#HaveNone of the Lights: Bourree Monster Strikes Again

The power is out! Hasn't this school been through enough?? The humanity!

Yes, Glee created an episode on the premise that the lights went out so everyone has to cope with that musically... take a moment to digest it and move on. Let's assume that the darkness and lack of electricity was a metaphor for baring your soul and being innovative in music without the bells and whistle. Assume that was the point of this ridiculously- themed ep and let's go.

If all of you have been racking your brain asking yourself  "Is Ryder an idiot?" the answer is yes. Yes he is.  He still doesn't know who the catfish is.. even though he knows it is someone in Glee Club (or is it?) and yet he is STILL continuing to carry on a catfishian relationship with this person. Ummm, hey Ryder- why don't you just stand up in front of the club and say HEY GUYS WHO THE FUCK IS CATFISHING ME RIGHT NOW. OUT WITH IT. Instead he is just making himself look like more and more of a certified idiot by not finding out, and by telling all of his secrets at awkward times for no reason.

And his secrets did come out this episode, but let's rewind and work our way up to that incredibly awkward confession.

The lights went out, so Mr. Shue made everyone sing acoustic songs. Woooooo shutup. Trouty Mouth sang first and then randomly got in a tizzy about the merits of being able to function as an Amish (you were conceived to that depressing ass song??) and I cannot see anything that anyone is doing on the screen because THE LIGHTS ARE OUT AND IT IS DARK. So basically we hear and not see the following things unfold:

Ryder wants to find out who the catfish is, so he devises a sneaky plan to reveal his deepest darkest secret so that he can see the look on his glee club members faces, because the person who is NOT surprised would expose themselves as the catfish since they already know his deepest, darkest secret. Some of the best logic I have ever seen on Glee. So he sings a depressing song with full orchestration (thank God, Mr. Shue, I don't know what we would have done without that full orchestration) about everybody hurting, which seems like it now could to apply to everyone getting slushied. What... I thought they were popular now that they won Nationals, but apparently not- they are still Nerd Fergusons and everybody hurts. For a second I thought that his deep dark secret was that he was the one behind the slushy-ing for the last 3 years or that he was on this secret show before high school called The Glee Project Season 2 but it turns that he was molested by his 16 year old babysitter as a child. LOUDER.

Ok by the way during this episode everyone was doing a lot of texting, which I'm surprised I even noticed since the screen was PITCH BLACK but the biggest texters were def Kitty Kat and Artie so they are my front-runners for Catfish of the Year.

So back to Awkward City, Ryder was molested, but his male friends don't think it was so bad because his babysitter was a girl and he basically was getting acting as an 11-year old so he should be proud. (We should have known that this Glee Club doesn't think much of child molestation because of all of the Michael Jackson worship. ZING.) Overall, this was just so uncomfortable and awkward. This kid Ryder has some issues. Mainly because he chose to tell everyone in his extracurricular activity about the child molestation, but also because his decision to tell everyone was based on the premise that this would help him figure out who the catfish was which failed miserably because UMMM IT'S DARK AS FUCK THE LIGHTS ARE OUT GENIUS so he couldn't see anyone's reaction. hahahahaah as I wrote that I just cracked up laughing THIS SHOW IS BONKERS YALL and I love it.

All the while, Kitty is looking at Ryder with some crazy eyes, and it turns out that she has also been molested, so they go on a date and bond and it is actually pretty sweet in an icky and depressing way. I'm not opposed to this combo. (Puck broke up with her apparently. Kitty, that is no reason to tell lies; Puck is beautiful and always will be so bite your tongue.) But THEN later when Kitty tries to take Ryder out to Subway (awwwwwww) he ditches her so he can spend more time catfishing on the interweb. So if you are here trying to figure out this mystery with me, it would seem as though Kitty is NOT the catfish because he was "pinging" Cattyfish almost the exact same time he was talking to Kitty. But then it also could be plausible that she IS the catfish and is just a really fast texter and the reason she is getting so upset is that she doesn't know how to tell Ryder that she is the Fish of Cats. Either way, it seems as though Kitty really likes Ryder, and he is just confused about life so I'm sure by the next two episodes all will be revealed and we can finally get some closure on this awkward situation that has taken place at McKinley High. What if they carried this mystery out until Season 5 I think I would throw myself in a lake.

***UNNECESSARY BUT YET COMPLETELY SATISYING PLOT ALERT***

Artie got inspired by both Sam's Amish lifestyle and the sweet sound of a crunching water bottle and got everyone to perform "We Will Rock You" with household items which was COMPLETELY stupid until Jake the Snake decided to tap dance and turn and make it all worth it!

In completely unrelated and unimportant news: Sue is no longer a teacher or cheerleading coach, she is an aerobics instructor for a sexually charged group of twenty-somethings and Blaine. Coach Roz and Becky Buckwild are not getting along, mostly because NeNe thinks Becky is Sue's full grown baby child teenager, and Becky makes fart noises everytime NeNe blinks. I am too tired and burnt out to even try to understand that aerobics class, or why anything is happening with these characters so I am just going to erase it from my memory, only to be reminded of it again in about 5 minutes when I re-read this blog several times.

And in this week's daily dose of NY life in 5 points.

1. Rachel and Kurt have an intervention with Santana because she has become a cage dancer and is not using her talent to the fullest. "You are the most talented person I know, obviously with the exception of me and Kurt." TDODO.

2. Izzy (SJP) is still's Kurt's boss and she invited him and his friends to come work VIP aka sing on stage at the NYC Ballet Gala.

3. Burt Hummel is doing better- thanks for the update Glee.

4. Apparently, Rachel, Kurt and Santana were all transformed in their younger years by taking ballet class. All 3 of your teachers should be fired and punished for the dancers that you turned out to be. And now Santana loves to dance. And looks amazing and just like CeCe from New Girl.

5. Santana and Izzy aka SJP were up on stage talking shit about their parents. Disrespectful. Kurt and Rachel had supportive parents so they will have none of that.

That's all folks.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B

There was just like no point for half of the shit that transpired and I couldn't see half of what was going on because you know, the lights were out.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: The Longest Time performed by the New Directions. Saved the musical performances thank God. Also Mr. Shue snaps weird.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Little Girls performed by Sue Sylvestor. I will never get back those 3 minutes.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: By far Jake tap dancing and doing 13 turns in a row. I rewound and repeated several times. FINALLY!

Least favorite moment of the Episode: Sue doing everything that she did. Mainly singing that damn song. Although I do know what it feels like to have your life controlled by little girls what up #AUDTREPRESENT

Other thoughts:

-Why does Glee promote scenes that aren't even in the episode like the one of Blaine trying to get the truth out of Becky Buckwild?

-Brittany took the week off to go get impregnated

-Sugar hasn't been in an episode in like a year and a half

-How are we supposed to believe that Sam Evans knows who Phil Spector is?

-Jessica Sanchez yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

-Sam should never be serious again

-My favorite quote of the night: (Yours truly as I was taking notes): "Wtf is this the land of idiots" -Rachel Southall

-Figgins always coming with the classic lines: "Your brains are to remain in the on position"

-Tina holding it down with her 1 line per episode. She is graduating in 2 episodes are they going to try to make it seem like she will be missed

-I can't beleive they mentioned Artie singing a Miguel song but didn't pull the trigger!

Glist:

1. Jake (snaps)

2. Kurt

3. Blaine

4. Sam

5. Kitty

6. Rachel

7. Santana

8. Coach Roz

9. Artie

10. SJP

Next Week's Episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPMtR8GzOkE

Very Confused that a tribute episode is the 2nd to last one of the season. Looks like Kurt and Mersizzle are back and that Blaine is going to propose. And Kate Hudson. (meh) This episode could be great, horrible, or average, or any other adjective you can think of

In American Idols news:

Mariah Carey must go. Keith Urban is a little ladybug (in a great way) and Nicki Minaj actually makes sense and looks amazing.

My favorites:

1. Amber

2. Angie

3. Candice

4. Kree

Kreedom needs to get out of there! She looks so bored and scared. Angie is #inittowinit as they say so I believe the top 2 will be Angie and Candice.

Amber should win because she is the most believable as a real artist but Angie is really getting me week after week so we shall see!

Also, why isn't Jimmy Iovine a judge???? Maybe they told him he would have to take off that backwards cap and he was like NO DEAL.

#seacrestout

#TakeAShotForGlee: Alone in the world with a little Catfish. Dreamzzz

OKAY PEOPLE CALM DOWN, RACHEL’S GLEE BLOG IS BACK IN ACTION.

I didn’t blog last week because I was doing something way more important than blogging about a fictional musical comedy. Hard to believe I know.

So where were we? Ah, yes. Repeating storylines about fat cats and dreaming… can’t wait!

We will start off with: Brittany is still an idiot. She thought the world was coming to an end again- didn’t we already do that like FOUR episodes ago? (Swan Song?) And so Mr. Shue played along with this idiotic idea and assigned the “last-chance song” as the theme of the week. Eye Roll. 

All the while, normal Ryder turned green and tore through all his clothing and became the psychotic Ryder when he finally tried to meet his secret internet love boo. Basically he saw the girl who he thought was his lova and sang her a completely unnecessary lullaby.  But it turns out that his myspace mama was just using the picture of the blonde girl Yolanda or whatever, so Ryder is DEFINITELY GETTING CATFISHED YALL. But in typical Glee fashion, we have no new information we don’t feel that. Who. In the hell. IS THE CATFISH??!!??!?!? I’m so confused. Not Sugar or Jesus because they don’t come to school anymore. Marley, Jake and Kitty all said it wasn’t them. Brittany and Tina were not in the choir room. I thought that Unique was already ruled out because her ringtone is Bootylicious and when Riley dialed the CatFish the ringtone was definitely like RING RING RING. So who do we have left? Artie, Sam, Blaine? Coach Beiste? I still think it could be Marley- that would actually make sense. I’m sure this will either never get resolved or it will end up being Unique because my life is destined for disappointments. (Just kidding my life is a breeze!)

Soooo yeah props to Glee for slipping in the title “Shooting Star” without me realizing that there was going to be a school shooting. Oh maybe because no one really actually shot anyone… BUT NONETHELESS shit got real and real scary and Maggie, Brittany and I all held our breath for a good 12 minutes.

Shots fired! In McKinley. The kids in the choir room hit the deck and screamed and cried.

Best cryers of the group were definitely Blaine and Kitty Kat. Mr. Shue had basically no control over his classroom and gave stupid advice about tweeting and had there been an actual shooter on the loose, Trouty Mouth would have gotten everyone killed trying to save his girl, Brittany. She was in the bathroom looking scared as shit the whole time. That moment of her in the bathroom… I mean I’m normally a Brittany hater but that was AMAZING. Accascuseme. Well done Heather Morris you were probz thinking about your unborn child in your stomach with your pregnant self! Scandalous. Also, Artie started an impromptu video time capsule in which Jake shouted out Puck, which was unintentionally hilarious.  I was sure in my mind that Artie was going to get shot and it would have created a reverse Jimmy Brooks, enabling him to walk again!

Anyway, everyone was saved and it turns out that we were not ever really in too much danger. Becky was scared and brought a gun to school… LOUDER but then she dropped it and the gun went off. Sue took the rap for her and got FIRRRRRRED. Fired. Ya Fired. Several problems. Clearly Becky brought the gun to the school for a reason. Don’t know if she was planning on shooting someone, lesbihonest it was probably going to be Mr. Shue because really who doesn’t want to shoot him? So now she is still allowed to come to school...come on Sue, that is beyond dumb to just take yourself out of the situation when she is clearly having such a troubled time. I get that Sue is trying to protect Becky and also the public perception of kids with disablities but now we got Becky Buckwild roaming around school throwing accordions and that ain’t safe!  I’m sure the truth will come out but we shall see… 

Overall, I liked the shooting premise and I thought it was PERFECTLY ACTED which is always a stretch for Glee. When Blaine was worried about Tina my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. AND KITTY KAT FOREAL THOUGH?? You are da bomb. 

RANDOM THING HAPPENING ALERT:

Coach Shannon Beiste, realizing that she may die soon, boils pasta in a hot tub and professes her love to Will Shuester.  So uncomfortable. Especially since apparently WEMMA is back on! But I’m guessing Emma is still not back at work because Will was none too concerned about her during the shooting. She has taken like 2 months off of work at this point. Anyway, Shue shut Bieste down and then got her into online dating, because CLEARLY that is working out so great for our young Ryder. The ONLY good thing about this random thing happening is that we got to see Ken Tanaka’s gorgeous mug on a computer screen. Ken Tanaka lives! Acafellas reunion!

So I guess the point of the entire episode was that you don’t know when ur last day is going to be (death via meteorite/shot to death) so appreciate everyone while they are there. Is it bad that I kind of wish that the shooter was real and that it was the piano guy?
***
So then a week goes by and everyone is still pretty shaken up by the shooting. Sam Evans is coping with his PTSD by inventing a fake twin named Evan Evans and that’s all anyone really needs to know about the episode because it is the best thing Glee has done since the nickname “Trouty Mouth”. But I guess I’ll continue.

Since the Glee Club made it to Regionals on a technicality, they must start preparing for competition ASAP. The theme for Regionals is DREAMS which like WHAT didn’t we already do this theme season 1?? I specifically remember doing about 5 dreams-themed songs in the past but sure why not let’s go another round.

Shue’s got a boot up his ass and is hating on everyone but you know what- rightfully so. His glee club is a whiny bunch of bitches these days. Marley is so sad because she wrote some ORIGINAL MUSIC ****ORIGINAL MUSIC ALERT TAKE COVER HIDE YOUR WIFE HIDE YOUR KIDS HIDE YOUR WIFE**** and no one wants to hear about a fat mom.  Tina has a new style… is that really written in this show? And Unique wants boobs. I think Mr. Shue spoke for all of us when he proclaimed “Unique, you need to tone it down with the whole boob thing.”

Across the interstate at Lima University (sounds like a fine institution) Finn and Puck have kind of sort of enrolled and it’s SPRING BREAK FOREVER. (Spring Breakers joke.. you wouldn't get it) I will try not to harp on this too much but it is sooooooo uncomfortable watching Finn/Cory Monteith partying since he has checked into rehab. So uncomfortable. Poor guy. I hope he is getting better. Now back to hating on his character.

Finn wears a wife beater too often and he is slacking off and not doing right by his sociology prof! Shue and Puck finally sit him down and knock some sense into him so that one day he can become a good teacher. So Finn and Mr. Shue finally bury the hatchet after the whole Finn kissing Emma thing and now Finn is GETTING COLLEGE CREDIT FOR BEING THE ASSISTANT GLEE CLUB COACH. What will happen with the frat that Finn and Puck joined with no hazing?  Such boners.  Click that link if you want to have the best read of your life.

Since Shue and Finn made up, Shue decides to let Marley do her rainbow and lollipop original songs, so here we go again. Marley, Sam, Blaine and Unique stand around in a circle and read music perfectly (when did they learn to do that? I thought they were all just street rats.) My first thought was does this song even rhyme? Second thought was these lyrics are going to uplift me on a day when I have low self-esteem and damn Glee’s got me again! But then they sang another song in the end about being an outcast and let me just put it out there that if “sticks and stone will break these bones” are in your lyrics you need to stop the performance immediately and go back to the drawing board.

OH YES AND NENE (Coach Roz) IS BACK!! The only plot-moving purpose that could possibly exist for her return could be that she will get Becky to admit the truth about the gun. But in the meantime she is just hilarious and the dark-sided fruity voodoo hex talk was so hilarious as was the blood oath taken by suspicious Cheerios captains Blaine Warbler and Becky Buckwild. <3NeNe&Kim4Ever

Last thing: Rachel Barbara Berry auditioned for Funny Girl in NY. She has apparently “sworn off men” riiiiiight and is standing around the piano staring lovingly into her mother’s eyes waiting for a pop song to start. But anyway, following Finn’s advice, Rachel decided to audition with a song that was near and dear to her heart, so she sang “Don’t Stop Believin” accompanied by the original New Directions. RREEEEEEEMMMMMIXXXXX. Of course I cried! Do you know who I am!?!?!? And she got a call-back! Go girl

So yeah that was a lot of rambling. ARE YOU SATISFIED PEOPLE??? #canilive

Overall Grade for Shooting Star: A

Overall Grade for Dreams: B+ Lack of creative episode title gets it graded down

Favorite moments of the episodes

Sam Freaking Evans doing his thang and Nene making them repeat that blood oath

Least Favorite Moment of the Episodes

Finn being an asswipe of epic proportions and Ryder’s Dilemma. It just hurts. 

Favorite Performance of the Episodes: Don’t Stop Beliebin performed by Rachel obvi and Next to me performed by Rachel and Shelby Corcoran. Rachel sounded perfect. You really brought Shelby back though for 1 second though.

Least Favorite Performance of the Episodes: Fight for your Right to Party. This performance was so low in my eyes that is beat out 2 original songs. I just never got the Beastie Boys. Too much white boy yelling. 

Glist:

1.     Sam

2.     Blaine

3.     Rachel

4.     Kitty

5.     Artie

6.     Puck

7.     Coach Roz

8.     Jake

9.     Ryder

10.  Kurt

Other thoughts:

-Can we get to freaking regional’s already???? Yalls timeline is way off
-Glee is coming back for 2 more seasons! That means maybe we will finally find out what happened to Sandy Ryerson and April Rhodes

-Blaine as honorary Rachel #hellzyea

Next week’s episode

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwfrLqch-H8

SJP is back for no good reason I’m sure. When the lights go out… please let them sing that

Gleezy Breezy Beautiful: #PuckYoGuiltyPleasures

Bonjorno. (I hope everyone gets that title or else I'm just insane)

The theme of this week's blog is THINGS I DON'T GET ABOUT THIS WORLD.

#1 I don't get guilty pleasures.

I JUST DON'T GET IT! I mean, I guess I get guilty pleasures in things like food. Clearly you feel guilty after eating 5 cookies but it was pleasurable to do so. And anything like shopping, drinking, BOMOing, etc. But I do not get "Guilty Pleasure Songs." Music ain't never hurt nobody! Or made you fat, or made you unhealthy, or made you broke. Why would you ever feel guilty about liking a song? I'm trying to think if I have ever been embarrassed to like a song or artist...I can't think of an example. I still sleep with a Hannah Montana alarm clock and the first CD I ever owned was Sisqo. Do people find that embarrassing, because I find it hilarious- thus why I do not get the theme of Glee Club this week.

That being said, I loved that the kids were free of Shue and Finn this week (Mr Flu has the Shue and Finn went to college!??!?! Yeah he just registered in March it makes perfect sense). The kids were probably all thinking "I am so tired of these grown men crying over everything- let's inject Mr. Shue with a strain of the flu and tell Finn that he got accepted into the South Harmon Institute of Technology. Free at last!"

So anyway, after Blaine discovered Sam's macaroni art... yeah you read that right, Sam decided that revealing his guilty pleasure was such a bonding experience that it would be beneficial for the whole Glee Club should do the same. All the while Blaine is undressing Sam with his eyes (totally get that.)

This leads me to my second mystery of life: I do not get how the Glee writers let Chord Overstreet go for that period of time in Season 3.

SAM IS EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IS SAM. He kicked off the musical numbers with a BLAM BOW while everyone in the Glee Club danced around in front of black lights. I am too young and uninterested to know why Wham! is a "guilty pleasure". I honestly have no idea, but I do know that Jake and Marley's ending pose was so fetch.

In other Glee Club news, Brittany has decided to return to school for a few days to tell Kitty that she needs to change her evil ways. She brings her on Fondue for Two (always a great addition) to make her reveal her guilty pleasure on-air. After Kitty reveals that she likes to fart around old people (OK THAT IS DEFINITELY A GUILTY PLEASURE I GIVE YOU THAT, PSYCHO) and Brittany and Kitty get in a Bring It On movie-off, Kitty Kat reveals that her real guilty pleasure is liking the Spice Girls.

Two problems with this again: 

1. BRING IT ON IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. Could watch it every day of my life. Burr it's cold in here I said there must be some Torros in the atmosphere? You really think a white girl made that shit up?

2. WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO HIDE THEIR LOVE OF SPICE GIRLS? Why just this Tuesday, my good friend Patrisha and I texted the following:

Pat: Even Spice Girls will place higher on the list of best CDs of our lifetime. (this was in reference to my comment that B2K Pandemonium was on that list... I have since withdrawn that comment from the record)

Me: Which Spice Girls

Me: That is a fucking question for your ass

Pat: Spice. First album

Pat: Wannabe might be the #1 girl anthem

Pat: It brings together all nations, creeds, colors, ethnicities

Me: Hold on lemme look up the track lists

Me: God they are both so good. Cuz then you have Spice Up Your Life, Stop, Too Much, Never Give Up on the Good Times

Me: But I agree Spice is better

Pat: It was a close call and a toughie.

Point being, we are completely normal. Also, I find it annoying when people don't like popular music or artists just beacuse they are popular (Bieber), ridiculous (Ke$ha) or fun (T-pain? Whatever). Sometimes they are popular for a good reason, ever wanna investigate that?!!??! Just like what you like!

So yeah I'm happy they did the Spice Girls. For the record- Ginger was always the best and Kitty WERRRRKKKKED it out as Geri Halliwell! Marley did a great Posh and Brittany's stupid idiotic self did a great Sporty besides the part where Sporty was the best singer. Unique get ouutta here and most importantly SUGAR FREAKING MOTTA WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!? She would have been the best Baby Spice!! Sugar and Spice!?!? Damn you all.

Which brings me to the most infuriating point of this episode and a little segment that I like to refer to as "Marley is dead to me like the dog in that movie that I never saw but I assume he dies in the end."

Ok so Jake Puckerman wanted to do a Chris Brown song and the members of Glee Club were all UP IN ARMS because they have all decided to join a cult where they act self-righteous and hate on Breezy.

Ok so number 1, you are telling me I have to miss out on Jake performing a Chris Brown song... which would have been flawless, amazing and perfect.

Number 2, and brace yourself for the rant people, this is mostly directed at Ryan Murphy and sometimes I am the most annoying. Jake was absolutely right, he is allowed to separate the music from the person and like anyone he wants. And VALID freaking point that there are other artists Glee has done who have not had the cleanest track record. He mentioned, Whitney, Britney, and Rihanna but I'M SORRY YOU FAIL TO MENTION MICHAEL JACKSON!!! OMG. I do not get that ever!

People walk on egg shells when it comes to MJ and I don't get it. Why can't the earlier statement be true "separate music from the person." Why is it so blasphemous to know that Michael was amazing but also acknowledge that he allegedly molested young children!! If I have to sit through an episode dedicated to the man (Season 3: Michael)  aren't we allowed to have 1 single Jake Puckerman/Chris Brown interpretation? I get that Jacko was the greatest artist of all time, but if we are arguing that his personal life shouldn't affect people's love of his music then it should be fine put him on the TOP of the shady musician list the Glee clubbers rambled off. Tippy Tippy Top. ESPECIALLY if you are then going to throw out a completely ignorant statement like "You know Bobby Brown got Whitney Houston hooked on crack!" Bobby Brown did not hold a gun to her head and say "GET HOOKED ON CRACK OR ELSE!" Stop, Glee.  

Number 3, I love Chris Brown's music more than almost every other artist and I wish that Glee did a Chris Brown number. I fully acknowledge that Chris Brown (and Rihanna for that matter) is an absolute lunatic. He was also 19 years old when he beat up Rihanna. It is never okay that he did that, but for Glee to create a whole plot line around the fact that it is wrong to forgive that man is beyond me. And if you (Marley, Unique, etc) don't want to like Chris Brown music because of what he did then more power to ya! But you shouldn't have any say over what sweet beautiful Jake Puckerman likes or sings! I guess it is Ryan Murphy's right to make a statement against Chris Brown if that's how he feels but for once I will not kiss your feet oh powerful one! I hope BadGirlRiRi blasts everyone on Instagram.

Also, Marley is a baby bitch who likes Jessica Simpson.

Psycho alert! (That's me!) I'm done.

Awkward transition back to Blaine and Sam. Sam encouraged Blaine to reveal his TRUE guilty pleasure, which would be Sam himself, so Blaine took to the piano to give an absolutely FLAWLESS performance of "Take a Look at me Now". Shout out to Phil Collins and all of those involved in recording the Tarzan soundtrack. Sam knew the song was about him, and kind of did the same thing that Blaine did with Tina by saying "Yeah, why wouldn't you be obsessed with me, but we can still be friends." And they hugged it out. Verdict is still out on whether Blaine is still obsessed.

Short NY Update:

HEAVEN KNOWS IF THEY'LL SURVIVE THIS SINGLE LADY KIND OF LIFE

Brody broke up with Rachel without explanation, Kurt is wearing shorts and sleeping with a man-size doll, and Santana is stirring it up. I cannot get over how much I love this roomie dynamic! When Santana and Rachel pranked Kurt I was full of GLEE! And didn't Kurt do such a great job looking tired??

So as we expected, Santana spilled the beans to Rachel about Brody being a Nick Cannon aka Gigolo. This led to Rachel confronting Brody and a lot of tears. (I wonder if this was what Lea Michele was referring to when she tweeted she had to cry a lot one day. I hope not, that wasn't enough crying for my taste.) After realizing that Brody was mostly a rebound and bounce pass, they broke up for good. I also don't get how anyone could still like Finn at this juncture, but okay. And then Rachel and Brody ran around and sang in slow motion.

Overall Grade for the Episode: A-

Despite Jake not sticking to his guns, I thought it was a really great and hilarious episode!

Favorite Performance of the Episode: Mamma Mia performed by Erbody. This was epic!! I hope this inspires Rachel, Kurt and Santana to sing trios in their apt more often! And the Glee Club was hilarious- it was fun, outfits were awesome, song was awesome.

Other Flawless Performances:

-My Prerogative performed by Jake

-Take a look at me now performed by Blaine

-Creep performed by Rachel and Brody

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: CopaCabana performed by Sam and New Directions. Just couldn't stop thinking about Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke so I couldn't even get into it.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: "This is who I am and I make no apologies" -Sam. "Santana, you're a bitch, they're mine." -Kurt

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: The Chris Brown/Bobby Brown parts. Shuddddup.  

Other Thoughts:

-Where is Tuiasosopo aka Ryder's fake girlfriend

- I feel like Brittany and Kitty we really laughing about the Bring it On references!

-Brit doing kartwheels in a row for no reason #Classicpeg

-I wish people would bring "Nunya" back

-Hummelcide = Genius

-Rachel looks amazing- thank God we are past that horrible slut phase!

-Is Emma still taking off work?? People need to get into college!

Glist:

1. Sam- taking the #1 and #2 spot because it is only right

2. Sam

3. Santana

4. Rachel

5. Jake

6. Kurt

7. Blaine

8. Kitty Kat

9. Ryder

-100. Marley

Next Week's Episode:

WE HAVE TO WAIT 3 MORE WEEKS! I see Ryder with a blonde girl in the preview! I will be at Nationals then so ain't nobody got time for Glee!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9xQ7Xxfcy8

American Idol:

JIMMY IOVINE IS THE REALNESS, SCREW EVERYONE ELSE. LAZARO MUST GO.

Favorites List:

1. Amber

2. Burnell

3. Angie

4. Kree

5. Candice

6. Devin

7. Janelle

8. Lazaro this was a mistake

Thank Heaven for Keith Urban.

One more thing:  Justin's new album is FANFREAKINTASTIC.

BowDownBitches.

I'm in the Mood to Feud Ya Dood

-->

THIS EPISODE WAS ALMOST AS INSANE AS NICKI MINAJ SHOWING UP 15 MINUTES LATE TO A LIVE TAPING OF AMERICAN IDOL WITH NO FACE ON.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9r8W2_r7Tk

So the whole premise of this episode comes from the fact that Finn kissed Emma and WIll is pissed TFO. Mr. Shue is treating Finn like dog shit, having him make coffee runs, and dry-clean vests, all while fake complimenting Ryder to piss him off. So Artie, Tina and Blaine decide to have an intervention ya family's here and assign a musical theme to the week! (Are those 3 captains of Glee Club? I don't remember there being a vote cuz Tina aint the one.)

So the theme is Epic Musical Feuds, meaning that in order to squash glee club beef the two dueling members are to perform mash-up songs of feuding artists! I honestly didn't even understand this theme until they did the sit down with Ryder and Unique but let's just pretend that I got it from the beginning.

So the gauntlet is thrown blam bow and Mr. Shue is gonna KICK... FINN's...ASS. I would pay one million dollars to see Finn and Mr. Shue do a Biggie vs. Tupac mashup. One gazillion dollars. But before they broke-dance foughted and butchered two American classics from my childhood, Mr. Shue knocked Finn down a few pegs, telling him that he only put Finn in charge of the Glee Club because he pitied him and thas not love thas desperation. But Finn BETRAYED him and broke THE CODE OF BROTHERS and now it is time to pay.

Btw where is Emma in all this? Has Shue confronted her? She mad? You mad? We mad?

We mad because this was god awful. Let me me paint a picture for those of you (Allison Perri) who do not watch anymore. The mash-up was Bye Bye Bye and I Want it That Way which are two of the greatest songs in the world but two songs that do not go together at all. I guess the word MASHED is appropriate for what that was. Old rotten mashed potatoes. A monster mash. At one point Finn and Shue were actually fighting, if that's what we were supposed to take from the Mouse King .vs Nutcracker choreographed tackling.  Finn sounded fine doing BSB, but Mr. Shue took all the nasally wonder out of Justin's masterpiece and just runed a perfectly flawless song. The puppet strings look absolutely ridiculous and out of sync. (IRONY) Anyway, they sucked at the end of the performance, Mr. Shue couldn't bring himself to hug it out. End scene. REJECTED.

But now Finn may get a teaching degree- something is happening but I am so pissed about them ruining what could have been an epic performance I don't even care.

AND THE LOSER IS: Everyone. We all lose.

On to the next one.

Conspiracy Theory time:

So yall heard that Nicki Minaj was late late late to a very important date right??? THAT SHIT WAS CRAZY. She missed an entire performance and had her makeup spread all over the judges table. And this whole season on American Idol she has been dissing on the show while she is simultaneously getting paid and getting exposure. So my theory is that the American Idol producers or FOX or whoever told Glee to make an episode where they make fun of Nicki and her ridiculous antics.

Enter Sue vs. Blaine in this week's 2nd most random storyline (2nd to the Unique and Ryder thing- we shall get to that one later).

So if you are confused about why these two would be beefing (Idk why you would be, it's so obvious) it's because on December 5 Blaine joined the Cheerios and then on December 6 he quit. So now Sue needs him for Cheerleading Regionals. So she put cement in his hair gel and ruined his credit and put a sign up in the air about him being on the bottom??? Is that sexual reference?

Anyway, incase you haven't heard- Mariah and Nicki Minaj are apparently in a feud that is as epic as Elton John/Madonna + BSB/NSYNC. UMMMM no. Their feud is not that epic, it is mostly just catty and immature, which means two things:

1. Glee is trying to boost American Idol

2. They really wanted to make fun of Nicki Minauseous

So after Sue did some corny and not funny impersonations of Nicki and reenacted her "crazy Nicki threats" (which I'm sure were inspired from behind-the-scenes Idol footage,) Sue and Blaine battled it out. Blaine started off with "I Still Believe" which is a great song, don't get me wrong- but WTF. That song should be saved for when you are singing it about Kurt in a pensieve thoughtful moment. If you are going to do a BATTLE with a Mariah song you need to do Heartbreaker or Fantasy or Obsessed.

And then Sue comes in. Sue is a hot mess. Did she just change the lyric to "he a tall freaking trip trip"??? Did I hear that correctly? As Maggie Klee so eloquently put it "WTF JUST OCCURRED."

Again, I'm guessing that this is some FOX executives' commentary on how Mariah's talent is being overshadowed by Nicki's gimmicks and Sue won the challenge, meaning that Blaine has to remain a Cheerio. Which is fine with me cuz Blaine is looking oh so cute in that uni!  But wait, he and Sam are plotting and Blaine will work from the inside and bring Sue down. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS EPISODE. Another beef not squashed.  

AND THE WINNER IS: Blaine. He is always the winner. Always.

Ryder vs. Unique

Why did I type the words "french fries" in my notes. I have no idea/recollection, probably just hungry.

Ok everyone it's about to get even more FWEAKY. Let's start with the normal part:

Ryder kissed Marley a few weeks ago, and Jake is still pissed at both of them. But Marley I guess has chosen to be with Jake. (come on Glee- you could have had me hooked for a few more weeks with the triangle). Jake and Marley actually have a really cute and mature conversation and decided that they pretty much basically kinda sorta trust each other it would be immature to ice Ryder out.

However, Ryder still has decided to ice his own self out of sanity and he done pushed himself to da edge. He is having a cyber-relationship with some blonde chick aka Tuiasosopo aka probably gon be Unique. The entire time I am watching these instant message conversation I'm thinking "what the fuck is this. what the fuck is this." Also I am thinking "Do people still use instant message? Is this the new AIM? Does a creaky door opening door sound happen when someone signs on and then slams shut when some signs off? Do they still have away messages? How did these two meet? Did he ask A/S/L at first?" So many questions. CLEARLY this is Glee's take on the Manti Teo situation and I am just ROTFL and LOL and LMAO etc. So anyway..

Ryder and Unique feud because she got mad at him for kissing Marley and he made an insensitive comment about her drag lifestyle. So they mash it up taking from the Elton/Madonna feud that most people prob don't know or care about. And Unique again dressed herself like a 40 year old woman going to an early Sunday Service and trounced around with her feet turned out. It sounded fine, but it was wack. And now Glee is trying to make Ryder a douchebag a la that Glee Project character he played over the summer when he was yelling at Aylin and we were supposed to believe that she would choose to be with Michael over Blake. (Insert @so_grool doing a Michael impression.)

In the end, we are left with the weird Saved By the Bell: The New Class gathering in a classroom where Ryder makes a football analogy and apologizes to Marley, Jake and Unique and then Unique tells everyone that she had to run away from some popular girl bullies. Unique, you and Coach Beiste seriously need to understand that you are big enough to beat up a pack of wolves so stop it with that. And Unique cannot act worth SHIIIIIIT.

And then they all started talking about next year and it was a sad affair.

AND THE WINNER IS: Kitty.

Next in the ring of fire: Santana vs. Brody

Ok first of all- how annoying is it that Rachel isn't pregnant? This is just like the Quinn car accident thing. Such a huge build up and then oh never mind. Come on Glee.

But I guess it wasn't for nothing- it seems to have brought Santana and Rachel closer ??? maybe??? and Santana thinks it should serve as a wake-up call to Rachel, since she has become a soggy mess of a woman and it's time for her to take a hard look at the choices she is making aka get rid of Donkey Face.

Speaking of Donkey Face- it turns out I was right all along- he is a gigolo, always on the go everytime I turn around I got another show. Hello my name is Gunnnnner dood and I am going to have sex with old women to pay for my tuition. So apparently there is a hotel in New York where all the male hookers go and wait around to get dollars rained up on them!  Wait, what is Tracy Quartermaine doing up in hurr? Up in hurr.Up in hurr.

So Santana still doesn't know the truth, but wants to intimidate Brody enough to get him to move out, so she visits the god-forsaken dance studio where Brody is still being a teaching assistant for Cassie. Cassie lives! And of course Santana just happened to be in a black dress ready to perform but "don't apply logic to Lopez" it's just Glee so let it happen. Santana performs an unnecessary version of American Idol judge Paula Abdul's "Cold-Hearted Snake" (and circle fits the square) and then tells Brody to pack your bags girls we're going to Milan! ! Not really, just pack your bags!

Word of Santana's tongue-lashing via musical performance spread fast and Kurt and Rachel were none too pleased. They had a family loft conversation and asked Santana to move out because she was pissing Brody off and he was there first. BITCHES! Luckily, Santana's bag was already packed and ready to go and #weouchea to stay on Lena Dunham's couch, but not before promising to expose Brody for the plastic tiara he was!! (It's... just... plastic. GASP!!!)

And she did. Once again using his teleportation device, Finn appears in New York. I have never gasped that much in my life. OMG. Brody and Finn get into it about loving Rachel blah blah and then start straight up brawling!!! STAY AWAY FROM MY FUTURE WIFE!! That's really a mouthful to yell while you are mid-fight Finn, you could have just said "Stay away from her, or stay away from Rachel." FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! And whoop there it is.

AND THE WINNER IS: Santana. Clearly.

BY FAR THE BEST CONCLUSION OF ANY GLEE EPISODE EVER OCCURRED WHEN THE FOX ANNOUNCER SAID THIS IN A CASUAL VOICE AS THE CREDITS ROLLED:

"They started from the bottom, and now they're here. Watch the top 9 perform next Wednesday on American Idol." hahahahahah i was dying. dying dying dying I can only imagine what I have been missing out by not watching live episodes before this.

Overall Grade for the Episode: B

It was just insane. Didn't dislike it but would be fine never watching it again. Santana and Trouty Mouth once again carried the episode.

Favorite Performance of the Episode: How to be a heartbreaker performed by Brody and Rachel. This dance was a euphemism for Brody having sex with old women which is utterly disturbing but I love the song and Brody is still amazing I don't care who he is screwing or feuding!

Least Favorite Performance of the Episode: Bye Bye Bye performed by Finn and Mr. Shue. Hard to watch. It just didn't go together and hurt my ears.

Favorite Moment of the Episode: Tina getting pwned by Sue. You're dismissed, go find a new bf maybe Lance Bass is available or Rupaul.

Least Favorite Moment of the Episode: Definitely Ryder chatting Tuisasosopo and Sue doing the Nicki Minaj faces.

Other thoughts:

-Where is Brittany? Probably out strolling on college campuses.

-Trouty Mouth always coming in strong during group numbers.

-WHAT THE FUCK IS MARLEY WEARING psychodelic turtleneck dress.

-Fake complimenting Ryder part was humorous

-Suite life of Zack and Cody reboot

-In the real world there are commitments and you are only as good as your word!

-Santana still cant dance.

-Bitch took my pillow.

-Finn is forever kicking something in rage

Next Week's Episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4svKmFbAd4

GUILTY PLEASURES! Glad that haven't totally abandoned the idea of Blaine and Sam! BLAM! And some other stuff.

American Idol thoughts and rankings.

As you know, this week was absolutely insane.  The theme was SOOOOOO BAD omg I can't believe we had to sit through a perform of "I Believe, Flying Without Wings, A Moment Like This, Breakaway etc". Everybody sucked. I mean of course Angie, Candice, Cree and Amber did great but the theme was so bad and everyone was so thrown of Nicki Minaj!!!!! I have never witnessed anything so outrageously awkward and hilarious.

Mariah, you need to stop being so nice. Audience, stop booing everyone. Keith, you are polite. And Nicki- YOU'RE HORRIBLE! Stop being anti-American Idol! Just give your hilarious critiques and then sit the hell down! No one wants to hear you arguing anymore!! You are getting paid so much money, and you are 30 years old! Just STFU! 

Ryan Seacrest is an angel sent from heaven above. 

Here is my ranking: 

1. Amber- what the world needs now.

2. Angie-she did that Kelly Clarkson song well but no one will ever EVER EVER top Kelly.

3. Candice

4. Kree

5. Burnell- never ever ever sing a Ruben Studdard song again.

Everyone else can kick rocks ESPECIALLY Paul Jolley! So glad Curtis got eliminated! Nicki shut the fuck up and let us make some god damn progress! 

P.S. Chris Brown and Rihanna are like diamonds in the sky.