-up singer... which to me seemed a little bit like... bitch what? After all that you are just going to sew her costumes again? Lesson learned: Know your place. (???) Alll right.

In other news… two worlds collide, when Puck and Beiste both find themselves wielding Brandon Warren knives to defend themselves from jocks (I'm just a jock).

Turns out, things hadn’t really gotten better between Coach Beiste and Coooter Maaayyynkin, star of 21 Jump Street. After 3 of the muses made Beiste feel bad for staying with her hubby, she finally packed up and left, but not before ripping him a new cooter. Ew sorry had to do it.  When Beiste came onto Glee in Season 2 I never in my wildest dreams thought she would do such a grool job- but she was awesome yet again. Suck it Cooter! I hope your recruit de-commits! 

Puck aka Lola aka Punkin also had a breakdown. Rick the Stick hit him wear it hurts, and called him the same name that Quinn did oh so many years ago: “Lima Loser.” OH YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE!! DON’T NOBODY CALL ME A LIMA LOSER!!! Come on guys, we are ALL losers. The Glee Kid Rock sign is an L on your forehead. Nevertheless, a street fight broke out, and after Puck rose from the ashes (dumpster), he wielded a PROP knife (circle fits the square) and that really made him look like a bad ass. (I would have gone with twirling baton, but that's just me.) Beiste comforted Puck in an awesome Punkin moment and this all culminated in a freaking great TAYLOR SWIFT NUMBER AND I AM SITTING HERE WONDERING WHY THEY HAVEN’T DONE MORE T SWIZZLE ON GLEE!

And amidst all of this excitement- it was FWEAKY FWIDAY and everyone switched bodies! (for about 5 seconds).

Here are some of my highlights of the body swapping: 

-Puck doing the Blaine aware eyes.

-Artie had a ponytail

-Kurt’s finn face during Tina’s performance. I die.

-Kurt mocking the annoying pep talks that Rachel and Finn have to give each other to survive every episode

-Quinn NAILED her Sugar Motta  impression about 50 times in 3 minutes.

-Santana doing Artie’s church wave hahahahahahhaha

Overall Grade for the Episode: A

Hilarious. Puck and Beiste were MVPs.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Mean performed by Beiste and Puck.  Despite Puck’s high-pitched nerd voice at the beginning, I loved it.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: What a Feeling performed by RB and her less talented counterpart Tina Cohen Chang. Have always hated that song. I blame JSOD.

Favorite Moment of the Episode:

Kurt yelling oooh Get her! Get her! When Tina feel into the coy pond.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Mercedes as Brittany. Let’s never speak of that fat cat again. 

Other thoughts:

-Jersey shore Halloween costumes. I love Kurt.

-Of course Sue is driving the Nationals bus.

-You will wear this flapper dress and perform at nationals as lady porcelina

-Mike Chang’s middle name is Robert… fun fact for all you fans outs there

-I need to see The Artist

-Artie is my favorite person in the Glee Club right now because he is single.

-Tina should have taken that 50 dollar bribe and shuuuuuuddddup